Thursday, June 22, 2006

Less Than Full-Disclosure

Dear LB,
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, June 22:

You're all about living large, but your big ideas are constrained by some real-life concerns. Just remind yourself that less is more, because it is. Self-restraint is key especially when it comes to money matters.

I’ve been promising myself all day that I would stay away from this particular blog, because nothing that I have to say is happy or constructive or about dating in any way, shape or form. I have tried rather diligently in the course of this blog to Stay on Topic and adhere to my Mission Statement of chronicling my dating adventures. And yet, the most pressing thing in my mind at the moment not only has nothing to do with boys or dating or love; it has the painful ability to take all attention off of such pleasant subjects and focus it entirely on gloom and doom and self-pity and fatalistic visions of my now-cloudy future.

I’m being vague and evasive for many reasons. One is that this blog isn’t about my career (unless, of course, it’s about meeting a boy at work). Another is that blogging about work tends to get people in trouble. A third is that I don’t want to defame myself or anyone else professionally with my over-emotional, usually romantically-centered ramblings. Those of you readers who actually know me will have to bear with me in my avoidance of concrete statements – because the real truth is that this is a situation deeply in flux and giving out the details to anyone who cares to listen isn’t going to get me anywhere.

I’m worried that this probable professional set-back is going to kill all of the fabulous romantic and social momentum that I’ve been building over recent months. The Mother made a very important point on the phone today: that I have a complete inability to work at something without putting my heart and soul into it. I care very deeply about whatever it is that I’m doing with my life, and take limitless pride in the fact that I can do it dependably and well. And somehow, out of the blue, my dedication and loyalty and generosity are being thrown back in my face. I am being spit upon and possibly stabbed in the back and I just hadn’t even conceived of the fact that the world could really work like this (outside of the entertainment industry at least). Isn’t one of the tenets of The American Dream the ability to achieve one’s goal if one just works hard enough and exhibits enough skill? Where did the merit-based system go?

But maybe all of this is just like the world of dating and mating. Maybe sometimes, things just dissolve, no matter how well you’ve behaved. Maybe sometimes you get dumped for someone younger or more attractive or more willing to laugh at bad jokes or more connected to people that can get passed the right velvet ropes. Maybe sometimes, you can’t control everything, even when you’re the biggest control freak ever to attempt to gain a firm hold over the uncertainties of life.

Maybe I’m just going to tell them all to go to Hell and I’ll move to Hawaii and swim with the dolphins and marry a big, jovial Samoan man and live off of coconuts and poi for the rest of my life.

Lyrics of the Day

"And if I'm wasting all your time, this time, maybe you never learned to take. And if I'm hanging on to your shade, I guess I'm way beyond the pale.” Tori Amos Doughnut Song

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