Much of my (possibly now-former) commitment-phobia has been due to the petrifying fear of having my heart ripped out for the umpteenth time. Because even now some of that commitment-phobia still lingers, I had vowed that I would not be the first person to say "I love you." I know that's mostly childish, but saying those three little words is a risk of such magnitude that many people wait as long as they can to take that risk or they never risk it at all. My mind keeps returning to the episode of Grey's Anatomy (and say what you like, I love a good nighttime soapy drama - especially when there are hot doctors involved) where Callie has told George that she loves him and he blows her off for nearly an entire episode before telling her that he'll say it when he means it. That kind of scenario gives me nightmares. I've said it once before and not had it said back to me and it's not a good feeling.
But here's the thing: I really want to say it. I'm going to break down and tell you that I'm finally admitting to the fact that I am totally, head-over-heels in love with Prince Charming. And I don't think that it's in that damn-you're-so-attractive-and-you-like-me-back-I-can't-believe-it sort of way. That's the way that I was with the Speed Freak and I thought that was love at the time, but I know now that it wasn't. But this feels real. It feels monumental, but so easy all at the same time. It feels right. And almost every time we've talked recently I've wanted to say it; I've felt it on my lips and the edges of my teeth and the tip of my tongue. But at the same time I can't say it. I'm still scared in some underlying way; I'm still waiting for the bubble to burst and for the dream to end. I also don't want to say it over the phone. Anonymous was right in his/her comment on my last post: I do want to look PC in the eyes if and when I do tell him how I feel. Because although this is so scary and so new - I think that he feels the same way. And I know that we haven't been together that long, we haven't even known each other that long, but this feels like something real and something that can grow and deepen and just get better and better with time.
Lyrics of the Day
"What's the problem I don't know, well, maybe I'm in love. Think about it every time I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it. How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love." Counting Crows Accidentally in Love
6 months ago