Friday, February 06, 2009


There are times when I think that it's all me. All of it. The good things, the bad things, the ambivalent things. How much of the ebbs and flows of my relationship are purely due to my hormonal fluctuations and the fact that I seem unable to either control or mask them?

I haven't written this week, well, because nothing has happened. And I'm not sure that anything will happen in the near future. The excitement and adjustment of the move are over and now we're (I'm) just coasting. Just waiting to see what will happen next, if anything at all. I've thought, more than once in the five weeks that we've been here, that maybe I should go back to chronicling everything like I did in the beginning of this blog. Maybe I should put every nook and cranny out there to exercise my writing muscles and to give you a more complete picture of what every day life is like between PC and I. But then I'm just not sure that I'm ready to expose that much truth - be it ugly or pretty in the end. But what else is actually going on?

The problem is, I'm back to where I usually have been (not counting those initial excitement/lust-fueled months that PC and I were dating), which is back to not knowing a goddamn thing. I don't know if I want to get married. I don't know if I'm really ready to be settled down. I don't know if I want to (or even could bear to) have kids. I don't know if everything that I have in my life right now is enough, or if it's everything that I want.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful (which I'm not) or selfish (which I most certainly am), but there are just so many "ifs" and "buts" in my head all the time. I wrote a friend this week that I still think about all the possibilities that would be involved with meeting another guy. But I also wrote that there are so many things about PC that I don't think I would find again. And isn't the grass always greener until you're on the other side of the fence?

Lyrics of the Day

"Then it started getting dark and I trudged back to where the car was parked, no closer to any kind of truth as I must assume was the case with you." Death Cab For Cutie Bixby Canyon Bridge


Anonymous said...

"And isn't the grass always greener until you're on the other side of the fence?"

You've been on both sides of the fence now so you should know which side you prefer. "I don't know" is not an answer.

Anonymous said...

If you don't know if you are ready to settle down or not, then you're not. If you aren't sure you want kids, then don't have them. I don't have children either and although a little part of me feels like maybe I missed out on something", spending a few hours around people who have kids, epsecially babies usually cures me. I think I'm just to selfish. I'm tired after working all day - last thing I'd want to think about is changing diapers, being up til 4am with a sick child, or running them to soccer practice after work.

People who really want kids seem to have it programmed into their mind and they just know they really want to do those things. Not sure usually means don't do it.

As for getting married, I think you are definitely not ready because when you are really ready you will not have all these doubts. Yes it is a big step and its' normally to think about it, but you seem confused and alot has happened to you this past year. Marriage won't fix any relationship. It's not a cure for what is wrong - neither is having kids, although so many people do that to "save" their relationship.

My unfortunate conclusion is that even if PC was the man of your dreams that you are completely not ready for him at this time in your life. Timing is everything. I think if you left him go, you may regret it later in life, but I also think trying to hold on to him right now when you seem so constantly unsure and not ready, you might just destroy whatever you have.

You have some decisions to make, but not everything is in your control. You can't help not being ready... I'd love to see things with you and PC work out. I hope they do because I was in a similiar situation in my mid 20's and I had to let the guy go becauise I was not ready - now I am approaching 37 and the guys I am meeting are just horrible. I still think about the wonderful guy I was engaged to 10 years ago sometimes and wonder what might have been, but the truth is I probably would be divorced right now if I had married him then - I just was not ready.

Good luck girl

Anonymous said...

Marriage and kids will come from a happy healthy home life and relationship with your S/O. The need will be there, you won't have to search for it.

Good Luck.