A Popularity Contest

I don't know if I've really talked about this much in this forum, but throughout my life I've had a few periods of fairly low self-esteem.

I know this can't come as much of a surprise: what girl hasn't had her maudlin everybody-hates-me-and-I'm-ugly teenage phase? But my periods of low self-esteem were lengthy and unfortunately came at pretty regular intervals during the first 24 years or so of my life.

It is only in the most recent years that I have truly started to get past many of my insecurities and this has been more and more to my romantic advantage lately. For anyone who doesn't yet know this: there's nothing more attractive to the opposite sex than confidence.

By far, the most entertaining thing about my trip home for Christmas was the reaction I received from people I went to high school with. I am finally past the age of dreading running into said people and at a place in my life where I genuinely enjoy seeing them again and catching up - even if we weren't really friends way back in the day. But to have to actually re-introduce myself on more than one occasion, and to hear "Wow" as the response more often than not - well, that's a whole new ballgame folks.

I don't know if it's that I actually look that much different than I did in high school (though a radical hair-style change does have an effect) or if it's just that I'm a much (MUCH) happier person now, but I got quite a kick out of people's reactions to seeing me this time around. Being hit-on and/or propositioned by three or four different guys didn't hurt either.

I never would have guessed that at this point in my dating journey I would be getting more attention off-line than on!

Lyrics of the Day

"I just can't wait 'til my 10 year reunion, I'm gonna bust down the double doors and when I stand on these tables before you, you will know what all this time was for." John Mayer No Such Thing

Hear Me Here

Hey! I do have the promised surprise here for all you faithful readers today, but let me give you a little backstory...

Sometime around October, a nice gentleman named Kit Mikazuki started occasionally commenting on this here little blog. He said that he was about to start chronicling a bit of his own dating life online, but in a different format: the podcast.

For those of you who are new to this little world (as I am myself), a podcast is basically an audio-blog (if the maker so-desires). Episodes are recorded, then shared online - most easily through iTunes. For more basic info, check here.

Anyway, the point is, Kit was so kind as to invite me to do a guest interview on his totally entertaining podcast. He calls it "Nante Koto" which he says is Japanese for "Oh my [expletive deleted] God." I caught up on all of his episodes before said interview and then we had a rather lengthy chat about just about anything and everything in the entire world - though mostly the interview was about internet dating.

Imagine my excitement when Kit told me yesterday that the episode should be ready to publish by today! Well, he managed to meet his own deadline and the podcast episode is up online and ready for the listening!

You can access the podcast through Kit's website here, or you can go to iTunes and search for the Nante Koto podcast.

I had a ton of fun doing the interview and I'm even more excited to report that there was so much material there that today's episode is one of two. I'm pretty sure that means that I'm extraordinarily interesting and charming. Or it just means that I'm extraordinarily verbose.

You be the judge.

Back - ish...

I had no intention of being so conspicuously absent over this holiday week, but I just couldn't bring myself to sit down in front of my parents' computer for more than 2 minutes at any point. I am now back in LA safely (if a bit sadly) and am trying to slog through two days of work before I leave town again for the weekend.

I have stories. I do.

I'm just not feeling up to expounding on them at the moment. I really just checked in to let everyone know that I'm alive and that I promise to be back in actual blogging action very soon.

There may also be a fun little surprise to direct you all to later today, or maybe tomorrow, but I'm going to keep it mysterious until I know for sure that you can access it.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Lyrics of the Day

"Oh there's no place like home for the holidays, 'cause no matter how far away you roam, if you want to be happy in a million ways, for the holidays you can’t beat home, sweet home." Al Stillman Home For the Holidays

A Slow Start

I am just now starting to realize that I may have picked a rather inopportune time to begin my internet dating quest anew. This is not to say, not by any means, that I am giving up - it's just that things probably won't really get going until I get back into town after the holidays.

I've been terribly distracted ever since the initial excitement/disappointment of finding the first really appealing guy on Nerve. It's been a combination of things, but I just haven't been able to get my head back in the game. First and painfully foremost, I got my butt kicked at work last week and all weekend. By yesterday morning I was so exhausted and sleep-deprived that I could hardly function. Fortunately things were quiet yesterday and I was able to sneak out early and get some real sleep. Secondly, my brain is quite focused on going home to Montana for Christmas. I just can't wait to see my friends, my parents, some snow and some hot Montana boys. Thirdly (is that even a word?), I have been spending some time with The Kid.

Now, wait, hold on a second. This is totally not what you think.

Or maybe it is. I guess it depends on how perceptive you are.

I promise you that I have neither changed my stance on dating actors, nor on my belief that The Kid is not dating material. I stand firm in both of those areas. But, you see, it's just that - well - I'm finding it to be really nice to have a friendship with him that's just so... beneficial to us both. We may not be intellectually or romantically compatible, really at all, but the other way in which we are compatible makes it worthwhile to hang out every so often. Plus, we can talk about football. Most of my other guy friends don't get that at all.

Of course, my involvement with The Kid will not interfere with or delay my future internet dating efforts. If I actually end up meeting someone, then The Kid and I can just go back to being friends of the non-beneficial nature. No harm, no foul.

I have been talking to one boy online so far, who is coincidentally from my hometown in Montana. We've basically just been chatting about MT, but yesterday he dropped me a note suggesting that we get together for coffee after the holidays and reminisce about living in Big Sky Country. I can't even begin to guess if he's interested in me or if he's just looking for a Montana connection. I'm up for it, as he seems like a nice guy, so we'll see what happens.

Until then, I'm off to Montana tomorrow morning! I'm so excited that I can hardly handle it, and hopefully I'll have some entertaining dispatches from the road for you all over the holidays.

Lyrics of the Day

"Every stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be homeward bound. I wish I was homeward bound. Home, where my thought's escaping. Home, where my music's playing. Home, where my love lies waiting silently for me." Simon & Garfunkel Homeward Bound

Curses - Foiled Again!

Oh, how quickly my little heart can be broken.

Today I logged onto Nerve, knowing that my profile has officially been approved and that I was visible to all members overnight. I wasn't sure what to expect, but when I saw that I had a reply from the dreamy boy I had written to yesterday, I nearly jumped out of my seat. I hurried to my inbox and clicked accidentally on his profile name, rather than the message that he sent me.

His profile had been turned off.

I thought, "Hmmm, I have no idea what this could mean, so I had better read the message."

"That was perhaps the best little note I have received. Thanks so much for sending it. In a typical twist of fate, I had just logged on here to turn my profile off indefinitely. You write like only a lovely woman could do, and I wish you luck in finding your counterpart. Meanwhile, let's try not to bump our heads on our bedroom ceilings."

*sigh*

I was too late. Someone else (wisely) snapped him up.

Oh well, you know this is just the beginning...

Lyrics of the Day

"Cheers darlin', I've got your wedding bells in my ear. Cheers darlin', you gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away." Damien Rice Cheers Darlin'

Oh, the Nerve!

I just fell in love.

Head-over-heels, completely, dorkily in love.

Well, sort-of.

I've FINALLY done it. I'm back up and running on-line (well, at least I will be as soon as my pictures get the official approval) on Nerve. While I'm waiting for this final approval (and for any sort of work to magically appear), I've decided I should peruse the selection. I was just beginning to lose hope when I stumbled across possibly the most eloquently written on-line profile in the history of the world.

And I fell in love.

What does a pro-active girl do when she falls in love? She gets right off her butt and emails said object of love with something that she hopes will be enough of something to elicit a response.

I already want to give him a name, but this is far too premature, seeing as though he hasn't responded to me yet.

But he will.

I've decided that he will.

Because I love him.

You know, I had forgotten that this can actually be fun.

Lyrics of the Day

"Something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover. Something in the way she woos me." The Beatles Something

The Sympathetic Nervous System Strikes Again

Mere moments ago, I was walking down the hall when I ran into BritNurse. He said that I missed a good party on Saturday night (it was our company Christmas party). I said that I was sure it was fun, but that I had a lot of fun at my own party.

He said, "You met someone, didn't you? You're blushing bright red."

I said, "No I'm not! I mean, umm," Here's where I started breaking down into a flustered stammer, something that always happens when I get caught blushing, "No, I mean, I didn't meet anyone. But it was a good party."

He said, "Yeah, I bet it was."

Lyrics of the Day

"And this little masochist, she's lifting up her dress. Guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel." Tori Amos Hey Jupiter

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer

Caffeinate. Hydrate. Intoxicate.

These three words were the mantra of yesterday morning as Red sat at the bar with a Diet Coke, a water and a mimosa spread out in front of her.

I was depending on the latter two to start my morning. In retrospect, I really should have just stuck with hydrating.

Red and I (with The Sister in tow most of the time) may have, sort of, accidentally gone on a bit of a three-day bender this weekend.

And today I'm seriously paying for it. Really.

Friday night was a rousing success. Probably about 10 of my friends filtered in and out of the bar over the evening and Tattoo Guy brought about 4 or 5 of his own. We had quite the entertaining time that definitely included one (or three) too many Jager-bombs and an ill-advised stop at Del Taco at 3 am.



Saturday was way too much shopping (Do you have any idea how hard it is to find ugly Christmas sweaters in Los Angeles? It was hard.) and a very short nap before hitting up the sweater party. The party was a great time - lots of drinks, lots of sweaters, lots of music. Then, it finally happened.

I hooked up with The Kid.

I knew that it was inevitable. I did. No matter what I said here, I knew that something or another would end up happening eventually. There was just too much attraction there for it to go unfulfilled. And you know what? It was fun, and it might just happen again.

But he's still not dating material. And I think he's okay with that.

Red and I didn't get much sleep at all on Saturday night, but we were still crazy (or is it foolish?) enough to drag ourselves to the bar at 9:30 for football. We ended up having another great time, though this time I definitely over-indulged. I really should have stuck to water. Actually, I think I would feel better today if I had guzzled drain cleaner instead of the mimosas and Bailey's on the rocks that I was knocking back.

At some point, I may have ended up kissing The Fan. Maybe. Possibly a lot.

It's a really good thing that football season is almost over. I can't take this Sunday debauchery for much longer. Especially when both of my teams LOSE.

I may have gotten a profile-worthy photo or two over the weekend, but I was too busy passing out on my couch last night to upload them and go through them. It may not happen tonight either, but sometime this week, I will be back on-line and in the game.

Lyrics of the Day

"Think I’m drunk enough to drive you home now. I’ll keep my mouth kept shut under lock and key that’s rusted firm." Death Cab for Cutie Champagne From a Paper Cup

Phase Four

Or whatever phase it is by now. This weekend, the game plan is "lights, camera, take lots of photos so LB can get a date."

Tonight I am kicking off Profile Photo Search Weekend with a night out with a very random group of friends. I'm actually quite proud of myself. I do not endeavor to rally the troups very often, but this weekend seemed like the last chance to do so before the holidays, so I jumped on the opportunity. Prospective attendants include Red, My Husband, The Figa Master and Tattoo Guy. Yes, that's right: Tattoo Guy. Much to the surprise of many, we've actually kept in touch (albeit sporadically) and have actually formed a friendship.

Tomorrow brings shopping and an ugly Christmas sweater Christmas party with my football friends (and yes, this does include The Kid). The Sis and hopefully Red will be accompanying me there and who knows where afterward.

Sunday is football and well, we all know what football can mean.

By Monday I should have at least one workable shot of myself and it's off to the races we go! Unless, of course, as Tori commented on the last post, I find myself completely unable to take a pic where I'm not grimacing, blinking or looking as intoxicated as I may actually be.

Lyrics of the Day

"Don't just stand there, let's get to it. Strike a pose, there's nothing to it." Madonna Vogue

All About LB

I've spent the better part of the last two days staring at the new Nerve Personals profile that I'm putting together. It hasn't been that long since I was doing this for Match (revising and revising, over and over), but I seemed to have forgotten how hard it is! That, and the fact that Nerve is a different type of site: more educated, edgier, snarkier, more risque. I've got to be at the top of my game online here if I want to attract the kinds of guys that I'm hoping to attract. And I need some seriously good, new pictures of myself to post. Oh! The pressure!

There's so much to debate in filling out a personals profile. How much do you really want to disclose? Should I mention my strange idiosyncrasies, my relationship with The Sister, my crippling fear of commitment and intimacy? Do I ask for what I really want - a manly man who will chop down trees and fix my car and clean my plate after I'm full? Would it be wrong to be perfectly honest and mention that actors need not apply? There's a very delicate balance between honesty and TMI (Too Much Information), between alluring and scary, between honest and bitchy. I'm trying to walk that line, but walk it in my own little unique way.

I'm getting excited and antsy and nervous, but I'm ready. Ready for what's next, for what's out there. For who's out there.

Lyrics of the Day

"Yeah, It’s 4 miles and counting and my hands are shouting to meet you." Teitur To Meet You

Slim Pickings

Today is the first day in so long that I've had time to do much of anything online, so I've spent a good part of it perusing my favorite dating blogs on Nerve.com. Naturally, that little itch that I've been feeling lately becomes more vocal when it gets jealous of the dates that other people are going on, so I decided to do something I haven't done in a while, just for fun. I decided to peruse the increasingly creepy and depressing personals ads on Craigslist.





Some of the oh-so-intriguing headlines that I have to choose from?

Who wants a free breast massage tonight? - m4w - 26

NEED A GREENCARD LETS GET MARRIED - 35 (SANTA MONICA)

Honest, Respectful Benefactor. May I Help You? - 54 (West L.A.)

GQ professor type looking for implant girl

1500 for overnight with non-pro hottie - m4w - 30

I love to clean your house free and be your slave!! - 28 (burbank)

And possibly the most tempting of all:

TOM CRUISE massages you - 30 (lax) pic

Really?

Seriously?

Maybe I should just go back to dating actors...

Lyrics of the Day

"I'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been, if I'd only thought of something charming to say." Death Cab For Cutie The Sound of Settling

Something's in the Air

Maybe it's the fact that I'm desperately hoping to leave Los Angeles in the next six months. Maybe it's the fact that I've been feeling really good about myself lately. Maybe it's the fact that I put my hair in pigtails. Maybe it's the fact that I somehow feel like I've got nothing to lose.

I don't know what it is exactly, but I have just been darn near irresistible lately. I told you all about the other weekend at football, when my congested head was a total guy-magnet - well, things don't seemed to have changed with the shift of my head-cold into a super-fun sinus infection.

After a completely frustrating morning yesterday (being called in to work both before my Redskins game and at half-time), I was really cranky. I was on the brink of falling in love with a new Redskins fan that joined our little corner of craziness at Barney's yesterday (this guy is ridiculously cute and hopefully I'll have another chance with him next week), when I was paged into work. I put work off for an hour so I could watch the rest of the game, but I was so worried about getting yelled at for taking too long to get to work that I didn't really get to enjoy the second half. Of course, the fact that my team got slaughtered in the second half didn't help either.

I managed to shake off all my crankiness by the time I got to Big Wang's last night for the Broncos game. Shortly after getting settled on the large sectional couch in the back, a group of three guys started talking to my Broncos girls and I. Two of them were pretty cute and the third was the Funny Guy/class clown type. Somehow, for a good while during the evening, all three of them were hitting on me. Of course, this is in no small part due to the fact that I was the girl that was paying attention to them, but that did nothing to dampen the self-esteem boost that I was getting. I noticed very early on that one of the pretty cute ones was hammered. And I don't mean that he was just sorta drunk. I mean that he was slurring his words, saying ridiculously inappropriate things to just about everyone, and he actually managed to fall off of his stool at one point, nearly taking an entire table with him.

So, the question of the day is - who was hitting on me most persistently? The Hammered Guy. Who was I actually interested in? The other cute guy, who was actually really cute and from Nebraska and funny and well-spoken.

Ten bucks to anyone who can guess what Nebraska wants to be when he grows up.

Have I mentioned that I totally give up on dating in LA?

Of course, the only one I'm really interested in is an actor. Would it really be a normal night out for me if that wasn't the case?

In the end, I didn't give my number to any of them, though that was only half-way by choice. I would've given it to Nebraska if he had asked, but he didn't. Hammered Guy gave it a shot, and I was halfway through trying to nicely shoot him down when he finally figured out that I wasn't interested. Maybe in real life he's a sweet, intelligent person, but I have no desire to give my number to someone who spent half the night nearly drooling on himself and the other half saying mostly incoherent sexual innuendos or yelling homophobic epithets at any player that happened to be on-screen at the time. Charming.

The topper is that as soon as the three guys left, someone else immediately turned his attention to me. That's right - The Kid was with us for the whole game and as per usual was quite interested in me after noticing that I wasn't interested in him. He asked me where I've been, told me he missed me. Then he proceeded to put his mouth to my ear and whisper what was essentially nonsense, in the interest of watching me squirm. Cruel. Did I take the bait? Eh, not really. I've been down this road before.

So, it seems the word is out. I'm back on the market, ready to go on a date or two and it seems that there are some options out there.

Lyrics of the Day

"My mom says I'm a catch, I'm popular." Nada Surf Popular

Triumph

I'm sorry for the long delay in posting - it's been impossible for me to be in front of a computer for more than 2 minutes since Thursday. But...

I passed!

The evil, long hours of studying that I did really paid off. I actually did even better on the test than I thought I would. I can officially call myself a registered member of my profession and I get to put letters after my name. It's such a relief and a rush to be done, I can't even explain it.

Thursday night I went out with The Sis and an old friend from Montana who was in town visiting. We had WAY too much fun and drank WAY too much champagne. I went into work late on Friday but got my butt kicked all afternoon and collapsed as soon as I got home last night.

Now that I've crossed this line, passed this milestone, there is so much that has to be decided. So much ahead of me. But for now I'm just going to enjoy a lazy weekend of being on-call for work and watching a ton of TV. Next week, we'll get down to some business.

Hiatus-y

Sorry I've been so quiet, but I've been doing exactly what I should be doing right now: studying my little butt off. Hopefully, my last-minute cramming will be enough to squeak me by the minimum requirement and I will never have to go through this particular brain-draining anxiety again.

In a mini-update on semi-news on boys: I saw The Fan again on Sunday and while he sends all sorts of interested signals, he hasn't yet asked for my phone number. I'm not sure if it's shyness or not. I may have neglected to mention that I may have accidentally kissed The Fan in the middle of the bar last weekend when I was at the height of my mimosa-initiated euphoria - so maybe he's waiting for me to make-out with him as a signal? I don't know, but as I'm (hopefully) just barely going to be back on the market on Thursday, I'm not going to stress about it at all. The Kiwi text messaged me a bunch of times last week, but I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. Regardless I'll see him next Sunday during the Broncos game, so again - no stressing, lots of we'll-see'ing.

I'm going to be similarly quiet for the rest of this week, so please bear with me. After what I hope to be a triumphant performance on Thursday, you can expect me back in full force. Or you can expect a long, tearful tirade about the evils of testing bureaucracies. Cross your fingers!

Lyrics of the Day

"Don't worry your mind when you give it your best; one-two, one-two, this is just a test." Beastie Boys Just a Test

Countdown

It is approximately 75 minutes until I get to leave work for the long holiday weekend.

It is approximately 13 hours until I drag myself out of bed to drive 5 hours north to San Luis Obispo, CA for Thanksgiving dinner with my fabulous family.

It is approximately 3.5 days until the next round of debauchery while watching football at Barney's Beanery.

It is approximately 1 week and 1 day until I have to take the ULTRA-SCARY second part of my certification exam.

And, fate (and I guess the horrible amounts of cramming that I'm going to have to do this weekend) willing, it is approximately 1 week, 1 day and 2 hours until I am officially able to put my fine ass back on the dating market. I think I'm ready for it. Even if nothing comes of it (again), even if all I meet are actors, even if I'm doomed for bad date after bad date, I'm ready to get back out there.

Lyrics of the Day

"Twenty, twenty, twenty-four hours to go. I wanna be sedated." The Ramones I Wanna Be Sedated

Simply Irresistible

It turns out that all it takes to become the most popular girl at Sunday football is a minor eye infection and a seriously congestive head cold.

I know this sounds weird, and believe you me - I'm more baffled than you are.

Yesterday The Sister, Red and I went to Barney's along with The Sis's friend. I developed this horrific head cold over the weekend and was trying to ignore it and enjoy my day. Irish showed up again this week, and this time he had the balls to actually come over and join the Redskins corner. I said hi in a cordial sort of way and would have been up for talking to him, but he didn't attempt to engage me in any sort of way. He mostly sat in the corner and watched the game, hardly participating and looking kind of sulky. I almost felt guilty. Almost. (Hey, I'm not the one that did the dumping.)

Somewhere near the end of the game (which we lost, very depressingly to a terrible team), I was pretty drunk (those mimosas just sneak up on me!) and I ended up somehow picking up another Redskins fan, someone I had met once or twice before. Then a bunch of us packed up and headed over to Big Wangs and The Fan said he would meet us there later during the Broncos game.

After the Broncos game started (and after I had started to sober-up, since I didn't have any more alcoholic beverages after leaving Barney's), I ended up talking to a cute Broncos fan from New Zealand who had met my friends there last week. Somehow my hoarse, phlegmy voice and my eyeglasses must have been an aphrodisiac - he started hitting on me quite blatantly by halftime. The Kiwi is cute though, so I wasn't discouraging him.

Then, The Fan shows up and I'm sitting there caught between two guys. I didn't really want to choose one on the spot and I didn't want to eliminate either from the possibility of future interaction, so I basically just tried to play it cool with both of them. I'm sure they had to have known what was going on - but maybe that was half the reason that they were both so interested - nothing's more entertaining than a little competition and heck - we are football fans here.

The funny thing is, all of this is going on with The Kid sitting right behind me.

He made a couple of attempts to get my attention and to see if he could get me to drool on him again this weekend, but I had already decided that I'm done with him and his actor-y ways. (By the way, I decided this weekend that "Actor" is a new derogatory slang term, as in: "I can't believe that guy just cut me off! What an actor!" It works surprisingly well.)

I seemed to have gotten away with flirting with both The Fan and The Kiwi all evening, and I thought I was doing pretty well in pulling off saying goodbye to both of them. I said farewell to The Kiwi and then we hung around for a couple more moments, after which I was saying goodbye to The Fan. I was mid-hug (you can't make out when you've got a nasty cold, darn it) when The Kiwi reappeared. I was left there, alone, between the two guys that had been hitting on me all night. It was quite awkward.

I gave The Kiwi my number and I told The Fan that I would see him at Barney's next Sunday. Phew! It was a lot of attention to receive in one day (and I didn't even get into the table of pretty cute Chargers fans that I was also flirting with - I'm such a hussy!).

Of course, I can't go out with anyone until after I take my test, but now at least I have the opportunity to scratch that itch that I was talking about.

Lyrics of the Day

"I know everybody here wants you. I know everybody here thinks he needs you." Jeff Buckley Everybody Here Wants You

Stagnation

I am romantically stagnant. There is so little going on in my love life right now that I almost feel like a fraud just for trying to post this week.

After all of my worrying and thinking and anticipating about what might happen with The Kid on Sunday, nothing at all happened. It turned out that he was working in Venice all day long and even though we talked that evening (during the later of the NINE HOURS I spent watching football at the bar), he had no intention of driving back into Hollywood (even though he lives over here). It seems to me that he runs really hot and cold. When I'm acting uninterested or wary, he's all over me, but when I'm interested he's backing off. That spells only one word in my little head: T-R-O-U-B-L-E. And you know what I don't need in my life? T-R-O-U-B-L-E. So I'm giving up that ghost and letting The Kid sniff around some other fire hydrant. This one is Out Of Service.

Today I officially scheduled my second test and I'm going to take it two weeks from today. Hopefully as of November 30 I will be certified in my profession and ready to jump right back into the dating scene. Cross your fingers for me!

Lyrics of the Day

"You may feel alone when you're falling asleep and every time tears roll down your cheeks, but I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet." Death Cab for Cutie Someday You Will Be Loved

Victory?

When Irish was breaking up with me (a term I use loosely, as we were never really together enough for me to be broken up with) I asked him, semi-joking, who was going to get custody of Barney's Beanery. I knew that, as Redskins fans, it was inevitable that we run into each other there - especially because that's how we met in the first place.

He said that it didn't matter, that we should still remain friends (after all, we had so much in common) and that we could both still frequent Barney's. But he definitely wasn't giving it up, since he had nowhere else to go, and I had Big Wangs (my other sports bar).

The first week after our dating fiasco, I went to Wangs. There was no way I was risking running into him.

The next week, the Redskins weren't playing. The following week (last week, after Red's birthday) he was out of town.

Bu this week, he showed up. We were barely into the first quarter when The Sister said, "Crap, here comes Irish."

I don't know if he knew she had spotted him or not (I had my back turned, and there was no way I was going to try to see him), but he didn't come over to the Redskins corner of the bar.

We were there, through the entire game: cheering, jeering, yelling and screaming, and for the times that The Sis could see him, he remained in a back corner - watching the game in isolation.

I felt like this was a small victory. As if - even though he was the one to break it off, to reject me - I won by not being afraid to go to my favorite sports bar. Like I stood up to him, in a way that I couldn't that night that he was telling me that it would never work, and I held my ground. He retreated, and I gained a grim satisfaction from that fact. And I just got my hair cut, so I looked damn good doing it.

Lyrics of the Day

"And you will say that you're making headway, and put it in overdrive. But you're mistaking speed for getting what you need and never even noticing you never do arrive." Aimee Mann Driving Sideways

Oh Boy

Tonight, I resolved to sit at home and study physics. Ick. But I was doing it, I really was. I was spending my Friday night re-learning algorithms and reflected incidence coefficients and the importance of the spatial pulse length. That was right before my phone rang. It was The Kid (I am newly dubbing him this). The Kid from the party that danced with me as I tried to leave, The Kid from Monday Night Football at my house who I was nearly cuddling with by the end of the evening. The Kid who is both younger than me and an actor, which is the exact type of guy I am most likely to fall for and who is most likely to crush my heart into a near-liquid pulp.

The Kid who I might have accidentally ended up aggressively hitting on Sunday afternoon, after noticing the ring on the finger of the guy that I thought had been flirting with me all day.

My aggressive flirting with The Kid on Sunday didn't get me anywhere, so I made the natural assumption that he just Wasn't That Into Me. But don't you know? When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME.

You see, it's The Kid's birthday today, a fact that I completely forgot about until this afternoon, also forgetting that I had told him to call me and let me know if he was doing anything to celebrate it. Well, he is and he called and I had to turn him down.

Now, as I was turning him down, he started being rather flirty. It started with the fact that I would owe him a birthday drink. I said of course, then asked him if he knew where we are watching the Broncos game this weekend. He said he didn't care as long as I was there. I was taken aback for a moment, but recovered swiftly saying, "Of course, so you can get your free drink!" He went on to say that he was hoping for the drink and who knows what else. This is the point at which I started blushing furiously. Thank god that can't be read over the phone. I said, "Oh, wait a second, are you hoping for a little more than just a birthday drink?" Then he said that we should start with a few birthday drinks and see what happens from there.

I know that recounting conversations is incredibly boring, but eventually he ended up saying that he was sad not to have a "beautiful lady" with him on his birthday.

Does this sound like the behavior to expect from someone I was fairly sure (on Sunday at least) had no interest in me?

Lyrics of the Day

"It's a faint, a brief affinity. It's a touch, when it shouldn't be, but it's all right." Maria Taylor One For the Shareholder

The Itch

I honestly didn't think that it would happen so soon, though I knew that it would happen sooner or later. I think it would have been the latter, rather than the former, if it hadn't been for Irish. I think he screwed up the whole rotation, and now here I am.

I am itching to date again.

I don't know if it's the social interaction, or the male attention, or the possibility of romance - but there's definitely something tugging at the back of my mind like a toddler that needs to go to the potty. It's whiny and insistent and may just wet its pants if I don't do something about it soon.

But, you see, the thing is - I can't.

I can't do anything much until I pass my test. It's evil and filled with horribly arcane knowledge that no one (with the exception of bioengineers) actually needs floating around in their head for everyday use. So getting it back into my head (back into the space that it once filled, right after I graduated school, and has since vacated in favor of plotlines for The OC, lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's greatest hits and the names of my favorite NFL players) is taking a little more effort than I thought it would.

But I swear, I swear I am going to pass this test. I am going to do it in the next two weeks (or so, depending on scheduling availability). Then I am going to get out there and get my hot ass back on the market!

Lyrics of the Day

"Won't do no good to sing no love song, no sound could simulate the presence of a man." Fiona Apple Carrion

Something's Queer in SoCal

Driving home from being paged into work VERY early Tuesday morning, I suddenly realized that I needed gas. Fortunately, the cheapest gas station in my half of Los Angeles city proper is almost exactly between work and home and conveniently on the route that I drive.

I got to the station just after 1am and filled up my tank. I was happy, not remembering the last time that I had paid $2.29 for a gallon of gas.

Today, Thursday evening after the mid-term national election, I drove by that wonderfully inexpensive gas station on my way home. I then noticed something a little funny. Not funny-ha-ha, funny-weird.

Gas is now at $2.39 a gallon.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Damn You, Ice Luge!

I have GOT to stop doing this to myself.

Every weekend (well, at least most weekends when I'm not on-call for work), I overbook myself. I plan a thousand things to do with a thousand people, and usually there are more than a few drinks involved. By the time that Sunday evening rolls around, I'm so tired and alcohol'd-out and damn near punchy that I can't even manage to stay awake after the sun goes down.

Then, painfully and abruptly, it's Monday morning.

I can't remember the last time that I wasn't miserable and dragging some serious ass on a Monday morning. Yesterday crawled by in an exhausted haze that left me more frustrated and impatient than I maybe had any right to be.

This weekend was fun, though nothing came even close to panning out for me in the Romance Department, but damn am I still paying for it. The main reason I'm paying for it?

This is an ice luge. You put your mouth at the bottom and try desperately to drink the alcohol that come cascading down without choking to death. This was the insane main attraction at Red's birthday party on Saturday night and it did some serious damage. One of the oh-so-fun side-effects of the ice luge was that it made The Jerk, a guy that Red was dating, decide that it was a fantastic idea to hit on Red's friends, at her own birthday party. Almost needless to say, I did not take the bait and Red is no longer dating The Jerk. It also made Red, The Sister, Red's neighbor and I think it was a great idea to play drinking games at 3 am after drinking all day long. Did I still kick some serious butt playing Asshole? Of course I did!

And, we still got up on Sunday morning when my alarm went off at 8:30 am. There was no way that we were missing the morning Redskins game at Barney's Beanery. What a game that was!

After another full game in the afternoon, an ill-advised trip to Burger King and picking up Red's dog from his babysitter's place, I finally made it home. I was in bed almost immediately.

Last night, I rallied one more time to watch the Monday Night Football game at Red's house. She still has beer left from the party and invited some friends over for the game and to help drink the beer. One of the friends that she invited was pretty cute, and seemed to be showing some interest in me. He's a little older than I usually date (late 30's), but hey, who knows?

The rest of the week is buckle-down time. I would really like to take the second half of my exam soon - possibly next week - and I haven't even begun to prepare in earnest. I'm on-call all week so I'm going to use the time to stay at home and brush up on physics, physics, physics. Blech.

I also managed to soak my camera with water very early on at Red's party, so I'm am sadly photo-less from the event. We took a ton of pics with Red's camera, but I wasn't able to do my Blog-worthy photography. Super-fortunately for me, my camera dried out and is ready to be put back in action.

Lyrics of the Day

"We went down at the May parade, alcohol under my breath. There is something I've been meaning to do, I am dying to tell you." Guster I Spy

Anticipation

I have been sitting around all week, just waiting for the weekend. I am so excited for Red's birthday party tomorrow, I can barely stay in my chair right now. How excited is that exactly, you ask? Well, it's so excited that:

I'm baking cupcakes. I got white and chocolate cake and chocolate frosting and magic re-lighting candles and little candies that spell out happy birthday.

I got the decorations. We're not going overboard, but I got streamers and balloons and confetti. And a big sign that says "Happy Birthday" in colored, foil letters.

I'm getting a pedicure tonight. And I'm shaving my legs tomorrow and straightening my hair. You never do know who you can meet at Red's birthday party. And she is the world's best Wing Woman.

I'm carving a pumpkin. Didn't I already do that, you ask? Well, yes, I did, and here is a picture to prove it:

(mine is the one on the left and I called him Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel)

But I'm carving another pumpkin and this one will say "Happy Birthday."

Although Red and I have only been friends for a year now, she and I become closer all the time. She's a perfect fit in my life, and a wonderful friend. I want her to have a great birthday and to know that she means the world to me. In a city like LA, it's not easy to make strong personal connections and to keep them, so I do what I can to make sure that those I love know that they're loved.

Interjection

For the first time in what feels like forever, I've had a little bit of down-time at work today. My student is just now starting to get the hang of things and we actually got some work done today. We finished early, so I sent her home and have been catching up on a little web-reading with my spare hours. I just hopped on over to Nerve.com , where I stumbled upon this article: "A History of Single Life: the Truth About the Liberal 'War on Marriage'."

I've been reading this series for months now and always find myself nodding and even agreeing out-loud with what the author (Ken Mondschein) has to say. But today's article really got me thinking, because the older I get, the more I ponder the Marriage Question(s): Do I really want to get married? When? To whom?

Apparently, I'm not the only one asking this question. Mondschein says, "If you were to go to any town in America in 1940, pick a house at random and knock on the door (perhaps you were selling subscriptions to Grit magazine), there'd be a ninety-percent chance you'd find a married couple living there. Thirty years later, despite the new sexual freedom supposedly discovered by the Baby Boomers, the chance was still eight in ten. But then something funny happened: between 1998 and today — a mere eight years — the number of homes containing a married couple fell from six out of seven to one in two. "

That's baffling to me. That in such a short time, the tables have turned so drastically on something that is still (in many people's minds) considered an obligatory institution in this country. And it seems that while gay, bisexual and transgendered couples are fighting tooth and nail for the mere right to marry, heterosexual couples are turning their backs on the "sacred union." Mondschein's argument is an economical one - that the new financial landscape of our society is what's really breaking down the marital system, and I'm inclined to agree. But I also think that attitudes in general are shifting: people are less patient, more demanding, less willing to settle and struggle in quiet desperation.

I don't mean to get up on a soapbox here, but you wouldn't believe some of the reactions that I still get when I mention the ideas of not getting married or of not having children. People say, "Oh, you're just saying that, of course you'll get married/have kids. Everyone does." But they don't. More and more, people are choosing other roads to travel down. The average age for a first marriage keeps rising, and I doubt that there's a reversal in our near future.

What does my own future hold? If only I had a clue how to answer that question.

Lyrics of the Day

"Bells will ring, the sun will shine. Whoa, I'll be his and he'll be mine. We'll love until the end of time and we'll never be lonely anymore." The Crystals Going to the Chapel

Missing in Action

I haven't meant to be away so long, somehow things have just snowballed for me in the last couple of weeks and my writing time is suffering greatly. I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I've been here. What have I been doing?

I passed my test. Well, not the whole test, because it's a two-part deal, but I did pass the first part of my test on Friday. I'm actually not as excited or relieved about it as I thought I would be, but I think that's because I'm still anticipating having to take the second part, which is going to be much more difficult and involve MUCH more studying. But it is nice to finally be on the road to being able to really get out of LA.

I partied like it's 1999. This weekend was chock-full of Halloween Party Goodness. I speculate that because last year was strangely bereft of good Halloween parties, this year everyone decided to throw one. I went to a haunted house / haunted cornfield on Friday night, followed by a Halloween party with My Husband. We ended up picking up Red between the hauntings and the party and the three of us raised some hell. My Husband had everyone doing tequila shots (except for Yours Truly, because I DO NOT do tequila shots) and he ended up with missing parts of his costume by the end of the night. Red hardly remembers being dropped off at home and barely made it to work on Saturday. Saturday night The Sister and I threw a pumpkin carving party at my place (I promise to post pics of our beee-yooo-tiful pumpkins this week), then Red and I hit one Halloween party, then hooked up with The Sis and her pals for another party. Unfortunately, I did not meet any eligible bachelors at any of these parties, but I did have a ton of fun. If you're wondering, I went as a late 1800's era prostitute, like Trixie on Deadwood.

I bailed out on football this week. I'm still a little ashamed of myself, but I was so tired and had been so social all week that I just couldn't stomach the idea of getting off my couch on Sunday. The Sister and I laid there all day and watched TV. It was fantastic.



By the way, Happy Halloween everyone! I probably haven't mentioned this, but Halloween is near the top of my favorite holidays list. I love to dress up, I love pumpkins and candy and haunted houses, I love scary movies. Tonight I think I'm going to go to Bodega (The Sister's wine bar of employ) for their Halloween gathering, then maybe hit up the crazy street mess that is the West Hollywood Halloween Costume Carnaval. Then, of course, I have to get myself home at a reasonable hour, it is a school night after all.

This Saturday, Red is throwing her birthday bash. My attendance at her bash last year is what really launched our friendship, and this year looks to be an even crazier day/night. I'm helping her set up and am in charge of decorations. Last year I also baked cupcakes and they were enough of a hit that I think I'm going to repeat them this year. This will be an all-day thing, from noon until people pass out, and it's going to be a blast. Last year I actually met a guy at her party and ended up dating him for a while. I'm fairly sure she's invited everyone in creation.

Two and half more weeks until I take my other test (I think). After that, I may just decide that it's time for another dip into that shark-infested dating pool that is LA...

Lyrics of the Day

"From my laboratory in the castle east to the master bedroom where the vampires feast, the ghouls all came from their humble abodes to get a jolt from my electrodes. They did the mash, they did the monster mash." Bobby "Boris" Pickett The Monster Mash

Misty and Watercolored

When I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money. We wore second-hand clothing and shopped at garage sales and most of our groceries were of the generic brands. A particular thing that we ate a lot was fried bologna. Basically, you put a piece (or more) of bologna in a frying pan and cook it. Then you eat it. Mmmmm, yummy.

Years later, actually probably not that long ago, the subject of the fried bologna came up between The Sister and I. She revealed that she had always been convinced that we had to eat fried bologna when we were growing up, because that was all we could afford.

Okay, the budget was tight, but it wasn't like we were destitute. We never actually wanted for anything, we always had winter coats and Christmas gifts and plenty of food to eat.

I had to tell her the truth. The real reason that we ate fried bologna all the time? My dad loved the stuff. Frighteningly, he still does.

Occasionally I go home for holidays to the oh-so-familiar smell of fried bologna.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well I guess this is growing up." Blink 182 Dammit (Growing Up)

Patterns

Dear LB,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Tuesday, October 24:

Couples celebrate anniversaries, and so should singletons. Why not pick an emotional landmark and pat yourself on the back for achieving it? Deciding not to date jerks anymore -- that's something to celebrate!

* * *

I know that I compulsively include my daily horoscopes here, but sometimes they just ring true enough to give me a good laugh. Today's definitely did - and I'm going to officially do that right now:

As of today, I, LB, officially decide to stop dating jerks!

Not that I've ever intended to date them in the first place, but I just seem to keep doing it. On top of that, I really think that I have to move on from the Los Angeles dating pool. There must be something about me, because no matter where I go or what I do, I attract actors. No one else I know has this type of problem meeting guys with normal-type career aspirations, but I can't seem to fix whatever the problem is.

Also, I wanted to thank everyone sincerely for all of your kind thoughts and words during the whole Irish debacle. It means more to me than you know to have people out there on my side.

On Sunday I was at Big Wangs (my customary football spot - as I'm avoiding Barney's Beanery and the possibility of seeing Irish for at least one week) with my friends, trying to focus my attention on two games since both of my teams were playing simultaneously. Very early on, a fairly good-looking guy was standing near my sight-line, but not in it. He asked if he was in the way, and I told him that he wasn't, everything was fine. About two minutes later he struck up a conversation with me which lead to the inevitable: what do you do? After answering and explaining myself a little (my job title doesn't have much recognition among non-healthcare professionals), I asked him the same

Actor.

Of course he was.

*sigh*

He didn't ask me out before he left (though he did stay through half of the afternoon game to talk to me), but he did ask if I was sure I'd be back next weekend. I said yes, knowing that I wouldn't go out with him anyway. Even if the fact that they're actors isn't the reason that all of my relationships in LA have ended badly, it's enough of a common thread that I need to eliminate that factor if I ever hope to break this pattern. Irish (during the 10 seconds that he was still interested in being involved with me) tried to argue the point that it's not being an actor that's the problem, that it has been personality problems with each of the guys that I've dated. (Yes, we went there, the Ex Talk, which is I place that I personally prefer never to go to.) At this point, I don't care if he's right, I just won't date any more actors. Period.

This week is a huge turning point for me though. On Friday I'm going to take the first test of the two that I need to pass to become officially certified in my occupation. Once I've passed both parts (I'm hoping to take the second part before Thanksgiving), I can finally start planning my escape. Except I already have, sort of. But we'll talk about all of that later...

Lyrics of the Day

"My own little world is what I deserve, 'cause I am the only child there is. A king of it all, the belle of the ball, I promise I’ve always been like this. Forever the first, my bubble can’t burst, it’s almost like only I exist." Guster Center of Attention

Leaving it Behind

On Tuesday night, in the heat of the conversation, it seemed so urgent, so necessary to convince Irish to reconsider. It seemed as if something so important was happening, and I was struggling to keep it alive.

On Wednesday morning, the loss seemed devastating. I was exhausted and beaten down; the light had gone out of my eyes. I plodded through the day, willing myself to concentrate, willing myself not to fall apart.

On Wednesday night I went home and opened a bottle of wine. The Sister came over and we commiserated and got emotional and reconnected in a way that we haven't been able to lately. I finished that bottle of wine and an episode of Grey's Anatomy and fell into a blissfully dreamless slumber.

By Thursday morning, the feelings that had been swirling around in my head since I met Irish were dissipating. He was fading quickly into that sort of hazy memory that all old dates and loves and acquaintances end up as. The ache that had bloomed in my chest late Tuesday night was barely more than a small twinge by the time that I got to work.

By Thursday afternoon, I was tired of talking about it. The Mother was the last person that I told the story to with any sort of lingering emotional attachment. Even then I was just worn out on feelings that had hardly had a chance to be there in the first place. There was still a small part of me crying out in indignation, crying out for the brief moment of hope that I had had, but that small part was crying out in a quieter and quieter voice.

This morning I jumped right out of bed when my alarm went off at 5:00 am. I dressed quickly and headed to the gym. On the treadmill I used every step of my three mile run to envision myself moving farther and farther away from Irish and the potential relationship that I can now see would never have been able to work out. I ran faster today than I have since I injured my leg back in August, and it felt better than it had in a long time.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well, the bells out in the church tower chime, burning clues into this heart of mine. Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories offer signs that it's over, it's over." Jeff Buckley Last Goodbye

Last Night

Well.

Crap.

I've been running over this in my head all morning, and I've seriously considered lying to you all about it, but I know that I've just got to be honest.

Damn it.

I spoke too soon.

I got my hopes up too high.

Last night was the first, and last date that I will have with Irish.

I consider myself to be a fairly intuitive person, but when I started feeling a change in his voice over the phone on Monday night, I wrote it off to nerves and paranoia. As I wrote yesterday, I knew that the moment I saw him again, things would become more clear to me.

They did.

But not for the better.

There was a distance there from the moment that he pulled up to my house. There was a vaguely uncomfortable peck hello, while I struggled to maintain my good mood and my optimism. I figured maybe he was just nervous and overwhelmed like I was and he was handling it differently.

In the car, my heart started pounding like it had done by the end of my three miles yesterday, and it didn't let up.

Over dinner, we started discussing relationships - those past and those possible. For some reason, I felt like there was something major at stake there, and my heart just kept pounding.

Back at my house, we watched a little TV, my heart racing the entire time. I kept waiting for something. I didn't know what, but I felt like there was another shoe that was going to drop and I was just waiting for it to happen.

Eventually, it dropped.

Boy, did it ever.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that he's Catholic, but it's that little fact that sent all my thoughts and hopes tumbling to the ground.

I wasn't being paranoid. Something had changed in him. He had made a decision, but was having a hard time admitting to it. He had decided that he can't deal with the fact that I don't share his religious convictions, and it isn't worth it to him to even explore what we could have had.

He even said it to my face, that he could see himself in a relationship with me, that it would be so easy. But he couldn't do it knowing that eventually the religion thing might get in the way.

Being the stubborn bastard that I am, I didn't want to give up. I tried to argue with him. I tried to reason. I tried to talk him into just giving it a chance. But it was useless. There's just nothing to do about it.

The only thing I have to be thankful for is that he did it now and he didn't drag it out for months until I was in way too deep, like The Ex did.

But now I just feel like I lost something. Well, not something, but the possibility of something. It feels sort of empty.

Waiting for Tonight

Well, it's official. Tonight, I have my first actual date with Irish, and I'm so giddy and excited about it that I'm nearly jumping out of my skin. This is a really nice contrast to yesterday, when I was so exhausted and over-worked that I could barely hold my head up by the end of the day. But I went home, talked to Irish, then went to bed before 7:30. I'm sure that I was fast asleep before the 8 o'clock hour even rolled around. Boy did I need that.

This morning, I got up at 4:45 am. I know that sounds insane, but meeting a new boy is extra motivation to hit the gym, so that was the first thing on my list today. Arriving back home after running 3 miles (I injured my leg in August and am still slowly building my run times back up), and hopped in the shower. I shaved my legs. I can't remember the last time that I had a date that was truly worth shaving my legs for, but this one is. I straightened my hair, glanced at my closet for any idea at all about what to wear tonight and ran out the door to come to work.

Now that I'm here, I'm just counting down the hours. There's just one little butterfly in my stomach about tonight. I find that when I meet someone that you really like, I'm always a little apprehensive about the moment that I see them next. Will he kiss me hello? Will we fall back into that fantastically comfortable place that we were in on Sunday night? Will he be as cute as I remember? Will he think I'm cute with my straight hair? I know that that one moment is all I have to worry about, I'm sure of it, because once that moment has passed, things will be like they were on Sunday night.

All of this brings so many things to mind for me. I keep thinking about the last time that I had an experience like this (The Ex) and how badly it turned out for me. I think about how much I've grown since The Ex, and how much more ready I feel that I am for a relationship at this point in my life. I think about the fact that I may have actually kicked my Unavailable Man habit, and that this could really go somewhere if all the preliminary signs turn out to be true. I think about how crazily perfect Irish is in so many ways, how he's got many of the qualities that I've always looked for and some that I think I look for subconsciously too. I think of all the people I know who met their mates in their later twenties or early thirties, and how things just happened for them and moved quickly and felt right. I know that I'm doing the traditional girl thing and thinking WAY too much about the future before I even know the guy; I also know that I will be able to keep some perspective on it and not jump straight into something with my eyes closed.

So please cross your fingers for me, wish me luck, say a prayer, send me positive energy. This could be the beginning of a something beautiful.

Lyrics of the Day

"At last, the skies above are blue. Well my heart was wrapped up in clover, the night I looked at you." Etta James At Last

Hail to the Redskins

Although the Redskins did not win yesterday (instead losing painfully to one of the worst teams in the league...), someone did.

Me.

I met a boy.

This is completely insane, because as you all know, I've been on total hiatus for almost 2 months now. I found out on Friday that I am eligible to take my crazy-hard professional certification exam and I'm taking it in less than two weeks. I had planned to buckle down and study my butt off for the next two weeks, then study for the second exam for two more weeks, then start formulating a plan to get the crap out of LA. And then, this.

I met a boy.

I actually originally met him two weeks ago at Barney's Beanery during a Redskins game. Actually, it was this day, but he didn't really try to spend that much time talking to The Sis and I, because we were being swooped on by the scummy guy from the aforementioned post. But as the game was gearing up yesterday, in he walks. I thought to myself that he was pretty cute and the three of us greeted each other as fans of the same sports team do - you can make friends very easily when united for a common cause. Eventually the boy, to be known as Irish henceforth, The Sis and I migrated outside to the patio, where most of the Redskins fans had congregated. We had a ridiculously good time, although many hearts were broken by the pathetic loss. We stayed at the bar much longer than we meant to, and finally around 3pm (we had arrived at Barney's at 9:30 am) we started heading out.

I went to hug Irish goodbye, but he aimed for a kiss. I thought that he was going to kiss me on the cheek and was fairly surprised when he landed a peck square on my lips. Surprised, but pleasantly. I had been feeling the chemistry, but wasn't expecting that at all. I thought that I would run into him again next week, and maybe things would go from there. I went to go to the bathroom before leaving and was surprised once again to find Irish waiting for me. He said, "So, what are you doing later today?" I told him that I was going to another bar around 5pm to watch the Denver Broncos play the night game with a crew of friends. I said that I'd be there the whole game if he wanted to stop by and hang out and he said that he would.

When he walked through the doors of Big Wang's (another sports bar where I watch football), I got really giddy. I realized that I actually really liked him and couldn't believe it. By the end of the night we were holding hands and touching legs under the table. When I asked him to drive me home, he was more than happy to do so. We made out like high school kids in the front seat of his car outside of my house for about 15 minutes before he suggested that we could hang out a bit longer.

Now, while I did not do anything entirely foolish or unladylike - I did not wake up alone this morning.

I have not had a boy in my bed in over a year and a half. I had nearly forgotten what it was like altogether. But let me tell you, it was more than nice to be reminded. I am falling head over heels into infatuation. I can't believe I forgot how amazing true chemistry really is.

Now, there is something that I haven't mentioned, but I think that it's best summed up in a Pros & Cons list about Irish. Here we go:

Pros
1. He's smart and adorable and funny
2. He's Irish Catholic and loves his family
3. He can sing
4. He loves many of the same movies I do, especially The English Patient
5. He works out at the same gym as I do (The Hollywood YMCA)
6. He lives fairly close to me
7. He has the same cell carrier, so we can talk for free
8. He's cuddly, and I don't mean that he's chubby
9. He shares my politics
10. He's a Redskins fan
11. He knows what it's like to sit down at a picnic table full of Maryland Blue Crabs and go to town
12. He's a real guy, he doesn't shave or wax or pluck anything that guys shouldn't shave or wax or pluck

Cons
1. He's an actor

That's it. It's the only one. And the chemistry is SO good, there's such a connection that I just don't care.

So it seems that I will have some stories to share after all...

Lyrics of the Day

"Are you having regrets about last night? I'm not, but I like rivers that rush in, so then I dove in." Tori Amos Sleeps With Butterflies

Lessons Unlearned

Last night I had a group of friends over for Monday Night Football. The Broncos were playing and nobody felt like braving the crowds in a bar, so I offered up my couch and my ESPN.

Of course, this guy is among the pals that I invited over. I'm finding that I'm at war with myself (again) over what to do with him. Obviously, I'm not going to date him. That, at least, is totally out of the question. I swore that I'm never going to date another actor, and I meant it. I really did. But the attention is really nice, and he's cute and well, I wanted him there. I actually sort of made sure that he would be on the regular invite list for our football watching from now on. What's the matter with me?

He ended up sitting next to me on the couch (it seemed intentional, but you never know with such things) and by the end of the evening, we were doing that funny, middle-school thing where your legs are constantly touching but you pretend that you're not paying attention to it. There was something dangerously, yet comfortingly familiar about it. It was like a cross between spending time with my closest guy friends (who are very physically affectionate) and being on a really good first or second date. Nothing at all happened at the end of the evening, but that feeling... I'm now cringing at the fact that I allowed myself to enjoy it so much and that I'm so attracted to him. Damn actors!

At some point in the evening, he made a reference about his brother - and I suddenly remembered a little fact that had slipped my mind. He's a twin. Does this have anything at all to do with the fortune that I was told last Thursday? God I hope not.

Lyrics of the Day

"'Cause the answer came, like a shot in the back, while you were running from your lesson; which might explain why, years later, all you could remember was the terror of the question." Ani DiFranco Marrow

Look Deep Into My Crystal Ball...

Today I was deciding whether to take lunch or see one more patient at work when I saw that the patient I had left to see was leaving her room to go downstairs for something. I thought that it was quite convenient of fate to make my decision for me and I stood next to her, waiting for the elevator. She was in a wheelchair (due to shortness of breath when walking, not an inability to walk), but was having trouble maneuvering it among all of the people getting onto the elevator. I held the door for her and made sure that she could fit in (I have a stalwart belief in elevator etiquette.). When the doors opened back up on the ground floor, I told her that I was going to help steer her out of the elevator, because she was turned so that her back faced the door. I helped her out and she thanked me and then I took lunch.

It was over three hours later that I was finally able to get back to her floor to perform her exam. Somewhere in the middle of the exam, she remarked that I had a great energy. I didn't think much of this, because I'm extremely congenial and compassionate at work, so people are so kind as to compliment my spirit/attitude/smile often. Then she said that things had been changing a lot for me in the past four months. I said, well, yes they had, but they had been changing almost constantly for a couple of years now. Then I realized what was going on. She was giving me a reading. I asked, to be sure, if she gave readings or if she just got general feelings about people. She said that she gives readings, then proceeded to give me one.

She said that there was a guy and my mind immediately went to The Ex, even though it's been such a stupidly long time since that brief and ill-advised affair. She said that he had obviously hurt me, and that I still had feelings for him, but that it was for the best that we didn't work out. That he wasn't a soul mate. Most importantly, she said that I need to let my walls down and learn to trust again. Belief in psychic powers or no, she really hit the nail on the head with that one.

She proceeded to say that she saw me meeting a man, a strong man. That it would happen when I'm a year or maybe a year and a half older than I am now. That I would meet him through a friend. I asked her if it would be in LA or somewhere else. She put her hand on my arm and asked if I wanted to leave LA. I said that I did, but that I also had a hard time thinking about leaving this job. She said one word to me, "Go."

(The last time I was given this advice, it was by a very dear friend and it was in response to the question of whether or not I should move to LA. He said, "Go." It felt true and I went and here I am.)]

She also asked if there were twins in my family, which there are. My mother's aunt had twins, twins and triplets. My patient said she saw twins in my future. A third child as well. (THREE?? I'm not even sure I want any at all?!) She said she saw happiness.

I thanked her and left with a greater feeling of general well-being than I had felt in a long time. Whether her perceptions mean anything or not, whether they're based on something she really sees or just a mishmash of guesses and leading phrases, whether any of that stuff ever really happens - that good, warm-fuzzy feeling was a gift in and of itself.

Lyrics of the Day

"I know soon you will be over the lies and you'll be strong. You'll be rich in love and you will carry on." Matchbox Twenty You Won't Be Mine

The [Long-Awaited] Update

I can't believe I've forgotten to post about this until now. Sometimes my brain just gets away from me.

After writing about Red's Big Internet Date last week, I didn't hear from her for a couple of days. Dying of anticipation, I called her on Friday to see how it went. I got no answer, so I left her a message scolding her for making me wait so long to find out what happened. I waited all night, but she didn't return the call.

Nor did she return the call on Saturday. Now, I can be a pretty Paranoid Polly and I start wondering, what if her internet date was the 1 in 1000 creepy psycho and he kidnapped her and is keeping her in an old barn in Ventura County or something?? I start musing on the fact that I wouldn't be anywhere on the contact list if something bad did happen to her. Who could I call that might know? Maybe I should start calling around to our school friends (that's how we know each other, we went to the same vocational training school). I don't know her parents' number, but I could try her work number if I really decide that I need to worry. But I swallowed all of my (probably silly) panicked thoughts and decided to give her a couple more days.

Sunday night, during those long hours that I lay awake in bed, my mind kept turning back to Red. What if something really did happen? This only served to give me one more reason not to fall back to sleep. I resolved to try to call her again on Monday, for surely she had to resurface sometime.

On Monday, she finally called me. Nothing at all had happened, of course. She had gotten busy after the date and then left town to climb Mt. McKinley over the weekend. I told her that I was starting to think that her date had run off with her and she was both amused and apologetic. Turns out that the date went really well. She liked the guy and found him attractive (a magic combination that I haven't experienced since Tall Guy) and they had a really nice time. She successfully survived her first Internet Dating Experience.

Lyrics of the Day

"I thought it was funny when you missed the train. When I rang you at home they said you left yesterday. I thought it was strange when your car was found by the tree in Ennis where we used to hang around." Dido Isobel

Nerve

Back to the question of dating on Nerve.com. It's hard for me to describe the way that I feel about reading the bloggers on Nerve. It's some kind of geeky fan-girl groupie gut-reaction. I literally fall in love with these people and with their stories. Their lives seem so far away, yet so close. The funniest thing (well, to me) is that I didn't even start reading the Nerve dating blogs until after I started writing this one. I would have undoubtedly been influenced even more by the style of the writers, so I think it's good that it worked out that way. Plus, those blogs are far less family-friendly than this one. And they're not anonymous, which is a little unnerving (ha ha, no pun intended).

Ever since becoming completely addicted to the Blog-A-Log (it's listed under my Blog links if anyone is curious), I've had a semi-secret growing desire to be one of their bloggers. I'm not sure if my life is racy or entertaining enough, or if I have enough to say that would interest the [ridiculously jaded] audience of the site. But I do really want to give it a shot. The problem is, I've dated through Nerve before, and the results were less than spectacular.

The first guy that I met was Computer Geek. I actually still refer to him that way, though it's not meant to be disparaging. He was very sweet and very intelligent. He wrote witty, well-composed emails. We had things in common. He was a video game QA guy (meaning he played video games for a living, testing them for bugs and such), and he rode a motorcycle. Unfortunately, when we met in person, it all fell apart. He was one of the oh-so-many guys that you can meet on the internet who are great over email but awkward and inept in person. There was nothing wrong with him, per se, but trying to carry on a conversation was excruciating. There were long gaps between subjects and I was constantly scrambling for new things to ask, new things to say. After two lackluster dates, we called it quits.

The other guy that I met on Nerve was The Philosopher. Again, wonderful over email, though there were tons of red flags that I knew I was ignoring when I decided to go out with him. He was significantly younger than I am (a bad pattern that I was finally able to break after things were done with him), he was barely out of college and just starting to find his way in the world, and he was extremely inexperienced in many, um, matters of the heart. We went on one date, where it was again revealed that I really get excited about guys who can write an email but end up being unable to participate in the kind of vocal sparring that I love.

I immediately developed a bias and assumed that it was the population of Nerve that was the problem, and not me. But in retrospect, I think that I may have gotten that backwards. You see, I never really actively pursued anyone on Nerve. I just let the few guys that were interested email me, and I responded. Nerve charges a fee on a per-credit basis, and I just never felt like spending the money. But I know that if I really do want to pursue the opportunity to blog for Nerve, then I have to get my hands dirty and my wallet open.

Lyrics of the Day

"So you just sit on your hands and quietly contemplate your next bold move. The next thing you're gonna need to prove to yourself." Ani DiFranco Your Next Bold Move

The Ultimate Question

I had thought today about posting a little diatribe regarding this strange-ish dream that I had last night, because it made me think a lot about my essential goals as far as a future relationship goes. But then, most fortuitously, a reader posted an inquiry on my last post:

"When are you going to go on more internet dates? I thought that was the point of this whole blog? You are talking about your past, and not going on dates. "

That's a question that I've been asking myself a lot lately. As I stated in an earlier post, I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now - for both personal and professional reasons. It's far more discouraging than most people know to go on unsuccessful date after unsuccessful date. I've had a building feeling that there really isn't a guy for me in the entire city of Los Angeles, and this most recent string of internet dates really made me think that I'm not making the feeling up. Plus, I was more than dissatisfied with my experiences on both Match.com and eHarmony. Match is full of game-players just looking for the hottest person available (I'm not going to say that I wasn't guilty of some superficial judgements myself) and eHarmony seems more populated with the socially-inept or the extraordinarily busy. In neither medium did I feel that I was making fair judgements or being judged fairly, nor was I able to feel like I could really convey who I am.

So this brings us to a bit of a stalemate. Am I going to go on more internet dates? It's been just over a month now since my last date, and a few days less since the last ill-fated correspondence was sent (the futile email to the vanished WY Guy). Have I been missing the dates? Well, maybe, just a little, sorta. Have I been relishing the extra sleep time? Hell yes I have. Do I have a terrifyingly difficult certification exam to sit for (and hopefully pass) in the next month, that I must pass to have all of my professional options open to me or to beg for a [hard-earned] pay increase? Yes, yes I do.

I want to date, I do. I don't want to give up hope on finding someone to keep me warm at night (on those rare nights in LA when it's cold enough to need someone). I also have a burning desire to apply to be a blogger on Nerve.com (which I've said about a thousand times, so maybe I should do something about it??). So I think that, in the near future, I will finally get myself back onto their dating site (which I haven't done this time around) and try to develop some material for this blog and also for said application to blog for them.

Lastly, yes, this is a blog about internet dating. But it's also a blog about me. It's something that I use to sort out my thoughts, to keep up with my friends, to focus my often-sporadic urges to write. I'm just sharing here people, because I love doing it. The dating thing was mostly an excuse to write.

Lyrics of the Day

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to." Anna Nalick Breathe (2 am)

There May Be Some Hope Yet

Yesterday, my usual crew of football friends was AWOL, so I nearly bagged the idea of watching my game altogether. Fortunately, The Sister gave me a ring at the exact right moment and we decided to go catch the Redskins / Jaguars game at Barney's Beanery. I don't know if it's the fact that I wasn't with any other guys (I'm usually with at least one during game days), or if the atmosphere at Barney's is just different from where I usually watch but it ended up being an immensely entertaining social experience.

While I didn't actually get any dates out of the afternoon, I did have some faith renewed in the existence of football-watching-beer-drinking-hairy-legged Real Men in Los Angeles. I talked to one guy for a while who was really sweet and I think that he wanted to ask for my number but couldn't work up the nerve. The Sister and I both got hit on by a guy who was quite cute, but then we realized that he was one of those slimy guys that does little other than try to hit on anything with female DNA. Our friend, who was bartending, confirmed our suspicions when he pulled The Sis aside and told her to watch out for him and that he was a scumbag. Shucks. We also made friends with some of the other Redskins fans there and I realized that there is little that can bring people together faster than the shared love of a sports team. We cheered, we communed, we yelled at the television, we screamed like crazy when the Redskins scored a touchdown. Of course, the whole thing was made much more perfect by the fact that we won in OT.

Then, for some reason, last night I didn't sleep. I woke up around 1:30 am and found myself completely unable to get back to find my way back to dream land. I turned on my iPod (I love to listen to audiobooks as I'm falling asleep) and just lay there for 4 hours, unable to sleep or get comfortable. Even worse is that the book I'm listening to is a Stephen King book and I had this strange sense of unease that made me unwilling to have any of my body parts outside of my covers. I can't explain the weird rationale that seems perfectly logical at 2:00 am; in the light of day I know that I was being silly, but last night I just couldn't bear to have my arms hanging out in the open. I don't know if the book (being completely riveting) made the insomnia worse, or if it just gave me something to do, but I finally ended up dozing off for about 30 minutes just after 6:00 am. Today, I feel like I'm in some surreal limbo state. Everything is hazy and my eyes burn and my heart beats too fast. I've been staring at the screen now for a while, and I'm having very little luck making anything as witty or interesting or coherent as I would like to, so I think that I'm just going to give it up for the day.

Hopefully tomorrow I will return after some serious sleep and be my bright-eyed, bushy-tailed self again.

Lyrics of the day

"Now I lay me down not to sleep, I just get tangled in the sheets. I swim in sweat 3 inches deep, just lay back and claim defeat." Barenaked Ladies Who Needs Sleep

My First Time

Way, way back in 2003, around the time that I met The One That Got Away, I had my Very First Internet Date. As I mentioned previously, I had just broken up with the Speed Freak and I decided to give internet dating a try. I posted a nice little add on Craigslist and received a mountain of replies within hours. I was completely overwhelmed and had no idea how to narrow them all down. I also made the mistake of using my AOL email address as the "reply-to" and ended up with a couple of IM stalkers for weeks later. (Believe me, I wised up quickly and ended up creating a specific "internet dating" email address.) Somehow or another, I eventually narrowed them all down to a slew of guys that I thought seemed worth meeting. Pictures were exchanged, then telephone numbers.

I can't remember whether the first guy I went out with was chosen as the first for a reason, or if it was just how the timing worked out. In my foggy retrospect, I think that it must have been a coincidence, because I know there were other guys that I was more interested in that I ended up going out with later. Actually, now that I think of it, I jumped RIGHT IN to the dating. I scheduled myself a double-header on the very first day.

My first suitor was Good On Paper Guy. He wrote well, seemed intelligent and nice and was a Psychologist or the like, working in a mental care facility. He seemed to be very into what he did (which I was incredibly interested in, and here I am 3 years later in the healthcare industry myself) and I really admired it. But the first red flag came with the first phone call. I gave out my home number instead of my cell, so that I couldn't be endlessly cell-stalked if any of the guys ended up being creepy, and GOP Guy called when I wasn't home and left a message. It wasn't that the message was bad, or that he said anything inappropriate - it was just, well, he sounded like Keanu Reeves.

Ted "Theodore" Logan

In person, GOP Guy was much more like an airheaded surfing frat guy than he was like an intelligent medical professional. All of his stories involved getting in trouble with his buddies or his frat brothers. In person he didn't seem to have any reverence at all for his career choice, it seemed that he was just in it for the money and the job security. He was also incredibly into his car, which is something that I understand but I don't really find attractive in a prospective partner. I like shiny, pretty things too, I just don't need to have that much focus on an inanimate object. (Unless, of course, you count my collection of TV on DVD.) All in all, we just weren't a match. But I still felt that it was a successful first internet date because he didn't kidnap me and take me home and tie me up in his basement.

The second guy that I went out with that day was Boston Guy. In real life, I actually still refer to him as Boston [Insert first name here] so I figure I have no choice but to call him Boston Guy here. I had met GOP Guy for an early afternoon coffee and was meeting BG for a later afternoon coffee. It was a good date, I really liked him, but we didn't go out again because I first met TOTGA and then got back together with the Speed Freak. But for some reason, BG stayed in my life. We kept in touch a bit and eventually ended up hanging out again about a year later. That was another good time, actually it was sort of an amazing evening of soul-baring, but I could never tell if he had any romantic interest in me at all. Now I hear from him every 6 to 12 months. He'll suddenly pop up and ask me how I've been and say that we should get together. I say that I'd love to and then he'll drop off the face of the earth for another 6 to 12 months. I've given up on him

I can't explain why it is that I wasn't initially freaked out by the idea of internet dating. My friends and family surely were. But to me it just seemed like another thing to do, something new worth trying. Unfortunately, that first round of dating was by far the most successful. I haven't had an experience that compares to it yet.

Lyrics of the Day

"And it feels like the first time, like it never did before. Feels like the first time, like we've opened up the door." Foreigner Feels Like the First Time

Another One Bites the Dust

Last night I was laying on my couch, preparing to catch up on a little TV before heading off to bed at [the obscenely early hour of] 9:00 pm when my phone suddenly rang. It was my friend Red, who I had just spoken to on Monday and wasn't expecting to hear from for another few days.

Red: "You have to help me."

Me: "Of course honey, what's going on?"

Red: "I'm about to go on my very first internet date!"

Me: "Holy crap!"

You see, Red is just a little bit older than I am and had yet to give in and jump on the Internet Dating Carousel of Fun™. But at some point this summer, she decided to give eHarmony a whirl. She had met a few promising guys, but then started dating someone that she met offline. That relationship just came to an end, so she thought she'd check in on eHarmony world and lo and behold: there was a guy that she wanted to date just waiting for her to say the word.

She filled me in on all of this on Monday, so naturally I figured that there were still a few days for her to relax before she would have to bite the bullet. Not so. He called, they scheduled, he was on the way to her house at that very moment.

Me: "Just be yourself. It's just like talking to a guy in a bar, except you know a little more about him. And you're really good at talking to guys in bars. You're my hero."

Red: "I've just never done this before. I'm so nervous!"

Me: "You'll be fine, just ask him questions and don't talk about yourself incessantly and if it clicks, it'll click."

Red: "Oh my gosh, hang on!"

She clicked over to the other line, presumably to hear that her date had arrived.

Red: "He's here! Here I go..."

Me: "Good luck!"

She promised me an update, hopefully today. I'm not sure that I even remember the very first internet date that I went on... no, wait, yes I do. But that's a story for another day...

Lyrics of the Day

"So special, but it hasn't happened yet. You are gorgeous, but I haven't met you yet." Bjork I Miss You

Points to Ponder

While in Bakersfield over the weekend with my family, I had the chance to ponder a lot of different things.

1. Do half of the residents of Bakersfield even know that there are mountains surrounding the town? With all of the dust and smog that get sucked into the valley, it's often hard to tell.

2. Do people who go to County Fairs ever have all their own teeth? Judging by the foodstuffs sold, I find it doubtful. But then again, I have to admit, a deep-fried Oreo does have its charm...

3. How does anyone resist a petting zoo? I got to pet a zebra. And a miniature horse and a cow and some goats and a pot-bellied pig and...

A llama! (Llama face! *sob*)

4. Does riding rickety carnival rides (like The Zipper, an all-time favorite) ever lose its charm? The Sister and I may have been the oldest people in line for said Zipper, but we enjoyed it just as much as all the teenagers. Maybe more!

5. Would my life be drastically different if I had never left the small town that I grew up in, or if I had moved to another small town instead of to LA? Bakersfield has an, um, interesting mix of people, but I noticed that there were nearly as many young couples running around with wedding rings and strollers as I saw when I was in Bozeman in August. It just seems that people couple much more quickly in a smaller population, but I wonder if that bug would have bitten me any sooner. I use my inherent nature, pickiness and independent personality to justify the fact that I'm still single in my mid twenties - but is that just an excuse for the plight of the modern urban woman?

Honestly, I don't think so. I think it is something inside of me that just doesn't want to settle down and pop out some rugrats before I'm able to really grow up and see the world and know myself. I'm thinking more and more about getting out of Los Angeles and travelling, and I couldn't do that if I was tied down to a family.

Lyrics of the Day

"'How did it go so fast,' you'll say, as we are looking back. And then we'll understand, we held gold dust in our hands." Tori Amos Gold Dust