Friday, February 16, 2007

My Married Boyfriend

Did I get my Valentine's Day wish?


I was called in to work at 1:30 am. So much for the belief that Cupid could be on my side. But it's Friday and I have a weekend off in front of me and a Game Night tonight with some wonderful girls, so I'm long past needing to complain about it too much.

Waaaaayyy back in September or so, I met a guy during football at Barney's. I could have sworn that I wrote a post referring to him, but I just can't seem to find it, and I've been looking for about the last 30 minutes, so maybe I only thought that I wrote it. Anyway...

We were in our customary Redskins corner and I met this extremely good-looking guy who was also a Redskins fan. (The customary greeting when meeting other Redskins fans is to ask whether they're from Maryland or Virginia, which is then followed by the long-ish story of how I, being from Montana, came to be a 'Skins fan.) He was intelligent, tall, sweet, funny and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me and hanging out with me. I even talked him into joining my crew and I as we journeyed over to Big Wangs for the Broncos game that day. It wasn't until we had been at Wangs for a while that The Sister happened to point out the Very Important thing I had been missing all day long:

The Wedding Ring

Being that I feel far too young to be married, and people tend to be single until they're much older in urban environments than in small towns I've never been one to look for the ring. I just assume that everyone else is single like I am and go about my merry way. Since this day, since I met this guy, I have begun to reform my ignorant ways - but that's not the point of this story.

After getting over my initial annoyance and disappointment, I let it go. That afternoon I think I ran off to flirt with The Kid (way back in the days when we were still playing cat and mouse with each other) and put the cute married guy out of my head. But the next week at Barney's, there he was - sweet and funny and just as happy to see me as he had been happy to hang out with me the week before. I started to realize that what I thought was flirting had really been a genuine interest in me as a person and a genuinely friendly nature which can be really hard to find.

I started to realize that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

We hung out every week, me with my Bailey's and him with his pints of Guinness. On many an occasion, he would stay and hang out for the Broncos game or accompany me to Wangs to watch it with my Broncos friends. I don't want you to get the wrong idea though - there were never any bad intentions on either part and never once was there any kind of romantic advance from either of us. At some point we exchanged phone numbers with the intention of one day getting some people together (including his wife) to go out for drinks sometime.

Over Christmas he was in DC for the last couple of 'Skins games and during those games we began text messaging each other at particularly good and particularly bad moments. I realized that I missed watching the games with him and hoped that we could watch the post-season at Barney's after the New Year.


It was at this point that I realized that I was sort of in love with him. Even The Sister had to admit that he's pretty much the perfect guy for me - well, you know, except for that whole being-married thing. While realizing that this was a love that could never be expressed, could never come to fruition, it was good for me to at least admit that the feelings were hiding in there. The hardest moment for me came just after the New Year, when he called me to talk about the playoffs and to say that he was going to be out of town the whole time. I expressed my distress over this and said that we would have to find a way to get together as soon as he was back, because I was going to be leaving LA before summer. He said, "Wait, you're moving?" and I confirmed this. He then said, "But, you're cool," in the most heartbreakingly crestfallen voice imaginable. It melted my heart.

This friendship has continued to develop, though mostly over the phone as of late. The thing is, he lives in a completely different town that is about an hour away. He just comes down to LA to go to Barney's because he doesn't think any other sports bar can compare (and I'm not arguing with him there). I've begun referring to him as My Married Boyfriend, because it's a relationship that's really unlike any other that I've had before. It's hard to explain, but there's nothing improper about it at all. We just really connect.

The only thing that worries me is that I haven't met his wife yet. I feel like I could let go of any underlying guilt if I could just meet her and befriend her too - to really prove that, in the end, my intentions are noble. And they are. MMB is really the kind of person who is so worth having in my life that I will take him any way I can get him. Though if he wasn't married, I'm fairly convinced that we would have ended up together. These things happen though: you meet someone with whom you share a connection and that connection has no regard for the barriers or limitations that shape it.

The good thing about all of this is that I know if there's one guy out there like this, there must be more. Somewhere, hiding inside of all those little dots on the roadmap, there are men just waiting to meet someone like me. Men who aren't married or irreparably damaged or actors. And very soon, I'll be on my way to find them...

Lyrics of the Day

"You'll never know, dear just how much I loved you; you'll probably think this was just my big excuse, but I stand committed to a love that came before you and the fact that I adore you is but one of my truths." Ani DiFranco School Night


Anonymous said...

If you feel he may have those feelings as well, even a little bit then shame on you. Why dangle yourself out there? You'll take him however you can get him? You may eat those words.

LB said...

I think you mistake what I was trying to say here - I'm not dangling myself out there in any way. This is truly a friendship and nothing more. It's just that had we met under different circumstances in a different time things might have been different.

Anonymous said...

I think it's a little odd for a married man to be driving to bars an hour away to watch sports -not only without his wife, but with other women -especially when those other women are a little interested in him. The fact that he is texting and calling you... I don't know. Men are RARELY truly interested in "just being friends". He obviously doesn't share too much in common with his wife if he needs to befriend women in bars.

It's a dangerous game. You have feelings for him and he seems like he has them for you. you can say you just want to be friends all you want, but you also admitted to being a little 'in love' with him. I don't blame you. He is the one who is married and I really believe that he should be spending the time and energy on his wife instead of making new female friends. Like you already acknowleged, it would be easier if you had met them both and then all of you were friends... but that is not the case and it doesn't seem like he's in a hurry to introduce you and her either.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was doing what this guy is doing. Maybe technically nothing wrong has been done, but I doubt many wives like their husband going out making new and close female friends (that ARE interested in him romantically were it not for the wedding ring) after they are married and that they haven't met.Does she even know about you?

Like I said, I don't blame you. I blame him. It's just not right. I would never deny my husband the right to remain friends with women he knew before I was married to him, although I would expect to meet them all and I would also expect him to offer me inclusion in any activities that he might want to engage in with those female friends. A married guy hanging around in bars befriending females seems like a guy that wasn't ready to be amrried.

LB said...

You're right. And I think I'm slightly defensive about it because of all that you say here. I've never been a fan of the idea that male-female friendships don't work b/c of sexual tension, etc - but that idea's not completely bullshit either.

You may have hit the nail on the head with that last bit though - he did get married straight out of college and told me that he was very shy before he met his wife. It may be difficult for him now to be in a population of young, single, attractive people having never explored that much of the dating world himself.

It's mostly a moot point now anyway - I'm getting the heck out of here and then any temptation on either side will be gone.

Ranx said...

Just reading your back log, and recognise I am the "Married Boyfriend" in one of my friendships. It's been hard to deal with but by "it" I only mean other people's opinions. I decided early to ignore other people's pressure and innuendo and enjoy the friendship. She has very little in common with my wife, so hangin' out together can be hard work for all of us, but then again, i have many male friends that are the same. As an added bonus, i'm now much more comfortable with m/f platonic friendships than I used to be. Unlike some commenters, I choose not to exclude slightly over half the human population from my social circle (or is it alright if they are married to someone and i can pretend to hang out with him) it's not like i meet that many people i actually like :-^).

Just my two cents worth. good luck with the move.

Anonymous said...


I don't know if you'll ever get this comment since its been awhile since this post.

My view is from the wife's end. My husband started a friendship with another woman awhile back. To make a long story short, it turned into text messages, calls and was all done on the sly. Then he started meeting her for drinks. I still haven't gotten a straight answer to my questions.

I found a text from her after I kept getting these wierd vibes from him. And seeing those texts was just devastating. I hurt like I've never hurt before. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried alot. I now get anxiety attacks. (It happened this summer.) For awhile when I'd see his phone, I'd feel like I was going to throw up.

I'm sure this woman's intentions at first were noble. My husband is very charming. And he has an ego. So I'm sure he was able to dazzle her and then when was charmed when she took the bait.

Trust me, if he's married and he's texting you and calling you, he's not perfect for you. Especially if you've known him awhile and he still hasn't introduced you to his wife. In that case, he wants to keep your friendship on the sly. He's sneaking around behind his wife's back. (And when men do stuff on the sly, they put out a wierd vibe and wives can pick up on it. And it can hang over a woman's head. Trust me.)

I don't know why he got married. He clearly isn't mature enough to be married. (See another reason why he's def not perfect for you.)

You are very smart to get out of that and avoid the temptation. I have a few friends now that are divorced or are in the process because their husbands started little friendships that turned into something...

I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. So I hope you find a perfect guy for you. And I hope this guy hasn't moved on to other "friendships".