Wednesday, July 26, 2006


My first real relationship began in February of 2003 – I was a very late bloomer in the Boys Department. The boy (and I do emphasize the term) was an actor who happened to be a client at the agency where I was working at the time and was significantly younger than I. He had a supposed case of ADD and a rather unhealthy affection for prescribing large doses of Adderol (sort of a grown-up version of Ritalin) for himself. ADD Boy and I hit it off quickly, suddenly became BF & GF and began what was to be a year of near-complete misery for both of us. We “fell in love” though at this point I’m not sure it was much more than desperate infatuation on my part. He moved to Chicago to go to college, we tried the long-distance thing, broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. We both hurt each other in horrible ways. We broke up for good in March of 2004 – when he broke up with me the same week that I was moving out of my apartment, quitting my job and starting school again. I told him that doing this at this time meant losing me forever, but he wouldn’t reconsider. Four months later when he popped up again and proposed that we get back together, I said no. I think that we talked two or three times between then and December 2005, which was the last time that we actually communicated.

I don’t do well with being friends after a break-up. So far, I have been the one to walk away with my heart in little tiny pieces, and while I can get over it, it prevents me from wanting to be friends with the person who destroyed me. When ADD Boy tried to contact me earlier this year, I didn’t respond. I know that may seem very petty of me – but we weren’t friends before we started dating, and he had never made any effort to become a substantial part of my life. I spent most of the relationship catering to his whims and scheduling, so when he was gone very little changed for me. I slept alone for the entirety of every night, instead of just the majority.

This brings me to my point: I had an incredibly vivid dream involving ADD Boy last night, and I’m not sure why. I haven’t had occasion to think of him much lately, so why he has crawled out of my sub-conscious is baffling to me.

I was back in Vegas with The Mother, The Sister and The Godmother. While on the way to meet The Godmother, I put two nickels into a slot machine and managed to win about three dollars. I was very happy with this, and proceeded to try another machine. This time I didn’t win. The Godmother was giving some sort of lecture/presentation in a large conference room and I went there to meet her; The Mom, The Sis and I were about to leave Vegas. Nearly as soon as I walked into the room I saw him: ADD Boy. I was extremely surprised that he was there, but was polite and hugged him and asked him how he was. He said that he had finished school (something that could potentially be true right about now) and was going to Australia for some reason or another. I told him congratulations, and that I was happy for him. (I just now am realizing that he didn’t actually ask me anything about what I was doing – which is also pretty in-character.) I hugged him again, saying that I had to leave. Then he reached up and brushed my bangs from my forehead. It was such an intimate gesture that I was taken aback. I was offended that he thought he could still touch me like that, like a boyfriend, after all that time and all that had happened. Then I thought about how long it had been since anyone had touched me with such familiarity, and I felt suddenly sad.

That’s most of what I remember. It’s so strange; upon waking I could almost feel that touch on my forehead. Actually, I still can – just a ghost of a ghost of a touch.

Lyrics of the Day

“And I’ll only kiss your shadow; I cannot feel your hand. You’re a stranger now unto me.” Simon & Garfunkel The Dangling Conversation


Anonymous said...

All this means is he called you, so he popped into your mind, and that you miss having someone to be comfortable and familiar with in a romantic way. Doesn't mean you want to have anythinhg to do with him, and I think you are right to not bother contacting him. First love matters, and impacts us going forward, but the human heart is not a yo yo.

LB said...

Of course, I wasn't meaning to imply that I miss him or anything, because I'm long past that stage. You're right, I just miss having someone that close to me, even though it's the thing that terrifies me most.