Saturday, August 30, 2008


I've been writing. I've been starting and stopping and erasing what I've written. There is some hole in me that I've tried to fill with rational thought and questions about the right thing to do; the hole swallows these things and grows.

I've been thinking of loss. Of the losses that have been and of those still to come. The losses that I have control over and those that are coming no matter how hard I rage and struggle against them.

How often does one meet another person that really loves them for who they are? How many chances do we get at these things that seem so monumental and so small all at the same time?

Lyrics of the Day

"And I filled the emptiness and the pain inside with a whiskey and a woman's touch, and that's as good as love." Joe Purdy Meteor City

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Decisions, Decisions

I have been practicing avoidance. Avoiding telephone calls, avoiding conversations, avoiding this blog. There is too much that has been happening that I just don’t want to talk about. I’m not even sure that I can really talk here and now.

For the moment, I’m going to skip my family life and go back to what the purpose of this blog was in the first place: My Love Life.

Or lack there-of.

I guess that it’s time that I tell y’all what’s been going on with PC.

*Deep breath*

*Big sigh*

I broke up with PC.


But I guess that there’s still a part of me that’s undecided. I don’t know if it’s the part of me that has gotten used to not being alone (how quickly this happens), or if it’s the part of me that loves him, or if it’s the part of me that fears any and all kinds of change. But I’m not sure whether or not that part of me that is hesitant can override that part of me that was just suffocated by his neediness for so long. That’s what finally did it – the suffocation, the neediness.

My family situation at the moment is a lot to handle. Not only am I having to handle it myself, but I have to be here to be strong and to support the rest of my family; having to be the only emotional outlet for PC at the same time just proved to be too much for me to deal with. I had thought, when PC and I decided to spend a week and a half apart after leaving Columbus, that I would have time to think about our relationship and how difficult things had been and whether or not it was worth continuing. Absence really did seem to make the heart grow fonder, as I started to feel myself missing him as it approached a week of being apart. Then he came to meet me in Montana and attend a friend’s wedding and everything that had been plaguing our relationship just rose straight to the surface and bubbled over during the five days that he was here. I was even considering giving it more time (I was having this High Fidelity idea that maybe a break-up would be too much stress for me to deal with in a time already brimming with stress) until he just pushed and pushed and proved to me that being with him is more stressful than being without him. And I broke it off.

Almost the minute PC left, he says, he started to really realize what it is that he needs to do to make the relationship work. Ignoring , of course, the fact that he’s told me almost the exact same thing three or four or five other times. Ignoring, of course, that I’ve given him chance after chance after chance to understand what kind of relationship I wanted – that I thought in the beginning that we both wanted. I am, and always have been, an independent person. Only-child-independent. I need space, I need a man that has his own friends and his own life and won’t begrudge me mine. I just don’t have faith that these are things that PC could ever give me.

But he’s begging. He wants so badly to have a chance to show me that he can do it. I know that it would be best for me to be strong and to stand firm with my decision. But can I?

Lyrics of the Day

"So when you ask 'Is something wrong?' I think 'You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now.' So one last touch and then you'll go, and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more." Death Cab for Cutie Tiny Vessels