Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Castle Crumbles

I think that I've been doing the same thing to you guys that I've been doing to myself and worse, to PC. I've been pretending. I've been coasting. I've been complacent about my own feelings.

I'm beginning to feel that my personality is diametrically opposed to PC's. I got so caught up in all of this - in the thought of having found someone to be with - that I forgot what I wanted and who I was and I allowed so much to happen that I never intended. I, of course, allowed the money thing (which is so insanely out of character). But there's more. I became one of Those People. Maybe not the worst case That Person. I didn't abandon my life and my friends entirely, but I did become a type of That Person. It has been more than 6 months since I have spent any quality time with anyone in my life alone - without PC. It's a way of living and acting that I have never ever wanted and yet, it's something that I've done repeatedly. I let myself get drawn into a completely emotionally co-dependent relationship. Even after talks and appeals and pleas for PC to talk more to his friends and family (even at the risk of having him talk negatively about me), he still almost always bottles anything up that he's not talking to me about.

I'm just not sure, in all of this writing (though I do know that it's been much more abbreviated since I met PC), that I've ever tried to describe how PC is, or how the relationship has been. I could spend an hour reading back over my own self-indulgent rambling right now, but I'm in no mood to deal with myself.

PC is the most giving person that I have ever met. He's genuinely uncomfortable with receiving and is quite happy to cook all the meals, give all the massages and conform to all my quirks. But it's to a degree that has long-since ceased to be endearing. I'm an independent (you can translate to "cold" or "unavailable" at times if you would like) person and I can't actually stand to have someone running behind me making sure that I'm happy and comfortable and relaxed at all times. Sometimes I want to eat potato chips for dinner. Sometimes I want to lay on the couch and let the house be a mess and watch crappy television and not have to think about what might make me happier at any given moment. If this sounds terribly ungrateful, then I'm probably describing it correctly. For every thing that drives me more and more crazy about this relationship, I blame it on myself as much as I want to blame it on PC.

PC has a theory that he is incredibly good at reading people and making them comfortable. And to a degree, he's right. He is very good with people and can generally have a conversation with just about anyone. But the thing is, he gets too familiar too quickly. It's so hard to explain, and it's harder to explain why it makes me so horrifyingly uncomfortable. But he takes liberties. He touches people without invitation. He gives people nicknames (like calling a "Jim" "Jimbo" or calling a "Patrick" "P-Dog") without invitation or permission or even getting to know them first. And I'm not saying that I handle things any better, it's just that I'm generally an over-cautious and overly considerate person and it freaks me out. I do appreciate that he can get along with people and it's a lot of what makes him so good at being in the service industry, but he just goes too far too fast a lot of the time.

The thing that is the hardest, the thing that has brought me to where I am now, which is at a place where I would break up with PC if I hadn't brought him to Ohio and if I didn't feel like I probably owe him a bit more time, is that he is just so needy. I thought that it would end once we moved in together. In San Francisco, he would leave my house on a Monday morning, call me 3 times on his way home, talk to me at my lunchtime, talk to me when I got off of work and then call me 2 or 3 or 4 more times from work in the evening. It got to the point where I was snapping and becoming upset because I just needed a little down-time after a long day at work and a long weekend of togetherness. And he would back off. A little. For a little while. But I really thought that it would change.

But it didn't.

He's been slowly smothering me. Constantly touching and calling and texting me. Always asking me if I'm fine or what's new, like there was anything in the entire universe that he didn't know already. And I know exactly how I sound right now. I sound awful. There are probably a million women that would give anything for a sensitive, communicative, giving man. The problem is that I'm not one of them. I would give anything for someone who would occasionally share his feelings or thoughts; would walk away when I'm angry and let me regroup, instead of insisting on talking and talking until nothing being said makes any sense anymore. I'm exhausted by this relationship.

About a month ago, about the time that I starting writing here again in earnest (just like that friend that disappears in a relationship but comes crawling back when it ends or isn't going well), PC and I had a blow-up. As I said then, it seemed to be mostly about the money. Maybe. Or maybe it was just the simplest thing to focus my frustration on at that moment. And when he promised that things would improve and I lost the initial feelings of utter desperation, I just sort of let things start to slide. I just fell into the routine of life and ignored what was going on inside of me.

Last week, I had a dream. In this dream, The Ex suddenly appeared in a helicopter (having obtained his pilot's license - not altogether insane since he was an Air Force Reservist and last I truly heard of him he was being deployed to the Middle East) and he came for me and told me that he had made a terrible mistake in leaving me and that he would do anything that he could to win me back. In my dream, I actually thought out the process of breaking this to PC and I went with The Ex. I was ecstatically happy.

I woke up and I nearly sobbed.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed. I ain't ready for the alter, but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine." America Sister Golden Hair

"I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street. You say I choose sadness that it never once has chosen me... maybe you're right." Rilo Kiley That Good That Won't Come Out


Anonymous said...

So I've been very quickly addicted to your blog from beginning to end in a very short period of time. I created my blog not to long ago and have yet to write anything because I do not yet know what to say. Let me just say yours is funny, creative, full of insight and both helpful/ comforting with every story. But it's also really sad, and the sadness comes from what has been posted most recently. PC seems like a great guy, but it also seems like he has fallen behind in some ways. But it also seems like you have to, and not to say that that it's wrong of you in any way, but it's very easy to do when things aren't going how one wants or expects. Has he ever told you that he wants to get better at any of these things? "Being needy" or "giving you more space?" One thing it seems is that how he has acted makes some sense. I'm it's been hard for him to not have these characteristics with how things have been changing and stressful for him in his life, especially with him going with you around the country. That's why I agree with you that's it's important for him to communicate with others instead of only you. But with everything that has been changing in his life in the last 6 months you are really all he's had to invest in, and not saying it's right, but it like I said makes sense that he's been like this even though it's possible that these may not be natural characteristics for him. Which is why, I agree, that he needs other outlets, which I'm sure will be easy and possible for him being the people person that he is.
It seems like he loves you very much, especially since you have said that he is wanting more than anything to rectify the situation. You did say that he is starting to help a lot with finances and that he had pleaded with you to give him a chance. Simply this is enough to invest some trust in him. I know your happiness was not fake in the relationship, and there has to be some moments of happiness now. More than anything, since this stress has had so much time to build, slowly and progressively, as you have said, don't you think that it will take time for the situation to rectify itself? I am one of those women who want someone, not exactly like or unlike PC, but someone who loves me, takes care of me, and most of all completely willing to help make needed and possible changes in such a potentially (and Im sure rectifiable and fixable situation with so much potential for renewed happiness) and again wonderful relationship. It's very sad to hear that things have gone bad, but again I am impressed that you have stayed together through so much stress and changes, and that simply says a great deal about your relationship. I'm sure there's a very small percentage of them that could last when they haven't been in existence very long and have been through the many unavoidable hardships that you guys have had. I say stick it out, because even though sometimes it may be unbearably hard now, I just know in my heart that you two could go the distance.
I apologize for such a long post but your writing inspires me to write about my love life and "misadventures" and I hope one day I hope I can have the love that you have and I know will be better if PC does what he says he's committed to doing.
P.S I Think it's completely natural to have dreams about ex's in times of overly stressful situations, but they don't mean or symbolize that things would be any better with those people or that that's what you really need or want.
Good Luck, and I will stay updated!

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope putting it out there on your blog is helping...

annie said...

I completely understand your feeling smothered-- I have an ex who was totally like that. And while initially he seemed sweet and endearing, it quickly drove me up the wall. Similar to your description, I am very independent-- I also love to talk, so I did not predict that this particular ex would make me batty. But I think with guys like that, it's more than wanting to talk all the time-- it's like they can't make a move on their own, or something. Ugh... I feel your pain!