Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Space is Not Just a Place for Stars

I guess that I've come to a sort of conclusion. Unfortunately, the conclusion is that I cannot come to a conclusion.

As a couple of you commented, maybe space is what I need. I actually know that it's what I need (and something that has been in terrifyingly short supply over the last 6 months or so), and I'm coming to a decision about how to get it.

PC and I are leaving Ohio on Saturday, July 26. There will then be 3 or 4 weeks until I am to start a new job in another city, which I will be spending in Montana with my family. During this time, PC and I are negotiating a way to spend some significant time apart. I'm hoping for two weeks to process and get a chance to get some perspective.

Maybe I sound foolish, but I feel like I can't fully make an informed and rational decision on the future of this relationship (or lack thereof), without getting a chance to truly reflect on my own thoughts and feelings. I just can't get that with PC giving me puppy dog eyes and insisting that we're perfect for each other every moment of every day. He means well, but he just doesn't know how to drop it.

So there's limbo right now. Waiting and seeing.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm starting to feel we stay together out of fear of dying alone." Death Cab For Cutie You Can Do Better Than Me

* Special thanks to Chris for the link to the Gibbard song - and a Death Cab lyric today as a bit of an ode!


Suz said...

I give you props for taking the time you need to decide what is right. I think a few weeks on your own will do great things for your clarity.

Best wishes on your exit from Ohio to whatever is next!

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Anonymous said...

Hey there... Sorry about this, but I didn't mean to post my comment with my blogID. Could you please list my comment as anonymous. Thanks a bunch!

It is HARD to deal with someone who is begging pathetically. I know he's worried about losing you, but noone likes desparation.

The more pathetically he behaves and the more he degrades himself trying to convince you to stay with him, the harder it is going to be for you guys to EVER have a healthy relationship based on mutual partnership and respect.

You do need space, but I don't think 2 weeks is space... Personally I think you guys need to take a break and get yourselves situated SEPARATELY after the move. Maybe then you can try by starting over and dating casually, seeing if it is tolerable and then try slowing re-building.

Anything less, and you guys are headed right back into the same behavioral patterns that got you to where you are now.. Probably worse because you are going to be angry that you believed a short break would change things, and he because he 'failed' again, which will just make him even more clingy. This is not a healthy relationship.

I have faith you will make a good decision. It would be very easy to try starting over, more casually and slowly IF you are going to be working in the same area where he is... but I do NOT recommend continuing to live together - so if your work if going to take you far away from him, it may be best to end the relationship, but try to maintain light contact as friends...He will grow up someday (most likely).

Remember guys do tend to mature more slowly than girls and they are often clingy when they have their first few serious relationships. They do tend to outgrow it around 30+ it seems... then many guys are largely indifferent and getting them off the couch to go see a movie or to a family BBQ instead of sitting around watching sports will be like pulling teeth. In fact, during parties of 30+ couples, often the guys will all wander off to the basement or garage to admire some new gadget, leaving the women-folk to oooo and ahhhhh over shoes or whatever 'normal' women like to talk about. I'm not a 'normal' woman I guess...nothing in common with these chicks, so I am left to smile and nod and grind my teeth that the menfolk all ran off on us.

So yeah... I guess once you get to that point, you remember how annoying and clingy men used to be when they were younger, and wish their was a balance between being attached at the hip, and total abandonment. Enjoy it while it lasts as long as you can get your man to respect your space and boundaries.

Anonymous said...

Wow... I'm not quite sure there's good or bad advice, or a right or wrong decision. It's just sort of heart breaking after reading all the good and bad posts throughout your blog's history not only about you and PC's relationship but about everything and now come to where we are now. But the hardest part, I guess, is just that... where you and PC are now. It sounds as though he has finally realized what it's going to take to stay in this relationship, but that doesn't mean that it may in fact be to late for you. Also as the last comment said, it is always hard when he is begging you for another chance, it's the same as you wishing it could or could have been different when in fact it wasn't. He needs to stop that, but it is understandable. Through all of this though, I personally think you should give "it" not "him" but "it" one more chance. If in fact you do, I think this is the kind of language you should use as well, because after-all it is a two way street, and a relationship between two people. Just to hear how happy and in love you two had been (more than any other relationship you've EVER been in it seems for both of you) I think this is the only reason to give it one more chance. After one more chance, and the next place you guys go together if it doesn't work out, or at least get a whole lot better, than you will know FOR SURE you two are truly not meant for each other. But in a place with so many circumstances that you two hate, and the first time you've ever lived together, I'm just surprised you two haven't killed each other, not literally but you know what I mean. I think it's worth just one more try because you never want to have to wonder, because that can be the worst thing and lingering feeling in the world. You want to have no doubt, and to not wonder. I think at the very least you two need just one last chance, because if he swears to you that he knows now, and unfortunately he's waited a long time, then maybe he can show you, and your "resentment" may be able to slowly subside and your love may be renewed. To hear how you talked about it initially I think it is possible. The fact that he doesn't want to give up and he wants to "help" make it all better, that mixed with how much it sounds like he loves and is committed to you, might be a lot of what it takes for the two of you in a completely different place and circumstances to just day by day improve upon the love you once had...Like I said, after one more chance if it doesn't work out, or it at least doesn't get a lot better then you will know for sure it probably never will... I vote one more chance for love's sake.