It’s Over

My little heart is breaking.

All of my hopes have been dashed.

Brit Nurse is no longer single.

I have no idea whether the girl that he was spotted with is the same girlfriend that he broke up with and they’re back together, or if this is a new one. But I seem to have missed my window.

Pardon me while I cry myself to sleep.

Lyrics of the Day

“I'm on the outside of love, always under or above. Must be a different view to be a me with a you.” Nada Surf Inside of Love

My Double Standard

When I was in the throes of my infatuation with Tall Guy (who I was referring to as My New Boyfriend at that point), there were a thousand signals that he just wasn’t that into me. He never called me the day after a date, he was always the one to end the date, toward the end he started postponing dates and narrowing his availability. But I was so blinded by my hopes that he could be someone worth seeing for a while that I conveniently ignored all the warning signs. Once I figured it all out, I was ashamed of myself for being such a dunce, but twitterpation tends to foster all sorts of stupidity.

So, knowing how easily the mind justifies the actions of an object of desire, and being a victim of such justification myself – how is it that I can be so annoyed at someone for doing the same thing? I’ve realized that I have a hopeless Dating Double Standard, and I feel terrible about it. If I were dating a guy that I liked, and he made a reference to possible dates in the future, I would be excited about it. If he told me that he was trying to show-off my online profile to someone else, I would be overwhelmed with joy. If he referred multiple times to his opinion that I’m attractive, I’d be floating on air. But when the above statements are made by someone that I’m just not into, I think, why can’t he see that I’m just not that into him?
It was toward the end of my date with Mr. Hawaii last night that I realized what I was doing. I was silently judging him for doing things that I would welcome from someone that I felt a romantic connection with. And I was mentally scolding him for not realizing how I felt. And then I realized that if I were to state all of these feelings on my blog, people would think that I’m a complete bitch. Then I felt really terrible.

It’s not Mr. H’s fault, but there’s just no romantic chemistry there for me. He is ridiculously sweet, and definitely smart, and I think I would have really enjoyed getting to know him had it been happening under different circumstances. But the fact that there was this cloud of romantic possibility looming over each meeting was a problem. And, in retrospect, I couldn’t have realistically expected him to pick up the signals that I was trying to send. I mean, has a man ever picked up on a signal sent by a woman? I think not. They need to be told of our thoughts or feelings or intentions, because nothing else is obvious enough to the male brain. And often times the reverse is true – men can seem just as mysterious to women, and we need to be told things outright as well.

Chalk one more up in the category of Guys that I Just Couldn’t Be Attracted To. But I feel like I’m learning a little something with each guy, with each date. And hopefully I’m slowly learning to handle situations better, to judge my own feelings better, to refine my requirements a little better. Maybe some day I’ll be able to avoid going on dates that I’m reluctant to go on entirely.

Maybe.

Lyrics of the Day

"And dream of a love that made you feel more alive, worth any compromise. A love that will always keep you surprised and prove to be worth a fight." Maria Taylor Hitched

Counting Chickens

As we've all seen in the past, I need to be more careful in general about getting excited over every single guy that shows a little promise. BUT...

I had given up on WY Guy, who had not emailed me back since I responded to his initial letter before I went to Montana. Internet dating is tough like that: you can email someone once or twice or three times and they can still just drop off the face of the earth like they never existed. You get used to it eventually, and try not to develop too many expectations before you actually meet someone in person. Point being, it had been more than 2 weeks, so I figured that he was a write-off. But lo and behold, there was an email in my inbox yesterday from WY Guy.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I am strongly attracted to people who come from backgrounds that are similar to my own, so Wyoming is definitely on the list. I've actually dated a Wyoming boy or two in my day - which isn't hard in a town as close to the Montana/Wyoming border as my hometown is. So, he has that going for him. Also, he's very articulate over email, which is a big thing to me. (This is the requirement that I think gets me into more trouble than most, because many people who are good writers are not so socially adept.) He's in the masters program for film at USC and is my age. Oh yeah, did I mention, he's pretty dang cute too? There is some questionable facial hair, but I won't try talking him into shaving it until we're at least out of the email phase.

Lyrics of the Day

"Yeah, I was drinking. Yeah, she was drinking too, and, yeah, we made a connection – we came from the same neighborhood." The Good Life Lovers Need Lawyers

Uneventful

Strangely, though I did plenty this weekend to keep busy and saw many of my friends; I don't really have anything exciting to report. The Sister was asking me yesterday how my friend's birthday party was on Saturday night, and I couldn't really think of anything to say except: it was fun. The same goes for my other friend's birthday party on Friday night. Aside from feeling very strange being surrounded by a sea of "Silverlake Hipsters" (think long, faux-messy hair, super-skinny jeans, pre-ripped t-shirts, $200 items of clothing made to look like they came from a yard sale) and hitting McD's at 4 am with the girls, there just wasn't anything about my weekend to warrant an actual story. *sigh*

I'm going on my third, and probably final, date with Mr. Hawaii tomorrow night. I'm going to make a valiant effort to break pattern, and tell him on the date that I'm no longer into it. Of course, I'll say it as nicely and tactfully as I can - because that's how I am. I think that I've sort of [un]intentionally been getting my lack-of-enthusiasm across to both Mr. H and AlienSpider with my reluctant communication. But that's really more a result of my post-Montana hermiting than anything else.

I'm still riding high on my realization that it's okay to be picky, so it's allowing me to feel just a little less guilt than usual over the fact that I just can't get excited about Mr. H or AS. Which is a welcome relief. Now, if I could just meet someone I'm actually interested in, I'd be getting somewhere.

Lyrics of the Day

"And all you see is where else you could be when you're at home. There on the street, are so many possibilities to not be alone." Death Cab For Cutie Your Heart is an Empty Room

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I have been meaning to post this video, because it's vaguely hilarious, and also because this is just the sort of thing that people do in a small town like the one that I'm from. This video isn't actually of my friends, but this is how we entertained ourselves one night...






Lyrics of the Day

"Tomorrow we can drive around this town and let the cops chase us around. The past is gone but something might be found to take its place." Gin Blossoms Hey Jealousy

Better Than Internet Dating...

Well, maybe not, but this is really funny. I think I may just have to fly my ass to NYC, buy some of these babies and blanket the bars in LA with them:

It's a cocktail napkin and a come-on, all in one!

Exciting New Feature!!

I saw this on another blog, and I thought it was such a cool idea that I had to poach it. It's a guestmap. What it is, is a little link that will take you Wonderful Readers to a map where you can place a little icon at your location with a message. I signed it myself, to get things started. And you can sign anonymously, if you'd like - I would just love the visual representation of where people are as they are reading. The link is located on the sidebar, between the link to my profile and my list of links to other blogs. Plus, you can choose from a bunch of cute little icons - look at mine: I'm an ALIEN. Woo Hoo!

Lost Cause

I have gone way over the edge with AlienSpider. I know that this is my own fault, and I have no one else to blame – but man did I really foul things up this time. I should have realized when I became annoyed with him during Date #2 that it was time to pull-out before I dug myself in any deeper. But nooooo, I can’t just let well-enough alone.

I knew that I shouldn’t have gone out with AS in the first place once I found out he was an actor. I know that I harp on this point a lot (my Celeb List and uncontrollable desire to sleep with George Clooney notwithstanding), but it’s actually a big issue for me. I find myself attracted to actor-types over and over again, and in the end they always disappoint or rip my still-beating heart right out of my chest. Somehow, I manage to maintain the unshakeable belief that there will be an exception to the Actor Rule. Well, I think I should go ahead and break it to myself right now:

THERE IS NO EXCEPTION TO THE ACTOR RULE.

It first started to bother me when he repeated the fact that he was in a movie about alien spiders during dinner on our second date. Obviously, I was quite aware of this fact: I named him based on that damn movie. He then acted like it was new information when I mentioned that I used to work at a talent agency (I worked in the entertainment industry for 4 years before I got into healthcare), even though we had had an entire discussion about my company and how it ranked among the other agencies on our first date. Then he couldn’t remember what state I’m from, even though we had lengthy email discourse about our mutual desires to return to our home states someday (his is Kentucky). It was like having the first date all over again. Now, I definitely don’t hold anyone to the standard of remembering every thing that comes out of my mouth – but remembering anything would be a big help. I have been dating multiple people, and corresponding with even more, and I still managed to remember key conversational topics. Is it too much to ask that he do the same?

This is something that’s symptomatic of his true status as an actor-type. The focus on self and the desire for constant attention tend to outweigh the ability to thoughtfully listen to someone else speak. And it’s only gotten worse with subsequent conversations. On the phone on Tuesday, he got very excited remembering something that I had told him. “Oh right! You used to…” But I didn’t. The only thing that he thought that he remembered I had told him turned out to be something that I had never told him at all.

But, true to form, I could not confront the issue in person. I know that it’s chicken of me, but I just prefer to break things off over the phone. I just have to console myself with the fact that many people never have the respect to break things off at all, and just pull the classic Fade-Away or Disappearing Act. But that was most definitely my last date with AlienSpider. Actually, I hope that it was my last date with an actor period.

Unless, that is, George Clooney comes a-callin’.

What's that you said George? Oh, you'd like me to come home with you. Well, gosh, I don't think that I have any other plans...

Lyrics of the Day

“Everybody is so make-believe, it’s true. I used to be sad, now I’m just bored with you.” Ryan Adams Burning Photographs

Social Therapy

Sometimes, there's nothing more therapeutic than having dinner with an old friend. I don't think that I've had the occasion to talk much about my friend Flip since I started this blog, as he was in Spain for the last few months shooting a movie. He's one in my core group of friends from Montana, and it was more than a delight when he finally relocated to Los Angeles for his career.

Last night we went out to dinner alone, because all of the time that we've spent together since he got back from Spain has been spent in the group situations and we hadn’t had the opportunity to catch up at all.

It’s hard to describe the elegant complexities of individual friendships. Each person that is close to me has his or her own amazing qualities that make me thankful for them every day. Flip and I have developed an incredible relationship over the years; we can talk about so many things and relate to each other on so many levels. I think that we both really got to mull some things over out-loud last night, and that we both really needed it.

You see, I had a bit of a break-through realization last week, and it seems even more valid and hopeful after talking to Flip about it. I’ve been beating myself up for rejecting all of these guys who are interested in me, and thinking that I’m only doing it because they’re not the unavailable types that I’m nearly always attracted to. But there’s something much larger at work here, that I wasn’t even aware of until last week.

It turns out that underneath my toughened exterior of cynicism and open-minded theories on the Modern Relationship – I’m really just a big, fat, Hopeless Romantic. I’ve realized that I’m not dating in the interest of finding someone to date. I can’t bring myself to start a relationship with someone just because I sorta like them and they are at the right place at the right time. Subconsciously all along, I’ve been looking for A One. (I don’t like the phrase “The One” because it implies that there’s only one person for me or for each of us, and I wholeheartedly disagree with that type of thinking.) I’m not willing to settle for less than the type of person that I could see myself ending up with. And if I were to jump into a relationship with any of the very nice (but not quite it) guys that I’ve dated, I would be settling. Apparently I just don’t have that ability programmed into my DNA.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is for me to figure this out. When a lot of time passes between relationships, I start assuming that I’m doing something wrong. We all have these little insecurities that hang around in the back of our minds, and mine like to speak up during a dry-spell. [Maybe if I were skinnier, or trendier, or prettier, or used fewer large words, someone would love me.] On top of that, it’s very difficult to be a single woman in your mid-twenties. People question it a lot, as in: “I wonder what’s wrong with her that she can’t get a boyfriend?” But now I realize that I’ve been choosing this all along, and that it’s okay that I’m being so insanely picky. When someone who is right for me comes along, I think I will be ready for him.

But will I meet him on the internet?

Lyrics of the Day

“The sounds of the city sifting through trees, settle like dust on the shoulders of the old friends. Can you imagine us years from today, sharing a park bench quietly?” Simon & Garfunkel Old Friends

Shopping at Wal-Mart

I know that I’ve been quiet about my internet dating for a little while, and I think I had better be honest with you: I’m losing enthusiasm. I met more guys that I was interested in, and saw more action, in the 10 days I was in Montana than I have in the four months of this little experiment. I’m not sure how much I’ve talked about this so far, but I’ve always felt that LA was the wrong place for me to find a guy. I like a man who is really a man: he can fix things, chop wood, finish any food that I leave on my plate, pick me up and throw me over his shoulder on a whim, spends less time in the bathroom than I do, goes to a barber instead of a stylist, and other such measures of masculinity. Sadly, many of the men in LA are lacking all of the above attributes. Let me put it this way – LB looking for a S.O. in Los Angeles is like trying to buy organic produce at Wal-Mart:

I’m just shopping in the wrong store.

The men in Los Angeles are, traditionally, just not what I’m looking for. This dating almost feels like an exercise in futility, like banging my head against a wall. I was thinking that in LA, maybe 1 of every 10 guys I meet has the requisite qualities for me to be interested in him. But if I lived somewhere that was more populated by the kind of men that I’m attracted to (Montana, Washington, Oregon, Colorado), then 8 or 9 out of 10 men that I met would be possibilities. Playing the laws of averages, I’m really screwing myself by staying in Southern California.

See! In Montana I could end up with that guy there, or that one over there, or there, or there…

This is not to say that I’ve given up entirely – I’m still following through on leads and have a couple more dates coming up. I’m going to go on Date #3 with AlienSpider tomorrow night – though I’ve lost a lot of interest in him for reasons that I never really discussed here. I’ll cover them when I report on that date. And sometime next week I’ll have that rescheduled date with Mr. Hawaii, who ended up not having to make that life-decision that cancelled the date last time. I’m ashamed to say that I was hoping he would have to make that decision and that the result would be his moving out of LA for a better opportunity. See, it would have served two purposes: he would have had a great new opportunity that could’ve meant great things for his career and I wouldn’t have had to make that To Date or Not To Date decision with him. But alas, I am forced by the Gods of Fate to man-up once again.

Lyrics of the Day

"I have run, I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls, [these city walls] only to be with you. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for." U2 I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

The Celeb List

Last night I was catching up on Entourage (having been at a barbecue on Sunday night, and thus unable to watch it during its original airing), and there was a story line involving the idea of having a list of celebrities that are, well, exempt from the rules of cheating on your significant other. In other words, you and your S.O. make lists (traditionally 5 celebs each) and if you ever had the opportunity to sleep with anyone on your list, you would be allowed to. Apparently, this idea insinuated itself into my subconscious, because this is who I spent my sleeping hours with last night:

This is one of the many Men of My Dreams - Jeremy Sisto.

Even if I were in a relationship, I think I would have a hard time turning that down. But this begs the question: how exactly does one go about formulating such a list? There's actually an entire Friends episode concerning this subject, and it illustrates my fears: what if you leave someone off the list, but you end up with the chance to sleep with them?

This may seem like a small problem to some but for me, this is a critical issue. Should the list contain the 5 celebrities with whom I am the most fixated? Or should they be the 5 people that seem to be the most realistic? Should age range and marital status play a factor? Because obviously, if we're talking realism, I can't really list Johnny Depp - although he did recently purchase a house near my home town, he doesn't seem like the type to cheat on his supermodel S.O. with a small-town Montana girl. What ever is a girl to do?

A lot of me leans toward creating a list of celebrities that could at least be remote possibilities. As much as I want to put George Clooney at the top of that list, I know that would be shooting far too high. So I'm going to go out on a limb here and create a sample list, just for the fun of it. But keep in mind that this list is not binding, and I am free to change my mind at any time.

1. Jeremy Sisto

2. Dash Mihok

3. Timothy Olyphant

4. Ryan Reynolds

5. Jason Behr

Okay, so maybe it's not 100% realistic (Tim Olyphant has been married forever and has 3 kids - but I've been lusting after him for so long, I couldn't leave him off the list), and it's creepy that Alanis Morissette has dated two of the people on the list, but it's fairly representative of the types of celebs that I develop ridiculous grade-school crushes on. So if I am, in fact, going to cheat on you Dear Readers - it will be with one of the above, devastatingly attractive, men.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well, I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem. Aw, but I'd sure like to find out, so why don't you climb down off that movie screen?" Counting Crows Mrs. Potter's Lullaby

Take These Broken Wings

I was at a going-away party on Saturday night with SJP, for the fiancee of a friend of hers. It was at this amazing house in a very unlikely area of LA; I was going mostly just to hang with SJP, who is leaving me for higher education and boys with cute Boston accents at Harvard at the end of the month. We hadn't been out since the Colin Farrell night, so we had some catching up to do. On the phone, when giving me the instructions for getting directions to the party, she had said that she invited me because I had hung out with her friend and the fiancee before, and that I might meet some "nice people" there. I figured that this meant I was in for another* set-up.

Sadly, it was not meant to be. Upon my arrival, SJP informed me that the prospect (the cute roommate of the fiancee) not only has a girlfriend (drat!), but is also moving to San Francisco with the fiancee. ::sigh:: It was worth a try though, and actually good to know that she has a decent idea of the kind of guy that I should be set up with. So I'm going to entrust her with Boston Boy Scouting responsibilities, so that I can maximize the cute-talking man-buffet when I go visit her sometime in the next year.

(*For some reason, people have been feeling me out for set-up willingness recently. Even one of my bosses - which I thought was really odd. But hey, I'll take it where I can get it - I'm not one to turn down a blind date. Unless of course, it's arranged by The Mother, and then it's an automatic no-go. This is based on an emotionally catastrophic bad date that was set up by said Mother in the summer of 2000. )

The point to this post is that SJP reminded me that I feel the way that I've been feeling every time I get back from Montana. She's known me for a good few years now, and seen me come and go more than a few times. And she's right. I do always do this, and feel this way when I come back from MT. I get a little blue, I hole up in my house for a week or more, I fantasize about getting the heck out and seeing the world. But then something always happens: I get thrown into work, I have a few good nights out, a minute shift shakes up my 5-year plan. Whatever the cause, the result has always been that I remain in LA just a little bit longer.

But this time, I think that I mean it. This time, I think that I have realistic reasons for leaving and ideas of where to go and what to do. I'm not feeling bitter or hateful toward LA, it's just that I don't want to spend the rest of the few Single and Flexible years of my life sitting in one spot - just because I'm fairly comfortable here. You know what they say, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." And damn it, it's about time to venture out...

Lyrics of the Day

"We've got airplane rides, we got California drowning out the window side. We've got big black cars and we've got stories how we slept with all the movie stars. I may take a holiday in Spain, leave my wings behind me. Drink my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new." Counting Crows Holiday in Spain

(P.S. I totally meant to herald this post as some sort of event - before I completely forgot to pay attention to it and instead wrote a self-indulgent musing on whether or not to continue living in Los Angeles. Point being - this is my 100TH POST! Cue the trumpets and streamers and confetti and someone alert the marching band that it is time for their entrance. Okay, I guess it's not that big a deal, but I am rather proud of myself for keeping something going regularly for this long, and for making it to this auspicious number of posts. Here's hoping that I have at least a few more in me, and that somewhere along the way I go on a date with someone that I actually like. Cheers.)

Don't Know Why I Left

Main Street in my hometown, bustling with people for the Bite of Bozeman

Those inner-tubes just can't wait to jump into the river with a beer and get a-floatin'.

I was in MT for the Sweet Pea Festival. For those who don't know - these are sweet peas.

Concert in the park at the Festival.

(Check out that sky!)

Me, at my cabin, shooting a gun! I know what you're going to say, but I swear, those bastard little plastic cups totally had it coming.

If you turn your head a little, and squint in just the right way, and maybe hold your breath for a second - you might be able to see that little spot where I left my heart.

Lyrics of the Day

"I might just jump back on and ride, like a cowboy into the dawn, to Montana. Movin' to Montana soon." Frank Zappa Montana

My Big Mistake

There is something dangerous about hooking-up on vacation. It's not that you're a stranger in a strange land, or that you could get roofie'd when your back is turned, or that you could end up in a bathtub full of ice with a strange abdominal incision. It's that you could make a major, catastrophic mistake:

You could hook up with someone you actually like.

At that point, you're just doomed. Because obviously you're never going to see him again. Most likely he's forgotten about you by the time he recovers from his hangover the next morning. Probably he couldn't even remember your name by the time you said goodnight. So what do you do?

First, you look him up in your high school yearbook. You look at his junior picture and his senior picture, taking a little bit of pride in the fact that he was both older than you and cooler than you in high school. You reminisce about how he looks now, and how he looked just before he kissed you in the middle of the crowded bar. Then you hop online, surfing to the "search" page on MySpace, even though you know you shouldn't. You type in his name and hold your breath. Nothing. You realize that you managed to hook up with the only 20-something guy on the planet who is not on MySpace. You briefly consider checking Friendster and Classmates.com too, but you know you've already crossed the Creepy Stalking Line enough for one night.

It is then that you realize it. You've gone and done the dumbest thing you could do to yourself. You've turned a fun night of casual making-out in public into an imaginary idea of a possible relationship. You know it's wrong, you know it's impossible, you know he's moving to London to get a master's in International Relations. But you think about it anyway. You realize that he fulfills your Unavailable Man pattern perfectly, but that won't stop you from obsessing over him.

On the bright side, your Big Mistake has reminded you of two very important things: there are guys out there that you can find both interesting and attractive and that you can be attractive to them as well. So it's not a total loss.

Plus, I've never been one to turn down a good make-out session.

Lyrics of the Day

"And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss. So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it. But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split. The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won't exist." Bright Eyes Lua

Story Time

I'm nearly readjusted to being back in real life, though I'm still not happy about it. Why didn't I listen to my father and marry a rich guy? Then I could be living a life of leisure; eating bon-bons and doing charity work all day. *sigh* If only I had given up my feminine empowerment at a younger age...

It doesn't really get much better than my trip to Montana. When it was over, it felt like it had just flown by, but in retrospect there was so much that I did and saw. I arrived on Saturday and drove straight up into the mountains to see my fabulous friend The Singer play at a small music festival. Sunday I went to the beach (Well, the Bozeman Beach, which is basically a hole filled with water where a landfill used to be. But it's what we have there and we use it.) with my parents and that night we all went to The Singer's house to watch him perform some more in his back yard. He's amazingly talented, and I'm so proud of him for all of the work he's been doing on his music and all of the progress that he's made both professionally and in his performances. If you heard that boy sing a Billy Joel song, you'd melt right out of your clothing, I swear.

That was one of the very special things about this trip - of my core group of really close guy friends from Montana, all but one happened to be in town that weekend. It was a reunion of the type that we usually only get at Christmas and it was so good to see everyone and spend time with them. I'm really blessed with some of the most amazing and talented friends possible, and I'm thankful for them all the time. If only life was like the TV show Friends, and we could all live together in impossibly large apartments in the same town.

Tuesday night the gang and I all met up in a local park after a quaint small-town band performance. We met up at a local bar/poolhall (one of the classier places in town, and non-smoking) for pool and drinks and general revelry. You know you're in a small town when an old friend (who I used to have a crush on, about 7 or 8 years ago) shows up because someone he knew saw the group at the bar and called him. Old Crush has been a friend on the periphery of the group for a long time, but doesn't stay in touch as much as the rest of us do. By the end of the night, I realize that Old Crush thinks I'm hot. And not in a, "gee we're old friends and you look really great" sorta way. In a, "you're a hot chick and I'm going to try to get into your pants" kinda way. He ended up booty-calling me at about 3 AM, after I was already home in bed. I think I was too intoxicated to be as amused at the time as I should have been, but I woke up shaking my head at the hilarity of the situation. When I liked Old Crush back in the day, he messed with my head a little, but had no interest in me whatsoever. It was sorta fun to have the last laugh. Revenge is always the best when all you have to do is look good.

Lyrics of the Day

"Here's a song to all my friends, I know they'd like. I remember every drunken night at the old dive. Driving the ol' wreck, trying to make it home somehow, one more pit stop at our favorite watering hole." Lagwagon To All My Friends

P.S. Coming tomorrow, or this weekend at the latest, photos from my trip and stories regarding boys I went to high school with!

My Home’s in Montana

Before I reached the (pathetically late) nest-leaving age of 21, I found it nigh-impossible to move from my hometown of Bozeman, MT. My family moved to Maryland briefly when I was 8, but ended right back in Bozeman less than a year later; back into the same house, no less. At 18, I applied to and was accepted by a university in a town 3.5 hours away. I went. I came back every weekend. I came down with Mononucleosis and was back in my hometown two months after leaving.

I got onto the airplane to come back to Los Angeles at 7:00pm on Monday night. I settled into my window seat (a must for me, as I am obsessed with watching the world go miniature as the plane ascends) and nearly pressed my nose against the glass (or whatever it actually is). As we took off and rose above the valley of my birth I saw, really for the first time, my little town from the air. I stared, wondering just how it could look so small. How this little town could look like so little, like it could mean nothing, when so much of my heart lives there. And it does. This is not to say that I’m going back. I may never go back. But that’s where my heart is. It’s where I suddenly feel at peace with myself and the world and my surroundings and my struggles. It’s where the truest parts of me wake up and look around and wonder where the hell they’ve been hiding for so long.

I'm Baaaaaack

To be honest, I'm not quite ready to be back in Los Angeles, and definitely not yet ready to jump fully back into the blogging. I'm just now back at work (Blech. Being unemployed, however temporarily, was much more fun!), and trying to get back into the swing of things. I did have an amazing trip, and as hoped I have many stories to share. I may even disclose a little bit on that horrible drunk post from last week. But please have a little patience with me My Dears, as the MT to LA adjustment always takes a bit of time.

Lyrics of the Day

"How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, come home in the evening and have nothing to say?" John Prine Angel From Montgomery

And I'm Off...

To my faithful and much-loved readers,

I am [finally] off to Montana tomorrow morning. After the week that I've had, the coming rest couldn't be at a better time. I fully intend to update at least a couple of times during my vacation, if not more frequently. However, I do have a bad habit of shunning the computer while I'm in the vast open spaces of my home-state so you will have to forgive me if I am lax in fulfilling my bloggy duties.

Before I crash (and I almost mean that literally, so hard will my head hit the pillow when I finally make it to bed), I want to drop a couple of updates:

1. My third date with Mr. Hawaii was cancelled on Wednesday night, with a reschedule pending. He had an interview that necessitated time for deep, meaningful soul-searching as to whether or not to enact a drastic life change. I'm going to email him while gone and we'll see if Date #3 happens or not...

2. My student happened to catch a glimpse of Brit Nurse running into the hospital on an off-day today. She said that he was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and that contrary to my belief that few men can pull off this look, he most certainly can. She said, "He obviously works out." Now, I still have to figure out how (and whether, really) to break me off a piece of That!

3. There was an actual *promising* email in my Match inbox today. Wyoming Guy is, obviously, from WY and seems to be intelligent and interesting and interested in me to top it all off. Coincidentally, he is leaving this weekend for WY just as I am leaving for MT, so the communication will be slow-going, but hopefully will turn out better than the sad story that was McDreamy.

I hereby do vow to return to Los Angeles with a better tan, mosquito bites, photos of Big Sky Country to share, mementos of my time, and hopefully some good stories. If I'm ridiculously lucky, one or more of those stories will involve me making out with some incredibly adorable boy who has never even entertained the notion of shaving his legs, unless he happens to be a professional swimmer.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm going up, going over to Montana. You got yourself a trucker's atlas. You knew you were all hot, well maybe you'll go and blow a gasket." Modest Mouse Trucker's Atlas

Saturday Night's Alright

I've been meaning all week to post a bit about my Saturday night last weekend, because it was fun, and I had a little Hollywood celeb sighting action.

It was my girl SJP's birthday (well, actually on Sunday, but we were celebrating on Sat. night) and so two of her best friends and I all went to a swanky Santa Monica hotel, The Viceroy, for dinner and drinks. I've been spending a lot of time lately with people who are married (mostly people I work with) or in relationships, and I was beginning to think that I'm the only Single Girl Over 25 in the whole damn town. It was refreshing to hang out with these girls, who are all gorgeous, intelligent, professionally successful, and single. Plus, they're a blast to hang out with.

We had a great dinner, with a bottle of wine and a birthday brownie (candle and all). Then we squeezed through the throngs of hipsters, industry-types, Hollywood wannabes and Beautiful People on our way out to the outdoor pool area. We had a couple of drinks, randomly ran into someone that SJP when to high school with (I keep telling you, this is a small town!), and just had fun people watching and girlie bonding. Toward the end of the evening, once it was officially SJP's birthday, we made our way over to the doors. Standing there, waiting for one of the girls to return from the ladies' room, I looked over and thought, "Is that ...? Yes, I think it is!"

That's right, "superstar" Colin Farrell. He looked pretty much like this, but was wearing a newsboy cap.

I am not the kind of person to approach celebs, but we watched with amusement as wave after wave of girls swarmed him. He was actually very nice about it all, spent a couple of minutes talking with each group, and was remarkably well-behaved in general. It would have been far more entertaining had he been plowed and trying to sleep with anyone who came close enough (thus, living up to his man-whore reputation), but alas, he seemed sober enough. I was actually a big fan when he first started being noticed, but it makes me sad that his extracurricular activities have far outshone his acting talent at this point. I mean, the guy already has an E! True Hollywood Story and his first big movie was only 6 years ago.

All in all, a good night. Happy Birthday SJP!

Lyrics of the Day

"I know a movie star, I've got her plastered to my wall just like we're dear old friends. Like she already knows me." Guster Barrel of a Gun

Flashback

My first real relationship began in February of 2003 – I was a very late bloomer in the Boys Department. The boy (and I do emphasize the term) was an actor who happened to be a client at the agency where I was working at the time and was significantly younger than I. He had a supposed case of ADD and a rather unhealthy affection for prescribing large doses of Adderol (sort of a grown-up version of Ritalin) for himself. ADD Boy and I hit it off quickly, suddenly became BF & GF and began what was to be a year of near-complete misery for both of us. We “fell in love” though at this point I’m not sure it was much more than desperate infatuation on my part. He moved to Chicago to go to college, we tried the long-distance thing, broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. We both hurt each other in horrible ways. We broke up for good in March of 2004 – when he broke up with me the same week that I was moving out of my apartment, quitting my job and starting school again. I told him that doing this at this time meant losing me forever, but he wouldn’t reconsider. Four months later when he popped up again and proposed that we get back together, I said no. I think that we talked two or three times between then and December 2005, which was the last time that we actually communicated.

I don’t do well with being friends after a break-up. So far, I have been the one to walk away with my heart in little tiny pieces, and while I can get over it, it prevents me from wanting to be friends with the person who destroyed me. When ADD Boy tried to contact me earlier this year, I didn’t respond. I know that may seem very petty of me – but we weren’t friends before we started dating, and he had never made any effort to become a substantial part of my life. I spent most of the relationship catering to his whims and scheduling, so when he was gone very little changed for me. I slept alone for the entirety of every night, instead of just the majority.

This brings me to my point: I had an incredibly vivid dream involving ADD Boy last night, and I’m not sure why. I haven’t had occasion to think of him much lately, so why he has crawled out of my sub-conscious is baffling to me.

I was back in Vegas with The Mother, The Sister and The Godmother. While on the way to meet The Godmother, I put two nickels into a slot machine and managed to win about three dollars. I was very happy with this, and proceeded to try another machine. This time I didn’t win. The Godmother was giving some sort of lecture/presentation in a large conference room and I went there to meet her; The Mom, The Sis and I were about to leave Vegas. Nearly as soon as I walked into the room I saw him: ADD Boy. I was extremely surprised that he was there, but was polite and hugged him and asked him how he was. He said that he had finished school (something that could potentially be true right about now) and was going to Australia for some reason or another. I told him congratulations, and that I was happy for him. (I just now am realizing that he didn’t actually ask me anything about what I was doing – which is also pretty in-character.) I hugged him again, saying that I had to leave. Then he reached up and brushed my bangs from my forehead. It was such an intimate gesture that I was taken aback. I was offended that he thought he could still touch me like that, like a boyfriend, after all that time and all that had happened. Then I thought about how long it had been since anyone had touched me with such familiarity, and I felt suddenly sad.

That’s most of what I remember. It’s so strange; upon waking I could almost feel that touch on my forehead. Actually, I still can – just a ghost of a ghost of a touch.

Lyrics of the Day

“And I’ll only kiss your shadow; I cannot feel your hand. You’re a stranger now unto me.” Simon & Garfunkel The Dangling Conversation

I Am a Monster

It's so funny (more funny-weird than funny-haha) that I've been thinking all night/day about writing this post, then hop online to discover that readers are already agreeing with me! I think I may be in a bit of trouble here...

I swear, my intentions have been good. I really do want to meet people. I really do want to find someone to date for a while, if not something more. I really do make a sincere effort at getting to know the people that I'm going out with. But I'm having the same problem over and over again. I'm just not interested in them. I'm trying to decide what to disclose here, and I think that I had better just get to the truth of it all, so here goes...

I have some crazy, deep-seated fear of intimacy. I know that's terribly cliche, and usually applied when talking about men, but it's the truth. I have a near insurmountable inability to be attracted to anything but unavailable men. I know that I've mentioned this before, but I want to try to really send it home. Every time I find myself incredibly, or even slightly, attracted to someone, he turns out to be unavailable in some way. Secretly has a girlfriend, has been hurt so much in the past that he's light years from being able to open up again, has no actual romantic interest in me, has no desire to be in a relationship of any kind - you name it, it attracts me. Because, if I become involved with an unavailable man, there is no actual chance of having to become truly close to him. And because my crazy intimacy issues make me fairly emotionally unavailable, unavailable men are attracted to me in turn, because I serve the same purpose for them. It all leads to a cat-chasing-its-tail scenario that usually ends in me feeling completely destroyed and heartbroken - no matter that it was all inevitable in the first place.

This, actually, is the reason for the mutual attraction between myself and Cheese, whom I last saw at the 4th of July bbq. He and I have had an on-and-off flirtation (with a make-out session or two stuck in the middle) for the past 2 and a half years or so. After the 4th of July thing, I realized exactly why that attraction is there: neither of us are truly available, and so we're both ideal candidates for non-relationship-type interaction with each other. Ridiculous I know, but at least I'm not fooling myself into thinking that something could actually happen with him, because that's how I often like to torture myself.

This brings us to the men that I've been meeting and dating. Anyone who's been following long enough knows that of all the guys that I've gone out with so far, only one of them truly interested me. And this is because he was the only one that was actually unavailable. The rest are terribly sweet, smart, usually funny guys - and they would all be willing to enter into a relationship with me. Unfortunately for both of us, this makes them near-repulsive to the Scared Little Girl that controls my subconscious.

So what do I do about this? My recent theory has been that I can work through it by genuinely getting to know these guys that I'm dating, and not to let my gut reaction (Available = Run Away As Fast As I Can) dictate my actual actions. But it leaves me feeling like a liar. Instead of enjoying myself, or being really into the guy, I tend to spend a lot of each date wondering how soon I can go home and get some sleep (something that is far too elusive for me these days). I was kissing AlienSpider at the end of our date last night and I could tell that he was really into it. All I could think was: This is really nice, I should really be enjoying this. He's a really nice kisser. When is this going to stop so that I can go to bed? I feel terrible about having these thoughts in my head, but I can't seem to block them out.

So what do I do? At what point should I just give up, and hope that I can find some way to repair my damaged psyche without going on unenthusiastic dates? Or should I continue, and have faith in the fact that if I really meet someone good for me, I'll recognize it? Should I just adopt 4 more cats and be satisfied with a future as the Scary Cat Lady? Frankly, I'm at a roadblock. I'm turning in circles, looking for a way to move beyond this, but I just can't seem to find one.

Lyrics of the Day

"Life is a series of callouses, this is just another layer. So build 'em up, tough it out. Yeah that's your skin, don't let anyone under there." The Good Life Inmates

Unintentional Date - the Truth Revealed

Those of you who have been following for awhile may remember another brush with Co-Worker Romance (aside from my currently-raging crush on Brit Nurse) back in June: The Unintentional Date. Well, the story has continued a little beyond what I've shared, and now we have New Revelations.

The whole story with Mr. Fix-It started on my birthday. I came into my lab the day after and found an envelope with my name printed on it. Inside of this envelope was a card with a little note from Mr. Fix-It saying he is responsible for greeting May birthdays for my department (why I didn't smell something fishy at this point is beyond me, since my department consists of me and my helper) and that I was entitled to lunch for two at the restaurant of my choosing in honor of my day of birth. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but didn't think much of it so I tossed it into my bag and forgot about it in general. When the Unintentional Date happened, Handy Man mentioned the lunch card when setting up his little scheme, so I figured that if anything actually did need to be redeemed in that area, it had been done. The lunch happened, and Mr. Fix-It went off to train before being sent to Iraq.

At the going-away party that Mr. Fix-It's department threw for him, all of the employees that are friendly with Mr. FI wrote down our email addresses to receive updates on his training and mission. Shortly after leaving, I began to get Mr. FI's mass-emailed missives - but I also received some personal emails as well. I thought all was understood in the Friendly Co-Worker vs. Potential Life-Partner debate, until I got this email:

.....well actually the lunch coupon was a seperate thing.....OK, OK, I might as well say it now, I was trying to ask you out to lunch without making it awkward for the involved parties. I thought I'd put a little gimmick to it, and it was a nice way to get to know you. So if you're still interested in the lunch part, I'll be back in a few months. Take care now.

I really do think that Mr. FI is a very sweet guy, but I'm just wondering: what in the hell about this whole situation avoided awkwardness?? It feels like the time in 8th Grade when my friends decided that I should "go out" (translation: become automatic BF/GF with) a 6th grader and then asked him out for me. That debacle lasted nearly 24 hours before the mutual decision to call it off was reached. Point being: this situation has overflowed with awkwardness of the most middle-school kind, so it makes me laugh that he says he was trying to avoid it. I understand shyness and all, but JEEZ. What a crazy ploy.

Lyrics of the Day

"I love you - period. Do you love me - question mark. Please, please - exclamation point. I want to hold you - in parentheses." Dan Baird I Love You Period

Getting Honest - Again

I feel like I've been so behind on my entries, and so rushed in trying to fit them into my currently insane work schedule that I've lost a little of my charm. I'm reading over my recent entries and thinking: when the hell did I get so boring? I mean, let's be honest here, sure I'm blogging for fun and to keep track of all my wacky dating adventures - but I'm also blogging to try to be entertaining. Ever since discovering that other people could actually want to read about my life and find it entertaining, I have loved the response that I've gotten and aimed more and more to make my blog entertaining and visitor-friendly. But as of late, I think things have been a little lack-luster. Well, that is just going to have to change. I am now redoubling my efforts to entertain and am going to do that, for the most part, by being even more honest and forthcoming than I've already been.

Case-in-point: The beach-camping birthday party. Let me first say that I had a great time at this party and was fully ready to gush about it on the bloggy here. But comments that were made to me by a certain person who tends to be all-pervasive in my life made me ashamed of what happened and reluctant to talk about it. But now I've cleared my own conscience, so I'm going to tell a little bit more about that night.

I mentioned that The Sister and I met two guys at the party, and that the four of us became the Sunset Crew. Well, what I didn't really get into is that one of them is extremely cute. The Filmmaker is funny, adorable, fairly unpretentious and seemed to take a real interest in me that night. We talked a lot, and The Sister definitely said she thought he was attracted to me. This is a guy who met me for the first time when I was wearing a bikini - so he's seen just about as much of me as one can and still be in Friend Territory. Then I managed to get a little too drunk (the reasons for this are many, but let's just say that I don't always avoid discomfort in the most productive of ways), and ended up passing out at a pretty early hour. Aside from a little ribbing the next day though, no one said anything negative to me, until The Sis got on my case on the way home. The Filmmaker and friend (the one who used to live in my apartment building - we'll call him Ex-Neighbor Guy, even though we didn't live here at the same time) were just as friendly as before, and I got their email addresses to send them the photos that we had taken all evening on my camera. The Sister said that she would be surprised if we ever heard from them again after the way that I [supposedly] acted. Well - she was wrong.

I actually received enthusiastic emails from both guys in response to the photos from the party. Ex-Neighbor Guy said that we should get together and do it up Hollywood-style (they still live in the general Hollywood neighborhood) and The Filmmaker asked for my MySpace name so that he can send me a friend request. So, if there's a chance of getting together with them again, I'm going to take it and see if I can parlay it into a date with The Filmmaker, because I actually really liked him. And, of course, because he's so cute.

I just really wanted to get that off of my chest. And maybe it didn't end up being more entertaining after all, but at least I'm getting back on the Honesty Track. Mostly the hesitance to share has to do with my current feelings about The Sister - we've just spent way too much time together lately. We do that: first we miss each other, so we hang out a bunch. Then we keep hanging out a bunch because it's easy and we're both usually around. Then we keep hanging out more because it's become habit. Then we start to get really tired of each other and start getting in fights. Finally we end up taking a bit of a break and not spending so much time together so that we can remember that we like each other again. Then the cycle starts over, etc, etc, ad nauseum. That's just how it is with us, and probably how it will always be. So right now we're entering Break Phase, which will be good for both of us.


Lyrics of the Day

"Late nights won't do me justice, 'cuz when I drink I just get so damned depressed and it's not right. I ain't trying to get over you." Augustana Stars and Boulevards

Of Boys and Exhaustion

I know that my weekend was [insanely] busy and all, but I am dragging even more ass than usual this week. Every day so far has felt like Monday, and I have been literally counting down the minutes until I can go home. Blech. I swear, I am getting my road-flattened booty to the gym tomorrow so that I can boost my energy level - I really need it this week!

I ended up stuck on Brit Nurse's floor all morning yesterday, which afforded me a wonderful opportunity to flirt. Almost the moment I got up there, he busted out his new tattoos - some beautiful Chinese lettering that he had done in San Fran over the weekend. We talked for long enough that the student nurse who was training with him seemed pretty annoyed, but hey, I just love to hear those English boys talk. I'm not sure that I even want to cross into actual Work Romance territory with him, but I am enjoying the flirtation for now.

I set up date #2 with AlienSpider last night. I am sticking to my guns about taking this week off socially, so we're going to get sushi next Monday night. We had a fun, easy conversation and I think that we'll have more fun on date #2. He told me a funny story about being at a Korean spa over the weekend and having a steam-room encounter with John Travolta. I told him I hoped he didn't get too close, as I hear that Scientology is contagious.

I also called Mr. Hawaii last night, but by the time he called me back I was too tired to talk (I tend to be very selective about when I'm in the mood to be on the phone - mostly when I'm on the way home, because once I get home I'm in LB Time and I don't really want to talk to anyone.), so I'll talk to him tonight.

I'm giving eHarmony one last shot. I'm communicating with a literal slew of guys right now, and maybe one or two of them will pan out. To be honest, I'm not sure how people can do this internet dating thing all the time, and not burn out. It's hard to sustain enthusiasm for it, especially after so many dates with such small amounts of actual chemistry. There's a large part of me that's really just holding out for a Montana boy - which is what I'm hoping to snag when I'm home for a vacation in just under two weeks. If that falls through, at least I'll have some fun hometown stories to share.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink. I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink? No, no, no." The Beatles I'm So Tired

Back in Action, Part Three

We rejoin my story on Wednesday morning, when I somehow managed to get out of bed on little more than four hours of sleep and was even able to shave my legs before I left for Vegas. The Sister and I drove and drove and arrived around 10 am in Sin City. We hooked up with The Mother, The Godmother, and The Godmother's son. First stop was the pool, of course, where we scored a free cabana (those things usually cost $350+ to rent for the day) and had a grand old time being treated like kings. Then we went casino-hopping a bit, where I met my New Worst Enemy:

There's a new game in Vegas called Rapid Roulette and that is where I lost all my money. We did some buffet eating, some more gambling, then called it a night. The Sis and I were so exhausted from getting up so early (not to mention getting to bed on the late side of things) that we crashed out pretty quickly. The next morning was breakfast buffet (we know how to EAT!) and some last minute money-losing before jetting back to Los Angeles.

I arrived home just in time to shower, re-pack, and head out to the Valley to pick up Red for the trip up to Napa. Napa ended up being a great time - though all of last weekend went way too quickly. We managed to hit five different wineries on Saturday, and I managed to find a couple of bottles that I really liked. Wine country is beautiful, and tasting has the potential to become a legitimate hobby of mine - I really liked it.

A view of a vineyard from the car - hey it's not like I claim to be a pro or anything!

Some amusing boy-drama went down on Saturday night, when Red picked a guy up at the brewery-type place where we had dinner. He had the act down. I was totally fooled, and so was Red. He seemed so sweet, slightly awkward, maybe a little unsure of himself. But in the end, he turned jerk when he realized that he wasn't getting a Tourist Quickie One-Nighter for his trouble. I spent the evening fending off the advances of Red's guy's friend, who seemed to believe that I was going to hook-up with him by default. Fortunately, he eventually got the message. Sunday we made it back into LA by early evening, by which time I had just enough energy to decide which movie to stare at until I could pass out.

Lyrics of the Day

"Red red wine you make me feel so fine, you keep me rocking all of the time." UB40 Red Red Wine

Quickie

I somehow managed to resist the impulse to stalk Brit Nurse on his floor yesterday - he was working, but I needed my co-worker to do the work on that floor while I took care of other stuff. I had a debate with myself about efficiency vs. stalking my crush, and my practical side won out in the end. But...

I came in this morning to a note from my co-worker that reads:

"Brit Nurse was asking where you were the last time I was on the floor."

He likes me, he likes me, he likes me. *doing the happy dance*

Having a new crush is fun!

Back in Action, Part Two

When we last left our heroine, LB, she had completed a (mostly) successful second date with Mr. Hawaii. The next segment of our story begins the following day, Wednesday July 12...

As I mentioned in my incomplete blog from last Weds, I got my butt kicked at work that day. My least favorite physician (because he makes my life very difficult purely for the purpose of covering his own ass, even at the patient's expense) seemed to psychically know that I would be out of town for the next two days. Therefore he needed to order an exorbitant number of tests, but wait until 3:00pm to do so. So I ended up stuck on a particular floor of the hospital all afternoon, until long after I was supposed to go home. The only benefit to this particular event is that this all occurred on the floor where Brit Nurse works. Ever since the day that he told me about his new relationship status, I have been very friendly on the occasions that we have to chat. Spending two hours on his floor on Wednesday afternoon allowed me a few more occasions to flirt it up with him. I have to say, I honestly think there is a bit of interest there - he definitely goes out of his way to smile at me, wink, talk to me, etc. And of course, I do the same. I'm still not at the point where I think I should aggressively pursue him or anything, but when he's had a little more time to cool something could possibly happen. You never know.

By the end of the day I was completely exhausted and was hoping that AlienSpider would call and cancel the date. Knowing that I had to be in my car by 5:00 am on Thursday, I was really regretting setting the date for that night. But, as you know, AS did not cancel, and the date went on as planned.

We met at the Frolic Room, an old iconic Hollywood bar that is right next door to the Pantages Theater. (For non-Angelenos, the Pantages is one of the main theatre venues in LA - it gets all the touring shows like The Lion King and The Producers, and occasionally big concerts.) It used to be a glamorous hotspot but is now a fabulously divey place with a bit of an old-fashioned feel to it. I may have mentioned before, AS and I have extremely compatible taste in bars, so I knew that I would like the place. I had actually always wanted to go (especially b/c The Frolic Room is featured in LA Confidential, one of my favorite movies), and was happy to have someone take me. We had a lot of fun, talked about all sorts of things, had a couple of drinks, played instant Lotto Keno at the bar. (We won $16!) The funniest part was when we noticed that we were wearing nearly identical outfits: polo shirt, jeans and flip flops. Mildly embarrassing, but amusing nonetheless. We then walked around the neighborhood a little and grabbed a late night snack at a hamburger stand. He's shortish, but he's cute, smart and well-read - even if he is an actor. There will be a date #2.

To Be Continued...

Lyrics of the Day

"And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood. If you think you might come to California... I think you should." Counting Crows A Long December

Back in Action, Part One

Here I am, FINALLY back from my travels and my craziness and ready to jump back into filling you in on my oh-so-fabulous adventures. I'm going to try to remember everything that I should be disclosing here.

Let's go back to the subject of the beach camping party. I sent out the Sunset Crew pics on Wednesday, and did indeed get a response back from one of the guys that we met. So hopefully some social plans with them can be arranged and I can have an opportunity to hang out with the cute one some more.

Tuesday night last week I had my second date with Mr. Hawaii. I'm trying very hard to work on my ability to give people a real chance before deciding compatibility, and Mr. H is really an exercise for this reason. He's so sweet, and fun to talk to for the most part, but he started this thing on Tuesday night that was driving me nuts. Every time we would find a point about which we disagreed, he'd say something to the effect of "well, that's it, it's over, nice knowing you." And for some reason, we found a lot of these points on Tuesday, so I probably heard that refrain about 7 or 8 times. He hates thrill-seeking things like roller-coasters (which I love), he likes comedy that I consider boring, he likes Tom Hanks (who I consider to be very boring), etc. I just tried to brush past his remarks, because I didn't want to be baited into any other sort of reaction. I wondered a little if he was fishing for reassurance - like he wanted me to say "oh no, I'm sure we can work past this" or something, but I didn't want to go that far. I did find out something very valuable though: we met at one of my favorite sushi restaurants - Katsu-Ya in Studio City. It turns out, the key to amazing sushi at a place like that is to let the waitress order something for you. We asked if there was another type of sashimi dish to try, and the waitress asked if she could choose something for us and it was incredible. All in all, it was an enjoyable date. I just have to think a little on whether it seems wise to go out with him again.

Okay, consider this Part One. In fact, I'm going to rename this Part One and I'll continue the stories in just a bit...

Post-Weekend Update

I obviously missed my promised deadline of yesterday to catch you all up on the events of the weekend, so here I am, trying desperately to get all of the news in before I leave town for the rest of the week/weekend. Here goes...

Friday night I went out for drinks with Tattoo Guy, in our new capacity as friends. We went to a bar that I hadn't been to before in Los Feliz Village, so it was fun to try somewhere new. We had a great time - shared a bottle of wine, talked about all manner of things, had a minor star sighting. There was a moment or two where I felt like he felt some attraction to me (we'll address the difference in the way that I behave with friends vs. dates in an upcoming post - suffice for the moment to say that I'm much more open and forthcoming when there's no romance in the air), but I don't think he'd try anything. He's really a lot of fun, so I think there's real potential there for an actual friendship.

Saturday, The Sister and I did some running, then breakfast, then packed up our stuff to go to the beachy birthday party that we'd been invited to. This is where it took place:

This was a camping party, so it was held at the beautiful beach camping area at San Onofre State Beach in Orange County. We got there and joined right in with the fun. There was drinking, food, sun-bathing, games, surfing, and swimming. The Sis and I made fast friends with a couple of guys that were there. Once again, the crazy smallness of LA came into play. One of the guys used to live in the exact apartment building that I now live in, and he moved out only about 2 months before I moved in. He knew all of my crazy neighbors and the insane drama that surrounds the population of feral cats that inhabits our parking lot. The boys and The Sis and I teamed up as the Sunset Crew and trekked into the wilderness above the beach to watch the sun set.

One of the boys was pretty cute, and mentioned something (as we were bidding our adeus the next day) about getting together in Hollywood sometime. We had already exchanged email addresses for the purpose of picture sharing. So today I finally got to emailing them the Sunset Crew pics. We'll see if I ever hear from either of them again.

(I began this post at whatever time the timestamp says I did it. I then got completely slaughtered at work, and ended up leaving really late. I then hurried to wash my dishes and try to get my house even remotely in order before I leave town tomorrow. Then I went on my date with AlienSpider, which takes me to NOW, which is 11:30 pm and I need to be awake in 5 hours to drive to Vegas. Point being - I have to finish the story of the weekend later, and then I have to relate the stories of the two dates - Mr. Hawaii and AlienSpider - that I went on this week. Phew!!)

Anyway, obviously I have pause now - but I promise full-disclosure of all recent events in the early part of next week. I may have a chance to blog on Friday afternoon, but it depends on what time The Sister and I get back from Vegas. We'll see!!

Lyrics of the Day

"Don't make me come to Vegas, don't make me pull you out of his bed. I am vigilant that it will not be you on the menu that he's serving up for his friends." Tori Amos Don't Make Me Come to Vegas

New Prospects

I can't believe I was almost absent from my blog all day long. I've been meaning to tell you all: at work I am responsible for training students - people who have finished the classroom part of learning the job that I do and now are in need of real-life, on-the-job training. I get a new student every three months. At the beginning of this three months, they basically know nothing, and we work our way toward the point where they can almost do my job for me. I just started with a new student, last Wednesday, which is why I've been toning down my usual verbosity - I just don't have as much time to write. For example: you can go back and look through the archives - I bet this is only the 3rd or 4th post ever written after 7:00pm. Generally I'm just too lazy to get online (esp. with my PATHETIC dial-up connection) when I get home at night. But all of this is leading to a point...

I just talked to AlienSpider on the phone - and it was good! Still wary from my last phone debacle (McDreamy never called back, THANK GOODNESS. I still felt obliged to go out with his dud-y ass, but fortunately he had no similar crises of conscience.), I didn't know how this one was going to work. But it did work, and now I'm actually looking forward to a date - something I haven't done since date #3 with Tall Guy. AlienSpider actually sounds cool on the phone, and our conversation flowed nicely and easily. He's interesting and has things to say, he knows about current events, he likes the same types of bars that I like. Hopefully the date will go as well as the phone call.

I'm also going out on date #2 with Mr. Hawaii tomorrow night. We mentioned going to sushi, and he somehow picked one of my favorite sushi restaurants, so bonus points for him. I'm trying very hard to learn to give people more of a chance before I cross them off of the list, so Mr. Hawaii is the first benefactor of my new experiment. But if the kiss (if one happens) is disastrous, I can't let it go on.

I'll check back in tomorrow to fill y'all in on the events of the weekend. It wasn't completely insane; but there was a lot of fun had, and some cool people were met, so there are some stories to share. Hopefully I'll have a little more time on my hands tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me.

Oh yeah, and I have pics to share!!

Lyrics of the Day

"But I don't mind the days gone rolling away, 'cause all this sunlight feels warm on my face today. But what brings me down now is love, 'cause I can never get enough." Counting Crows Goodnight LA

More MySpace Stalking

Did you know that the number one search phrase that brings Googlers to my blog is "myspace stalking"? I think that's fairly creepy when you try to analyze that. Why would someone Google "myspace stalking"? Do they want to do it? Do they want to find out if everyone else is doing it? Are they looking for the elusive software that will allow them to illegally track exactly who is viewing their MySpace page? (MySpace is adamantly against this - they view it as a violation of privacy, and thank goodness because I don't need ex-boyfriends knowing that I view their pages 4 or 6 times a day. Okay, I don't really do that, I swear. No, really, I don't!) Whatever the reason, I just did a little MySpace stalking of my own...

I looked up McDreamy, just for fun, and to see if I could learn anything additional about him from his MySpace page. It was yet another let-down in the McDreamy story. Not only does it have very little information about him at all, but the pictures are the exact same ones he has on Match. Also, he even references his Match profile - telling interested parties that they should check him out there for more info. *sigh* I just don't see this one going anywhere. And he seemed so promising for those 18 magical hours before we talked on the phone. He's supposed to call me "later this week" to see if we're getting together this weekend. Later this week, to me, means tonight or else I'm making other plans. I actually am supposed to get together with Tattoo Guy on whichever day (Friday or Sunday) that I'm not going to see McDreamy. It's just a friends thing with Tattoo Guy, of course, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I think I'm giving McD an 8pm deadline, then I'm going to call Tattoo Guy and see if he wants to grab a drink tomorrow night.

AlienSpider brought up the idea of meeting up, so that will happen, but probably not until after next week. I'm fairly sure that I haven't told y'all - I'm leaving town for the second half of next week. Thursday and Friday I'm going to be in Las Vegas with my mom and godmother and Friday night through Sunday I'm going to be in Napa Valley doing some wine tastings with a bunch of the girls. It's right in the middle of a prime dating week for me, but it's going to be very worth it. So, after that the first date with AlienSpider and the second date with Mr. Hawaii will be on the schedule.

But hey, if none of this works out in the end, I always have someone to fall back on:






Max, my Non-Human Life Partner







Lyrics of the Day

"Every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you." The Police Every Breath You Take

An Attempt at Photo Blogging

I'm hoping to add a bit more of a photo element to this blog, but of course, I'm still figuring out which photos to take and how to make them interesting and pretty. So bear with me...

The wild beach party:

Here I am, in all of my keg-standing glory...

From the 4th of July:

The scary part is, she's not kidding. She really thought that spurs constitute a legitimate fashion statement.

Oh no! The Sister got crabs!

Lyrics of the Day

"You're doomed to repeat the past and nothing is gonna last, I burn all your photographs." Ryan Adams Burning Photographs

The Sea Was Angry That Day

So Monday ended up not being a bust at all, and actually turned out to be a hell of a good time. After I finished up (again) at work, The Sister and I decided to man-up and go out to the beach party. By the time that we got there, the beer was gone, so we picked up a bunch as a way to make friends. There were literally hundreds of people crowded onto the beach, in various states of drunkenness. We had a great time until the cops came down to disperse the stragglers and we all moved to a house just up the street and continued the party.

This was my only night off all weekend, so I was letting loose, and The Sister was in the mood as well, so we were quite the life of the party. I probably couldn’t tell you the name of a single guy that I talked to all night, but I know I did talk to a bunch. The Sis and I ended up really being a hit when we decided to do … keg stands. I hadn’t done a keg stand since the 4th of July (coincidentally) 1999, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I have to say, I was a champ. Eventually, The Sis and I got tired and decided to call it a night – with a very foolish trip to Denny’s. Once again, we stuffed our faces late-night with all sorts of horrible grease that we didn’t really need, but dang did it taste good at the time. Eventually we made it home and passed out.

We awoke on the 4th feeling less-than-fresh. I got paged at about 9, so we got up and I came to work and got that out of the way, praying that it would be the only time that I had to be in the hospital that day. We then blew off all our intended early day plans and sat on my couch until about 2pm, watching the worst movie I have ever seen, Must Love Dogs. This is actually an appropriate interjection: this movie is about internet dating – sort of. It stars John Cusack, a longtime crush of mine, so I thought that I’d at least like to see it because he was in it. Boy, was I wrong. The moral of the story is that internet dating is for losers, but if your sister just happens to make up an online profile for you or your friend forces you to go out with some chick he found online, then it’s sort of okay to do it. It made me a little ill, and was the most excruciatingly awful thing I’ve seen in a very long time. Think of the worst movie you’ve seen in the last 5 years. I’m pretty sure I’d rather watch that one twice than have to watch Must Love Dogs again.

For the afternoon, we had a barbeque down at Venice beach to go to. The head cook at Bodega has a great little place right off of the beach in the nice part of Venice and he was throwing a smallish party. It turned out to be a great time. We ate (what would you expect at a chef’s party besides GREAT food?), drank (though I hardly drank, as I was on-call), and laughed our butts off. The Sister left around 7, to go meet the Bartender; Jam, Cheese (one of the owners of Bodega), Bob Sugar (as in: the Jay Mohr character in Jerry Maguire) and I decided to go swimming in the ocean. It was amazingly warm and we had the best time.

On the way back from the water, Jam couldn’t stop saying “The sea was angry that day” and she decided that was her new catch phrase. For some reason, that just doesn’t stop being funny. Then we eventually congregated on the beach to watch the fireworks. We could see the Marina Del Rey show and the Santa Monica Pier display, so we split our attention, though the MDR show was much better. After that, we called it a night.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but there’s a little something between Cheese and I, and there pretty much always has been. We spent a lot of the night hanging out last night, and did a little cuddling at the fireworks. It’s a little bit of a story, so I’ll save it for a separate post.

Pictures will be forthcoming, I just didn’t have time to upload anything between last night and this morning, but I do have some shots to share.

Lyrics of the Day

“It's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days and I know I should go but I'll probably stay, and that's all you can do about some things. I'm trying to drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away.” Modest Mouse Polar Opposites

And the Plot Worsens...

This day is going quickly to hell. I hadn't had a single new request come into work today, so as soon as we finished all the weekend stuff, I deemed it appropriate to take off. Of course, as soon as I get home (all the way across town), I get a call telling me to come back to work. This, all in the middle of the fact that plans for the beach party were cancelled, then back on, then tenuous at best. Me going back to work sent the tenuous plans spinning to the side of cancelled again, and now we're just in a state of limbo. The Sister is enormously cranky, I'm cranky, our friends are flaking and there's a general lack of well-rested positivity.

*big, gigantic, melodramatic sigh*

I may just end up at home, eating junk food and watching crappy movies OnDemand all night. Which wouldn't be so bad really...

Lyrics of the Day

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart." Modest Mouse Third Planet

Let Downs

I'm pretty sure this post is going to be a serious let down for anyone hoping for another dose of my usual weekend insanity. This weekend I did...

Pretty. Much. Nothing.

Friday night I watched a little TV with The Sister and went to bed insanely early. I was rudely awoken at 7:00am on Saturday by the pager, so I ran into the hospital for a very tough patient. I managed to complete the study in time to hike Runyan Canyon with The Sis in stupidly ridiculous heat. We nearly died of heat stroke, but made up for it by going out to the beach.

Now I just have to interject on myself here. Where has etiquette gone? I seriously cannot believe the way that some people behave in relation to other people. The Sister and I went to a beach up the PCH called Topanga. It's a fairly unknown little spot, so it's nearly all Malibu locals and savvy LA residents. It rarely gets packed for this reason, so it's a good place to go if you like your personal space. Or so we thought. At some point, a family with three small children arrived and after surveying the ample available sand space, they decided to park themselves three feet from our heads. We spent the rest of the afternoon cursing our bad luck and debating the rudeness factor of blantantly moving our blanket. In the end we suffered the crying, running and sand kicked all over us in favor of remaining discrete. But, come on people, couldn't you have moved just a few feet back??

Saturday night I went to meet Kenny Flask and some friends at the Saddle Ranch (I can't believe how often I've been there lately, but this trip solidified my resolve to stay out of there on weekend nights - WAY too overwhelming, even on a holiday weekend). I got there late and ended up getting paged back to the hospital 20 minutes later. But in the meantime, I did get to see two girls ride the bull in skirts, and saw a particular frosted blonde and Extra-Tall Guy standing across the bar. Funny what a small town LA always ends up being. But as I had to make a quick getaway, I didn't have a chance for an embarrassing encounter. Then, I went to the hospital, and managed to run out of gas on the way home. I haven't done that since college and the timing couldn't have been worse. It was 1:00am and I was on-hold with AAA (I was nowhere near a gas station) for 25 minutes, during which I fell asleep. When the finally answered, had to wait another 30 minutes for the driver to show, so didn't make it home until almost 2:30, by which time I was completely exhausted.

Sunday I did even less. I made a half-assed trip to Melrose with The Sis in the interest of shopping, but neither of us was really in the mood. I had called McDreamy on Saturday evening, with no answer, but he called me back just as The Sis and I were leaving Melrose.

I am sad to say, that I think McDreamy is going to be a dud. There was just something lacking in the conversation, and I don't see this turning out well. I'm still going to go out with him, probably next weekend, but it may only be one date. I don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but he loves chain restaurants. I'm not completely against them or anything, but I feel like a love for chains represents a certain lack of imagination and adventurous spirit. *sigh* I could be wrong in being so pessimistic, but I don't think that I am.

I owe emails both to AlienSpider and Mr. Hawaii, which I'll get to today. I'm sort of talking to a slew of people on eHarmony, but none of them are very interesting at this point. My membership for eHarmony is up on the 20th, and I'm not going to renew. Aside from Tall Guy, I haven't met anyone else on the site, and it just doesn't seem to be the dating demographic that I'm hoping for. There are an inordinate number of Asian scientists on eHarmony, which is interesting to me. Is there a secret fraternity and they all decided to sign up together?

I apologize for the lack-luster entry today. I'm over-tired and over-caffeinated (I'm about to jump out of my skin, in all honesty). Tonight I'm hitting a huge beach party in Manhattan Beach with The Sis and the Bodega crew. I'm off-call tonight, my only night off in this holiday weekend, so I'm hoping to use it to the fullest. Tomorrow I'm on-call, but The Sis and I are hooking back up with the Bodega crew in Venice for a bbq party at someone's house. Maybe at one of these functions I'll meet me an eligible bachelor. Or at least someone good for a little holiday fun.

Happy 4th of July!

Lyrics of the Day

"That's when I know that I have to get out 'cause I have been there before. So I gave up my seat at the bar and I head for the door." Counting Crows Mrs. Potter's Lullaby