It seems as if my feelings about Tall Guy create some nearly palpable cloud of energy around me, an aura if you please. And maybe no one else in the world can feel the vibe from this aura, but for some reason, he can. His response to the vibe seems to be an almost immediate u-turn and the urge to run for the hills.
I've just tried explaining this phenomenon, and the events of the date last night to The Sister, and it turns out that it's much harder to put into words that I had anticipated. But I'm still going to give it the old Girl Scout Try.
If you recall, as of yesterday, I had pretty much given up entirely Tall Guy and had reached a rather comfortable level of apathy about the whole situation. I wasn't sure what to think about the cheery, friendly message that he left me on Tuesday night, confirming the Wednesday date, but I chalked it up to good manners. We met for dinner last night at El Coyote before the concert at the Wiltern. He seemed genuinely pleased to see me and the conversation commenced smoothly. Things continued this way through dinner, giving me quite a lot to think about in the area of whether or not I was still going to be interested in him. We talked about some things that really gave me hope for our further compatibility, so that by the time we arrived at the show, I was pretty sure that I was liking him all over again.
Then his crazy-psychic-aura-reading kicked in. During the concert, and directly afterward, he seemed to be pulling back a bit, deciding again that he was uninterested. I could feel it happening and immediately started mentally kicking myself for having such a careless change of heart. There was some silence in the car on the way home (we had dropped my car off at my apartment after dinner and taken his car to the Wiltern), but it didn't seem all that uncomfortable. We talked about a particular band and he said that he would burn the album for me (which I assume means he's planning on seeing me again, right? Maybe? Who the hell knows??) When we got back to my place, I ran inside to grab some CDs that I had told himI would burn for him.
I came back out, thanked him for everything, then we leaned in for the goodnight kissing. I kept expecting to feel some sort of spark - some inkling of passionate chemistry, but I didn't really feel it. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, it's just that I'm not sure that spark is there. But I think that what's really bothering me, to be honest, is the uncertainty about it all. If I knew where I stood, or where he stood, or anything at all about standing in general - I think I would be able to stop overanalyzing every minute detail and see if there really is some chemistry there to surrender too.
I left it at, "talk to you soon." And I'm just letting it go. If he wants to hang out again, he'll call me. I'm tired of agonizing over it, so I'm just not going to. If he wants to react to every change in my interest aura, so be it. If he wants to keep seeing me, I'm up for it, at least for now.
*sigh* I told you it was hard to explain!
Lyrics of the Day
"Could I lie to you? I'm just too weak to face the truth. Now I know I should make a move, what more can I say? How can I fall, how can I fall, when you just won't give me reasons, when you just won't give me reasons at all?" Breathe How Can I Fall