Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Treading Water

I haven't been updating all that much about what's going on with Mr. Green. That's because there's not a whole lot new going on with Mr. Green. It's just sort of, well, holding steady.

This past weekend, my wonderful girlfriends SJP and LAJ came to visit me. Once more, I was able to unleash the maximum dose of Girl Talk upon them. And once again, it was refreshing and a relief. But much of what I had to say was redundant. Things are where they are right now: I like Mr. Green, I like hanging out with Mr. Green, I am deathly afraid of being Mr. Green's (or anyone's) girlfriend. I know that doesn't seem fair, and maybe it does mean that I'm on the rebound a little bit. Because I'm just not there. And however "on" Mr. Green's taxi light is, I can't force myself to commit.

And it's not that Mr. Green is trying to force that. Actually, we don't really talk about that kind of thing at all. It is basically assumed that neither of us is seeing anyone else (because we spend what mutual free time there is with each other), but it's not something that has been discussed. He definitely hasn't said anything about the big, bad G-friend or B-friend words and I'm not going to encourage him to do so.

So, in the meantime, I'm going to do the research that I alluded to before I met Mr. Green and unwittingly got wrapped right back up in the world of romance. I'm going to be doing a lot of reading in the near future. I've decided to take it upon myself to take on as many of the published love / dating guides as I can stand and to report back to you on their varying levels of usefulness. I can already tell you, some of them are going to be completely useless. And some may be helpful... Only time (and I) will tell.

Lyrics of the Day

"You think she's an open book, but you don't know which page to turn to, do you?" Cake Open Book

Monday, May 25, 2009


Recently, my lovely and wonderful friend Blondie took it upon herself to pimp me out. She developed a relationship with a sweet and adorable dating blogger on Single-ish at and took the liberty of directing him to this modest space. Ryan seemed at least mildly entertained by my ceaseless ramblings and asked if I would be interested in guest blogging for him while he is in Europe next week. Always ready to prostitute myself for the enjoyment of others, I heartily agreed.

So, tomorrow and Thursday, you'll have the opportunity to read a little thing or two that I wrote for Single-ish. Please visit, and while you're there check out the regular posts and the archives. I know that I was mightily entertained and found a lot of food for thought in there.

The fun part of the assignment was that I was to ask questions of the readers and I'm eager for the answers. You all know how usually hopeless I am - maybe there's guidance out there for me yet...

Also, many thanks to Ryan for having me as a guest. It's been fun!

Lyrics of the Day

"I am a writer, writer of fictions. I am the heart that you call home. And I've written pages upon pages..." The Decemberists The Engine Driver

Monday, May 18, 2009

Open the Floodgates

The weekend before last, I went up to Tampa to see my childhood friends who live up there. They are sisters and bought a house together in the suburbs. In my earliest time here in Florida, they were a welcome oasis in a desert of people that I didn't know. I actually drove straight to their place after dropping PC at the airport when he left. It was a lifesaver to have familiar and loved people to turn to in my worst hours. Even though I hadn't seen Lee or Lo for over 6 years before I moved down here, they welcomed me like family and it has been amazing to regain the friendships.

So, that other weekend, I went up to their place. It was actually my birthday that weekend and I wanted to celebrate it with them. We had a fantastic birthday dinner that Saturday night and I had a ton of fun with them in general. But maybe the best thing (for my sanity) to come out of that weekend was the fact that I got to unload.

It seems to me that many women have a need to share way too much information with people about their love lives. I know I certainly do. After more than a year of living with someone who had very big ears and was terribly nosy, I stopped having "girl talks" with anyone. I was also so far removed from the people that I would usually share this information with that it made it difficult to do so. The only person that I talk to constantly is The Sister, and she won't listen to my TMI talk. She says it's gross, because I'm her sister and she doesn't want to know that stuff. Yet, she tells me all the gory details of her love life. She says it's different, because I don't have a problem hearing it about her.

I had been saving up years worth of details about PC, about previous relationships and about new and interesting developments with Mr. Green. Lee and Lo listened to me for hours. It was cathartic. I hadn't actually realized how long it had been since I'd been able to talk like that until I was in the midst of it and feeling the beginnings of immense relief.

Lyrics of the Day

"And everybody knows the way I walk, and knows the way I talk and knows the way I feel about you." Ryan Adams Wish You Were Here

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


As much as I am doing to resist analyzing where things are going with Mr. Green, things do seem to be moving forward. Part of me still gets the urge to shift into panic-mode - the part of me that just can't bear the thought of being someone's girlfriend again. But that part of me shuts right up when I'm with Mr. Green; things remain remarkably easy when I'm around him. I'm still not sure that I want to go down the Relationship Road again so fast, but I'm not ruling it out completely.

Things have been progressing. There are little things that you get comfortable with, like holding hands. At first you don't know if you should or not, then you do just a little bit, then it becomes natural when you're walking together. (I am still completely entranced by his hands. They're just big and strong and his knuckles are all scarred. It kills me.) Because of the distance between our places, sleepovers have become assumed. The more I sleep in the same bed with Mr. Green, the less I'm excited about sleeping alone. There's just something that works about sleeping with him. There has been speculation on whether or not I'm seeking out the physical affection just for the sake of it and those are very valid thoughts. But it just doesn't feel that way to me. I wasn't feeling empty or alone or like I was dying to be touched before I started dating Mr. Green. This really all feels like it just happened.

In the public world, Mr. Green and I have been completely busted on our relationship with the kickball crowd.

"But wait - are there some other [Team Name Redacted] who are getting friendly off the field? Looks like [LB] and [Mr. Green] have been spotted leaving Icabod's together... ??? Both were single & looking, neither seems to be anymore... also rumored to have showed up at a party together over the past weekend!"

This is what graced the gossip page of the league newsletter the week of our last regular-season game. Of course they couldn't have stopped there: I scrolled down to find a picture with multiple members of my team in it (that just happened to have Mr. Green and I standing next to each other); the masterminds behind the newsletter photoshopped a heart around our heads and the caption: "[Mr. Green] and [LB]: confirm or deny?!?"

Lyrics of the Day

"I was just bony hands, as cold as a winter pole. You held a warm stone out, new flowing blood to hold. Oh what a contrast you were to the brutes in the halls." The Shins Pink Bullets

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Not So Scary

I have been thinking lately that change can be a really beautiful thing.

In the past weeks, since I've gotten more used to my recovered Single Status, I have been making more changes than just adapting to the loss of a boyfriend and a roommate.

Did I ever mention that somewhere in the past 9 months, I had started smoking a little bit again? I probably didn't. Because I was horribly ashamed of it. It was something that I hid from everyone I could: none of my coworkers ever knew it - here or in Baltimore. I would only smoke at home, on my porch, and not out in public. I tried my very best to keep it to 2 or 3 cigarettes a day at the most, but that wasn't an excuse for such a backslide. I had quit for over 3 years, after smoking for more than 10, and quitting before had been the hardest thing I'd ever done. Yet, somehow, I allowed myself to start again. I made every excuse in the book, but it was really that: I let it happen.

Almost two weeks ago, I quit again. And it's been almost easy. Of course, the $2 hike in cigarette prices in FL definitely helped the motivation. I have also quit fast-food. And sodas. And wallowing in laziness and self-pity on my couch. I've been getting up early and working out, or running after work. I've been cooking myself healthy meals (although sometimes I only get around to a bowl of cereal - still not too bad) and laying off the snacks. I'm keeping my apartment actually clean - dusting and everything. I'm newly and strangely motivated to do all these good things for myself and I'm loving it.

Sure, dating someone new has something to do with this. But it's not everything. I'm doing it for myself and that's what feels best about it.

Lyrics of the Day

"I finally made it. I made a clean getaway." Maria Taylor Clean Getaway

Monday, May 04, 2009

No Clue

I'm not really sure what I'm getting myself into. I'm also not really sure whether I'm actually worried about that or not. I'd like to think that sometimes it's good not to worry or over analyze a situation; sometimes it's good just to go with something.

I've been spending quite a bit of time with Mr. Green. (Every time I type that, I have the urge to speculate whether he did it in the Ballroom with the Rope or in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe.) After last Saturday night and the draft party, I saw him again on Wednesday night. Then for kickball on Thursday. Then we spent Saturday at the beach and Saturday night at my house watching the Supercross Finals.

It's moving fast. I know it is. In the moments when I give myself a chance to think about it, I sometimes get a little panicky. Here I am, a girl that has always had a hard time committing, and I'm fresh out of a semi-disastrous relationship. Yet I'm running head-long into something with the very first guy I've dated. Am I crazy or what?

The heart of the matter is that I'm really enjoying the time I'm spending with Mr. Green (in the Library with the Revolver). He's really easy to be around, he's smart, he's ambitious and he's sweet. He hasn't done any of the game-playing crap that I had come to expect in the dating world after all those years in LA.

I don't want to worry about it. I don't want to spend time thinking that I'm rushing into something or that I'm on the rebound. I want to enjoy this without having to answer the questions (Like: Am I on the road to Boyfriend-ville? Do I even want to be?).

Lyrics of the Day

"Squeaky swings and tall grass, the longest shadows ever cast. The water's warm and children swim and we frolicked about in our summer skin. I don't recall a single care, just greenery and humid air." Death Cab for Cutie Summer Skin