Friday, April 25, 2008

It Figures

So I think that I've figured something out. It's not much, but it explains a little bit. This job that I have, here in Columbus, it's unlike the jobs that I usually have. It's a start-up. It's rough and not well organized. The boundaries are ill-defined and I'm the only person that really knows everything that it entails. So at the end of every week, I sort of feel like I want to die. I'm so exhausted and worn out from fighting the adversity and the system that I come home and am barely able to pull myself off of the couch to climb into bed. And every Friday night I seem to find myself in a new pit of despair for some reason or another. Maybe it's the job as much as it's the Relationship.

Can I really do this for 13 more weeks?

Lyrics of the Day

"Dorothy wake up. Dorothy wake up. Dorothy wake up, it's time for work." Cursive Dorothy at Forty

Monday, April 21, 2008

On the Edge

So, I let things go. I let them simmer. It was a mistake, but a mistake that I didn't really know that I was making. I thought that things were getting better for a little while. And then I started noticing.

Noticing that (although I don't really like my job here) I could be in a perfectly mild mood when leaving work and as soon as I got into the car with PC (the car that we share, since we came here together and it's more cost-effective - please infuse the previous statement with a bit of bitterness since it's just one more way in which I have felt that I have nothing of my own anymore), I'm immediately on edge. I started noticing that I didn't really want to be physically affectionate with PC and that I would sometimes cringe or shiver inwardly when he would touch and hug and kiss me. I found myself becoming ever more short-tempered with small, stupid things. The fact that PC has turned the cup-holders in my car into his personal garbage/pen/change depository, making it nearly impossible for me to put cups into them. The fact that when he cleans he will pick up almost everything in the house, but he won't touch the dishes. In my (admittedly slovenly) world, the dishes are the really important thing - since you know, they rot. I know that these things are nit-picky and they are really just the tip of the iceberg with me - but it's what's behind my short-temper that triggered all of this. It started adding up. And then, The Dream.

Then, The Sister calls and she's seeing a new guy who is "perfect" and "amazing" and she's head-over-heels. And I'm happy for her, but more than that, I'm envious. I start thinking that I could meet someone who would be better for me. I could meet someone that wasn't so much work.

Hate me please, for what I'm saying. I hate myself.

I still don't realize, at that point, how much it's all bothering me. I think it's just a low mood point, because those aren't abnormal for me. And then I talk to SJP the other night. And she asks me when the hell I'm coming to LA to visit. And I realize that that is the only thing in the entire world that I truly want right now. To go to LA. To see my people. And I start looking at flights for Memorial Day weekend and I find one and I realize: I don't want PC to go with me. And it's not just because I don't have the funds to pay for his plane ticket too - it's because I want some time to myself, some time with my friends and The Sister and I want that time without PC.

After this realization, it's all a snowball. I talk to Red about how things are and she says to me, "You haven't been happy for a while now" and I know that she's right. I think very hard about calling my best friend from high school, because she was in a long-term, marriage-destined relationship with a really great guy and she just couldn't go through with it and I start wanting to pick her brain about how she dealt with leaving him. I start thinking about how much easier it would be if I was here alone. Or if I were to be alone on my next job. I start thinking about how all I've ever wanted in my whole life is to have a house and how I'm paying off almost half of a down payment in credit card debt because I've been supporting us both in one way or another for almost a year now.

And through all of this, I know how awful I am. I know that PC deserves so much more, and I've told him this before. I've said it over and over in fights and I said it again when I broke down on Friday and told him how I've been feeling. Red told me, quite correctly, that it wasn't fair to hold it in to the breaking point without letting PC know what was going on in my head. Even if it was risking causing him more heartache than I already have (which is saying something). Sometimes I really, truly believe that he deserves better and more. Sometimes I am convinced that there is someone out there that would really appreciate the emotional side of him that makes my skin crawl when I'm on edge. Sometimes I really think that we would both be happier if we were apart.

But he assures me differently. PC swears that he just hasn't "been being himself" and that he's not this needy, over-bearing person and that he doesn't want to continue that way. He swears that if I give him just a little longer, we will be happy again. And he may be right. And as Anonymous commented on my last post, I do owe it to him to give him that time and that chance.

I have 14 weeks left now on my renewed contract in Columbus. So that's what we have. 14 weeks to assess and adjust and see if it will all work out.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm sorry if I made you want to cry. You should know, I never meant to hide, I just hate bringing you down." Joe Purdy Can't Get It Right Today

"I know, it seems like I should say oh, oh well, as long as this is love. It's not all that easy." Counting Crows Anna Begins [Live]

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Castle Crumbles

I think that I've been doing the same thing to you guys that I've been doing to myself and worse, to PC. I've been pretending. I've been coasting. I've been complacent about my own feelings.

I'm beginning to feel that my personality is diametrically opposed to PC's. I got so caught up in all of this - in the thought of having found someone to be with - that I forgot what I wanted and who I was and I allowed so much to happen that I never intended. I, of course, allowed the money thing (which is so insanely out of character). But there's more. I became one of Those People. Maybe not the worst case That Person. I didn't abandon my life and my friends entirely, but I did become a type of That Person. It has been more than 6 months since I have spent any quality time with anyone in my life alone - without PC. It's a way of living and acting that I have never ever wanted and yet, it's something that I've done repeatedly. I let myself get drawn into a completely emotionally co-dependent relationship. Even after talks and appeals and pleas for PC to talk more to his friends and family (even at the risk of having him talk negatively about me), he still almost always bottles anything up that he's not talking to me about.

I'm just not sure, in all of this writing (though I do know that it's been much more abbreviated since I met PC), that I've ever tried to describe how PC is, or how the relationship has been. I could spend an hour reading back over my own self-indulgent rambling right now, but I'm in no mood to deal with myself.

PC is the most giving person that I have ever met. He's genuinely uncomfortable with receiving and is quite happy to cook all the meals, give all the massages and conform to all my quirks. But it's to a degree that has long-since ceased to be endearing. I'm an independent (you can translate to "cold" or "unavailable" at times if you would like) person and I can't actually stand to have someone running behind me making sure that I'm happy and comfortable and relaxed at all times. Sometimes I want to eat potato chips for dinner. Sometimes I want to lay on the couch and let the house be a mess and watch crappy television and not have to think about what might make me happier at any given moment. If this sounds terribly ungrateful, then I'm probably describing it correctly. For every thing that drives me more and more crazy about this relationship, I blame it on myself as much as I want to blame it on PC.

PC has a theory that he is incredibly good at reading people and making them comfortable. And to a degree, he's right. He is very good with people and can generally have a conversation with just about anyone. But the thing is, he gets too familiar too quickly. It's so hard to explain, and it's harder to explain why it makes me so horrifyingly uncomfortable. But he takes liberties. He touches people without invitation. He gives people nicknames (like calling a "Jim" "Jimbo" or calling a "Patrick" "P-Dog") without invitation or permission or even getting to know them first. And I'm not saying that I handle things any better, it's just that I'm generally an over-cautious and overly considerate person and it freaks me out. I do appreciate that he can get along with people and it's a lot of what makes him so good at being in the service industry, but he just goes too far too fast a lot of the time.

The thing that is the hardest, the thing that has brought me to where I am now, which is at a place where I would break up with PC if I hadn't brought him to Ohio and if I didn't feel like I probably owe him a bit more time, is that he is just so needy. I thought that it would end once we moved in together. In San Francisco, he would leave my house on a Monday morning, call me 3 times on his way home, talk to me at my lunchtime, talk to me when I got off of work and then call me 2 or 3 or 4 more times from work in the evening. It got to the point where I was snapping and becoming upset because I just needed a little down-time after a long day at work and a long weekend of togetherness. And he would back off. A little. For a little while. But I really thought that it would change.

But it didn't.

He's been slowly smothering me. Constantly touching and calling and texting me. Always asking me if I'm fine or what's new, like there was anything in the entire universe that he didn't know already. And I know exactly how I sound right now. I sound awful. There are probably a million women that would give anything for a sensitive, communicative, giving man. The problem is that I'm not one of them. I would give anything for someone who would occasionally share his feelings or thoughts; would walk away when I'm angry and let me regroup, instead of insisting on talking and talking until nothing being said makes any sense anymore. I'm exhausted by this relationship.

About a month ago, about the time that I starting writing here again in earnest (just like that friend that disappears in a relationship but comes crawling back when it ends or isn't going well), PC and I had a blow-up. As I said then, it seemed to be mostly about the money. Maybe. Or maybe it was just the simplest thing to focus my frustration on at that moment. And when he promised that things would improve and I lost the initial feelings of utter desperation, I just sort of let things start to slide. I just fell into the routine of life and ignored what was going on inside of me.

Last week, I had a dream. In this dream, The Ex suddenly appeared in a helicopter (having obtained his pilot's license - not altogether insane since he was an Air Force Reservist and last I truly heard of him he was being deployed to the Middle East) and he came for me and told me that he had made a terrible mistake in leaving me and that he would do anything that he could to win me back. In my dream, I actually thought out the process of breaking this to PC and I went with The Ex. I was ecstatically happy.

I woke up and I nearly sobbed.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed. I ain't ready for the alter, but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine." America Sister Golden Hair

"I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street. You say I choose sadness that it never once has chosen me... maybe you're right." Rilo Kiley That Good That Won't Come Out

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

More Internet Dating?

I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. Really. I was watching TV tonight and I saw a commercial for this dating website:

Farmers Only

I am seriously considering leaving Prince Charming just to try my luck with some good ol' country boys. Really, because I'm from Montana. And I know:

City folks just don't get it!

P.S. Now we (and I mean myself, Prince Charming and all of you[!!]) get 10 More Weeks!! in Ohio. My employer thankfully (or regretfully, depending on your perspective - or which minute of the day you ask me) agreed to extend my contract for the extra 10 weeks that I was hoping for. That keeps PC and me in Columbus until July 25, allowing us continuity of work to hopefully (finally) catch up on the finances.

And allowing me more time to meet some nice country folks.

Lyrics of the Day

"The mid-west farmers daughters really make you feel alright. And the northern girls with the way they kiss, they keep their boyfriends warm at night." The Beach Boys California Girls

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

One Year Later

One year ago, yesterday, Prince Charming and I decided (based on 3 insane days of spending any waking moment together) to begin a relationship. It was at about 5am, in the car from his apartment on the way to meet The Mother so that I could drive to Montana, and I remember being so nervous that I was nearly stuttering. I knew that I wanted to bring up something, that I couldn't just let those last 3 days be the beginning and the end of our interaction, but I had no idea what I was getting into. I had no idea that I would be losing my Single Status, gaining a Boyfriend and changing the direction of my life forever. Also, the direction of this blog...

So here we are, a year later. I'm not sure that the enormity of that length of time really makes sense in my brain. I don't really know where it's going to go from here either. Things have been better, though there have been set-backs and it seems impossible to avoid the occasional squabble. I've been caught between a rock and a hard place here in Ohio: my schedule is such that the best thing would be for us to stay here until the end of July, but I'm not sure that my current employer wants to spend the funds to keep me here (paying for a traveling employee is much more expensive than paying for a permanent one), and in reality, Ohio just really isn't my place. But it seems more likely today, after getting a very kind review from a higher-up, that we will be staying here in Columbus for the summer. So although the finances are still struggling to catch up and things are moving very slowly, it will help both PC and I to stay here and have continuity of jobs and paychecks. He's trying, he really is, it's just hard to predict your income as a server/bartender (which is what he is, if I've never mentioned that before).

So last night we went out for an anniversary dinner and had a nice time. We'll probably do a little more celebrating this weekend, when it's not a school night. Oh yeah, and I'm also for some reason determined that we're going to run a half-marathon (AGAIN) on Saturday. Mostly because it's here, so I feel like I should run it. Does that make sense? Nope. But I'm low on making sense a lot of the time these days.

Lyrics of the Day

"Why, why some people break up then turn around and make up, I just can't see. You'd never do that to me, would you, baby?" Al Green Let's Stay Together