Saturday, March 24, 2007

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

I should have expected it, because it happened just about this time of year last year. Last year I ignored it, because I was still a bit bitter and pissed off and I was still living in LA indefinitely and I didn't want to risk establishing a connection that I wouldn't be able to get rid of. This year, I thought that there couldn't be any harm in responding, because I've let go of most of that anger and I'm leaving, so in some ways I have nothing to lose.

But my subconscious seems to think that I'm wrong.

Last weekend, I got a message from the Speed Freak via an old social networking site called Friendster. Friendster was a predecessor of MySpace but didn't take off in the same way. I've never gotten around to closing my Friendster account, but I never check it or update it anymore. Somehow, I do still get email updates when someone sends me a message on the site and last Monday I logged onto my email to find a message saying that the SF wrote me on the site. He wrote that he's through living in Chicago (where he moved to go to college while we were dating - the last 6 months of our relationship was long-distance) and that he wanted to get in touch with me. As I said above, I really felt like I had nothing to lose, so I wrote him back a brief, non-committal note letting him know that I'm leaving and asking if he was moving back. I honestly believed that I didn't care whether or not he responded or if he wanted to try to meet up or whatnot.

Two nights later I dreamed that he hunted me down (of course the dream location was outlandish and unrelated to real life, but that's beside the point) and was pleading for another chance while wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed his undying love for me. I spent the duration of the dream running and hiding and being completely mortified that I had ever been involved with him at all.

The sad truth is that is exactly how I feel. The power of infatuation and attraction and the attention that he gave me (at a time when my self-esteem wasn't precisely at the top of its game) drew me into a horrifically dramatic and painful relationship. So I guess that my subconscious can admit what I was sort of trying to avoid: that I still want nothing to do with him.

Lyrics of the Day

"You thought somehow you could just pretend, that you could figure it all out; the mathematics of regret. So it takes two beers to remember now, and five to forget." Ani DiFranco So What

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