Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The intention The Mother had, when proposing this insane trip to us, was that a December race would keep us training in the typically off winter season. But due to the rigors of my job in San Francisco, the painfully hilly landscape and my lack of a gym membership - I sort of let that whole training idea slide for the last three months. When I left Bozeman in August I was probably in the best shape I've ever been in, but the last three months of a mostly sedentary lifestyle and way too many nights of Chinese delivery have put me quite far out of shape. But did I throw caution to the wind and finish that godawful half-marathon anyway?
Yes, yes I did.
The first 8 miles weren't so bad. Miles 9 and 10 started to hurt and I positively hit a wall at mile 11. But I finished the run, hand in hand with Prince Charming (who could have left me in the dust at any time with his damn natural athleticism). And I guess, in retrospect, it was actually fun. Yesterday, when I felt like an arthritic 95 year old was not so much fun, but I think if I were to actually train for the next half-marathon that I could survive it and maybe even enjoy running across that finish line. I think.
Lyrics of the Day
"We're running just as fast as we can, holding onto one another's hands." Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
This past weekend I flew to Los Angeles to visit Prince Charming and all of my wonderful Angeleno friends. The Sister, who spent her summer in South America is back in LA and so I was there to spend time with a slew of people. When I first got to San Francisco, I had planned and spending more than just one weekend a month in LA, but it turned out to be easier and more relaxing for Prince Charming and I to spend most of our weekends in SF and that' what we've been doing. Anyway, this was my last trip to LA before the end of this California job, so I was trying to pack in as much as humanly possible.
On Sunday, Prince Charming, The Sister and I met My Married Boyfriend at my old favorite football haunt Barney's to watch the Redskins almost not lose to the hated Cowboys. We ended up having a fantastic time hanging out and yelling at oversized tv screens and by the end I was mildly intoxicated and beginning to realize that I really have no idea when I'm going to get back to LA next and then I was just caught up in a landslide of over-sentimentality. You see, I have always really valued the friendship that I have built with My Married Boyfriend and I have also really considered him to be the closest thing to my ideal man that I have meet in as long as I can remember. I've actually maintained a bit of a closet crush on him over all this time. He went pretty out of his way to hang out with us on Sunday and I was touched and enjoying his company and thinking how far from him and all my friends I'll probably be in January. In the midst of all this misty-ness I had a pretty amazing revelation: I think My Married Boyfriend is fantastic, but I wouldn't trade Prince Charming for him even if I could. Prince Charming has succeeded in becoming the only person that I want to be with and the only person I could even imagine myself being with. That's a huge leap for me.
Speaking of huge leaps: Prince Charming and I are moving in together. Or moving out together. However you want to describe it, in 4 weeks I am going to be leaving San Francisco to spend 3 weeks unemployed for the holidays and then will be moving on to a new job in a new city in January. Prince Charming will be doing all of this with me. We went from the horrible trouble of the long-distance relationship to the back and forth of the commuting relationship and through it all, we've only grown to love each other more and to want to spend more and more time together. It's amazing how fast we went from seeing each other once a month to seeing each other every weekend and how easily we became spoiled and realized that even every weekend isn't enough. So he's packing up and getting out of LA with me, and I'm shocked to say that I'm ready for this. I've never lived with a significant other - hell, I've hardly even had a functional relationship before PC, but I'm ready to move in. Plus, he's already received the hearty stamp of approval from almost everyone that matters in my life (even my grandfather, who told PC to call him Grandpa after the end of their first meeting) and will receive some of the final stamps from remaining family members at Thanksgiving this weekend. The Sister refers to him as my fiance when she talks about us and she told me that it would destroy her universe if we ever broke up.
Somehow, I have coupled up and am settling down. As much as I sometimes still can't believe that it's actually happened to me, I can't imagine things being any other way.
Lyrics of the Day
"Unknown quotients, you must be using potions. How else could you tie my head to the sky? This new convection has left me wondering why I can't concern myself with ordinary tripe." The Shins Girl, Inform Me
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The truth of it is, I'm still in a state of disbelief. I have to look at Prince Charming, at least once each time we're together, and tell myself - remind myself that it's real. I have to remind myself that it's not impossible that I met someone that I could see spending the rest of my life with. I have to remind myself that I am, for the first time in my entire life, really and truly loved.
It's the most amazing thing in the entire world.
Lyrics of the Day
"I've been wishing on a star but I could never have imagined that I could land just where you are, after all this lonesome traveling." Teitur One and Only
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I always thought, in my oh-so-many days of Singledom, that I would be the coolest girlfriend ever. I'm laid-back, I'm not jealous, I like sports, I don't have any hang-ups about pornography, etcetera, etcetera. And while all of these things are reasons that I could be a very cool girlfriend, it turns out that none of that is really what it's about or what it's supposed to be about. I didn't really realize what I was getting into (though I wouldn't trade it for the world). It seems that I got far too used to being single and being on my own and not having my behavior or moods have much effect on anyone else's life, but being in a committed, heading-towards-forever relationship is a much different situation than I've ever found myself in before.
During the 10 days that PC was with me in Montana, I found that you just can't hide anything anymore when you're working your way toward living with someone. You can't pretend that your body is miraculously hairless every day - if you need to shave, the person that you're spending every waking and sleeping minute with is going to know about it. If you have a runny nose and can't force yourself to get out of bed, you can't hide from your significant other - you've got to allow them to suffer through it with you. If you're in a hopelessly black mood, there's just no hiding that from a man who pays the utmost attention to what you do and say. As a person who has a hard time admitting any type of weakness (even to myself), this is proving to be a difficult, though somewhat liberating, adjustment. And when I did have moments of hysteria in Montana (managing to misplace my wallet when I could have sworn that I should have it with me), I couldn't hide my frighteningly stressy side - PC got to see that along with the rest. But throughout the trip, my Prince Charming was unfailingly loving, understanding and tolerant.
All of these things that we experienced on a small scale in Montana, Prince Charming and I have been experiencing in an even more real way over the past six weeks. When, just before the end of Prince Charming's visit to Montana, I finally got the call finalizing my job in San Francisco I was really excited. Though San Fran is a good 5 to 5 1/2 hours from LA, I knew that PC and I would work out a way to see each other as much as possible. I was also excited about the prospect of spending three months in such an interesting and beautiful city. I knew that PC and I would be able to explore it together. And we have, we have managed to see each other every single weekend since I got to San Fran, which has been ever more eye-opening for me.
There is so much stuff that is wonderful: walking across the Golden Gate Bridge together, sleeping in the same bed on a regular basis, cooking in, eating out, watching football together, walking all over my neighborhood, checking out local dive bars. But there are things that have been tough too: my need to decompress at the end of the day and have a bit of space to myself, getting used to PC's less-than-compulsive tidiness / cleaning habits (not that I'm the tidiest person in the world myself - it's just that when I grab the tub of margarine out of the fridge and get margarine all over my hand, I know that I'm not the last one who used it), dealing with the conflict of wanting to share everything with PC but still needing to have some measure of privacy (including this blog, but that is a post for later), trying not to take any bad moods out on each other. But this is what it is, what it's supposed to be. We're building a relationship - a real, lasting, workable relationship - not some fantasy based on infatuation like everything else that I've ever experienced. And through all of it: the good, the great and the not-so-perfect, I've never begun to doubt that I love him or that he loves me. And that is really the most amazing thing of all.
Lyrics of the Day
"Is your figure less than Greek, is your mouth a little weak? When you open it to speak are you smart? But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me. Stay little Valentine, stay. Each day is Valentine's Day." My Funny Valentine Frank Sinatra
Friday, September 21, 2007
My father is just a bit scary. Not the Meet-The-Boyfriend-At-The-Front-Door-With-A-Shotgun scary, but he's got a very intimidating presence. He tends to sit back and watch and listen and he doesn't offer up his own voice very often. To a young man courting his daughter, that silence can come off as down-right menacing. I had more than one pre-pubescent suitor quake in his shoes upon visiting my family's house for the first time. In high school I avoided the situation as much as possible and there was no way in HELL that I would have introduced the Speed Freak to my father. I did make the mistake of introducing The Ex to my parents - a mistake because I still believed that I was in a relationship that was going somewhere at that time and The Ex had already decided that it wasn't. It just took me about three more weeks to figure that out. The point is: meeting my dad is a big deal. A HUGE deal really, and I was just a bit nervous of how it would work when Prince Charming finally made it to Montana. I was actually more nervous that PC would be put off by The Father than I was of it being the other way around - PC tends to make an almost universally good first impression.
I never should have worried. Of course, I couldn't have expected it to work out quite so well as it did. Seriously folks, in the end I think if I didn't marry Prince Charming my family would disinherit me.
The Father took to PC like he's never really taken to anyone before. The Father obviously warmed to PC quickly and engaged him in far more conversation than I would have expected. And Prince Charming did the same in return. If I analyze it, I'd have to say that PC's father has always been very hard on him and I think has maintained a largely disapproving attitude toward his son and I think that Prince Charming was nearly overjoyed to have a male presence that was both friendly and accepting. It was touching, really. And I think that The Father began to realize that, although he never had sons of his own, he could gain surrogate sons by marrying off his daughters.
Now that PC is pretty much one of the immediate family, there are very few hurdles left to scale before he's given full and complete approval. This is jumping ahead in the story a bit, but the most important of the final hurdles is about to be jumped this weekend: I'm taking Prince Charming to Bakersfield on Saturday to meet my Grandfather.
Lyrics of the Day
"Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by, and we fly just like birds of a feather - I won't tell no lie. All of the people around us, they say, 'Can they be that close?' Just let me state for the record, we're giving love in a family dose." Sister Sledge We Are Family
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Let's start somewhere around where we left off. I had returned from the all-too-brief wedding weekend with Prince Charming to slog through my final two weeks in Baltimore. And slog through I did, finally managing to pack up all of my earthly belongings into two suitcases and a huge box for shipping, boarding a poorly-booked flight home to Montana and landing back on my home turf late Saturday night, July 28. I spent the following days sleeping off my traveling exhaustion, hanging with my folks and doing nothing more than wishing that Prince Charming was already there, in Bozeman, with me. Being with my family again made me acutely aware that I really wanted PC to be with my family, a part of my family, my own chosen family.
There is no way that I can detail the entire ten, blissful days of togetherness. It would be too exhaustive, too repetitive and too difficult to dredge from my memory at this point. But suffice to say that we did everything we could possibly do and we had an amazing time. We did the Sweet Pea Festival with my family and with Red, who was also visiting. We floated the Madison River (basically you sit in an inner tube on a river, drink some beer and float on down it - if I've never described that before), spent a few days at my cabin, met endless numbers of friends and family and got really, really used to being together. Not to say that everything was 100% perfect - there were little bumps (caused mostly by my moods or poor stress-handling skills), but we navigated them fairly easily - especially considering that the anniversary we celebrated (with mimosas in the mountains) was only our four month.
Throughout most of our time in Montana, the future of the geography of our relationship was still in question. I had yet to hear word on any suitable jobs, and I was beginning to despair that I had been too narrow in my demands. But I had decided fairly early on that I needed to be back in California once I was done in Baltimore - not just to be near Prince Charming because I hated being so far away, but also to see if our relationship would weather being together as well as it had weathered being apart. It was the Friday before PC left that I finally heard on a job that sounded good and I accepted. Then I prepared to leave that following Thursday for my new place of residence and employment: San Francisco.
Lyrics of the Day
"Now are you gonna love me? Are you gonna fight for me? Promise that you'll never, ever leave me please." Aaron Espe Settling
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Everything went perfectly with my flights to Des Moines. I made it safely onto the hotel shuttle and Prince Charming (with his infinitely useful hotel experience) ensured my early check-in to our room so that I could get myself family/friends/wedding ready. I took my time getting ready, since I had over 2 hours to do it. While I was still in the process, PC was able to sneak away for a few minutes to come see me, which was wonderful. He then had to run back over to where the wedding party was for photos and I kept getting ready. The plan was for him to come back over to the hotel after pictures to meet up with me and his family, make the introductions and walk us over to the church.
Just before noon (the ceremony started at 1), PC called to tell me that his dad, stepmom, and sisters (one step, one half) were outside the hotel and wondering if they could come up to our room to brush teeth and freshen up after their drive over from Dubuque. Not wanting to be rude, but horrifyingly nervous of meeting the fam by myself and with little warning, I asked him to have them give me 10 minutes to finish getting ready and then they were welcome to come use the room. Despite my reservations and nervousness, Prince Charming's family was really great. His stepmom was extremely friendly and welcoming and it made the whole thing much more comfortable than it could have been. We all ended up walking over to the church together and I sat between his dad and stepmom during the ceremony. It was, just like everything else between PC and I, surprisingly easy.
The ceremony was gorgeous, though it was a Catholic ceremony, so it was a little too formal and structured for me. The bride was absolutely gorgeous and Prince Charming was breath-taking in his tux. There was a long gap in between the ceremony and the reception, during which I tried to take a nap and then PC and I got to spend a bit of alone-time together. I hadn't really considered how hard it would be to be the date of the Best Man, but there was a pretty large demand on his time - which of course I was cool with - it was his best friend's wedding after all. But once the reception got swinging, we had the greatest time. I sat with his family at a table, because PC was seated at the wedding party table for the beginning of the festivities. I actually had a lot of fun with them. I won over his stepsister (who is 20 or 21) by complimenting her shoes and we got along really well. I made good conversation with his dad and stepmom and just really enjoyed myself. Once PC's formal duties were over, we were finally able to really spend some time together.
We had a blast. I loved being in his world: meeting his family, his friends, seeing him in his element. And here's the kicker: I caught the bouquet. Yep, that's right. I totally caught the bouquet. Prince Charming and I had actually talked about it a little - he was hoping that I would catch it, but I told him that I was not going to embarrass myself and fight for it. I dragged PC's stepsister up with me and we stood demurely in the back. The bride through the freaking thing right to me. She launched it backward toward the crowd of single girls (it was a huge reception, so there had to have been at least 30 or 40 girls up there) and it just flew right toward me. I reached up and grabbed it and just stared at it - I was so shocked! But I was totally pleased too. As completely dorky as it sounds - I really think that things (actually, we both think this) with Prince Charming were meant to be, and it's things like this that just back-up that belief.
For the rest of the night we socialized and had a little wine and danced (I am a notoriously bad dancer, but somehow magically, I can dance with Prince Charming. It's inexplicable.). We had an amazing time. The night went too fast, as did the following morning, when we slept in and then ordered room service and ate it in bed. We had lunch with his family and then we went to the airport together. My plane was supposed to leave about half an hour before his, and we both cried when we said goodbye. Every time we see each other, it gets more amazing. And every time we have to say goodbye it gets harder. Every day that we're apart gets harder. I never knew that I could love anyone so much.
It was after I boarded my plane that everything went to hell. At the time that we were supposed to take off, we got word from the pilot that there was too much traffic in Chicago, my connection city, and that we were delayed. We ended up sitting on the runway in Des Moines for an hour and a half - long enough for me to miss my connection to Baltimore. They couldn't get me out until 2pm the next day, so I spent the night in a cheesy airport hotel and had to miss work on Monday. I was exhausted and stressed and there was just nothing I could do about it.
I finally got back to Baltimore after 6pm on Monday night. My journey home had put a bit of a tarnish on the sparkle of the wonderful time that I had with Prince Charming, but at least I had made it back in one piece. And I knew that no matter how hard the next two weeks (my final two weeks in Baltimore) were going to be, they would pass and then on August 2 I would be with PC again - in Montana, for 10 whole days.
Lyrics of the Day
"Way down below there's a half a million people, somewhere there's a church with a big tall steeple. Inside the church, there's an altar filled with flowers, wedding bells are ringin' and they should've been ours." Johnny Rivers Mountain of Love
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Of course I'm not that crazy! They won't be my wedding bells. This weekend I'm meeting Prince Charming in Des Moines, Iowa for his best friend's wedding. PC is the Best Man, and you better believe that I'm salivating at the thought of him in a tux. I'm so antsy and impatient to see PC after this nearly four-week separation that this week has been crawling by. I'm not even sure if it's crawling - it's more like I'm shoving it along as it digs in its heels.
I've never had a date at a wedding before. Someone to dance with at the reception and get teary-eyed with during the vows. It's such a romantic idea, I just can't wait.
Until that moment that I finally see my Prince Charming again, I feel like I'm merely biding my time. The job that brought me to Baltimore has gotten increasingly wearying and although I still have fun with my friends that work here with me, I'm literally counting days and hours until the wedding and then again until I'll be on a plane back to Montana for my vacation. Oh! And did I mention that I'm meeting family this weekend?! Saturday I'll be meeting PC's dad and stepmom, and possibly his half sister (though I'm not sure she'll be there). I'm nervous and excited and all I can hope is that I make a good first impression. Family is of immense importance to me and I couldn't live with his family not approving of me. Of course, PC assures me that everyone he's ever known will absolutely love me. I sure hope that he's right!
Lyrics of the Day
"Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. Gee I really love you and we're gonna get married. Going to the chapel of love." The Dixie Cups Chapel of Love
Monday, July 09, 2007
When I was growing up, The Sister and I used to go down the street to visit some neighbors of ours all the time. They were an old couple (in their early 70's at the time I think) and the wife made dolls and they never had any grandchildren so they fed us cookies and doted on us. They had been married for 30-some-odd years and were still wildly in love with each other. The best part of the story was that the husband proposed to his wife within a couple weeks of their meeting and they were married within three months of knowing each other. And they made each other happy for as long as they were together.
If all of this was taking place 50 years ago and Prince Charming asked me to marry him tomorrow, everyone would breathe a collective sigh of relief that I wasn't going to end up the sad, pathetic spinster of the family. But it's just not socially acceptable anymore to marry someone so quickly after meeting them. The standards by which relationships are measured have reached such a strange paradox in our society - it's a wonder that anyone gets married at all anymore. One the one hand: you don't want to settle, so you're always supposed to be looking for the "better" mate (more attractive, more compatible, more intelligent, wealthier). On the other hand, even if you find the "better" mate, if you're not perfectly happy all the time, you can just go ahead and flush the whole thing down the toilet, because why work at anything at all?
That's not how I feel about marriage, and it's not how Prince Charming feels about it either. I think what's important is that you find someone that you can love and that makes you happy and then you just make that decision to be together and to make it work. It won't always be peaches and cream and hearts and teddy bears. It won't always be easy, but there will always be love and there will always be a reason to keep going.
Now I know that I've stepped up on my soapbox, but I guess that it's hard for me to be honest with people about where I'm headed with Prince Charming for this very reason: I feel as if I need to defend what I feel and what I know in my heart. And I will defend it for as long as I need to, because it's worth defending. But years down the road, people will be able to look at Prince Charming and I and tell our story as an example of one of those times when everything that should have gone wrong went right.
Lyrics of the Day
"Give me an answer, fill in a form: mine forever more. Will you still need me? Will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?" The Beatles When I'm Sixty-Four
Sunday, July 08, 2007
When I said that weekend in Los Angeles was monumental, I wasn't just talking about the fact that Prince Charming and I said, "I love you." There was more to it than that. I hinted at it when I mentioned the comment he made to his friend about marrying me. That seemed like an off-hand sort of comment at the time , but the truth of it is...
We really are going to get married. And have babies. Starting tomorrow.
Okay, I'm kidding about the tomorrow part, but only about that. Obviously Prince Charming and I realize that we still have more getting-to-know-you stuff to do, and we do think that we should live together before we get married - but at this point we just know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Does that sound as huge to you guys as it does to me?
Part of me feels like I need to justify the relationship; explain how it is that we can be so sure about a relationship that is still so new and one that has taken place almost exclusively over the phone. But the other part of me just knows, just loves Prince Charming so much that nothing anyone could think or say could ever matter. It seems most crazy to me (well, to both of us really) that today is our three-month anniversary. It feels like we've been together longer, in a good way. At this point, we're talking for hours every day. We wake each other up in the morning and tell each other goodnight as we go to bed. Sometimes I'm going to bed as he's just going to work and he's going to bed as I'm getting ready in the morning, but that won't have to be the case for much longer. In three weeks I'll be leaving Baltimore for a much-needed three week vacation in Montana. And PC is coming to stay with me for 10 days - which is longer than we've ever spent together at one time. But every minute that we have spent together has just made our feelings stronger, has just made us want to spend even more time together. I have no idea how it could have happened like this, but I found The One. As strange as this is to say on what's supposed to be a dating blog - I'll never date again. I've meet the man of my dreams and the man that I'm supposed to marry and I've never been happier. I've never felt this way about anyone in my entire life and I've never been loved like this. It's the most amazing thing in the entire world.
Lyrics of the Day
"You said you found her and you would make her your bride, stand by her till you die. And your tender eyes, they'll glisten with pride and your smile so satisfied." Maria Taylor Hitched!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
It was almost like the kind of magic I felt the first night that we met, seeing him in the flesh again after almost five weeks apart apart. Just being able to kiss him and touch him and feel his arms around me again was like coming home. And almost as heart-warming as this was The Sister's reception of PC - she hugged him and greeted him as if she was as happy to see him as I was. The Sister has never been like that with anyone I've dated. Often she hates them altogether, or is at the most grudgingly accepting. But this is so different, the way she just let PC in, I'm still amazed.
Prince Charming and I ended up DDing people that night and didn't get back to his house until after 4 am. And all night the words just wanted to slip out of my mouth. Earlier in the night when PC related a story to me about talking to a coworker that night, he told me that he said, "I'm going to marry this girl." Instead of freaking out and wanting to run in the face of commitment, like I usually want to, my heart melted. I was so ecstatically happy to hear that, I was floating on air.
When we finally got back to his place and made up for lost time, it almost felt like we had never been apart. Afterward, I lay there looking ar him and I just couldn't do it - I couldn't hold myself back and I said to him, "I am so in love with you." Out-load. I said it. And I meant it in a way that I have never meant it before. And Prince Charming told me that he loved me too and had been wanting to say it for almost two weeks and it was like our own little fairytale right there as the sun was rising and the birds were singing outside the bedroom window.
Lyrics of the Day
" I, I'm so in love with you. Whatever you want to do is all right with me, 'cause you make me feel so brand new and I want to spend my life with you." Al Green Let's Stay Together
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I'm still far from recovered from the lack of sleep, so I just can't bring myself to give the full details at the moment, but I promise that details are forthcoming. I should warn you though - you may need to bring your Pepto-Bismol, lest you be too nauseated by what I have to gush about...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Tomorrow night I'll be packing my bags and hoping that I won't be too excited or impatient to sleep. Then I'll just have to suffer through one more day of work before I am on my way.
I have a feeling that this weekend could be rather monumental. Things may be said and things will be discussed. Lost time will most definitely be made up for. Friends will be introduced and hopefully approvals will be given. (After several relationship follies, I've learned to trust the input of others - not expressly, but it is always a good sign when your friends like your boyfriend.) Good lord I can't wait for these 55 hours to pass.
Lyrics of the Day
"I'm tired of calling you and missing you and dreaming that I've slept with you - don't get me wrong I still desperately love you." Teitur I Was Just Thinking
Sunday, June 10, 2007
But here's the thing: I really want to say it. I'm going to break down and tell you that I'm finally admitting to the fact that I am totally, head-over-heels in love with Prince Charming. And I don't think that it's in that damn-you're-so-attractive-and-you-like-me-back-I-can't-believe-it sort of way. That's the way that I was with the Speed Freak and I thought that was love at the time, but I know now that it wasn't. But this feels real. It feels monumental, but so easy all at the same time. It feels right. And almost every time we've talked recently I've wanted to say it; I've felt it on my lips and the edges of my teeth and the tip of my tongue. But at the same time I can't say it. I'm still scared in some underlying way; I'm still waiting for the bubble to burst and for the dream to end. I also don't want to say it over the phone. Anonymous was right in his/her comment on my last post: I do want to look PC in the eyes if and when I do tell him how I feel. Because although this is so scary and so new - I think that he feels the same way. And I know that we haven't been together that long, we haven't even known each other that long, but this feels like something real and something that can grow and deepen and just get better and better with time.
Lyrics of the Day
"What's the problem I don't know, well, maybe I'm in love. Think about it every time I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it. How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love." Counting Crows Accidentally in Love
Friday, June 08, 2007
Admittedly it was mumbled, and he was really tired and it wasn't until it was too late that I realized what I might have heard - but I think that he said "I love you" before saying goodbye to me. I will not stoop to the level of asking him if he said it - that just seems like fishing to me. But he might have said it, I think that he said it, and you know what my reaction is? I want to say it back. How scary is that?
I guess that now I just wait to see if he says it again, right?
Lyrics of the Day
"I think I love you, isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say, I've never felt this way." The Partridge Family I Think I Love You
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Over the past little while, PC has become Super Boyfriend. I'm afraid to get used to it, because I know that these sorts of things end when the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship is over, but it's been really amazing. We're talking so much that I'm pretty sure one of us is going to have to switch wireless carriers, otherwise this relationship could hit the Guinness Book for expense. He actually called me at 6:00 this morning (it being a weekend, he knew that I didn't have to get up for work or anything and he just wanted to talk to me) and we talked for an hour and a half. Half the time he had me laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. It's still so amazing to me to be with someone that makes me feel so completely secure and cared for. I've never experienced anything like this before. I don't sit around agonizing over what he may or may not feel for me, I don't tiptoe around him and watch what I say, I don't have to hide or be dishonest or dress myself up for him. It just works. The only thing about it that's hard is the distance between us, and I'm realizing that even that isn't so bad. As far as long-distance relationships go, I think I've got a damn good one. I just can't wait to see how it could be when we can see each other more often.
So the weekend after next I'll be in Los Angeles. I'm not telling all of my friends that I'm going, because I just can't find the time to see everyone. I'm going to spend a bit of time with The Sister, because she's leaving to tour South America for 2 months on the 18th. Other than that, I'll be spending as much time as possible with Prince Charming. I'm also hoping to introduce him to SJP and LAJ, my two fabulous girls who will both be back in LA after extended absences.
This is going to sound completely insane and overboard and hasty, but I've been really honest on this blog up to this point, and I don't think there's much point in trying to ignore what's really going on in my head. I really think that Prince Charming is someone that I could grow old with. I can see myself with him, in the real long-run. I have feelings and thoughts and desires about him that I've never had about anyone. I want to meet his whole family. I want to see the towns that he grew up in and see where he went to school and where he hung out. I want to wake up next to him every day, come home to him at night. How freaking cheesy is that?
Lyrics of the Day
"I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches, build you a fire if the furnace breaks, oh it could be so nice, growing old with you." Adam Sandler Grow Old With You
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I can't really write about it. It's too whiny, too annoying and would make for far too boring a blog entry. But I'm PMS-y, tired from my fabulous weekend in NYC and hitting my limit at the 3 week mark since I've gotten any lovin'. Mix said ingredients in a hot and humid alien city and stir and you've got a nice batch of Crazy, fresh out of the oven.
Lyrics of the Day
"I wanted to see you walking backwards, to get the sensation of you coming home. I wanted to see you walking away from me, without the sensation you're leaving me alone." Counting Crows Time and Time Again
Monday, May 21, 2007
What I do have, concerning The Kid, is some increasing guilt. I've never had The Kid's email address, but we are MySpace friends and that's the way that we've communicated online. Shortly after I got to Baltimore, The Sister posted a comment on my page about the fact that I'm not single anymore. A day or two later, The Kid posted "Miss ya" as a comment on my page. When I realized the timing of that comment, I started to feel a bit guilty. I mean, there's been a bit of guilt all along: I did happen to meet PC the day after the last time that I saw The Kid. But I've been trying to push the feeling down: I could never have known that I was going to meet my Prince Charming in bar, three days before I moved out of LA. There was no reason to think I shouldn't draw out my time with The Kid as much as possible. Then, just last Wednesday night, I uploaded the pics that PC and I took last weekend onto my MySpace page. And while I'm absolutely thrilled and proud to have the pics to show-off, I do get a bad feeling in my stomach when I think about what to do / say regarding The Kid. Because we are friends, but the situation is just so weird.
Even my subconscious knows this. The other night I had a dream that I had promised to sleep with The Kid again, he even blew off someone else because he was sure he was going to be hooking up with me, and I felt like I was absolutely obligated to do it. I felt this even though I was with Prince Charming in the dream. My dream-self was in absolute agony over the situation. Don't worry though: in the end my heart just wouldn't let me do it.
Lyrics of the Day
" On the night you left I came over, and we peeled the freckles from our shoulders. Our brand new coats so flushed and pink, and I knew your heart I couldn't win, 'cause the season's change was a conduit and we'd left our love in our summer skin." Death Cab For Cutie Summer Skin
Friday, May 18, 2007
So here's the question that I pose: how exactly does one know when she's in love / falling in love? I know that this question seems stupid, but I really don't know the answer. The first time that I said those three little (GIGANTIC) words was in high school and I felt pressured to say them after hearing them prematurely declared to me. I said it, but I didn't feel it. The second time that I said it was the only time that I meant it. But it was outside the context of a relationship, said to a close friend and had no real hope of being returned. Also, my realization of the presence of the feeling was a total surprise and so I never had a clue that I was falling. The last time that I said it was to the Speed Freak. We said it two and a half or three months in and at the time I really believed that I meant it. But once the relationship ended, the feelings faded. I saw him about four months afer we broke up and I felt nothing for him. Lust can burn out or fade away like that, but I don't believe that love does.
So, is it possible, after a paltry six weeks of dating Prince Charming, that I could really be falling in love with him? Well, from my extremely inexperienced point of view, I think that it's possible. I won't even admit to the frighteningly girly thoughts that seem to have taken up residence in my brain, but there do seem to be quite a few of them. And does it thrill me to no end that PC has used the words "My Love" more than once in the past week? Yes, yes it does.
Can it really be this easy or is this just a ridiculously exaggerated version of the relationship Honeymoon Phase? I'd like to believe the former. I spent a lot of years being single because I had no intention of settling for any relationship possibility that came along and it feels like this is the reward for my infinite patience. Either way, it's still the most amazing connective experience I've ever had and I'm going to savor the hell out of it.
Lyrics of the Day
"At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over, and life is like a song." Etta James
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
But I get it now. And I don't mean the compromising part. What I am just now understanding is that you can want to be with one person, but that it's possible to do this without compromising anything. What lead to this astonishing revelation? Possibly the best weekend EVER.
I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging on my anxiety-ridden Fear-Of-Commitment post last week. I meant to write on my birthday (which was Thursday) about how lucky and loved I ended up feeling, but I ran out of time to do so. Then Prince Charming arrived on Friday night and all my thoughts of writing left my mind.
Even if I were to get as cheesy as I possibly could, I don't think I could fully convey the wonder of this weekend. I have never had this kind of experience - I'm still nearly reeling from the perfection of it all. I was really nervous picking Prince Charming up from the airport on Friday night. I didn't know if things would be awkward or if the initial attraction had been fleeting or if I would be able to make the weekend worth his taking four days off of work and flying all the way across the country. But just as those first three days that we spent together were so magically comfortable and amazing, my initial nervousness was unfounded and soon disappeared.
The initial attraction was not fleeting. I have never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life. And that feeling was just as strong by the end of the weekend as it was when the weekend began - if not stronger. But that wasn't the most amazing thing: it was everything else that was so surprising. Every single thing that we did together all weekend was so much fun and so effortless. We drank champagne and went to IHOP and took the Metro to Baltimore's Inner Harbor. We went for a three mile run, we watched "How I Met Your Mother" and he cooked me dinner (damn good dinner too!). Never once did I feel uncomfortable or like I couldn't be myself or like my personal space was being invaded. It was just incredible.
I don't want to get ahead of myself (well, I do, but I'm trying not to), but I think this one is going to last. I'm not predicting marriage or anything insane like that, but we're both in this for the long term. How do I know this? Because he told me so. He doesn't hide his thoughts or feelings or try to play games. He believes in honesty and full-disclosure and I don't have a doubt in my mind how he feels about me. This relationship will probably get a bit expensive: I'm going to fly him back out here in a few weeks, but it's absolutely worth it. I get it now. I get how couples can be each other's best friend and want to do everything together. I have very little experience with this type of thing, but I think I could be falling in love.
It's funny. Everyone always said that you find someone once you stop looking, that love comes along when you least expect it. I was becoming so cynical and part of me was starting to prepare for the possibility of never finding anyone. Then, as I prepared to radically change my life, I really did stop looking. And that was all it took.
Lyrics of the Day
"Don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now." Joseph Arthur Honey and the Moon
Sunday, May 06, 2007
My fear of commitment.
Remember that little thing? It's haunted me for as long as I can remember. It pushed me into attraction to unavailable man after unavailable man. It caused me to turn away from more than one good man. And now it's crawling its way back into my life and I think that it's starting to get to me.
It's the in-between moments. When we're not talking. When I have too much time on my hands to ponder the "what if's" and "am I sure's". When I think about spending Memorial Day in New York City with Blondie and SJP and that it will be Fleet Week.
You see, I'm good at being single. I'm used to being on my own and being able to do what I want, when I want to do it, with whomever I choose. You all might have noticed that. I like the option of making out with a cute sailor at a bar in Manhattan without it being cheating or making eyes at a cute employee at my workplace without guilt. I'm not good at being in a relationship. The last time that I was in a relationship, it lasted less than three months and I poured my whole heart into it. I'm not sure anymore that I actually remembered to retrieve my heart after the fact.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on Prince Charming, and the doubts and worries in my brain aren't his fault. Truly, in any realistic estimation, PC has been a nearly perfect long-distance boyfriend. He calls every day, some days more than once. He says all the right things, complements me constantly, tells me that he misses me and can't wait to see me. And still, I sit here on my couch on Sunday night and I worry about whether or not I made the right decision and whether or not I even deserve the praise that he heaps on me.
I'm hoping that all of this junk will fly out the window on Friday night when I pick Prince Charming up at the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. I'm hoping that the magic that brought us together in the first place will remind me why I was crazy enough to enter into a relationship with someone that I barely knew - and a long-distance relationship at that. And maybe it'll show me that I wasn't crazy at all. And maybe that little thing around the edges really could be on its way out of the picture altogether.
Lyrics of the Day
"So why you wanna be there, when you could be here? You are slipping away. I awake with your replacement, a bottle in my grasp, in an unfamiliar place." Lagwagon Violins
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thankfully, the doubts and depression only lasted two days. I had a good talk with Red and possibly a little too much of that wine that I found and woke up early on Sunday morning, ready to put my running shoes on and get my feet back on the ground.
It's been more eye-opening than I had initially anticipated, this sudden and complete change of life. It's been easier and harder and scarier and more fun than I ever thought it would be. Being away from all of the people that I love is strange and hard, but I'm meeting new people and I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be all that long until I'm back in California again.
As for Prince Charming, as I said, he's still in the picture. We've known each other for OVER THREE WEEKS now, so it's like we've been married for 25 years. Or not - but we are getting to know each other as best we can. It's funny, it's almost like having an internet relationship - I'm getting to know someone solely over the phone and email and yet I'm forming a real relationship with him. The big (HUGE, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS) advantage I have is that I already know that I find him irresistible. And we've discussed the fact that it's actually not a horrible thing that we have to get to know each other this way, because if we were actually in the same room we wouldn't actually get to know each other at all. We'd be too busy getting to know each other in the biblical sense to care what the other person had to say or was all about. So we're making do with what we have. AND...
He'll be here (in Charm City) in less than two weeks. I'm so excited I can barely keep my pants on.
Lyrics of the Day
"If you could choose anyone, would you place your bet on me to slay all these dragons and cross these uncrossable seas? If given the chance would you come sail away with me?" Aaron Espe Dragons
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Being as sleep deprived as I was, the details of that night, and much of the rest of the weekend, are more blurred than I would like. But I guess that's a price you have to pay for such a strange and wonderful meeting as I had. At the end of the night, it was really sometime in the morning by this point, Prince Charming made good on a forced promise that I communicated from The Mother: he helped me get a few hours of sleep. While I lay with my head in the hollow of his shoulder (a spot that seemed made especially for me, even that early on), PC told me a story until I fell asleep.
My going away party on Saturday night was a rousing success. I was actually surprised and honored by how many people came and by the wonderful things that they did for me and said to me. I never thought that leaving LA would be so hard, but it really was. I made so many wonderful friends there, met such fantastic people, it made the city home to me in a way that it could never have been on its own. I spent half of the night sobbing my eyes out with my arms around people that I love.
Prince Charming had to work that night as well, but he made his way from Universal City to Santa Monica as soon as he was able to. On the third night he knew me, PC met The Sister and The Mother. I couldn't believe it myself. The Parents had not met a boy of mine since The Ex, which had been almost exactly 2 years earlier. (Actually, The Ex is the only post-high school boyfriend that The Father ever met. The Father is not an easy to approach sort of man and I would never subject my chicken-shit suitors to his imposing countenance.) Though the meeting was brief and The Sister was in the middle of strife with her own man, the first impressions were positive.
I went home with PC one last time that night and we spent the few remaining hours together that we had. I was nearly delirious from emotions and lack of sleep, but those few hours were worth the sleep deprivation.
It was on the drive back to the hotel room that we had rented near the party location that things had to get serious. There was no way that this meeting could have been dismissed as a few days of "fun". There was too much connection, too much exchanged to just leave it at that. Being the commitment-phobe that I am, this was the hard part for me. For the first time, I stammered, I balked, I was nervous. I even had doubts. How could we realistically enter into any sort of relationship after knowing each other for a mere THREE DAYS. But my momentary misgivings weren't enough - not even for this faint heart. In the end, we agreed that there was too much potential, too much connection not to give it a try. We didn't want to look back on this meeting and think, "What if we had?"
And so, at about 6:00 am on Easter Sunday (two years, to the holiday, since The Ex had ripped my heart out and left it lying on his sap-stained sidewalk) I kissed my new boyfriend (oh yes, I really just said that) goodbye, or rather, see you later. We made plans for him to visit me in Baltimore and vice-versa, and to talk later that day. And then I walked up the hotel stairs to pack my things and start the drive to Montana.
Lyrics of the Day
"I met someone at the bar. He had a great smile and a great heart. He felt just like love, except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough." Maria Taylor Clean Getaway
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The moment I walked in the door, The Sister caught on to my shit-eating grin. She asked me what I was so happy about and I told her that I had met a boy. "You had sex last night, didn't you?!" This is the standard question from The Sis any time that she thinks I got laid, and she's usually right. I grinned sheepishly and nodded. The Mother entered the room minutes later and that little scene was replayed almost word for word. I had contemplated not spilling the beans so quickly, but obviously there's nothing that I can hide from my family - nor do I really want to hide anything. I've always told The Sis everything, and I've told The Mother everything since I was about 19; they are honest relationships that I wouldn't trade for anything.
I spent the morning and early afternoon in a sleep-deprived, twitterpated haze. The three of us girls loaded up the Uhaul with The Sister's things and made plans for the evening. I parted ways with my fam to run to my now-former workplace to tie up a couple of loose ends. While I was there, I heard the text message sound from my cell phone. Expecting some kind of update or request from The Sis, I open my phone.
(For those of the queasy persuasion, or anyone who is pregnant, may be pregnant or has heart trouble please read the following text message with caution.)
"Hey sweetie, hope youre not too sleepy today and you got those teeth nice and clean. Cant wait to see you tonight. p.s. youre wonderful :)"
Okay, yes, I know that if you're not the love-struck recipient of this text message it's nausea-inducing. But my heart skipped a beat. There was always the thought in the back of my mind that he wouldn't contact me, though we had talked about getting together when he got off of work at midnight the following night. I'm not a Rules kind of girl, but even I know that sleeping with someone on the first date (much less the first night you've met) isn't the best idea. And yet, somehow, it hadn't been the wrong thing to do. Somehow, this guy was excited about me as I was about him and I really was going to see him again that very night...
Lyrics of the Day
"Fix your hair just right, put your jeans on tight, wear a dress so I can get it off real easy, 'cause I've been thinking I'd like to see your eyes open up real wide the minute that you see me." Counting Crows Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes to Hollywood)
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Never once that evening had I felt nervous or uncomfortable, and that didn't change once we got to his place. I feel like I'm sounding like I'm romanticizing this, or that I'm overstating what I felt - but I'm not. There was nothing weird about this at all; every word, every kiss (and there were an increasing number of those), every interaction felt so natural. There's usually a self-consciousness or a timidity to first time romantic-type interactions, but there really wasn't any of this here. I didn't know what I was expecting or what I was hoping for, I was just rolling with it.
For awhile, we were mostly talking. I can't even remember now what it was that we were talking about, but it all came effortlessly. Eventually there was less and less talking and more and more kissing. I remember that when I was dating The Ex, I thought that he had to have been close to the top (if not at the top) of my list of great kissers. And you know, there was actually a time in my life where I kept a mental list of the top five, but I've kissed far too many frogs since then to have kept track. But I digress. My point is that Prince Charming wins. He tops whatever hypothetical list I had or will have or could conjure up. It's not just that he's a fantastic kisser, though that's a lot of it, it's that we mesh.
I was talking to The Sister yesterday and she was saying that when you're in a relationship that is Right, there are physical ways in which you and your mate will just 'fit together'. And as much as I give her crap about her new-agey type spirituality, I actually agree with her. The science of attraction has so much to do with varieties of compatibility that I can't help but be convinced that being able to fit another person like a jigsaw puzzle piece is a great indicator of whether or not that person could be right for you in the long run. And that's what kissing Prince Charming is like. It's like completing a puzzle - not one of those easy, 150 piece puzzles though. It's like finishing one of those table-sized 5000 piece puzzles that you just didn't think you would ever be able to put together entirely.
Have I lost you all yet?
I know this is unlike me, but I'm being straight with you. This is really what it all felt like, what it all still feels like, and when I finally caved and slept with Prince Charming that night, I didn't regret it. I didn't regret it during, or after, or at 7 am when I was driving to the dentist's office after not having slept at all. It was an experience that was so perfect that I wouldn't have regretted it even if he had never called me again.
But he did...
Lyrics of the Day
"Kiss me wont you kiss me now, and sleep I would inside your mouth." Dave Matthews Band Lover Lay Down
Monday, April 16, 2007
We began with a plan to hit a local swanky joint in Red's neighborhood. It was a bar that I had never been to and I was really up for anything. I just wanted one last night out with my favorite girl before I left LA. When we drove by said swanky bar, there was a crazy crowd outside - especially for a mere Thursday night. We immediately decided to search for friendlier waters, and Red said she knew of another place just down the street. I said, "Oh, the Fox & Hound?" She said, "No, that wasn't what I was thinking of, but I love that place let's go there." So there we went...
Somehow, in a town full of beautiful and aggressive women, we found the one bar in LA that was FILLED with men. The moment that we walked into the place, we were bombarded with suitors from every angle. Very early on, Red uttered the words that she never should have uttered - The Curse:
"Wouldn't that be funny if you met the man of your dreams tonight since you're leaving in 3 days?"
She jinxed me.
At some point, as I was talking to a pair of very nice young men, I noticed that Red was talking to some much cuter young men. Being that it was my last real night out, I felt entitled to a little shallowness - so I excused myself from the company I was surrounded by and made my way over to Red and the cute boys. After a few minutes of conversation, a particularly adorable boy sort of approached me from the side and we struck up a bit of conversation.
I'm pretty sure that I didn't talk to anyone else for the rest of the night. From the moment that Prince Charming and I began talking in earnest, we couldn't seem to focus on anyone else. Suddenly the bar was closing and I just couldn't say goodbye to the Prince. The Prince, the two remaining fellows, Red and I decided to go to the house of the other two fellows for a "night cap".
When we arrived at the apartment, the fixation on each other continued. We isolated ourselves in a hallway and continued talking about anything and everything. At some point, we leaned in for the first kiss and it was electric. I think that I was halfway to head-over-heels right then and there. When Red got tired of telling one of the apartment's occupants that she had a boyfriend and that she had no intention of sleeping with him (true to her fabulous form, she had ventured to the apartment with me because she is the best wing-woman in the world), she decided it was time to call it a night.
Again, Prince Charming and I couldn't say goodbye. There was too much chemistry. My mind was reeling. I hadn't felt this kind of connection with someone since I had broken up with The Ex almost exactly two years earlier. This far exceeded the attraction and connection I felt with Irish. I was leaving town in three days and I had just met someone that I desperately wanted to know more about, to know better. Whatever was I to do?
Lyrics of the Day
"I've seen love go by my door, it's never been this close before. Never been so easy or so slow." Bob Dylan You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Oh! I know!
I could meet Prince Charming.
In the nearly six years that I lived in Los Angeles, I went to countless bars with countless people and not once did I ever meet a guy with whom I could have a relationship. I never even went home with a guy I met in a bar. There was a random make-out session or two in there, but really that was about it. I really, firmly believed that it was impossible to meet a man in a bar in LA. I actually wrote an entire diatribe about it last year.
So what do I do last Thursday night (the Thursday before I was moving out of LA on Sunday, just to clarify)? I meet possibly the most perfect guy I've ever met in my entire life.
There is so much to tell, so much really dorky, girly, gushy stuff that I want to share with you all - but I'm still in the throes of my crazy cross-country move. I'm in Montana right now, but only until Saturday morning when I fly off to Baltimore. After I get to Baltimore and get just a bit more settled, I'm going to bore the crap out of you with all of the details of how I think I could possibly be on my way to falling head-over-heels for Prince Charming.
"Wait a second," you say. "This does not sound like the LB that we've come to know and only be slightly annoyed by."
Well, you're not wrong. I'm wearing rose-colored glasses. I'm all hearts and butterflies and bunny rabbits right now. I'm actually almost making myself nauseous with all of the cuteness and the optimism. But you know what? I'm also enjoying the hell out of it.
Lyrics of the Day
"Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go." Bright Eyes First Day of My Life
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
As my days dwindle to almost nothing and the time that I have left to spend with The Kid gets shorter and shorter, things become just a little strange. He behaves a bit more like a boyfriend than I'm necessarily comfortable with, but I just go with the flow anyway. We stay up talking after sex more than we ever did before, he cuddles with me just a bit more on the few nights when I stay over. Up until Sunday night, we had just sort of danced around the fact that I was leaving - mentioning it but never really dwelling on it or discussing the fact that it meant that this little arrangement was going to end.
On Sunday night, I agreed to take The Sister to watch The Kid perform with his improv group. I realize that agreeing to do this was almost a breach of our arrangement, but I figured that it was the nice thing to do; a small, kind gesture of farewell. So long and thanks for all the dick, and whatnot. I knew that I was in trouble when he came out and sat next to me after his part of the performance was over. But, as I said before, I was really just going with the flow. The Kid's roommates and a buddy also came to the show and afterwards The Sis and I ended up hanging out with them all night. We went back to The Kid's place and goofed off and drank and actually had a really good time. But as the night wore on and we'd had a few drinks, The Kid got more and more affectionate. At one point he even said to me, "It's not like I'm not going to miss you." I stumbled, not really knowing what to say to that and ended up spitting out a lame, "It has been good." I can't convey tone here, but I was trying to be casually complimentary, yet non-committal. I have no idea if I actually succeeded or not.
I have genuine feelings of affection for The Kid, I really do. He's a sweet person and funny and I've enjoyed the time that I've spent hanging out with him. I don't regret any decision I've made related to our interactions, nor would I change the way that things have happened or turned out. But I do have these creeping feelings of guilt whenever I sense that he's expressing more to me than I feel for him. He knows the score as well as I do, but I still feel sort of bad for not caring more.
The strangest twist of all was that The Sister really liked him. The Sis is rather more judgemental than I am and I was nervous about taking her to the show in the first place because I thought she'd be really critical of The Kid. But in an unexpected turn of events, she thought he was great. He played guitar and sang and she thought he was really talented (I don't disagree, I was just surprised at her reaction). She actually told me that if I were staying she would talk me into really dating him. I was struck dumb.
Either way, it's a moot point. I'm leaving on Sunday and he's leaving for a family vacation on Thursday. Tonight is possibly the last night that I will see him, though I'm not ruling out a later-night booty call tomorrow if he's open to it. I don't think there will be any climactic outpourings of emotion or last-minute revelations - I think that we'll just do things as we usually do and then we'll go on our merry ways. What else is there to do, really?
Lyrics of the Day
"Lookin' towards the future, we were begging for the past. Well we knew we'd had the good things but those never seem to last, oh please just last." Modest Mouse Missed the Boat
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Or virtually so. There is so much that has been going on these past days and weeks, so much that is leading up to my departure and it's all inching its way ever-so-slowly toward denouement. I've been in a holding pattern in so many ways - no new dating prospects, no home improvements, no desire to find new and interesting crannies of LA to explore. On the other hand I've been running myself ragged completing paperwork and medical check-ups and contracts for my upcoming position that I've had time for little else. At the end of the day I'm lucky I brush my teeth before collapsing into bed. So I've been largely quiet here, and in writing in general. I'm feeling semi-reclusive, but I'm still trying to uphold social obligations and to see my friends as much as I can before I go. It's a strange and paradoxical space to be inhabiting, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's coming. It's still a small point right now, but it's getting closer. It's getting larger and brighter and I may have to break out the shades in a couple of days. But it's not here yet.
Lyrics of the Day
"Couldn't quite seem to escape myself. Far enough, far enough, far from Florida. We were all drowning in cruise control. Far enough, far enough, wasn't far enough" Modest Mouse Florida
Saturday, March 24, 2007
But my subconscious seems to think that I'm wrong.
Last weekend, I got a message from the Speed Freak via an old social networking site called Friendster. Friendster was a predecessor of MySpace but didn't take off in the same way. I've never gotten around to closing my Friendster account, but I never check it or update it anymore. Somehow, I do still get email updates when someone sends me a message on the site and last Monday I logged onto my email to find a message saying that the SF wrote me on the site. He wrote that he's through living in Chicago (where he moved to go to college while we were dating - the last 6 months of our relationship was long-distance) and that he wanted to get in touch with me. As I said above, I really felt like I had nothing to lose, so I wrote him back a brief, non-committal note letting him know that I'm leaving and asking if he was moving back. I honestly believed that I didn't care whether or not he responded or if he wanted to try to meet up or whatnot.
Two nights later I dreamed that he hunted me down (of course the dream location was outlandish and unrelated to real life, but that's beside the point) and was pleading for another chance while wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed his undying love for me. I spent the duration of the dream running and hiding and being completely mortified that I had ever been involved with him at all.
The sad truth is that is exactly how I feel. The power of infatuation and attraction and the attention that he gave me (at a time when my self-esteem wasn't precisely at the top of its game) drew me into a horrifically dramatic and painful relationship. So I guess that my subconscious can admit what I was sort of trying to avoid: that I still want nothing to do with him.
Lyrics of the Day
"You thought somehow you could just pretend, that you could figure it all out; the mathematics of regret. So it takes two beers to remember now, and five to forget." Ani DiFranco So What
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I'm getting out of LA and I know where I'm going and my flight has been booked and I just found out the address where I'll be living.
This is getting more exciting and scarier every day.
I'm going to Baltimore, MD. And yes, for those of you who are near and dear to me on the east coast, this is the appropriate time to jump up and down and clap your hands.
I have a fantastic job opportunity there, not to mention a wonderful proximity to many friends and family members. And maybe, just maybe, the opportunity to date some fabulously non-LA type men...
Lyrics of the Day
"This circus is falling down on its knees, the big top is crumbling down. It's raining in Baltimore, fifty miles east where you should be, no one's around." Counting Crows Raining in Baltimore
Friday, March 09, 2007
After meeting my future husband, Rockclimber, he did send me a message and a friend request on MySpace. It was a sweet and pointedly personal message - one of those that you send on dating sites where you specifically reference something in their profile to prove that you read the profile and are interested in who they are as a person. Not that I'm saying he's definitely interested, but it had that nice kind of feel to it. I asked The Sister if he had messaged her and he had. He wrote something to the effect of, "It was great to run into you the other night and your sister is really cool too." So I thought that was really sweet. On the other hand, what's the point? I'm leaving town and it couldn't go anywhere anyway... but it is sort of nice to have the thought of someone liking me.
Last Saturday night I went out with my football friend Brussell. At one point at the bar, a nice young man who didn't really seem to be my type came up and asked if he could give me his phone number. It was at this point that I realized I have the absolutely most perfect and easiest blow-off line ever: I'm sorry, I'm moving in a month. It doesn't hurt any one's feelings and it's the truth.
Last night I hung out with The Kid for the first time in a couple of weeks. It wasn't intentional that we hadn't seen each other, it was just a run of bad scheduling. I had actually started to feel the lack of male attention / affection early this week, so I was more than happy that we were finally able to coordinate - and we definitely made up for lost time. I was talking to my friend The Figa Master about the situation earlier this week and he told me that he was actually surprised that this thing with The Kid was still working out. I told him I was a bit surprised myself, but that I'm pretty sure I knew why: it's always been a finite arrangement. From the moment we first hooked up, we both knew that I was planning on moving in a number of months. This allowed us both to really be in the moment and just enjoy what has been going on for what it is: a purely physical thing. There never had to be any anxiety over whether or not it could go anywhere else, because that was never a possibility. I am going to be sad to see it end though when I finally leave - it's been such a remarkably enjoyable and, for the most part, simple (excepting this one little hiccup). Although I realized talking to The Figa Master that I could have one of these everywhere I go as I'm travelling, I could rack up a whole harem full of Fuck Buddies all over the nation and always have a warm bed to tumble into wherever I go. Of course, I'm being mostly facetious about this... aren't I?
Again, it all comes down to my leaving. I'm trying not to have too much tunnel vision, trying to enjoy the time I have left here - but part of me is withdrawing. Part of me just wants to hole up in my apartment, on my couch with a bag of potato chips and Grey's Anatomy on DVD. And I have been doing a fair amount of that, but I'm resisting the impulse more and more. I've got to try to enjoy the time I have left while I still have it...
Lyrics of the Day
"The hardest part is yet to come, when you will cross the country alone." Death Cab For Cutie Blacking Out the Friction
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I've also been taking a break from my social life lately. This past weekend was my very last weekend being on-call at my current job. I used this weekend as an excuse to do absolutely nothing. I didn't go out, I didn't see friends, I hardly even left my couch. I just didn't feel like it, and it was fairly nice to have a whole slew of Me Time. Included in Things I'm Taking A Break From Lately has been The Sister, much to her chagrin. She told me on Sunday, "I'm going through a 'oh no my sister is leaving me phase' and you're going through a 'I hate my sister phase'." I said that it wasn't her, it was me (ha ha) and that I was just feeling reclusive. I tried to meet her halfway by saying that we could catch a movie on Monday night, if she wanted to.
So Monday night rolls around and though we were greatly tempted to spend the night in the same manner that I spent my weekend, we mustered our energy and went out to a movie. The film ended at a decent hour, so we decided to run over to the bar across the street from my house afterward and grab a quick drink.
The bar by my house is a very strange, very Hollywood kind of bar. It's in this terrible neighborhood, in the bottom level of a hotel that is generally filled with drug-addicts, prostitutes and drug-addicted prostitutes, yet is somehow a ridiculously trendy bar that can charge $10 for a martini. The kicker is that the only sign outside is one of those neon jobs that says "Cocktails" and the bar's actual name is The Bar. That's LA for you.
The Sister and I rarely go to this bar, because of the above reasons (most notably the $10 drinks), but it was quick and easy on Monday night. Strangely enough, in true LA fashion, we ran into a guy that The Sister had met rock-climbing once and then had run into a couple of subsequent times around town. We ended up hanging out with Rockclimber and his buddy for a while and I have to admit, Rockclimber was pretty cute and charming. Aside from the fact that he's blonde (and I usually stick to the brunettes), he had a lot going for him and I was finding myself being vaguely interested. He's Austrian, funny, sweet, a registered nurse, a professional drummer and the owner of 2 dogs. I find it amusing that I was far more impressed by his being an RN than I was by his being a drummer. The Sister and I agreed that we would MySpace Rockclimber and he said he was having a party next month that we should come to. I invited him to my going-away party in turn and we headed on our merry way.
As soon as we left the bar The Sister said, "So he's pretty cool, right?" I agreed and she proceeded to tell me that when she met him she thought he was great, but a little too quirky for her taste, but that he would be perfect for me. It was pure coincidence that I even got the chance to meet him, but she said maybe it was all meant to be and that I was supposed to marry him.
Of course, I've no intention of trying to start something with someone less than two months before I say au revior to LA for good. But wouldn't that just be my luck?
Lyrics of the Day
"You had to know that I was fond of you, fond of y-o-u. So I took your lips at the time and to change like that is just so hard to do, hard to do." The Shins Turn on Me
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Case in point: Montana Guy.
We had a ton to talk about, what with going to the same college and growing up in the same area and even living in the same area in LA. He's very sweet and has interesting things to say and listens well in turn. But as I said before, I am absolutely not romantically interested in him. Seeing as how I wasn't sure that the "date" was a date in the first place, I felt fairly secure in saying that we should "hang out again sometime" and that would be read in a platonic fashion.
But now I'm not so sure.
He called me a couple days after the coffee date and I delayed calling him back because I was horrendously sick and I hate to talk to people when I'm sick (except my mama, because she always makes me feel better). We traded calls a few days later and eventually connected to discuss hanging out again. I may be paranoid here, but for some reason it sorta felt more like making arrangements for a Date this time, rather than the confusion that was going on before. Either way, we made plans to have drinks tomorrow night.
There once was a time that I vowed to stop going on dates that I didn't want to go on. Somewhere along this journey, I completely lost sight of that. I'm not saying that I don't want to meet Montana Guy for drinks tomorrow night - I just don't want it to be a date. Maybe in my future surroundings (wherever the wind may blow me), I'll be better at avoiding unwanted dates. Maybe not. I'm not so good with change here people.
At this point my saving grace is that fact that I'm leaving. It will allow me to avoid any possibility of having to reject Montana Guy, if he is in fact interested. It also allows for a graceful conclusion to my relationship with The Kid, which may not have happened otherwise. Further more it will allow The Sister and I some much needed apart time, we grow sick of each other far too quickly these days and we really could use the time apart.
In the coming weeks, it's going to be difficult for me to write about much of anything without bringing up my impending departure or speculating on what could lie ahead for me. I hope that you'll bear with me on this, because I'm thinking that the light holds some pretty fantastic stories at the end of this tunnel.
Lyrics of the Day
"I drank from a faucet and I kept my receipts for when they weigh me on my way out (Here nothing is free.)." Death Cab For Cutie Why You'd Want to Live Here
Monday, February 19, 2007
Today I gave notice at my job, though I'm not going to leave until the beginning of April. I wanted to give them 6 weeks notice so that they have ample time to find and train my replacement. This place has been incredibly good to me (for the most part) and I have no desire to walk out on them and leave them in the lurch. In two weeks I'm going to give notice at my apartment building, with the intention of being out of there no later than April 15 (though it'll probably be about the 9th or 10th when I actually leave). Hopefully in three or four weeks I'll know for certain where exactly I'm going to be travelling to for my first assignment.
Assignment you ask?
I don't think I've explained this to you, but here's how things are going to go: with my occupation, I can get a job with a company that works with travelling professionals. Basically the company has contacts all over the country and they send their employees to these sites to work temporary positions, generally for 13 weeks at a time. The company pays for travel, an apartment, weekly per diem allowances, car allowances, insurance and a 401K. I pay for anything extra and my cell phone bill. Yep, that's about it.
This is something that I've wanted to do ever since I found out that it was something that I could do, way back when I was still in school. I had planned on going almost immediately after my graduation, but I got hired on where I've been working and it was too valuable an opportunity to pass up. But I've finally grown far too weary of living here (and even more so, grown weary of missing out on what could be out there for me in the rest of the world) and I put my foot down and told myself that I need to get my ass in gear and get the hell out. So I'm getting my ass in gear.
I have no idea what the future will hold for me. I'm hoping that my theory about my dating problems being linked more to the population of men in Los Angeles than to my own issues and shortcomings will be proven true. I'm hoping that I'll fall in love with another town eventually and find myself a place to settle down and someone to settle down with (eventually). I'm hoping that I'll make enough money to pay off my crappy student loans in a timely fashion and finally be able to purchase a rental property and then a house of my own. I'm hoping that I'll learn more about my job and myself and the world as I travel around, being thrown into one completely unknown situation after another. And in between I hope to spend some time with my friends and family in Montana, travel to visit friends around the country and maybe even pop my head back into LA every so often to see the people that I love that will still live here.
Let the countdown begin!
Lyrics of the Day
"We'll blow away forever soon and go on to different lands. And please do not ever look for me, but with me you will stay and you will hear yourself in song blowing by one day." Suzanne Vega Gypsy