Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Decisions, Decisions

I have been practicing avoidance. Avoiding telephone calls, avoiding conversations, avoiding this blog. There is too much that has been happening that I just don’t want to talk about. I’m not even sure that I can really talk here and now.

For the moment, I’m going to skip my family life and go back to what the purpose of this blog was in the first place: My Love Life.

Or lack there-of.

I guess that it’s time that I tell y’all what’s been going on with PC.

*Deep breath*

*Big sigh*

I broke up with PC.

Technically.

But I guess that there’s still a part of me that’s undecided. I don’t know if it’s the part of me that has gotten used to not being alone (how quickly this happens), or if it’s the part of me that loves him, or if it’s the part of me that fears any and all kinds of change. But I’m not sure whether or not that part of me that is hesitant can override that part of me that was just suffocated by his neediness for so long. That’s what finally did it – the suffocation, the neediness.

My family situation at the moment is a lot to handle. Not only am I having to handle it myself, but I have to be here to be strong and to support the rest of my family; having to be the only emotional outlet for PC at the same time just proved to be too much for me to deal with. I had thought, when PC and I decided to spend a week and a half apart after leaving Columbus, that I would have time to think about our relationship and how difficult things had been and whether or not it was worth continuing. Absence really did seem to make the heart grow fonder, as I started to feel myself missing him as it approached a week of being apart. Then he came to meet me in Montana and attend a friend’s wedding and everything that had been plaguing our relationship just rose straight to the surface and bubbled over during the five days that he was here. I was even considering giving it more time (I was having this High Fidelity idea that maybe a break-up would be too much stress for me to deal with in a time already brimming with stress) until he just pushed and pushed and proved to me that being with him is more stressful than being without him. And I broke it off.

Almost the minute PC left, he says, he started to really realize what it is that he needs to do to make the relationship work. Ignoring , of course, the fact that he’s told me almost the exact same thing three or four or five other times. Ignoring, of course, that I’ve given him chance after chance after chance to understand what kind of relationship I wanted – that I thought in the beginning that we both wanted. I am, and always have been, an independent person. Only-child-independent. I need space, I need a man that has his own friends and his own life and won’t begrudge me mine. I just don’t have faith that these are things that PC could ever give me.

But he’s begging. He wants so badly to have a chance to show me that he can do it. I know that it would be best for me to be strong and to stand firm with my decision. But can I?

Lyrics of the Day

"So when you ask 'Is something wrong?' I think 'You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now.' So one last touch and then you'll go, and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more." Death Cab for Cutie Tiny Vessels

5 comments:

Louise said...

You know in your heart that he's not going to change and this is not what you want. Save yourself alot of heartache and stand firm.

Suz said...

"Almost the minute PC left, he says, he started to really realize what it is that he needs to do to make the relationship work. Ignoring , of course, the fact that he’s told me almost the exact same thing three or four or five other times. Ignoring, of course, that I’ve given him chance after chance after chance to understand what kind of relationship I wanted – that I thought in the beginning that we both wanted. "

This is the summary of my life with Mr. CA. I completely understand your conundrum. So very hard to remove your heart from the decisions you have to make. As a result, (to quote Matchbox 20), if it's the same to you, I'll just hang....

Maybe you can learn from me, or maybe we will travel the same path. Either way, it's still okay! I wish you all the best, and hope that things in your family are okay, too.

So good to hear from you. Take care of you in the midst of all this turmoil.

:)

Chris said...

Hah, a High Fidelity reference. Now lasinglegirl is definitely in my top 5 blogs of all time.

Anonymous said...

Absence does make the heart grow fonder that's for sure, but how is it possible for him to come to where you are and to give you the space you need? It was how many ever days at your house in your hometown... if you told him to go for a drive or a walk to just give you some space would he have? He's been telling you all these things but has he ever really had a realistic chance to give you space? Maybe... but this was in Ohio where he hated his job, and weren't you two sharing a car? It's easy to be on your own for a little, but for months without friends? I think this would be incredibly hard... Do you think it could be different somewhere else? From what you've said it sounds like he's very capable of having friends men and women alike. Do you think he wants you to be his only friend in the universe? Only you can answer that question, but to me he doesn't sound like that kind of person.
When I first fell in love with my husband we were very close to loosing what we had forever because I was incapable of walking away from fights, or just not smothering him because I just wanted to always make sure everything was perfect with him, instead of just letting him come to me for help, because of course we both knew I would be there in good times and bad. Not until about a year of misery did I really realize what I was doing after an extended vacation and time apart from him. Ever since (It did take a while to adjust mind you) Things have been healthy in these respects, especially since this really wasn't the person I knew I was, I was just so stupidly madly in love. I'm not trying to tell you you are wrong, just wanting you to look at the other side of stuff. You say you still love him... wouldn't he have given up by now if he didn't really think it could be different? I'm not you, but I say somewehere else with a fresh start and new variables, this may be just what you guys need. If he doesn't do anything with any improvement then kick his butt out, but it sounds like he's made improvements or at least tried in some arenas I just think it may be worth a shot somewhere else... even for the fact that all these people who respond (including me :)) really have no idea what you feel deep down, or both sides of the issue, so it's easy to attack or just say "eh, just give up... you'll be fine, stay tough" or even me saying (not to this extreme but) "it will all be perfect just give it time!" Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time loss makes you realize what you once had, and how much it was worth... Maybe he really does realize that, and maybe with this extended time apart he could be better with a fresh start. I say one more, and if it doesn't work than never ever again. You guys do sound very good for eachother sometimes, or did... Outside pressures, or no time to think without some space, and to much attention and lack of space; all these things can be poison, and a stronger dose when all combined. If you love him and he does seem as "beggingly" set on what can happen, than who knows... love is just such a crappy thing to waste, especially when it may be truly gone someday.

Anonymous said...

I've been on both sides of this coin myself, and can honestly say that nothing will change for the better if he's still at the point where he is begging.

In order for two people to have a healthy relationship, it need to be a partnership based on mutual understanding and respect. At the point when one person is always begging for "one more chance", the person begging is giving up their own self respect, and it is hard for the other person to respect a begger.

Plus, not only that but I think that when someone degrades themselves to the point where they are always the one pleading that they can "change" to meet the other person's needs, there has to be a little bit of resentment deep down that eventually will come out later - usually in some passive-aggressive action.

He is begging because he appears to have lost his own self-confidence. Deep down, even if you take him back, a part of him will feel like "Why didn't she love me for who I am, the way I am. Why am I not good enough?". In my honest opinion, it is a very unhealthy situation to be in.

And now, for you... You are already at the breaking point. With all of your other family stress at the moment, I am not sure it will be easy for you to even give PC a fair shake. He may try to "change", but most of what seems to be a problem appears to be deeply ingrained habits at this point. I'm not saying he can't change, but its not an overnight fix and because you're at the breaking point, you might just be sub-consciously looking for him to slip up so you can say "AHA!!! I told you so!!". That's not very healthy for you either.

My opinion, looking from outside the situation, is that neither of you are really very happy in this situation. You are smothered, and PC is like a person standing on a 2 foot ledge over 100ft cliff. It's not fun being smothered, and it's also no fun being in a relationship where you can't relax knowing the other person is close to kicking you to the curb. That is just making him worse. Perpetual instability and insecurity will do that to a person.

I'm not saying it is your fault. Something inside PC allowed him to put himself into a situation many guys would say "Ok, that's what you want? Fine... bye!" if their girlfriend told them she might want to break up. Of course, IF PC did that, you would probably be sad and want him back. Everyone wants what they can't have, right?

But truly, it's not going to get better right now. Maybe a clean break is needed to gain some perspective. If it is truly meant to be, then eventually it will work out that way. My recommendation is do not change your mind. Get some distance and move on for now. Keep in light and occassional contact after a few months.

It may very well turn out that PC will realize he was being immature and clingy and he will change and grow from this. Someimes with that growth, it means you guys will no longer be connected to each other in the same way romantically anymore... even if the "laundrylist change" seems to be what you wanted. It is weird, but sometimes the things that annoy us about someone are attached to other parts of their personality that draw us to them. Two sides of the same coin and all.

In the end, only you can decide what you want, but you are young and so is PC. And PC's clingy behavior and the begging is definitely a sign that he needs room to grow up more and staying in a relationship feeling like a beggar who is always about to be pushed out the door isn't good for him or you.

He does seem like a good guy though at heart, but I don't think it will work out at this time. If you guys DO decide to give it a shot, I recommend speaking to a couple's counsellor together. Sometimes it takes a disinterested 3rd party to see what the major issues are, and maybe things could be fixed if BOTH of you are willing to make changes to your unhealthy behavior.

Good luck.