Sunday, May 06, 2007


All through the fairytale that was my first few days with Prince Charming and through the ensuing euphoria there was a small thing at the periphery, hovering just close enough to out-of-sight to be easily ignored. I could pretend that it wasn't there at all, that it had never been there (though it had been, and for far too long). But as the weeks have passed and the lack of any contact beyond the phone conversations has begun to wear on my mind and my heart, that little peripheral thing has been poking its head further and further into the center of my vision.

My fear of commitment.

Remember that little thing? It's haunted me for as long as I can remember. It pushed me into attraction to unavailable man after unavailable man. It caused me to turn away from more than one good man. And now it's crawling its way back into my life and I think that it's starting to get to me.

It's the in-between moments. When we're not talking. When I have too much time on my hands to ponder the "what if's" and "am I sure's". When I think about spending Memorial Day in New York City with Blondie and SJP and that it will be Fleet Week.

You see, I'm good at being single. I'm used to being on my own and being able to do what I want, when I want to do it, with whomever I choose. You all might have noticed that. I like the option of making out with a cute sailor at a bar in Manhattan without it being cheating or making eyes at a cute employee at my workplace without guilt. I'm not good at being in a relationship. The last time that I was in a relationship, it lasted less than three months and I poured my whole heart into it. I'm not sure anymore that I actually remembered to retrieve my heart after the fact.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on Prince Charming, and the doubts and worries in my brain aren't his fault. Truly, in any realistic estimation, PC has been a nearly perfect long-distance boyfriend. He calls every day, some days more than once. He says all the right things, complements me constantly, tells me that he misses me and can't wait to see me. And still, I sit here on my couch on Sunday night and I worry about whether or not I made the right decision and whether or not I even deserve the praise that he heaps on me.


I'm hoping that all of this junk will fly out the window on Friday night when I pick Prince Charming up at the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. I'm hoping that the magic that brought us together in the first place will remind me why I was crazy enough to enter into a relationship with someone that I barely knew - and a long-distance relationship at that. And maybe it'll show me that I wasn't crazy at all. And maybe that little thing around the edges really could be on its way out of the picture altogether.

Lyrics of the Day

"So why you wanna be there, when you could be here? You are slipping away. I awake with your replacement, a bottle in my grasp, in an unfamiliar place." Lagwagon Violins

1 comment:

Ginger_Martini said...

Hang in there! I saw your posting and felt for you. My name is Ginger and I am a serial dater. Or, at least I was for over 10 years. I reformed and was able to get over my fears of commitment.

Once I did, I discovered the joys and fulfillment a serious relationship can provide. On the flip side, I also discovered that relationships are much more difficult than dating. Dating can be all highs. Relationships require us to also weather the tough times.

Relationships require an emotional investment. You become vulnerable, fears seep in, and people can feel or act a little weird or crazy. This is so so normal. Sometimes, a partner will pull away and need "space," other times he/she will need gobs of reinforcement. Embrace these ups and downs and negotiate them with the same gusto you negotiated dating. Also remember that many many of us have had cope with relationship fears. Again, it's normal...

My advice is to think of other things, enjoy the new town, and fill up those in between moments with other fulfilling things. But, please DON'T fill them up by flirting with or getting solace from other men. This will only work against you and enable you to maintain your emotional walls...which can sabotage any relationship.

Take a class, dive into a hobby, or meet new platonic friends. Continue to invest in your relationship and love freely. You'll be building yourself and your confidence up so you can weather emotional storms and down times.

And, don't fear. What's the worst that can happen? In the end, if he pulls away for good, you'll have learned to love a little more. The more you give freely, the more you have to give.

That's my advice. Good luck!