My Future Husband

I've been shunning the computer lately - I'm not really sure why. I just haven't felt up to writing or emailing or reading much of anything this past week. I go in cycles like this a little, sometimes I just need a break from staring at this screen.

I've also been taking a break from my social life lately. This past weekend was my very last weekend being on-call at my current job. I used this weekend as an excuse to do absolutely nothing. I didn't go out, I didn't see friends, I hardly even left my couch. I just didn't feel like it, and it was fairly nice to have a whole slew of Me Time. Included in Things I'm Taking A Break From Lately has been The Sister, much to her chagrin. She told me on Sunday, "I'm going through a 'oh no my sister is leaving me phase' and you're going through a 'I hate my sister phase'." I said that it wasn't her, it was me (ha ha) and that I was just feeling reclusive. I tried to meet her halfway by saying that we could catch a movie on Monday night, if she wanted to.

So Monday night rolls around and though we were greatly tempted to spend the night in the same manner that I spent my weekend, we mustered our energy and went out to a movie. The film ended at a decent hour, so we decided to run over to the bar across the street from my house afterward and grab a quick drink.

The bar by my house is a very strange, very Hollywood kind of bar. It's in this terrible neighborhood, in the bottom level of a hotel that is generally filled with drug-addicts, prostitutes and drug-addicted prostitutes, yet is somehow a ridiculously trendy bar that can charge $10 for a martini. The kicker is that the only sign outside is one of those neon jobs that says "Cocktails" and the bar's actual name is The Bar. That's LA for you.

The Sister and I rarely go to this bar, because of the above reasons (most notably the $10 drinks), but it was quick and easy on Monday night. Strangely enough, in true LA fashion, we ran into a guy that The Sister had met rock-climbing once and then had run into a couple of subsequent times around town. We ended up hanging out with Rockclimber and his buddy for a while and I have to admit, Rockclimber was pretty cute and charming. Aside from the fact that he's blonde (and I usually stick to the brunettes), he had a lot going for him and I was finding myself being vaguely interested. He's Austrian, funny, sweet, a registered nurse, a professional drummer and the owner of 2 dogs. I find it amusing that I was far more impressed by his being an RN than I was by his being a drummer. The Sister and I agreed that we would MySpace Rockclimber and he said he was having a party next month that we should come to. I invited him to my going-away party in turn and we headed on our merry way.

As soon as we left the bar The Sister said, "So he's pretty cool, right?" I agreed and she proceeded to tell me that when she met him she thought he was great, but a little too quirky for her taste, but that he would be perfect for me. It was pure coincidence that I even got the chance to meet him, but she said maybe it was all meant to be and that I was supposed to marry him.

Of course, I've no intention of trying to start something with someone less than two months before I say au revior to LA for good. But wouldn't that just be my luck?

Lyrics of the Day

"You had to know that I was fond of you, fond of y-o-u. So I took your lips at the time and to change like that is just so hard to do, hard to do." The Shins Turn on Me

Saving Grace

I'm a complete fool when it comes to going on dates with guys that I end up not being attracted to. If you've been reading here for any significant amount of time, you may have figured this out by now. I am completely weak when it comes to rejecting someone that I find to be funny, kind and intelligent but who I know is not the guy for me.

Case in point: Montana Guy.

We had a ton to talk about, what with going to the same college and growing up in the same area and even living in the same area in LA. He's very sweet and has interesting things to say and listens well in turn. But as I said before, I am absolutely not romantically interested in him. Seeing as how I wasn't sure that the "date" was a date in the first place, I felt fairly secure in saying that we should "hang out again sometime" and that would be read in a platonic fashion.

But now I'm not so sure.

He called me a couple days after the coffee date and I delayed calling him back because I was horrendously sick and I hate to talk to people when I'm sick (except my mama, because she always makes me feel better). We traded calls a few days later and eventually connected to discuss hanging out again. I may be paranoid here, but for some reason it sorta felt more like making arrangements for a Date this time, rather than the confusion that was going on before. Either way, we made plans to have drinks tomorrow night.

There once was a time that I vowed to stop going on dates that I didn't want to go on. Somewhere along this journey, I completely lost sight of that. I'm not saying that I don't want to meet Montana Guy for drinks tomorrow night - I just don't want it to be a date. Maybe in my future surroundings (wherever the wind may blow me), I'll be better at avoiding unwanted dates. Maybe not. I'm not so good with change here people.

At this point my saving grace is that fact that I'm leaving. It will allow me to avoid any possibility of having to reject Montana Guy, if he is in fact interested. It also allows for a graceful conclusion to my relationship with The Kid, which may not have happened otherwise. Further more it will allow The Sister and I some much needed apart time, we grow sick of each other far too quickly these days and we really could use the time apart.

In the coming weeks, it's going to be difficult for me to write about much of anything without bringing up my impending departure or speculating on what could lie ahead for me. I hope that you'll bear with me on this, because I'm thinking that the light holds some pretty fantastic stories at the end of this tunnel.

Lyrics of the Day

"I drank from a faucet and I kept my receipts for when they weigh me on my way out (Here nothing is free.)." Death Cab For Cutie Why You'd Want to Live Here

Leaving Los Angeles

I've been threatening this for months, dear readers, and I do not issue idle threats (well, except for the other times that I threatened this, which was pretty much constantly for the past 4 years or so). Although it is going to be the scariest thing that I've done in quite a long time (even scarier than internet dating!), I'm going to say goodbye to LA.

Today I gave notice at my job, though I'm not going to leave until the beginning of April. I wanted to give them 6 weeks notice so that they have ample time to find and train my replacement. This place has been incredibly good to me (for the most part) and I have no desire to walk out on them and leave them in the lurch. In two weeks I'm going to give notice at my apartment building, with the intention of being out of there no later than April 15 (though it'll probably be about the 9th or 10th when I actually leave). Hopefully in three or four weeks I'll know for certain where exactly I'm going to be travelling to for my first assignment.

Assignment you ask?

I don't think I've explained this to you, but here's how things are going to go: with my occupation, I can get a job with a company that works with travelling professionals. Basically the company has contacts all over the country and they send their employees to these sites to work temporary positions, generally for 13 weeks at a time. The company pays for travel, an apartment, weekly per diem allowances, car allowances, insurance and a 401K. I pay for anything extra and my cell phone bill. Yep, that's about it.

This is something that I've wanted to do ever since I found out that it was something that I could do, way back when I was still in school. I had planned on going almost immediately after my graduation, but I got hired on where I've been working and it was too valuable an opportunity to pass up. But I've finally grown far too weary of living here (and even more so, grown weary of missing out on what could be out there for me in the rest of the world) and I put my foot down and told myself that I need to get my ass in gear and get the hell out. So I'm getting my ass in gear.

I have no idea what the future will hold for me. I'm hoping that my theory about my dating problems being linked more to the population of men in Los Angeles than to my own issues and shortcomings will be proven true. I'm hoping that I'll fall in love with another town eventually and find myself a place to settle down and someone to settle down with (eventually). I'm hoping that I'll make enough money to pay off my crappy student loans in a timely fashion and finally be able to purchase a rental property and then a house of my own. I'm hoping that I'll learn more about my job and myself and the world as I travel around, being thrown into one completely unknown situation after another. And in between I hope to spend some time with my friends and family in Montana, travel to visit friends around the country and maybe even pop my head back into LA every so often to see the people that I love that will still live here.

Let the countdown begin!

Lyrics of the Day

"We'll blow away forever soon and go on to different lands. And please do not ever look for me, but with me you will stay and you will hear yourself in song blowing by one day." Suzanne Vega Gypsy

My Married Boyfriend

Did I get my Valentine's Day wish?

Nope.

I was called in to work at 1:30 am. So much for the belief that Cupid could be on my side. But it's Friday and I have a weekend off in front of me and a Game Night tonight with some wonderful girls, so I'm long past needing to complain about it too much.

Waaaaayyy back in September or so, I met a guy during football at Barney's. I could have sworn that I wrote a post referring to him, but I just can't seem to find it, and I've been looking for about the last 30 minutes, so maybe I only thought that I wrote it. Anyway...

We were in our customary Redskins corner and I met this extremely good-looking guy who was also a Redskins fan. (The customary greeting when meeting other Redskins fans is to ask whether they're from Maryland or Virginia, which is then followed by the long-ish story of how I, being from Montana, came to be a 'Skins fan.) He was intelligent, tall, sweet, funny and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me and hanging out with me. I even talked him into joining my crew and I as we journeyed over to Big Wangs for the Broncos game that day. It wasn't until we had been at Wangs for a while that The Sister happened to point out the Very Important thing I had been missing all day long:

The Wedding Ring

Being that I feel far too young to be married, and people tend to be single until they're much older in urban environments than in small towns I've never been one to look for the ring. I just assume that everyone else is single like I am and go about my merry way. Since this day, since I met this guy, I have begun to reform my ignorant ways - but that's not the point of this story.

After getting over my initial annoyance and disappointment, I let it go. That afternoon I think I ran off to flirt with The Kid (way back in the days when we were still playing cat and mouse with each other) and put the cute married guy out of my head. But the next week at Barney's, there he was - sweet and funny and just as happy to see me as he had been happy to hang out with me the week before. I started to realize that what I thought was flirting had really been a genuine interest in me as a person and a genuinely friendly nature which can be really hard to find.

I started to realize that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

We hung out every week, me with my Bailey's and him with his pints of Guinness. On many an occasion, he would stay and hang out for the Broncos game or accompany me to Wangs to watch it with my Broncos friends. I don't want you to get the wrong idea though - there were never any bad intentions on either part and never once was there any kind of romantic advance from either of us. At some point we exchanged phone numbers with the intention of one day getting some people together (including his wife) to go out for drinks sometime.

Over Christmas he was in DC for the last couple of 'Skins games and during those games we began text messaging each other at particularly good and particularly bad moments. I realized that I missed watching the games with him and hoped that we could watch the post-season at Barney's after the New Year.

Oops.

It was at this point that I realized that I was sort of in love with him. Even The Sister had to admit that he's pretty much the perfect guy for me - well, you know, except for that whole being-married thing. While realizing that this was a love that could never be expressed, could never come to fruition, it was good for me to at least admit that the feelings were hiding in there. The hardest moment for me came just after the New Year, when he called me to talk about the playoffs and to say that he was going to be out of town the whole time. I expressed my distress over this and said that we would have to find a way to get together as soon as he was back, because I was going to be leaving LA before summer. He said, "Wait, you're moving?" and I confirmed this. He then said, "But, you're cool," in the most heartbreakingly crestfallen voice imaginable. It melted my heart.

This friendship has continued to develop, though mostly over the phone as of late. The thing is, he lives in a completely different town that is about an hour away. He just comes down to LA to go to Barney's because he doesn't think any other sports bar can compare (and I'm not arguing with him there). I've begun referring to him as My Married Boyfriend, because it's a relationship that's really unlike any other that I've had before. It's hard to explain, but there's nothing improper about it at all. We just really connect.

The only thing that worries me is that I haven't met his wife yet. I feel like I could let go of any underlying guilt if I could just meet her and befriend her too - to really prove that, in the end, my intentions are noble. And they are. MMB is really the kind of person who is so worth having in my life that I will take him any way I can get him. Though if he wasn't married, I'm fairly convinced that we would have ended up together. These things happen though: you meet someone with whom you share a connection and that connection has no regard for the barriers or limitations that shape it.

The good thing about all of this is that I know if there's one guy out there like this, there must be more. Somewhere, hiding inside of all those little dots on the roadmap, there are men just waiting to meet someone like me. Men who aren't married or irreparably damaged or actors. And very soon, I'll be on my way to find them...

Lyrics of the Day

"You'll never know, dear just how much I loved you; you'll probably think this was just my big excuse, but I stand committed to a love that came before you and the fact that I adore you is but one of my truths." Ani DiFranco School Night

V-Day

I figured that since this blog is about dating and my love life (or frightening lack thereof), etc. that I should at least post something on this, most infamous of holidays: Valentine's Day.

In reality, I don't care all that much about Valentine's. I'm definitely not one of those people who gets horribly depressed by the lack of a date on this day. I'm also not one of those people who would stop speaking to a boyfriend over a lack of a gift on this day.

So what does Valentine's Day have me thinking about this year?

Aside from the almost obligatory mental rehashings of past V-Days, which leads to mental rehashings of past relationships, which leads to various levels of agony and/or mortification over past relationship choices, which leads to a vague curiosity about the whereabouts of particular ex-boyfriends...

Wait, where was I again?

What's actually on my mind today is that fact that I'm sick. I've been sick mostly since Friday and despite a trip to the doctor on Monday, I seem to be distressingly slow getting back on my feet. I took Monday afternoon and the whole of yesterday off of work (which is completely out of character for me) to try to get better, and today I still feel like crap. Of course, getting called into work at 3:00 am this morning didn't help.

What I really, truly want for Valentine's Day this year is some sleep. I want a quiet evening in front of my TV, followed by at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Do you think Cupid will grant my Valentine's Day wish?

Lyrics of the Day

"Hey, are you as lonesome as I am and can we talk about it? I'm sorry if I woke you up again, I know how you love sleepin'." Best Kissers in the World You Love Sleepin'

Wait a Second Here...

I just got home from The Kid's house.

I know. I have no idea what happened.

I had completely written him off. I was coming to terms with the rejection (albeit rather begrudgingly) and the only thing I was really worrying about was whether or not he was going to show up at my friend Brussel's birthday party next month. I was sitting on my sofa (where I pretty much spent the entire day yesterday), watching the Pro Bowl and text messaging My Married Boyfriend.

(I tried to write a post about My Married Boyfriend yesterday, but the computer ate it. I will explain that whole thing tomorrow.)

MMB and I were talking about Pro Bowl groupies and I had just sent him a reply to his last message. I heard my text message ring tone almost immediately after I closed the phone. I opened it back up, anticipating a reply from MMB.

I was so shocked that my heart nearly stopped beating. I saw The Kid's name above the message, "watcha doin tonight".

I tried to call The Sister for guidance, but she didn't pick up. I realized that I was going to have to figure this out all by myself, like a Big Girl. So I did. I decided that whatever had happened this week, The Kid must have realized that having sex with a cute girl is better than not having sex with a cute girl. When I finally did talk to The Sister, she said maybe he was trying to prove some sort of point after I was bratty to him last Sunday. Or maybe he just did a total guy thing and forgot to text me back (though that seems fairly unlikely). Either way, I know that I had been quite pessimistic about facing at 2+ month dry spell and I decided that I didn't care enough about all my paranoid agonizing this week to keep me from continuing to hang out with him.

So I said to hell with it all and went over to his place last night. And you know what? It was normal, as if nothing had ever happened. So maybe nothing did. Maybe I made the whole thing up in my head. Or not. But it was actually a fairly perfect evening: we drank some wine, ate some potato chips, watched some Tenacious D episodes and then had some pretty dang good sex.

Lyrics of the Day

"What's your favorite posish? That's cool with me, it's not my favorite but I'll do it for you. What's your favorite dish? I'm not gonna cook it, but I'll order it from Zanzibar. And then I'm gonna love you completely." Tenacious D Fuck Her Gently

Intuition

Throughout my romantic life, there have been times where I've suddenly started reacting differently to the guy that I've been seeing. This is hard to explain. When it happens it feels like everything was normal, but all of the sudden I start to feel unsteady and insecure and thrown off kilter. At first, I don't know what's going on, and the people around me think I'm being a chick and being irrational and starting to get clingy and co-dependent. But these things are not in my nature - I would never normally behave this way.

Over time, I've begun to realize that I'm extremely sensitive to the actions and behaviors of others. It's not that I suddenly begin acting differently toward my significant other (or the guy I'm dating or sleeping with, or whatever), it's that they've begun acting differently toward me.

Sometimes this shift would be completely imperceptible to someone else or to anyone outside of the situation. Sometimes this shift is highly noticeable and it's a no-brainer. Either way, something changes and it usually signals the beginning of the end.

With the Speed Freak, it was pretty much there from about the end of Month One until the end of the relationship, though it ebbed and surged at different times throughout the relationship. With The Ex, I remember the exact moment that I noticed that something was wrong, though it took me weeks to realize what it all really meant. With Irish, it was the way he talked to me on the phone the day before our first (and only) date.

With The Kid, it sorta started with that seductive, yet slightly romantic text message last week. It began to solidify with the scheduling snafu that occurred on Saturday night (though I take some of the blame for that since it was the first time I actually tried to plan seeing him in advance). And of course, the kicker was the unanswered text message response that I sent him on Monday afternoon.

I consulted The Sister about it, before I fully realized that he was blowing me off. I was bitching about the Saturday scheduling and the fact that he didn't reply to my Monday text. She said, "You know, I think you're starting to treat him like he's your boyfriend or like he owes you something, but he doesn't." I thought, at the time, that maybe she had a point. Maybe I was adjusting in the wrong direction to the relationship and I needed to force myself to chill back out. But it was when I texted him "You busy tonight?" on Wednesday and never received a response that I realized I had been reacting to a subtle shift in his behavior. If he had remained chill and casual about the whole thing, while still maintaining the level of interaction that we had glided into, I would've remained calm as well. You see, this is the first time he's ever not responded to a text from me.

Now here's my disclaimer: I am not heartbroken about this. I did not get emotionally involved in this situation. If it is truly and completely over (and I'm fairly sure that it is), that's fine. But I really do feel a certain amount of indignation. Remember those rules that I was talking about a few posts ago? As Constant Dater states them, they apply only before you've slept with someone. If I had been the one to end the arrangement, I would have done so verbally. And you know that I'm telling the truth, because that's how I've dealt with every dating relationship that I've chronicled in this forum.

So here I am, again, begging for your advice. Don't I deserve a concrete answer? Can I text him or call him one more time, just to have the closure that I need? Because emotional involvement or no, I cannot stand being left in suspense.

Lyrics of the Day

"I've been sitting up waiting for my sugar to show; I've been listening to the sirens and the radio. He said he'd be over three hours ago, I've been waiting for his car on the hill." Joni Mitchell Car on a Hill

The Silent Treatment

I can't go into this in depth right now, as I'm nearly out of time, but I just needed to bitch to somebody about this...

I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing The Kid again.

He did not respond to my last 2 test messages (one of which was a response to a text he sent me), and it's the first time that's ever happened.

When you've been having sex with someone on a semi-regular basis for nearly two months (even if it is casual, no-strings-attached sex) and you suddenly decide that you don't want to do it anymore, isn't it common courtesy to let them know about it? Shouldn't he at least say to me, "Hey, this has been fun but it's just not working for me anymore."

Or am I asking too much?

And is there anything I can do about it? Should I reach out one last time, or should I let it go? You see, we were sorta friends first. We have an entire group of mutual friends. I could never behave normally in a social situation if I hadn't talked to him again after this. *sigh*

Damn. I knew this was coming. But that too is a post for another day. Tomorrow perhaps...

Lyrics of the Day

"We told you all of our secrets, all but one and don't you even try; the phone has been disconnected." Tori Amos Mother

Only the Lonely

Something is wrong with me.

All of the sudden, I don't feel so much like myself anymore.

I don't know when this all started, but I started noticing it on last Thursday, as I read a bunch of amazing poems written by other bloggers out there in the blogosphere. At first, it was just a tingle in the back of my brain. Then it became something more concrete, but still something that I felt would pass. But yesterday I took the day off of work and during the hours that I spent on my couch, recovering from Super Bowl Sunday and catching up on my TV shows, this feeling became pervasive. I'm not even sure I can bring myself to say it out loud. But admission of a problem is the first step to solving it, right?

I want to fall in love.

Holy crap. That sounds even worse now that I've written it than I thought it would.

I'm trying to figure out how to say what it is that I'm really feeling here, because the words all seem so inadequate or ill-fitted for what's going on in my head and in my heart. It's a little like loneliness, but not really, because I'm not actually lonely. I'm realizing that it's been nearly 2 years since my last relationship, since I even had the possibility of love, and that's a pretty depressing thought.

In the past five and a half (good lord that sounds like such a freaking long time) years that I've spent living in Los Angeles, I've only felt a real spark 3 times. The fact that all of those times worked out very poorly for me causes me to wonder: is my radar completely off? Am I, in fact, only capable of feeling the spark with guys that are completely wrong for me and/or could never truly be in a relationship with me?

Is it a better sign, or a worse one that each progressive relationship has gotten shorter and shorter?

There was the Speed Freak, who lasted just over a year (although that doesn't count the stupid number of times that we broke up and got back together). There was The Ex, who lasted less than three months, but whose ghost still haunts the back of my mind nearly two years later. Finally, there was Irish, who you all know about from the sad events that I chronicled here. He lasted 3 days, I think.

All this pining and wanting and almost-but-not-quite-and-I-certainly-won't-admit-to-it loneliness seem a moot point too. Because I know deep down in my little heart of hearts that there is no Prince Charming waiting for me in the City of Angels. There just isn't. And it's not that part that bothers me. It's just the waiting - the limbo.

All of this, and this whole thing with The Kid is starting to wear on me. But that's a longer discussion for a different day. Or later tonight, depending on how my afternoon / evening go...

Lyrics of the Day

"When I was young, I never needed anyone and making love was just for fun. Those days are gone." Eric Carmen All By Myself

Shock Me, Shock Me, Shock Me

I've been meaning to write this post since last Thursday, but the end of the week just got too busy for me and I didn't get around to it.

Wednesday night, I actually met Montana Guy for coffee.

It was pretty much exactly what I thought it was going to be: he was very sweet, I wasn't attracted to him, we had a really nice conversation. I would absolutely hang out with him again, but it's not going to go in a romantic direction. Plus, strangely enough, I'm pretty sure that I've met him before. The more that I looked at him, the more familiar he became. I know of at least one function/event thing that we both attended (way the heck back in 2002) and it's quite possible that we met there.

The bottom line is that it was a lot of build up for no good reason. Had I been actually excited about the date, this would be a different story. But, alas - no sparks, no fireworks, no making googly-eyes at each other across the table.

Over the weekend, I dropped by the wine bar where The Sister works for a drink. I was sitting there, chatting with the bartender when I see 3 pretty cute boys walk up behind me. I decide to eavesdrop for a few minutes, because I am a world-class eavesdropper. I hear the particularly cute guy talking about being from Colorado and I think, Hey! Maybe we've got a winner here, maybe I should hit on him, until I hear him mention the next thing - and is anybody really surprised at this point when I say...

Actor. He was an actor.

Why? Because they're all actors. Because nobody in Los Angeles seems to be of the normal, non-actor-y persuasion. It gets more and more exhausting, every time I think about it.

This week, I'm sending out my resume...

Lyrics of the Day

"Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth and I don't know how they got out, dear. Turn me back into the pet I was when we met, I was happier then with no mindset." The Shins New Slang

Coming Clean

What do you do when the person that you are sleeping with sends you a provocative, yet slightly romantic text message?

I know that I've been doing the Boot Scootin' Boogie around the issue of my relationship with The Kid, and I haven't been doing it accidentally. There are two main reasons for this: One is that I'm slightly ashamed of the fact that I'm involved with him at all, being that he's both an actor and younger than I am, a fact that I've harped on more than once in this forum. The second is that, intentionally or unintentionally, somewhere along the way I decided that I was going to try to keep this blog more in the PG rating of things. But as of late I've realized that I'm not writing the blog that I want to be writing. It's not that I haven't loved writing everything that I've written here - it's just that I've been holding back a lot, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it anymore.

There are details that I just want to share - because, well as I said, I'm a fan of TMI. I like saying the things that not everyone else would say, discussing topics that some people may find less than savory. So I guess this is a bit of a disclaimer: things are about to get just a little more revealing around here and there may be a Bad Word thrown in here and there and that's just how it's going to be.

A girl can only be good for so long.

Which brings me back to the initial question: should I or should I not be worried that The Kid sent me a text today referencing the beauty of my hair?

Many people don't necessarily approve of the idea of casual sex. Many people can't compartmentalize enough to believe that it's possible to have an honest and healthy sexual relationship without any real feelings involved. I am not one of those people. For as long as I can remember (or at least since I discovered my very healthy libido - though that was fairly late in my life, developmentally speaking), I've wanted a Buddy of this sort. I have always been fairly sure of my ability to handle this type of relationship and especially longed for one in the long days in between boyfriends when I had no form of relief outside of myself. But it had always eluded me until now.

When The Kid and I first hooked up, way back at that ugly Christmas sweater party, a brief conversation was had concerning the nature of our interaction. It was understood that neither of us was looking to turn this into an actual Relationship, but that we were both up for "hanging out" on a semi-regular basis. In practice, this has been working very well. But every once in a while, I get paranoid and girly-over-analytical and I start worrying that he's got feelings for me. I'm not saying that it would be the most horrifying thing in the world or that I don't care about him at all, because I do. We were friends first and he's a sweet guy and I do enjoy the time I spend hanging out with him (even when we're not actually having sex). It's just that I'm extremely happy with the way things are right now and part of me is scared to death that something is going to screw it up and I'm going to have another Mojave Desert sized dry spell like the one that The Kid just helped end.

Everyone I've talked to (though that's not a ton of people), including my therapist (Did I ever mention that I see one of those? I don't think that I did, but I do, albeit rather occasionally right now since I've felt so good for so long.) thinks that the relationship with The Kid is actually a good thing for me and that I need to resist the urge to over-analyze or over-worry it. They're right, I know this. I know that, in reality, I never have to address whether or not The Kid develops feelings for me unless he actually comes out and says something to me. But there's still that little bit of me that keeps the fear alive in the very very back of my brain.

Phew!

I really feel a lot better. I had been sort of dying to get that all out there. I'm not one that's ever been any good at holding back and I was pretty close to exploding with the "secret" of what was going on this whole time. Sometimes I just want to share, I want to spill everything or somethings or even one thing and I haven't been allowing myself to.

Lyrics of the Day

"Your gun went off. Well you shot off your mouth and look where it got you. My mouth runs on too. " Modest Mouse The View