Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I Am a Monster

It's so funny (more funny-weird than funny-haha) that I've been thinking all night/day about writing this post, then hop online to discover that readers are already agreeing with me! I think I may be in a bit of trouble here...

I swear, my intentions have been good. I really do want to meet people. I really do want to find someone to date for a while, if not something more. I really do make a sincere effort at getting to know the people that I'm going out with. But I'm having the same problem over and over again. I'm just not interested in them. I'm trying to decide what to disclose here, and I think that I had better just get to the truth of it all, so here goes...

I have some crazy, deep-seated fear of intimacy. I know that's terribly cliche, and usually applied when talking about men, but it's the truth. I have a near insurmountable inability to be attracted to anything but unavailable men. I know that I've mentioned this before, but I want to try to really send it home. Every time I find myself incredibly, or even slightly, attracted to someone, he turns out to be unavailable in some way. Secretly has a girlfriend, has been hurt so much in the past that he's light years from being able to open up again, has no actual romantic interest in me, has no desire to be in a relationship of any kind - you name it, it attracts me. Because, if I become involved with an unavailable man, there is no actual chance of having to become truly close to him. And because my crazy intimacy issues make me fairly emotionally unavailable, unavailable men are attracted to me in turn, because I serve the same purpose for them. It all leads to a cat-chasing-its-tail scenario that usually ends in me feeling completely destroyed and heartbroken - no matter that it was all inevitable in the first place.

This, actually, is the reason for the mutual attraction between myself and Cheese, whom I last saw at the 4th of July bbq. He and I have had an on-and-off flirtation (with a make-out session or two stuck in the middle) for the past 2 and a half years or so. After the 4th of July thing, I realized exactly why that attraction is there: neither of us are truly available, and so we're both ideal candidates for non-relationship-type interaction with each other. Ridiculous I know, but at least I'm not fooling myself into thinking that something could actually happen with him, because that's how I often like to torture myself.

This brings us to the men that I've been meeting and dating. Anyone who's been following long enough knows that of all the guys that I've gone out with so far, only one of them truly interested me. And this is because he was the only one that was actually unavailable. The rest are terribly sweet, smart, usually funny guys - and they would all be willing to enter into a relationship with me. Unfortunately for both of us, this makes them near-repulsive to the Scared Little Girl that controls my subconscious.

So what do I do about this? My recent theory has been that I can work through it by genuinely getting to know these guys that I'm dating, and not to let my gut reaction (Available = Run Away As Fast As I Can) dictate my actual actions. But it leaves me feeling like a liar. Instead of enjoying myself, or being really into the guy, I tend to spend a lot of each date wondering how soon I can go home and get some sleep (something that is far too elusive for me these days). I was kissing AlienSpider at the end of our date last night and I could tell that he was really into it. All I could think was: This is really nice, I should really be enjoying this. He's a really nice kisser. When is this going to stop so that I can go to bed? I feel terrible about having these thoughts in my head, but I can't seem to block them out.

So what do I do? At what point should I just give up, and hope that I can find some way to repair my damaged psyche without going on unenthusiastic dates? Or should I continue, and have faith in the fact that if I really meet someone good for me, I'll recognize it? Should I just adopt 4 more cats and be satisfied with a future as the Scary Cat Lady? Frankly, I'm at a roadblock. I'm turning in circles, looking for a way to move beyond this, but I just can't seem to find one.

Lyrics of the Day

"Life is a series of callouses, this is just another layer. So build 'em up, tough it out. Yeah that's your skin, don't let anyone under there." The Good Life Inmates

9 comments:

Papa jon said...

I just heard about a lady with 17 cats! And while you think about that, think about this, that little piece of advice you just gave me, well I think it might do you some good as well!

Julie said...

Is that why I was attracted to unavailable guys for so long? Fear of intimacy? It makes total sense. Anyways, the best dating advice I can give is to go on a dating hiatus for a while and actively turn away all male attention and also don't seek it out. The dating hiatus might not work out so well for your blog, unless you write about how it's driving you nuts, but the hiatus may help.

Anonymous said...

Go see a shrink, all you really do there is talk to yourself, but it is more productive than doing it at home, and you will get the answers you need faster. Meanwhile, it is not some freakish thing to not want to be somebody's girlfriend.

LB said...

I have actually been seriously considering a hiatus these last couple of days. I'm hoping to gain some perspective during my vacation in Montana next week. All decisions will have to be made then...

restaurant gal said...

Enjoy the time in Montana--mountain air can lead to clear thinking, yes? As an aside, I "gave up" dating for a month or so, met Mr. Restaurant Gal out of the blue, told him I wasn't interested in anything at that time, he said fine, i decided that wasn't fine, and we've been married for 24 years.

Best, The Gal

Freckled K said...

You have a few choices:

a) Become that Crazy Cat Lady

b) Date/Marry an incarcerated men...preferably a lifer or a Death Row inmate.

c) Do everything you can to overcome your fears - therapy, self-analysis...whatever it takes.

I know EXACTLY how you feel, as I recently had a similar self-realization. I'm trying so hard to stifle those little negative, dismissive thoughts that creep in when I'm with an "available" guy. I'm making an effort to replace those thoughts with more reassuring ones. "Go slow. Give it a chance, etc." And it's been working...so far. We'll see.

LB said...

This dating-hiatus idea keeps popping up, and I'm beginning to think it might be a good one. Of course, I can't go on hiatus for too long, or you'll all get very bored with stories about the cute things that my cat does. But maybe I'll take September off...

LB said...

And thank you K, I think you've actually hit the nail on the head: dating a prison inmate! How is it that I never thought of this before? You can't get much more unavailable than that!

restaurant gal said...

Ah, but what would The Godmother say about dating the prison inmate!

Have a great vacation in Montana!

--The Gal