Thursday, February 01, 2007

Coming Clean

What do you do when the person that you are sleeping with sends you a provocative, yet slightly romantic text message?

I know that I've been doing the Boot Scootin' Boogie around the issue of my relationship with The Kid, and I haven't been doing it accidentally. There are two main reasons for this: One is that I'm slightly ashamed of the fact that I'm involved with him at all, being that he's both an actor and younger than I am, a fact that I've harped on more than once in this forum. The second is that, intentionally or unintentionally, somewhere along the way I decided that I was going to try to keep this blog more in the PG rating of things. But as of late I've realized that I'm not writing the blog that I want to be writing. It's not that I haven't loved writing everything that I've written here - it's just that I've been holding back a lot, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it anymore.

There are details that I just want to share - because, well as I said, I'm a fan of TMI. I like saying the things that not everyone else would say, discussing topics that some people may find less than savory. So I guess this is a bit of a disclaimer: things are about to get just a little more revealing around here and there may be a Bad Word thrown in here and there and that's just how it's going to be.

A girl can only be good for so long.

Which brings me back to the initial question: should I or should I not be worried that The Kid sent me a text today referencing the beauty of my hair?

Many people don't necessarily approve of the idea of casual sex. Many people can't compartmentalize enough to believe that it's possible to have an honest and healthy sexual relationship without any real feelings involved. I am not one of those people. For as long as I can remember (or at least since I discovered my very healthy libido - though that was fairly late in my life, developmentally speaking), I've wanted a Buddy of this sort. I have always been fairly sure of my ability to handle this type of relationship and especially longed for one in the long days in between boyfriends when I had no form of relief outside of myself. But it had always eluded me until now.

When The Kid and I first hooked up, way back at that ugly Christmas sweater party, a brief conversation was had concerning the nature of our interaction. It was understood that neither of us was looking to turn this into an actual Relationship, but that we were both up for "hanging out" on a semi-regular basis. In practice, this has been working very well. But every once in a while, I get paranoid and girly-over-analytical and I start worrying that he's got feelings for me. I'm not saying that it would be the most horrifying thing in the world or that I don't care about him at all, because I do. We were friends first and he's a sweet guy and I do enjoy the time I spend hanging out with him (even when we're not actually having sex). It's just that I'm extremely happy with the way things are right now and part of me is scared to death that something is going to screw it up and I'm going to have another Mojave Desert sized dry spell like the one that The Kid just helped end.

Everyone I've talked to (though that's not a ton of people), including my therapist (Did I ever mention that I see one of those? I don't think that I did, but I do, albeit rather occasionally right now since I've felt so good for so long.) thinks that the relationship with The Kid is actually a good thing for me and that I need to resist the urge to over-analyze or over-worry it. They're right, I know this. I know that, in reality, I never have to address whether or not The Kid develops feelings for me unless he actually comes out and says something to me. But there's still that little bit of me that keeps the fear alive in the very very back of my brain.


I really feel a lot better. I had been sort of dying to get that all out there. I'm not one that's ever been any good at holding back and I was pretty close to exploding with the "secret" of what was going on this whole time. Sometimes I just want to share, I want to spill everything or somethings or even one thing and I haven't been allowing myself to.

Lyrics of the Day

"Your gun went off. Well you shot off your mouth and look where it got you. My mouth runs on too. " Modest Mouse The View


Anonymous said...

You shouldn't start out your newfound honesty with an apology or explanation for your actions. We get it.

Julie said...

Maybe you like the idea of him harboring feelings for you. Everybody likes to be wanted. Just a thought...

Milwaukee Girl said...

Your Kid is like my RS, to which I've recently decided screwing and no relationship is the best option - but that's coming from someone in Milwaukee where it's snowing and negative degrees out and just needs some good old fashioned warming up for a couple hours a night once or twice a week ...

LB said...

Julie -

Not that I really want to admit it, but you may be right. Possibly a combination of that and the fact that I really don't want this arrangement to get screwed up. Neediness + Paranoia = A Big Old Mess. I'm going to try to avoid this...