Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Only the Lonely

Something is wrong with me.

All of the sudden, I don't feel so much like myself anymore.

I don't know when this all started, but I started noticing it on last Thursday, as I read a bunch of amazing poems written by other bloggers out there in the blogosphere. At first, it was just a tingle in the back of my brain. Then it became something more concrete, but still something that I felt would pass. But yesterday I took the day off of work and during the hours that I spent on my couch, recovering from Super Bowl Sunday and catching up on my TV shows, this feeling became pervasive. I'm not even sure I can bring myself to say it out loud. But admission of a problem is the first step to solving it, right?

I want to fall in love.

Holy crap. That sounds even worse now that I've written it than I thought it would.

I'm trying to figure out how to say what it is that I'm really feeling here, because the words all seem so inadequate or ill-fitted for what's going on in my head and in my heart. It's a little like loneliness, but not really, because I'm not actually lonely. I'm realizing that it's been nearly 2 years since my last relationship, since I even had the possibility of love, and that's a pretty depressing thought.

In the past five and a half (good lord that sounds like such a freaking long time) years that I've spent living in Los Angeles, I've only felt a real spark 3 times. The fact that all of those times worked out very poorly for me causes me to wonder: is my radar completely off? Am I, in fact, only capable of feeling the spark with guys that are completely wrong for me and/or could never truly be in a relationship with me?

Is it a better sign, or a worse one that each progressive relationship has gotten shorter and shorter?

There was the Speed Freak, who lasted just over a year (although that doesn't count the stupid number of times that we broke up and got back together). There was The Ex, who lasted less than three months, but whose ghost still haunts the back of my mind nearly two years later. Finally, there was Irish, who you all know about from the sad events that I chronicled here. He lasted 3 days, I think.

All this pining and wanting and almost-but-not-quite-and-I-certainly-won't-admit-to-it loneliness seem a moot point too. Because I know deep down in my little heart of hearts that there is no Prince Charming waiting for me in the City of Angels. There just isn't. And it's not that part that bothers me. It's just the waiting - the limbo.

All of this, and this whole thing with The Kid is starting to wear on me. But that's a longer discussion for a different day. Or later tonight, depending on how my afternoon / evening go...

Lyrics of the Day

"When I was young, I never needed anyone and making love was just for fun. Those days are gone." Eric Carmen All By Myself

6 comments:

phat tony said...

Okay. Totally and completely randomly came across your blog... well, "randomly" being from TrailerSpy... ANYWAY, I'm absolutely feeling where you're coming from... and I'm a guy... across the country in NYC... regardless, I'm hoping it's just a plight of the upwardly mobile 20-something who always thinks there's something better out there, but sort of always thinks of what could have been with those in our respective pasts. I mean... it sucks.

Wow... That was depressing. My bad. Have a nice day!

dan said...

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been looking for someone online? It's unique that someone would attempt to document all of it for everyone to see. Why do you do it?

Anonymous said...

Whether there is someone out there for you or not, I don't know. And it's hard to wait. Be strong. You'll take it as it comes and deal with it. If it's not for you, something else is. And you'll find it.

Eve said...

You might be feeling the pressure of the season, you know. Everyone feels like this if they are single between the holidays in December and V-day. Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

LA sucks. Leave and you will find all the normal people who stay away from that cracked out loserville.

LB said...

Eve - I had never even thought about it as a holiday related issue, if you can believe it! V-day is never really that traumatic for me, though maybe subliminally it's eating at the back of my brain.

Dan - I don't mind at all. This little endeavor has been in the works since April '06, but I've done internet dating on and off since 2003. I document it, well, because I always liked the idea of a journal / diary thing, but having an audience keeps me writing. It's half love-life exploration, half writing-exercise, half emotional exorcism. Is that too many halves?

Tony - I think you're right about it being the plight of many 20-somethings - especially in urban areas. People just aren't relationship or family minded enough to feel that they can't just move on to the next if they feel like it. It does suck - but it's up to us to try to conquer it, or move.