Dirty Little Secrets

I’ve been keeping secrets. I know that I swore I was going to get back to my fundamental honesty, but I may have fibbed – just a little, just a couple of times.

After my last date with AlienSpider, I knew it was done. I wrote a post about it being done. I vowed to take care of it quickly and just be through with the whole mess. But I didn’t. I kept putting it off. Some horribly lazy, apathetic part of me wished that he would just get the message and stop contacting me. I know that goes against all I’ve aimed for in Good Dating Karma, but I just wasn’t in the mood for another painful I-don’t-want-to-see-you-anymore conversation. But alas, he wasn’t getting the picture. Just as I didn’t get it with Tall Guy until it was nearly already over. We traded sporadic calls and text messages for a week and a half. I knew that I was just drawing it out and torturing us both – but I couldn’t help it. Then, finally, last night I bit the bullet and went through with it. It was mercifully simple and short. I think that he saw it coming, but was just sort of hoping that it wasn’t. I give him a ton of credit for being so sweet during the whole debacle. He just really wasn’t my type in the end, and I shouldn’t have resisted that fact as much as did. Oh well, chalk it up to Another Lesson Learned.

This all brings me to the Dirty Biggish Secret; this is the real thing that I’ve been hiding from all of you, and for nearly a month now. I’m tired of dating. There. I said it. I’ve been doing this for 4 months straight now, with barely a handful of decent dates to show for it, and no actual connections with anyone. I gave up every night off some weeks in the pursuit of a decent interpersonal connection, I spent countless hours emailing and talking on the phone with prospective suitors, I paid a decent sum of money to use the services of Match.com and eHarmony. In the end, none of it has done me any good. So I’m going to do it: I’m going on hiatus.

Now, don’t panic. I’m going to keep writing, and there may still be some dates in the near future, but I have got to give the internet thing a rest. I’ve realized that my selection process and the things that make me attracted to someone are such that, when combined, they make me extremely ill-suited for internet dating. I’m looking for that rare cross between intellectual and physical attraction – and I just can’t judge either adequately online. And I may still do what I’ve been talking about almost since the beginning of this blog, and rejoin Nerve.com to give their personals another shot, but not yet. I need a little time off. I need a little me time.

I have found, through the course of this blog, that I’ve learned more about myself by dating and writing than I really expected to. Having to coherently organize my thoughts, and really, explain myself in a way has been very good for me. So, while I’m on this little dating hiatus, I think that I will revisit a few of my past experiences and see if I can gain any new perspective on them. Maybe, helpful readers, you can help me gain perspective on them too.

Lyrics of the Day

"It does not bother me to say this isn't love, because if you don't want to talk about it, then it isn't love and I guess I'm going to have to live that." Counting Crows Anna Begins