So, I let things go. I let them simmer. It was a mistake, but a mistake that I didn't really know that I was making. I thought that things were getting better for a little while. And then I started noticing.
Noticing that (although I don't really like my job here) I could be in a perfectly mild mood when leaving work and as soon as I got into the car with PC (the car that we share, since we came here together and it's more cost-effective - please infuse the previous statement with a bit of bitterness since it's just one more way in which I have felt that I have nothing of my own anymore), I'm immediately on edge. I started noticing that I didn't really want to be physically affectionate with PC and that I would sometimes cringe or shiver inwardly when he would touch and hug and kiss me. I found myself becoming ever more short-tempered with small, stupid things. The fact that PC has turned the cup-holders in my car into his personal garbage/pen/change depository, making it nearly impossible for me to put cups into them. The fact that when he cleans he will pick up almost everything in the house, but he won't touch the dishes. In my (admittedly slovenly) world, the dishes are the really important thing - since you know, they rot. I know that these things are nit-picky and they are really just the tip of the iceberg with me - but it's what's behind my short-temper that triggered all of this. It started adding up. And then, The Dream.
Then, The Sister calls and she's seeing a new guy who is "perfect" and "amazing" and she's head-over-heels. And I'm happy for her, but more than that, I'm envious. I start thinking that I could meet someone who would be better for me. I could meet someone that wasn't so much work.
Hate me please, for what I'm saying. I hate myself.
I still don't realize, at that point, how much it's all bothering me. I think it's just a low mood point, because those aren't abnormal for me. And then I talk to SJP the other night. And she asks me when the hell I'm coming to LA to visit. And I realize that that is the only thing in the entire world that I truly want right now. To go to LA. To see my people. And I start looking at flights for Memorial Day weekend and I find one and I realize: I don't want PC to go with me. And it's not just because I don't have the funds to pay for his plane ticket too - it's because I want some time to myself, some time with my friends and The Sister and I want that time without PC.
After this realization, it's all a snowball. I talk to Red about how things are and she says to me, "You haven't been happy for a while now" and I know that she's right. I think very hard about calling my best friend from high school, because she was in a long-term, marriage-destined relationship with a really great guy and she just couldn't go through with it and I start wanting to pick her brain about how she dealt with leaving him. I start thinking about how much easier it would be if I was here alone. Or if I were to be alone on my next job. I start thinking about how all I've ever wanted in my whole life is to have a house and how I'm paying off almost half of a down payment in credit card debt because I've been supporting us both in one way or another for almost a year now.
And through all of this, I know how awful I am. I know that PC deserves so much more, and I've told him this before. I've said it over and over in fights and I said it again when I broke down on Friday and told him how I've been feeling. Red told me, quite correctly, that it wasn't fair to hold it in to the breaking point without letting PC know what was going on in my head. Even if it was risking causing him more heartache than I already have (which is saying something). Sometimes I really, truly believe that he deserves better and more. Sometimes I am convinced that there is someone out there that would really appreciate the emotional side of him that makes my skin crawl when I'm on edge. Sometimes I really think that we would both be happier if we were apart.
But he assures me differently. PC swears that he just hasn't "been being himself" and that he's not this needy, over-bearing person and that he doesn't want to continue that way. He swears that if I give him just a little longer, we will be happy again. And he may be right. And as Anonymous commented on my last post, I do owe it to him to give him that time and that chance.
I have 14 weeks left now on my renewed contract in Columbus. So that's what we have. 14 weeks to assess and adjust and see if it will all work out.
Lyrics of the Day
"I'm sorry if I made you want to cry. You should know, I never meant to hide, I just hate bringing you down." Joe Purdy Can't Get It Right Today
"I know, it seems like I should say oh, oh well, as long as this is love. It's not all that easy." Counting Crows Anna Begins [Live]
7 months ago