Saturday, August 30, 2008


I've been writing. I've been starting and stopping and erasing what I've written. There is some hole in me that I've tried to fill with rational thought and questions about the right thing to do; the hole swallows these things and grows.

I've been thinking of loss. Of the losses that have been and of those still to come. The losses that I have control over and those that are coming no matter how hard I rage and struggle against them.

How often does one meet another person that really loves them for who they are? How many chances do we get at these things that seem so monumental and so small all at the same time?

Lyrics of the Day

"And I filled the emptiness and the pain inside with a whiskey and a woman's touch, and that's as good as love." Joe Purdy Meteor City


Suz said...

Exactly the reason that Matchbox 20, "Hang" is my anthem most days....give 'er a listen.

I totally get it. I'm sorry there is so much loss staring you down. Been down that road too, sister. You have my sincere empathy. Enjoy the simple things each day brings to the best of your ability and let the rest go. I hope you find some peace in an unexpected moment, place, person. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Love is a hard thing to loose. Doesn't PC love you enough to prove to you once and for all he isn't so needy and irresponsible? Does he have any excuse? If he won't give up I think it's worth one more chance. Since he wasn't like that in the first place isn't he really that person? It sounds to me like he just got caught up being too in love which is an easy thing to do like annonymous said in the last post.... sorry about this delayed comment, just caught up with everything.

Anonymous said...

I think it is rare or nearly impossible to find a person that loves you exactly the way you are, AND vice versa.

Remember, love has to be a two-way street, or it is just an unhealthy infatuation.

Also, I don't think any of us are every 100% completely satisfied with OURSELVES, so how can we be 100% satisfied with another person? I think it is an unrealistic way to view "true love".

Life is about growth and change. We grow and change and our partners need to grow and change with us naturally, not be threat or force of will (ours or theirs). You and PC are both young right now, and the people who you both are now, will perhaps not be the same people you will be in 10 years.

I know that I have changed a great deal since I was in my twenties. I think this is probably true for most people.

Anyway, regarding PC, while it is a nice ego booster to have an adoring fan, it sounds like there is just a really unhealthy balance between his adoration towards you and your apathy towards him. I'm not blaming you or him, but I think that when one person is drastically more into something than the other person, it tends to drive the other person crazy and push them away.

Really I think you have to let him go for now for both your sakes. He cannot grow when he is clingy to you like a drowning person. It will just pull both of you under. Maybe once things calm down and PC realizes that life goes on, with or without someone else in his life, then the two of you can be friends and maybe even ease back into a healthy relationship. Don't expect that a few weeks is going to be enough to fix it though. A true break is best to help stop the unhealthy patterns you have both fallen into.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure anyone can say what you should and shouldn't do (Or PC for that matter) because no one really knows what's best in this situation besides you two. Hang tough, and your heart will tell you what to do.

Anonymous said...

To the anon posted that said PC wasn't really like he is now in the beginning, I wanted to say...

I don't think that it is really known how he "really was" at the beginning. Remember she only just met him when she moved far far away, and then they had a long distance relationship for a while, so the degree of clinginess he had at the end wouldn't have been possible.

The other thing is that the relationship was new, and people tend not to try to hold back their "issues" at first. It could be that the clingy person was just the real PC coming out when he felt more comfortable and had an opportunity.

In my opinion PC is a controller. It is highly Passive-aggressive to be so super clingy and is a way of "keeping tabs" on someone. Some men who are insecure about "losing"
their woman, beat them physically or stalk their every move.

It is the same insecure mentally unbalanced personality traits that makes people act that way. Fortunately for you, PC's insecurities don't manifest themselves is a malicious way, at least at this time.

In a way though, constantly being in your space and not backing off and the guilty trips (begging) is a form of emotional abuse towards you, done to make himself feel better and manipulate you into doing what he wants.

This guy really needs to grow up and learn to respect someone else's needs before he is suitable for a healthy relationship.