Something is wrong with me.
All of the sudden, I don't feel so much like myself anymore.
I don't know when this all started, but I started noticing it on last Thursday, as I read a bunch of amazing poems written by other bloggers out there in the blogosphere. At first, it was just a tingle in the back of my brain. Then it became something more concrete, but still something that I felt would pass. But yesterday I took the day off of work and during the hours that I spent on my couch, recovering from Super Bowl Sunday and catching up on my TV shows, this feeling became pervasive. I'm not even sure I can bring myself to say it out loud. But admission of a problem is the first step to solving it, right?
I want to fall in love.
Holy crap. That sounds even worse now that I've written it than I thought it would.
I'm trying to figure out how to say what it is that I'm really feeling here, because the words all seem so inadequate or ill-fitted for what's going on in my head and in my heart. It's a little like loneliness, but not really, because I'm not actually lonely. I'm realizing that it's been nearly 2 years since my last relationship, since I even had the possibility of love, and that's a pretty depressing thought.
In the past five and a half (good lord that sounds like such a freaking long time) years that I've spent living in Los Angeles, I've only felt a real spark 3 times. The fact that all of those times worked out very poorly for me causes me to wonder: is my radar completely off? Am I, in fact, only capable of feeling the spark with guys that are completely wrong for me and/or could never truly be in a relationship with me?
Is it a better sign, or a worse one that each progressive relationship has gotten shorter and shorter?
There was the Speed Freak, who lasted just over a year (although that doesn't count the stupid number of times that we broke up and got back together). There was The Ex, who lasted less than three months, but whose ghost still haunts the back of my mind nearly two years later. Finally, there was Irish, who you all know about from the sad events that I chronicled here. He lasted 3 days, I think.
All this pining and wanting and almost-but-not-quite-and-I-certainly-won't-admit-to-it loneliness seem a moot point too. Because I know deep down in my little heart of hearts that there is no Prince Charming waiting for me in the City of Angels. There just isn't. And it's not that part that bothers me. It's just the waiting - the limbo.
All of this, and this whole thing with The Kid is starting to wear on me. But that's a longer discussion for a different day. Or later tonight, depending on how my afternoon / evening go...
Lyrics of the Day
"When I was young, I never needed anyone and making love was just for fun. Those days are gone." Eric Carmen All By Myself
6 months ago