Monday, June 05, 2006

Inside the Confessional

Maybe it's the fact that I've spent only 2 of the last 14 nights at home, and my exhausted brain is slowly liquifying in my skull, but I feel the need to come clean. I've been ruminating on some things in the last couple of days, and I've just got to get them out into the open. Or I could just leave it be and count how many "mississippi's" it takes for me to explode.




Or maybe I'll go back to my original plan of just spilling it.

I don't think I'm very good at this whole dating thing. I mean, obviously, it's been an entertaining ride this last month or so, but something's been building. I'm spending more and more time on each date, wondering what the hell happened to all of my personal time. My house is a shambles. It was a major accomplishment just for me to wash the dishes last week. I haven't cooked a proper meal in longer than I can remember. I don't know when the last time was that I slept for 8 or 9 uninterrupted hours. This is all taking a serious toll on my sanity.

The other thing is, I've been preaching all this junk about keeping my options open, and not putting my eggs in one basket, and blah blah blah. But it's a total lie - and not even a good one if anyone has been reading closely at all. I've always been a one man kinda girl, and since meeting My New Boyfriend and realizing that I actually like him, I've really stopped giving anyone else a chance. I've been pretending to give Sailor Guy and CCG a chance, and in some instances I've even believed that I was doing so. But in truth, I wasn't. My attentions have been focused and they can't unfocus unless something goes wrong with MNB. I guess I should have paid more attention to the growing feeling of dread I experience(d) whenever the idea of getting physical with one of these other guys has popped up. Like the email that I got from Sailor Guy today, inviting me to a dinner/jacuzzi thing at his house this weekend. Such a sweet invitation - and if it came from someone else I'd be doing sit-ups and shopping for a new swimsuit right now. But with it coming from him, well, I just felt nervous and unenthusiastic.

I do need to interject that this is a particularly sensitive time in the lunar cycle for me, so I'm trying not to make any really brash decisions until next week, but I am leaning heavily toward cutting my dating roster down by two. But the other part of me worries, because MNB has been playing it SO cool that I can't even be sure he's hoping for things to go farther with me. And maybe I've been doing a decent job of playing it cool myself, and he has the same doubts. But maybe not. Would I regret dropping SG and CCG if things suddenly floundered with MNB? I don't know. I really don't.

So expect the entries this week to be a little lite on the dating action, and I'll try not to spend too much time belaboring my mental struggle. I've got to recharge and figure out what it is that I really think I should do next.

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