Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Ugly Update

I'm not sure that now is the time to write, but I feel the need to reach out and it's getting to a point where it's now or never.

I disappeared because my grandfather died. My grandfather was an amazing man and the ever-present and dearly-loved patriarch of my family. He was 87 years old and we never really believed that anything could beat him, but nature eventually did. This was a much harder thing for me to digest than I really ever wanted to admit that it would be. Even now I'm crying. It's just not something that I will ever be ready for, even though it's over and done. My dad is also sick. He's been tentatively diagnosed with a disease that is progressive and eventually fatal. Only 50% of people diagnosed with this disease survive 3 years after diagnosis. My dad has always been invincible to me (to everyone else and himself as well) and this is something that I still can't truly digest most days. I've been with him recently and I've seen the changes and I know that it's true - but I still can't believe it.

The worst thing is that in the middle of all of this my relationship, and the smoldering rubble that is has become, has been more of a focus of my waking thoughts than my family. That mere fact makes me so angry and has spurred more than one long, middle-of-the-night fight. The money troubles never cleared up. PC tried, sort of, and the money trickled in. Of course, while it was trickling in, I was still paying for the groceries and the nights out and the cell phone bill (not to mention that the rent is part of my compensation). There were things that PC could have done to change the situation that he was in (or that we were in), but he didn't (wouldn't). Instead of addressing the problems and improving the situation, he clung to me. He suffocated me. He depended completely on me.

There were times that it seemed like things were looking up, or like it was going to be okay, but I think that I was just ignoring my own feelings and ignoring the problems as much as PC was. But it gets exhausting to be so miserable all of the time. Last time I posted, I was trying to blame some of it on my job. And some of it was that - but more of it was him. I should have gotten the warning signs earlier when I would leave work feeling alright, but do a 180 after getting into the car with PC. Then, somewhere in the last two weeks, everything went to hell.

Part of me wants to write that I'm sure it was my fault, because I have been picking fights at least once or twice a week, but then I think that I've been picking the fights because I've been so unhappy and because he always swore that things were going to change and still nothing has. And that's the crux of the matter - it's not the situation (the broke-ness, the money struggles) that is the true problem - it's how PC has handled it. He's procrastinated, he's made excuses for himself and for everyone involved in his difficulty making and getting money, he's allowed himself to be walked on - all the while allowing me to pick up the slack but still expecting me to feel that we are on equal footing. The purpose (aside from accommodating my schedule) of staying in Ohio for so long was so that we (he) could catch up and start fresh and try a life together and that purpose has not been fulfilled by any stretch of the imagination. We're almost exactly where we were 4 months ago when I was less than a centimeter from breaking up with him. Truth be told, I would have broken up with him by now if it wasn't for the fact that we're stuck in Ohio with one car and it's almost more difficult to get rid of him than it is to stay with him.

He promised me when we were in Montana that things were going to change. He promised me on the drive out here that things were going to change. He promised me 3 months ago when I was extending my job here that things were going to change. And here I am months later, feeling cheated of my own security and aspirations, being asked to believe him as he promises me that this time things are going to change. What evidence do I have to help me to believe that this is even a possibility?

This is the hard part. This is what I don't want to admit, but I have to if I want to receive any feedback at all that could be helpful to me. I have these feelings now, and they're involuntary. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want to be affectionate. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to be close or intimate or cuddle at night. When he tells me he loves me (as he assures and reminds me twenty times a day, as if that could change the past), I can't say it back. I say, "I know. Have a good night at work." I say, "I know. I'll call you at lunch." I say, "I know. It doesn't change anything." I say, "I know, but it's not enough."

It isn't. In a perfect world, love would be enough. But it's not. You have to live with someone, you have to be able to make a life, and how can you do that when only one person is living and the other is behaving like an emotional parasite.

Part of me thinks about the other kinds of guys that I could be with, the other types of relationships that I could have. Part of me never wants to be in another relationship - ever. Part of me can't really see leaving him. Part of me wants to believe that it could work out, even though most of me can't imagine that it will.

I remember once relating some of the story of The Ex to a co-worker. At the time the wounds were still a little raw (though it may have been a full year after the catastrophe, which is freakin' pathetic), and it was tough for me to talk about how I had felt he had started to back away from me and treat me poorly because he couldn't handle the idea of having real feelings for someone (after having been cheated on by the love of his life). My co-worker asked how he treated me like crap - did he hit me? Did he cheat on me? And at the time I almost felt like my hurt feelings didn't mean much, since he wasn't actually abusive or anything. Even though he did manage to rip my heart out and step on it as he walked away.

No, PC did not cheat on me. No he didn't hit me. No, he didn't actually steal money from me or wreck my car or gamble the rent check away. But I've been so unhappy for so long that I can't just say, "Well this is just part of being in a relationship." Because it shouldn't be. At least not this far in. We haven't even been together for a year and a half. PC abused my trust and my good intentions and my willingness to give him chance after chance to make things right.

So do I give him one more chance? Or do I drop him off on my way back home in three and a half weeks and start over?

Lyrics of the Day

"Some things don't work out like they should. Bang my head against your walls, but it ain't no good. 'Cause I'm screamin' at you, but you're screamin' at me, 'bout what I think you should do or how you wish I could be. 'Bout what I think you should do or how you wish I could be." Joe Purdy Some Things Don't Work Out

7 comments:

Emmeline said...

Definitely time to start over. No question. It's hard, but you can do it. It'll be the best thing for both of you. I'm so disappointed things turned out this way. You were so hopeful and happy in the beginning. :(

Em

Samantha said...

I don't know the answer. While you are relaying the story here on your blog, who knows if you are leaving things out or skewing them, or maybe they are exactly as you say. It's so hard to figure out what to do when you are so close to something as you are right now. The way I decide what to do in situations like these, is think to myself, that I have to live with whatever decision I make, and either choice you make will carry regret with it, its unavoidable so understand that now. So then the question is, which will you regret the least...?

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for quite some time and have enjoyed reading it through the years.

First, let me say that I'm very sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing and your father's illness. I was not very attached to my own granparents, but am extremely attached to my parents and I know that I will have a tough time dealing with it when it is their time to go... It is never easy and no words can really comfort you, but just know that other people understand and wish you the best.

On PC...I understand welll you resentment at being the breadwinner and struggling to make ends meet and feeling like you are being mooched off of. This destroyed one of my own relationships in very much the same way. I let my boyfriend move in for 3 months to save money, but things got bad and I felt like you.... actually he felt that way too... not wanting intimacy and breaking into huge fights over almost nothing several times a week.

We decided he would move out. We took a few month break, not knowing what would happen, but we actually began to get close again after he left and we are still seeing each other, but not living together. Altohugh, as my parents mention, often, what's the point in continuing a relationship with a guy you can't live with and all of the "you're not getting any younger" comments, lol...

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that it's not impossible that you and PC could not recapture your passions after things get straightened out. There really isn't any way to know.

On the surface, I want to say that he sounds needy and even a bit lazy, but that could just be the tone of your anger at him showing. Then again I read alot of food and service worker blogs like waiterrant.net and ragingserver.com and it seems that people in these lines of work often have trouble making ends meet and the work is emotionally and physically exhausting -which may explain lack of his amibition to try harder to do more or fix things.

He could be as depressed as you. Fear and depression are not powerful motivators. People can always sense when the person they are with is slipping away from them, even subtly, but the lack of affection is not even subtle.

I'm sure both you and PC had good intentions when you decided to make this move. I personally think you guys took things too quickly. I also think it is stressful for him, as well as you, to be stranded somewhere where you are miserable. He is likely just as miserable. And especially for a guy I think it is depressing and stressful to be living off of someone else, especially when that someone makes it glaringly known that they resent it.

If the positions were reversed... you were a waitress making inconsistent salary and he was the one paying most of the bills, would he react in the same way? I don't know if this matters anymore, but try to put yourself in his shows too.

Lastly, let me say that my heart goes out to both of you. Remember that you are both still young, and became infatuated rather quickly. You and he may have a future, but maybe it would be best to spend sometime apart after you leave Ohio. I'm not sure if you both intend to return to LA after this, but maybe if you do, you can live separately and see each other semi-regularly and just see what happens.

Suz said...

Boy, I've been mulling this since you posted it. I'm certainly not qualified to answer the question, but you know it won't stop me from making a few points. ;) Just remember, only you know for sure the right answer.

Signs point to calling it a day with this man. However, you need to think about how much your heart will want you to run back to him if you do leave it before you feel like you've given it every chance. Think it through. Think about the good and bad, life with or without him. I usually revert to the old T-Bar list of pros and cons. It makes things clearer.

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult. And very sympathetic to the family death and illness going on. That only complicates your feelings. Maybe a trial separation to slow things down would be okay too. I wish you all the best, girl. Take care of you, and keep your own needs in the front of your choices.

Julie said...

Oh hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs.

There is a great quote in the Sex and the City movie. In case you haven't seen it, I'll leave out the names. One character hasn't been happy in her relationship in six months. To find out of this is normal, she asks another character how often she is happy in her relationship. The other woman says she is happy in her relationship every day.

While it is not always possible to be happy with your relationship every day, if you have been together for 18 months, and things have been bad for 4, then that is quite a high percentage.

You deserve to be happy.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to add something to my above anonymous post...You guys are both young and the infatuation struck hard. People are sometimes drawn to each other strongly, but drift apart. Other times they grow together and the bond becomes stronger.

Remember that the outside influences you are both experiencing now are a microchasm of life. There are both good times and very bad times. It is easy to blow off bad things happening in a relationship when going through "tough times", but life is always going to have these tough times, in whatever form they take.

A good relationship njeeds to be able to handle these times at least well enough for both people to keep their heads above water. If you don't feel this way with PC then either you guys are not right for each other, one or both of you are just not ready, OR maybe one or both of you simply does not know HOW to DEAL with heavy issues as a team. Only time and experience can teach these things, but both people have to want to learn.

All I can say is this... If you feel that what is going wrong is more of a case of both of you getting thrown into the deep end of the pool and not being prepared, then I have to say try to stick it out in Ohio as best as possible, then try living apart for a while and just good old fashioned light dating until you know for sure whether you want to stay together. Take it slow.

Remember that you really are both still young and guys in general mature more slowly. Most guys under 30 are almost undatable!

I'm speaking from my own experiences of getting engaged in my mid 20's to a guy I really liked, but couldn't quite love, but who was head over heels for me and was really a great friend and partner.

I broke it off with him of course... thinking I was going to go out in the world and find my true love only to realize now, as I sit here in my 30's, that perhaps true love does not always come in the form I once believed it did. The fireworks, the passion, and the drama... I lost a great guy would may very well have been the love of my life. Today I, as well as most single girls I know, would give anything to find a guy like him... especially after dating some of the lying, cheating, abusive, and drunken men I have since known.

Chris said...

I heard the line "Love is only a type of greed of equal portions want and need" and thought of this blog, probably because while you loved PC, you needed some personal responsibility from him too. Even if that's not the way the lyric is intended and I'm oversimplifying your situation, whatever, I still made the connection =). Anyway, I know you've had Death Cab lyrics up before but I figure you haven't heard this one so I uploaded it. It's just Ben Gibbard doing an unreleased song called Broken Yolk In Western Sky. It's here:

http://files.filefront.com/Ben+Gibbard+Broken+Yolkzip/;10984238;/fileinfo.html

Enjoy!