Friday, February 06, 2009


There are times when I think that it's all me. All of it. The good things, the bad things, the ambivalent things. How much of the ebbs and flows of my relationship are purely due to my hormonal fluctuations and the fact that I seem unable to either control or mask them?

I haven't written this week, well, because nothing has happened. And I'm not sure that anything will happen in the near future. The excitement and adjustment of the move are over and now we're (I'm) just coasting. Just waiting to see what will happen next, if anything at all. I've thought, more than once in the five weeks that we've been here, that maybe I should go back to chronicling everything like I did in the beginning of this blog. Maybe I should put every nook and cranny out there to exercise my writing muscles and to give you a more complete picture of what every day life is like between PC and I. But then I'm just not sure that I'm ready to expose that much truth - be it ugly or pretty in the end. But what else is actually going on?

The problem is, I'm back to where I usually have been (not counting those initial excitement/lust-fueled months that PC and I were dating), which is back to not knowing a goddamn thing. I don't know if I want to get married. I don't know if I'm really ready to be settled down. I don't know if I want to (or even could bear to) have kids. I don't know if everything that I have in my life right now is enough, or if it's everything that I want.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful (which I'm not) or selfish (which I most certainly am), but there are just so many "ifs" and "buts" in my head all the time. I wrote a friend this week that I still think about all the possibilities that would be involved with meeting another guy. But I also wrote that there are so many things about PC that I don't think I would find again. And isn't the grass always greener until you're on the other side of the fence?

Lyrics of the Day

"Then it started getting dark and I trudged back to where the car was parked, no closer to any kind of truth as I must assume was the case with you." Death Cab For Cutie Bixby Canyon Bridge