Friday, February 09, 2007


Throughout my romantic life, there have been times where I've suddenly started reacting differently to the guy that I've been seeing. This is hard to explain. When it happens it feels like everything was normal, but all of the sudden I start to feel unsteady and insecure and thrown off kilter. At first, I don't know what's going on, and the people around me think I'm being a chick and being irrational and starting to get clingy and co-dependent. But these things are not in my nature - I would never normally behave this way.

Over time, I've begun to realize that I'm extremely sensitive to the actions and behaviors of others. It's not that I suddenly begin acting differently toward my significant other (or the guy I'm dating or sleeping with, or whatever), it's that they've begun acting differently toward me.

Sometimes this shift would be completely imperceptible to someone else or to anyone outside of the situation. Sometimes this shift is highly noticeable and it's a no-brainer. Either way, something changes and it usually signals the beginning of the end.

With the Speed Freak, it was pretty much there from about the end of Month One until the end of the relationship, though it ebbed and surged at different times throughout the relationship. With The Ex, I remember the exact moment that I noticed that something was wrong, though it took me weeks to realize what it all really meant. With Irish, it was the way he talked to me on the phone the day before our first (and only) date.

With The Kid, it sorta started with that seductive, yet slightly romantic text message last week. It began to solidify with the scheduling snafu that occurred on Saturday night (though I take some of the blame for that since it was the first time I actually tried to plan seeing him in advance). And of course, the kicker was the unanswered text message response that I sent him on Monday afternoon.

I consulted The Sister about it, before I fully realized that he was blowing me off. I was bitching about the Saturday scheduling and the fact that he didn't reply to my Monday text. She said, "You know, I think you're starting to treat him like he's your boyfriend or like he owes you something, but he doesn't." I thought, at the time, that maybe she had a point. Maybe I was adjusting in the wrong direction to the relationship and I needed to force myself to chill back out. But it was when I texted him "You busy tonight?" on Wednesday and never received a response that I realized I had been reacting to a subtle shift in his behavior. If he had remained chill and casual about the whole thing, while still maintaining the level of interaction that we had glided into, I would've remained calm as well. You see, this is the first time he's ever not responded to a text from me.

Now here's my disclaimer: I am not heartbroken about this. I did not get emotionally involved in this situation. If it is truly and completely over (and I'm fairly sure that it is), that's fine. But I really do feel a certain amount of indignation. Remember those rules that I was talking about a few posts ago? As Constant Dater states them, they apply only before you've slept with someone. If I had been the one to end the arrangement, I would have done so verbally. And you know that I'm telling the truth, because that's how I've dealt with every dating relationship that I've chronicled in this forum.

So here I am, again, begging for your advice. Don't I deserve a concrete answer? Can I text him or call him one more time, just to have the closure that I need? Because emotional involvement or no, I cannot stand being left in suspense.

Lyrics of the Day

"I've been sitting up waiting for my sugar to show; I've been listening to the sirens and the radio. He said he'd be over three hours ago, I've been waiting for his car on the hill." Joni Mitchell Car on a Hill


Anonymous said...

it will no doubt be hard, but the best thing to do is just let it be. don't call, don't text. all answers and resolution will come in time, and you will exit this more elegantly than he.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he found someone he liked better as a "buddy" or an actual girlfriend and is too embarrassed to tell you. I find that guys often avoid situations that they fear will become overly emotional. guys also have big egos so its probably a forgone conclusion in his mind that you will be devastated he is "leaving you" and break down in tears, etc. Guys hate this and avoid it whenever possible. Since you guys were not actually boyfriend/girlfriend, he probably doesn't feel he owes you a formal "breakup".

At the very least, it does seem that he is blowing you off and forcing him to have "one more conversation" when he is clearly avoiding you will likely produce more mutual awkward discomfort than any closure. I think if you call him it will be more to satisfy your curiousity about where he went than closure anyway... but do you really want to know? I'd be curious too, but the answer is probably going to just be that he found someone else to hang, etc. with.

The other possibility is that he was feeling yuo out for romance with his text message last week and when he didn't get the reaction he wanted he felt rejected and is hiding in a corner nursing his wounds? I don't really know except that it is odd he sent you a "romantic vibe" text then disappeared.That makes no sense unless maybe the text was sent to you by mistake instead of some new girl and now he's embarrassed (though most guys would respond and try to cover a goof like that up especially if its not 'obvious').

He could also just be very busy, injured in the hospital somewhere, or family emergency. Other than that he is just playing games with you.

If you REALLY care, you could see what happened to him, but you keep stating that you really don't care so why even bother. Regardless of why he is blowing you off, he will call you when he wants to, which might be never. I'd say after two "non-responses", you should just leave the ball in his court and walkaway. It's up to him to call you if he wants to explain his disappearance... but it seems pretty obvious that he is playing games or found someone else.

Anonymous said...

Also wanted to add... In college I had a number of guy friends that I loved hanging out with in a purely pleutonic sense. Of course our days of hanging out were always numbered when they found a potential girlfriend to chase after. Although I wasn't heartbroken in a romantic sense, I still found it a little 'ding' to my female ego or whatever you might call it that they prefered another girl's company over mine. Not really romantic jealousy but there was something nice about having their attention and I didn't enjoy losing it to their new girlfriends. Sorta like a mini-break up as they would often disappear for months. Let sleeping dogs lie...

LB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LB said...

You're both right - and thank you for the wise words.

I knew deep down that I was just going to have to let it be, but I'm annoyed just the same. It's a bit of an ego thing for me too - like, "How could he not want to have sex with me anymore? I'm hot!" But these things happen.

And Anon #2 - I did think about the fact that he was possibly feeling me out romantically (there was no chance that text was a mistake) and that he got pissed and realized that he couldn't do the casual sex anymore, but I don't think it's of any advantage to me to think that way. It would make me feel bad, then think maybe I should have given him a chance romantically, when that never would have worked out anyway.

Yeah, I'm closing the book - I'm pretty sure I should just go ahead and delete his number while I'm at it (that's my favorite way to signify closure on any sort of relationship / friendship / employment situation gone south).