Wednesday, June 07, 2006

My Guilty Conscience

Tonight, I feel like an episode of Scrubs. All introspective and contemplative, but also just a little off-kilter.
I'm not sure if it's the combination of my Irish Catholic heritage and my Russian Jewish heritage, but I have one of the biggest guilty consciences this world has ever seen.
And tonight, I think I have much to feel guilty about.

One down and one to go. I just got off the phone with Sailor Guy, and I told him that I met someone that I think is more compatible with me and that I'm taking a break from dating anyone else right now. I felt like I was going to throw up while I was saying it, and the conversation that followed (all five or six sentences of it) was painfully uncomfortable, but I did it. Once again, I sucked it up and did the mature thing and told someone the truth instead of blowing them off. So I feel good about that much, but I still HATE having to hurt anyone's feelings. I have one of those personalities where I want everyone to like me all the time, and "breaking hearts" doesn't fall into the being liked all the time category.

I tried to call CCG as well, but his voicemail didn't even pick up. I figure he'll see the missed call and call me back. I have a feeling that it will be even harder to tell him, but I have a little more resolve since I was SO annoyed on our last date. Then I think I will feel a million times lighter, because it will all be done and I can go on to doing what I really want to do, which is focus on dating My New Boyfriend.

In related Guilty News, I'm not going to be going out of town this weekend. The Sister isn't able to make the trip to Morro Bay to visit our grandfather, and so, very guiltily, I am abstaining as well. The worst part is that I know some of the reason I'm doing so is so that I can go out with MNB on Saturday night. But there is some logic in not going: it's a 4-5 hour drive, gas is stupidly expensive and I'd be doing it all by myself. Plus it's going to be a crap beach weekend anyway. So we're hoping to reschedule the Morro Bay trip for later in the summer.

Will I lose sleep over all of this tonight? The sad thing is, I probably will.

my actual bed, where I will be not-sleeping tonight

Lyrics of the Day
"But then things got complicated, my innocence has all but faded. Oh, this mess I have made." Ben Folds Five Mess

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