That Lovin' Feeling

I feel like I didn't do my relationship justice with my last post. I was so preoccupied with explaining that what we have is for real, but that I haven't had the easiest time in the world allowing myself to be loved and be in a relationship that I downplayed how wonderful it (and He, Prince Charming) is.

The truth of it is, I'm still in a state of disbelief. I have to look at Prince Charming, at least once each time we're together, and tell myself - remind myself that it's real. I have to remind myself that it's not impossible that I met someone that I could see spending the rest of my life with. I have to remind myself that I am, for the first time in my entire life, really and truly loved.

It's the most amazing thing in the entire world.

Lyrics of the Day

"I've been wishing on a star but I could never have imagined that I could land just where you are, after all this lonesome traveling." Teitur One and Only

Getting to Know You

When I look back on my relationship with Prince Charming thus far, especially the earliest days, I find it amazing that we've gotten to know each other so well. I find it even more amazing that PC hasn't run the other direction screaming yet, and at times I feel like I've given him ample reason to do so.

I always thought, in my oh-so-many days of Singledom, that I would be the coolest girlfriend ever. I'm laid-back, I'm not jealous, I like sports, I don't have any hang-ups about pornography, etcetera, etcetera. And while all of these things are reasons that I could be a very cool girlfriend, it turns out that none of that is really what it's about or what it's supposed to be about. I didn't really realize what I was getting into (though I wouldn't trade it for the world). It seems that I got far too used to being single and being on my own and not having my behavior or moods have much effect on anyone else's life, but being in a committed, heading-towards-forever relationship is a much different situation than I've ever found myself in before.

During the 10 days that PC was with me in Montana, I found that you just can't hide anything anymore when you're working your way toward living with someone. You can't pretend that your body is miraculously hairless every day - if you need to shave, the person that you're spending every waking and sleeping minute with is going to know about it. If you have a runny nose and can't force yourself to get out of bed, you can't hide from your significant other - you've got to allow them to suffer through it with you. If you're in a hopelessly black mood, there's just no hiding that from a man who pays the utmost attention to what you do and say. As a person who has a hard time admitting any type of weakness (even to myself), this is proving to be a difficult, though somewhat liberating, adjustment. And when I did have moments of hysteria in Montana (managing to misplace my wallet when I could have sworn that I should have it with me), I couldn't hide my frighteningly stressy side - PC got to see that along with the rest. But throughout the trip, my Prince Charming was unfailingly loving, understanding and tolerant.

All of these things that we experienced on a small scale in Montana, Prince Charming and I have been experiencing in an even more real way over the past six weeks. When, just before the end of Prince Charming's visit to Montana, I finally got the call finalizing my job in San Francisco I was really excited. Though San Fran is a good 5 to 5 1/2 hours from LA, I knew that PC and I would work out a way to see each other as much as possible. I was also excited about the prospect of spending three months in such an interesting and beautiful city. I knew that PC and I would be able to explore it together. And we have, we have managed to see each other every single weekend since I got to San Fran, which has been ever more eye-opening for me.

There is so much stuff that is wonderful: walking across the Golden Gate Bridge together, sleeping in the same bed on a regular basis, cooking in, eating out, watching football together, walking all over my neighborhood, checking out local dive bars. But there are things that have been tough too: my need to decompress at the end of the day and have a bit of space to myself, getting used to PC's less-than-compulsive tidiness / cleaning habits (not that I'm the tidiest person in the world myself - it's just that when I grab the tub of margarine out of the fridge and get margarine all over my hand, I know that I'm not the last one who used it), dealing with the conflict of wanting to share everything with PC but still needing to have some measure of privacy (including this blog, but that is a post for later), trying not to take any bad moods out on each other. But this is what it is, what it's supposed to be. We're building a relationship - a real, lasting, workable relationship - not some fantasy based on infatuation like everything else that I've ever experienced. And through all of it: the good, the great and the not-so-perfect, I've never begun to doubt that I love him or that he loves me. And that is really the most amazing thing of all.

Lyrics of the Day

"Is your figure less than Greek, is your mouth a little weak? When you open it to speak are you smart? But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me. Stay little Valentine, stay. Each day is Valentine's Day." My Funny Valentine Frank Sinatra

Meet the Parents

Although PC had briefly met The Mother at my going away party (those mere three days after we met), TM had been largely unable to form a true opinion about him. But when contemplating PC's imminent arrival in Bozeman in August, The Mother's opinion was not what was eating away at my mind. It was the introduction to The Father.

My father is just a bit scary. Not the Meet-The-Boyfriend-At-The-Front-Door-With-A-Shotgun scary, but he's got a very intimidating presence. He tends to sit back and watch and listen and he doesn't offer up his own voice very often. To a young man courting his daughter, that silence can come off as down-right menacing. I had more than one pre-pubescent suitor quake in his shoes upon visiting my family's house for the first time. In high school I avoided the situation as much as possible and there was no way in HELL that I would have introduced the Speed Freak to my father. I did make the mistake of introducing The Ex to my parents - a mistake because I still believed that I was in a relationship that was going somewhere at that time and The Ex had already decided that it wasn't. It just took me about three more weeks to figure that out. The point is: meeting my dad is a big deal. A HUGE deal really, and I was just a bit nervous of how it would work when Prince Charming finally made it to Montana. I was actually more nervous that PC would be put off by The Father than I was of it being the other way around - PC tends to make an almost universally good first impression.

I never should have worried. Of course, I couldn't have expected it to work out quite so well as it did. Seriously folks, in the end I think if I didn't marry Prince Charming my family would disinherit me.

The Father took to PC like he's never really taken to anyone before. The Father obviously warmed to PC quickly and engaged him in far more conversation than I would have expected. And Prince Charming did the same in return. If I analyze it, I'd have to say that PC's father has always been very hard on him and I think has maintained a largely disapproving attitude toward his son and I think that Prince Charming was nearly overjoyed to have a male presence that was both friendly and accepting. It was touching, really. And I think that The Father began to realize that, although he never had sons of his own, he could gain surrogate sons by marrying off his daughters.

Now that PC is pretty much one of the immediate family, there are very few hurdles left to scale before he's given full and complete approval. This is jumping ahead in the story a bit, but the most important of the final hurdles is about to be jumped this weekend: I'm taking Prince Charming to Bakersfield on Saturday to meet my Grandfather.

Lyrics of the Day

"Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by, and we fly just like birds of a feather - I won't tell no lie. All of the people around us, they say, 'Can they be that close?' Just let me state for the record, we're giving love in a family dose." Sister Sledge We Are Family

All Apologies

Oh, ever faithful readers (if there are, in fact, any of you left), I have been remiss in my bloggerly duties for far too long. It first started as just a few days during which I didn't have time to write, then grew into weeks and finally into hulking, guilt-inducing months of silence that intimidated me into ever further silence. But a wake-up call from a good friend and secretly-faithful reader reminded me that I have stories to tell that need to be told and should be read and here I am again to share them with you. My most sincere apologies for the disappearing act, I promise never to leave you so in-the-lurch without announcement again. The largest problem that I now face is how in the hell I can catch you all up on the events of the past months. It may be hurried or it may turn into a rambling, incoherent jumble of sentences but somehow, someway I will eventually manage to bring us all up to speed with current events.

Let's start somewhere around where we left off. I had returned from the all-too-brief wedding weekend with Prince Charming to slog through my final two weeks in Baltimore. And slog through I did, finally managing to pack up all of my earthly belongings into two suitcases and a huge box for shipping, boarding a poorly-booked flight home to Montana and landing back on my home turf late Saturday night, July 28. I spent the following days sleeping off my traveling exhaustion, hanging with my folks and doing nothing more than wishing that Prince Charming was already there, in Bozeman, with me. Being with my family again made me acutely aware that I really wanted PC to be with my family, a part of my family, my own chosen family.

There is no way that I can detail the entire ten, blissful days of togetherness. It would be too exhaustive, too repetitive and too difficult to dredge from my memory at this point. But suffice to say that we did everything we could possibly do and we had an amazing time. We did the Sweet Pea Festival with my family and with Red, who was also visiting. We floated the Madison River (basically you sit in an inner tube on a river, drink some beer and float on down it - if I've never described that before), spent a few days at my cabin, met endless numbers of friends and family and got really, really used to being together. Not to say that everything was 100% perfect - there were little bumps (caused mostly by my moods or poor stress-handling skills), but we navigated them fairly easily - especially considering that the anniversary we celebrated (with mimosas in the mountains) was only our four month.

Throughout most of our time in Montana, the future of the geography of our relationship was still in question. I had yet to hear word on any suitable jobs, and I was beginning to despair that I had been too narrow in my demands. But I had decided fairly early on that I needed to be back in California once I was done in Baltimore - not just to be near Prince Charming because I hated being so far away, but also to see if our relationship would weather being together as well as it had weathered being apart. It was the Friday before PC left that I finally heard on a job that sounded good and I accepted. Then I prepared to leave that following Thursday for my new place of residence and employment: San Francisco.

Lyrics of the Day

"Now are you gonna love me? Are you gonna fight for me? Promise that you'll never, ever leave me please." Aaron Espe Settling

The Wedding Weekend

The wedding was amazing. Although the time was far, far too short - every minute of it was worth it. Even the catastrophic way in which the weekend ended...

Everything went perfectly with my flights to Des Moines. I made it safely onto the hotel shuttle and Prince Charming (with his infinitely useful hotel experience) ensured my early check-in to our room so that I could get myself family/friends/wedding ready. I took my time getting ready, since I had over 2 hours to do it. While I was still in the process, PC was able to sneak away for a few minutes to come see me, which was wonderful. He then had to run back over to where the wedding party was for photos and I kept getting ready. The plan was for him to come back over to the hotel after pictures to meet up with me and his family, make the introductions and walk us over to the church.

Just before noon (the ceremony started at 1), PC called to tell me that his dad, stepmom, and sisters (one step, one half) were outside the hotel and wondering if they could come up to our room to brush teeth and freshen up after their drive over from Dubuque. Not wanting to be rude, but horrifyingly nervous of meeting the fam by myself and with little warning, I asked him to have them give me 10 minutes to finish getting ready and then they were welcome to come use the room. Despite my reservations and nervousness, Prince Charming's family was really great. His stepmom was extremely friendly and welcoming and it made the whole thing much more comfortable than it could have been. We all ended up walking over to the church together and I sat between his dad and stepmom during the ceremony. It was, just like everything else between PC and I, surprisingly easy.

The ceremony was gorgeous, though it was a Catholic ceremony, so it was a little too formal and structured for me. The bride was absolutely gorgeous and Prince Charming was breath-taking in his tux. There was a long gap in between the ceremony and the reception, during which I tried to take a nap and then PC and I got to spend a bit of alone-time together. I hadn't really considered how hard it would be to be the date of the Best Man, but there was a pretty large demand on his time - which of course I was cool with - it was his best friend's wedding after all. But once the reception got swinging, we had the greatest time. I sat with his family at a table, because PC was seated at the wedding party table for the beginning of the festivities. I actually had a lot of fun with them. I won over his stepsister (who is 20 or 21) by complimenting her shoes and we got along really well. I made good conversation with his dad and stepmom and just really enjoyed myself. Once PC's formal duties were over, we were finally able to really spend some time together.

We had a blast. I loved being in his world: meeting his family, his friends, seeing him in his element. And here's the kicker: I caught the bouquet. Yep, that's right. I totally caught the bouquet. Prince Charming and I had actually talked about it a little - he was hoping that I would catch it, but I told him that I was not going to embarrass myself and fight for it. I dragged PC's stepsister up with me and we stood demurely in the back. The bride through the freaking thing right to me. She launched it backward toward the crowd of single girls (it was a huge reception, so there had to have been at least 30 or 40 girls up there) and it just flew right toward me. I reached up and grabbed it and just stared at it - I was so shocked! But I was totally pleased too. As completely dorky as it sounds - I really think that things (actually, we both think this) with Prince Charming were meant to be, and it's things like this that just back-up that belief.

For the rest of the night we socialized and had a little wine and danced (I am a notoriously bad dancer, but somehow magically, I can dance with Prince Charming. It's inexplicable.). We had an amazing time. The night went too fast, as did the following morning, when we slept in and then ordered room service and ate it in bed. We had lunch with his family and then we went to the airport together. My plane was supposed to leave about half an hour before his, and we both cried when we said goodbye. Every time we see each other, it gets more amazing. And every time we have to say goodbye it gets harder. Every day that we're apart gets harder. I never knew that I could love anyone so much.

It was after I boarded my plane that everything went to hell. At the time that we were supposed to take off, we got word from the pilot that there was too much traffic in Chicago, my connection city, and that we were delayed. We ended up sitting on the runway in Des Moines for an hour and a half - long enough for me to miss my connection to Baltimore. They couldn't get me out until 2pm the next day, so I spent the night in a cheesy airport hotel and had to miss work on Monday. I was exhausted and stressed and there was just nothing I could do about it.

I finally got back to Baltimore after 6pm on Monday night. My journey home had put a bit of a tarnish on the sparkle of the wonderful time that I had with Prince Charming, but at least I had made it back in one piece. And I knew that no matter how hard the next two weeks (my final two weeks in Baltimore) were going to be, they would pass and then on August 2 I would be with PC again - in Montana, for 10 whole days.

Lyrics of the Day

"Way down below there's a half a million people, somewhere there's a church with a big tall steeple. Inside the church, there's an altar filled with flowers, wedding bells are ringin' and they should've been ours." Johnny Rivers Mountain of Love

Wedding Bells

This weekend there will be wedding bells.

Of course I'm not that crazy! They won't be my wedding bells. This weekend I'm meeting Prince Charming in Des Moines, Iowa for his best friend's wedding. PC is the Best Man, and you better believe that I'm salivating at the thought of him in a tux. I'm so antsy and impatient to see PC after this nearly four-week separation that this week has been crawling by. I'm not even sure if it's crawling - it's more like I'm shoving it along as it digs in its heels.

I've never had a date at a wedding before. Someone to dance with at the reception and get teary-eyed with during the vows. It's such a romantic idea, I just can't wait.

Until that moment that I finally see my Prince Charming again, I feel like I'm merely biding my time. The job that brought me to Baltimore has gotten increasingly wearying and although I still have fun with my friends that work here with me, I'm literally counting days and hours until the wedding and then again until I'll be on a plane back to Montana for my vacation. Oh! And did I mention that I'm meeting family this weekend?! Saturday I'll be meeting PC's dad and stepmom, and possibly his half sister (though I'm not sure she'll be there). I'm nervous and excited and all I can hope is that I make a good first impression. Family is of immense importance to me and I couldn't live with his family not approving of me. Of course, PC assures me that everyone he's ever known will absolutely love me. I sure hope that he's right!

Lyrics of the Day

"Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. Gee I really love you and we're gonna get married. Going to the chapel of love." The Dixie Cups Chapel of Love

Doubting Thomas

As I said in my previous post, I sometimes feel like I need to justify my relationship because it has been such a short time. And Government Peon drove that point home in her comment on my post. I know that's how these stories usually work out. I do. (And I definitely don't begrudge GP for sharing, it's really the most common outcome of something like this.) I know that I sound naive and starry-eyed and that half (at the least) of my audience has got to be waiting for this to crash and burn. But it won't.

When I was growing up, The Sister and I used to go down the street to visit some neighbors of ours all the time. They were an old couple (in their early 70's at the time I think) and the wife made dolls and they never had any grandchildren so they fed us cookies and doted on us. They had been married for 30-some-odd years and were still wildly in love with each other. The best part of the story was that the husband proposed to his wife within a couple weeks of their meeting and they were married within three months of knowing each other. And they made each other happy for as long as they were together.

If all of this was taking place 50 years ago and Prince Charming asked me to marry him tomorrow, everyone would breathe a collective sigh of relief that I wasn't going to end up the sad, pathetic spinster of the family. But it's just not socially acceptable anymore to marry someone so quickly after meeting them. The standards by which relationships are measured have reached such a strange paradox in our society - it's a wonder that anyone gets married at all anymore. One the one hand: you don't want to settle, so you're always supposed to be looking for the "better" mate (more attractive, more compatible, more intelligent, wealthier). On the other hand, even if you find the "better" mate, if you're not perfectly happy all the time, you can just go ahead and flush the whole thing down the toilet, because why work at anything at all?

That's not how I feel about marriage, and it's not how Prince Charming feels about it either. I think what's important is that you find someone that you can love and that makes you happy and then you just make that decision to be together and to make it work. It won't always be peaches and cream and hearts and teddy bears. It won't always be easy, but there will always be love and there will always be a reason to keep going.

Now I know that I've stepped up on my soapbox, but I guess that it's hard for me to be honest with people about where I'm headed with Prince Charming for this very reason: I feel as if I need to defend what I feel and what I know in my heart. And I will defend it for as long as I need to, because it's worth defending. But years down the road, people will be able to look at Prince Charming and I and tell our story as an example of one of those times when everything that should have gone wrong went right.

Lyrics of the Day

"Give me an answer, fill in a form: mine forever more. Will you still need me? Will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?" The Beatles When I'm Sixty-Four

The Truth of It All

Pardon my absence, I just don't know where the time goes these days. Not sitting in front of the computer at work makes it much more difficult to keep up with blogging the way that I should.

When I said that weekend in Los Angeles was monumental, I wasn't just talking about the fact that Prince Charming and I said, "I love you." There was more to it than that. I hinted at it when I mentioned the comment he made to his friend about marrying me. That seemed like an off-hand sort of comment at the time , but the truth of it is...

We really are going to get married. And have babies. Starting tomorrow.

Okay, I'm kidding about the tomorrow part, but only about that. Obviously Prince Charming and I realize that we still have more getting-to-know-you stuff to do, and we do think that we should live together before we get married - but at this point we just know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Does that sound as huge to you guys as it does to me?

Part of me feels like I need to justify the relationship; explain how it is that we can be so sure about a relationship that is still so new and one that has taken place almost exclusively over the phone. But the other part of me just knows, just loves Prince Charming so much that nothing anyone could think or say could ever matter. It seems most crazy to me (well, to both of us really) that today is our three-month anniversary. It feels like we've been together longer, in a good way. At this point, we're talking for hours every day. We wake each other up in the morning and tell each other goodnight as we go to bed. Sometimes I'm going to bed as he's just going to work and he's going to bed as I'm getting ready in the morning, but that won't have to be the case for much longer. In three weeks I'll be leaving Baltimore for a much-needed three week vacation in Montana. And PC is coming to stay with me for 10 days - which is longer than we've ever spent together at one time. But every minute that we have spent together has just made our feelings stronger, has just made us want to spend even more time together. I have no idea how it could have happened like this, but I found The One. As strange as this is to say on what's supposed to be a dating blog - I'll never date again. I've meet the man of my dreams and the man that I'm supposed to marry and I've never been happier. I've never felt this way about anyone in my entire life and I've never been loved like this. It's the most amazing thing in the entire world.

Lyrics of the Day

"You said you found her and you would make her your bride, stand by her till you die. And your tender eyes, they'll glisten with pride and your smile so satisfied." Maria Taylor Hitched!

Those Three Little Words

I was jittery and impatient all day last Thursday before I left for LA. The hours simply couldn't pass fast enough to make me happy. I slept fitfully on the plane - but at least I did have a little nap before the evening's festivities. Red picked me up at LAX and we arrived at The Sister's party just after 10 pm. It was really sensory overload for me, being back in LA and suddenly being in such a chaotic social situation. And all the while I was counting the minutes, the seconds even, until Prince Charming would be off of work and finally with me again.

It was almost like the kind of magic I felt the first night that we met, seeing him in the flesh again after almost five weeks apart apart. Just being able to kiss him and touch him and feel his arms around me again was like coming home. And almost as heart-warming as this was The Sister's reception of PC - she hugged him and greeted him as if she was as happy to see him as I was. The Sister has never been like that with anyone I've dated. Often she hates them altogether, or is at the most grudgingly accepting. But this is so different, the way she just let PC in, I'm still amazed.

Prince Charming and I ended up DDing people that night and didn't get back to his house until after 4 am. And all night the words just wanted to slip out of my mouth. Earlier in the night when PC related a story to me about talking to a coworker that night, he told me that he said, "I'm going to marry this girl." Instead of freaking out and wanting to run in the face of commitment, like I usually want to, my heart melted. I was so ecstatically happy to hear that, I was floating on air.

When we finally got back to his place and made up for lost time, it almost felt like we had never been apart. Afterward, I lay there looking ar him and I just couldn't do it - I couldn't hold myself back and I said to him, "I am so in love with you." Out-load. I said it. And I meant it in a way that I have never meant it before. And Prince Charming told me that he loved me too and had been wanting to say it for almost two weeks and it was like our own little fairytale right there as the sun was rising and the birds were singing outside the bedroom window.

Lyrics of the Day

" I, I'm so in love with you. Whatever you want to do is all right with me, 'cause you make me feel so brand new and I want to spend my life with you." Al Green Let's Stay Together

Monumental

I told you all that I thought that this weekend would be monumental.

It was.

I'm still far from recovered from the lack of sleep, so I just can't bring myself to give the full details at the moment, but I promise that details are forthcoming. I should warn you though - you may need to bring your Pepto-Bismol, lest you be too nauseated by what I have to gush about...

The Day After Tomorrow

In 48 hours, I will be on the plane to Los Angeles. In 52 hours I will be landing at LAX where Red will be waiting to pick me up and take me to The Sister's going away party at Bodega Santa Monica. In 54 to 55 hours, I will be in the arms of Prince Charming, thanking all the powers-that-be that these 5 long weeks are over.

Tomorrow night I'll be packing my bags and hoping that I won't be too excited or impatient to sleep. Then I'll just have to suffer through one more day of work before I am on my way.

I have a feeling that this weekend could be rather monumental. Things may be said and things will be discussed. Lost time will most definitely be made up for. Friends will be introduced and hopefully approvals will be given. (After several relationship follies, I've learned to trust the input of others - not expressly, but it is always a good sign when your friends like your boyfriend.) Good lord I can't wait for these 55 hours to pass.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm tired of calling you and missing you and dreaming that I've slept with you - don't get me wrong I still desperately love you." Teitur I Was Just Thinking

The Tip of My Tongue

Much of my (possibly now-former) commitment-phobia has been due to the petrifying fear of having my heart ripped out for the umpteenth time. Because even now some of that commitment-phobia still lingers, I had vowed that I would not be the first person to say "I love you." I know that's mostly childish, but saying those three little words is a risk of such magnitude that many people wait as long as they can to take that risk or they never risk it at all. My mind keeps returning to the episode of Grey's Anatomy (and say what you like, I love a good nighttime soapy drama - especially when there are hot doctors involved) where Callie has told George that she loves him and he blows her off for nearly an entire episode before telling her that he'll say it when he means it. That kind of scenario gives me nightmares. I've said it once before and not had it said back to me and it's not a good feeling.

But here's the thing: I really want to say it. I'm going to break down and tell you that I'm finally admitting to the fact that I am totally, head-over-heels in love with Prince Charming. And I don't think that it's in that damn-you're-so-attractive-and-you-like-me-back-I-can't-believe-it sort of way. That's the way that I was with the Speed Freak and I thought that was love at the time, but I know now that it wasn't. But this feels real. It feels monumental, but so easy all at the same time. It feels right. And almost every time we've talked recently I've wanted to say it; I've felt it on my lips and the edges of my teeth and the tip of my tongue. But at the same time I can't say it. I'm still scared in some underlying way; I'm still waiting for the bubble to burst and for the dream to end. I also don't want to say it over the phone. Anonymous was right in his/her comment on my last post: I do want to look PC in the eyes if and when I do tell him how I feel. Because although this is so scary and so new - I think that he feels the same way. And I know that we haven't been together that long, we haven't even known each other that long, but this feels like something real and something that can grow and deepen and just get better and better with time.

Lyrics of the Day

"What's the problem I don't know, well, maybe I'm in love. Think about it every time I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it. How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love." Counting Crows Accidentally in Love

The L-Word

What do you do when you think that possibly, maybe, sort-of you might have heard your boyfriend of two months (officially, today, if you can believe what a ridiculously short time that it's been) tell you that he loves you?

Admittedly it was mumbled, and he was really tired and it wasn't until it was too late that I realized what I might have heard - but I think that he said "I love you" before saying goodbye to me. I will not stoop to the level of asking him if he said it - that just seems like fishing to me. But he might have said it, I think that he said it, and you know what my reaction is? I want to say it back. How scary is that?

I guess that now I just wait to see if he says it again, right?

Lyrics of the Day

"I think I love you, isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say, I've never felt this way." The Partridge Family I Think I Love You

Another Countdown

It's now less than two weeks (actually almost about a week and a half now) until I FINALLY see Prince Charming again. I can't tell you what 5 weeks apart feels like, and if I tried it would probably make you all so nauseous that you'd vomit on your keyboards and short-out your computers. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?

Over the past little while, PC has become Super Boyfriend. I'm afraid to get used to it, because I know that these sorts of things end when the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship is over, but it's been really amazing. We're talking so much that I'm pretty sure one of us is going to have to switch wireless carriers, otherwise this relationship could hit the Guinness Book for expense. He actually called me at 6:00 this morning (it being a weekend, he knew that I didn't have to get up for work or anything and he just wanted to talk to me) and we talked for an hour and a half. Half the time he had me laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. It's still so amazing to me to be with someone that makes me feel so completely secure and cared for. I've never experienced anything like this before. I don't sit around agonizing over what he may or may not feel for me, I don't tiptoe around him and watch what I say, I don't have to hide or be dishonest or dress myself up for him. It just works. The only thing about it that's hard is the distance between us, and I'm realizing that even that isn't so bad. As far as long-distance relationships go, I think I've got a damn good one. I just can't wait to see how it could be when we can see each other more often.

So the weekend after next I'll be in Los Angeles. I'm not telling all of my friends that I'm going, because I just can't find the time to see everyone. I'm going to spend a bit of time with The Sister, because she's leaving to tour South America for 2 months on the 18th. Other than that, I'll be spending as much time as possible with Prince Charming. I'm also hoping to introduce him to SJP and LAJ, my two fabulous girls who will both be back in LA after extended absences.

This is going to sound completely insane and overboard and hasty, but I've been really honest on this blog up to this point, and I don't think there's much point in trying to ignore what's really going on in my head. I really think that Prince Charming is someone that I could grow old with. I can see myself with him, in the real long-run. I have feelings and thoughts and desires about him that I've never had about anyone. I want to meet his whole family. I want to see the towns that he grew up in and see where he went to school and where he hung out. I want to wake up next to him every day, come home to him at night. How freaking cheesy is that?

Lyrics of the Day

"I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches, build you a fire if the furnace breaks, oh it could be so nice, growing old with you." Adam Sandler Grow Old With You

The Long-Distance Blues

I have seriously got the Long-Distance Relationship blues. If I could play the harmonica, I would get up at an open mike and jam on how badly it sucks to be 3000 miles from the person that you might just possibly be falling in love with. Then I'd drink a bottle of whiskey and pass out in an alley.

I can't really write about it. It's too whiny, too annoying and would make for far too boring a blog entry. But I'm PMS-y, tired from my fabulous weekend in NYC and hitting my limit at the 3 week mark since I've gotten any lovin'. Mix said ingredients in a hot and humid alien city and stir and you've got a nice batch of Crazy, fresh out of the oven.

Lyrics of the Day

"I wanted to see you walking backwards, to get the sensation of you coming home. I wanted to see you walking away from me, without the sensation you're leaving me alone." Counting Crows Time and Time Again

Creeping Guilt

I haven't mentioned The Kid since I met Prince Charming. It's not becauase I immediately forgot he existed the moment that I laid eyes on PC, but my attraction and connection to PC did eclipse my arrangement with The Kid so completely tat I almost wonder why I did it in the first place. On the other hand, I don't have any regrets about hanging out with The Kid - it just can't compare to anything that I have with Prince Charming.

What I do have, concerning The Kid, is some increasing guilt. I've never had The Kid's email address, but we are MySpace friends and that's the way that we've communicated online. Shortly after I got to Baltimore, The Sister posted a comment on my page about the fact that I'm not single anymore. A day or two later, The Kid posted "Miss ya" as a comment on my page. When I realized the timing of that comment, I started to feel a bit guilty. I mean, there's been a bit of guilt all along: I did happen to meet PC the day after the last time that I saw The Kid. But I've been trying to push the feeling down: I could never have known that I was going to meet my Prince Charming in bar, three days before I moved out of LA. There was no reason to think I shouldn't draw out my time with The Kid as much as possible. Then, just last Wednesday night, I uploaded the pics that PC and I took last weekend onto my MySpace page. And while I'm absolutely thrilled and proud to have the pics to show-off, I do get a bad feeling in my stomach when I think about what to do / say regarding The Kid. Because we are friends, but the situation is just so weird.

Even my subconscious knows this. The other night I had a dream that I had promised to sleep with The Kid again, he even blew off someone else because he was sure he was going to be hooking up with me, and I felt like I was absolutely obligated to do it. I felt this even though I was with Prince Charming in the dream. My dream-self was in absolute agony over the situation. Don't worry though: in the end my heart just wouldn't let me do it.

Lyrics of the Day

" On the night you left I came over, and we peeled the freckles from our shoulders. Our brand new coats so flushed and pink, and I knew your heart I couldn't win, 'cause the season's change was a conduit and we'd left our love in our summer skin." Death Cab For Cutie Summer Skin

I Wanna Know What Love Is

All week, I've been floating. I'm actually rather astounded that my post-Prince Charming euphoria is lasting this long. Is this how it's supposed to be? I swear, most of the people near and dear to me would hardly recognize the optimistic, hearts-and-butterflies cheeseball that I'm becoming. Last night I went out to find a few things for Prince Charming's birthday package and found myself overjoyed at the availability of heart-shaped Post-It Notes.

So here's the question that I pose: how exactly does one know when she's in love / falling in love? I know that this question seems stupid, but I really don't know the answer. The first time that I said those three little (GIGANTIC) words was in high school and I felt pressured to say them after hearing them prematurely declared to me. I said it, but I didn't feel it. The second time that I said it was the only time that I meant it. But it was outside the context of a relationship, said to a close friend and had no real hope of being returned. Also, my realization of the presence of the feeling was a total surprise and so I never had a clue that I was falling. The last time that I said it was to the Speed Freak. We said it two and a half or three months in and at the time I really believed that I meant it. But once the relationship ended, the feelings faded. I saw him about four months afer we broke up and I felt nothing for him. Lust can burn out or fade away like that, but I don't believe that love does.

So, is it possible, after a paltry six weeks of dating Prince Charming, that I could really be falling in love with him? Well, from my extremely inexperienced point of view, I think that it's possible. I won't even admit to the frighteningly girly thoughts that seem to have taken up residence in my brain, but there do seem to be quite a few of them. And does it thrill me to no end that PC has used the words "My Love" more than once in the past week? Yes, yes it does.

Can it really be this easy or is this just a ridiculously exaggerated version of the relationship Honeymoon Phase? I'd like to believe the former. I spent a lot of years being single because I had no intention of settling for any relationship possibility that came along and it feels like this is the reward for my infinite patience. Either way, it's still the most amazing connective experience I've ever had and I'm going to savor the hell out of it.

Lyrics of the Day

"At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over, and life is like a song." Etta James

Head Over Heels

In all of my dating and relationship experience, I never truly understood the point of settling down with one person. I've never seen the purpose of giving up your freedom to center your life around one other person, for better or for worse. I mean, theoretically I wanted these things, but I didn't really understand why they were so important. Why would anyone want to compromise all of their personal preferences and goals and dreams just to avoid the not-so-horrible fate of sleeping alone?

But I get it now. And I don't mean the compromising part. What I am just now understanding is that you can want to be with one person, but that it's possible to do this without compromising anything. What lead to this astonishing revelation? Possibly the best weekend EVER.

I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging on my anxiety-ridden Fear-Of-Commitment post last week. I meant to write on my birthday (which was Thursday) about how lucky and loved I ended up feeling, but I ran out of time to do so. Then Prince Charming arrived on Friday night and all my thoughts of writing left my mind.

Even if I were to get as cheesy as I possibly could, I don't think I could fully convey the wonder of this weekend. I have never had this kind of experience - I'm still nearly reeling from the perfection of it all. I was really nervous picking Prince Charming up from the airport on Friday night. I didn't know if things would be awkward or if the initial attraction had been fleeting or if I would be able to make the weekend worth his taking four days off of work and flying all the way across the country. But just as those first three days that we spent together were so magically comfortable and amazing, my initial nervousness was unfounded and soon disappeared.

The initial attraction was not fleeting. I have never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life. And that feeling was just as strong by the end of the weekend as it was when the weekend began - if not stronger. But that wasn't the most amazing thing: it was everything else that was so surprising. Every single thing that we did together all weekend was so much fun and so effortless. We drank champagne and went to IHOP and took the Metro to Baltimore's Inner Harbor. We went for a three mile run, we watched "How I Met Your Mother" and he cooked me dinner (damn good dinner too!). Never once did I feel uncomfortable or like I couldn't be myself or like my personal space was being invaded. It was just incredible.

I don't want to get ahead of myself (well, I do, but I'm trying not to), but I think this one is going to last. I'm not predicting marriage or anything insane like that, but we're both in this for the long term. How do I know this? Because he told me so. He doesn't hide his thoughts or feelings or try to play games. He believes in honesty and full-disclosure and I don't have a doubt in my mind how he feels about me. This relationship will probably get a bit expensive: I'm going to fly him back out here in a few weeks, but it's absolutely worth it. I get it now. I get how couples can be each other's best friend and want to do everything together. I have very little experience with this type of thing, but I think I could be falling in love.

It's funny. Everyone always said that you find someone once you stop looking, that love comes along when you least expect it. I was becoming so cynical and part of me was starting to prepare for the possibility of never finding anyone. Then, as I prepared to radically change my life, I really did stop looking. And that was all it took.

Lyrics of the Day

"Don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now." Joseph Arthur Honey and the Moon

Disconnected

All through the fairytale that was my first few days with Prince Charming and through the ensuing euphoria there was a small thing at the periphery, hovering just close enough to out-of-sight to be easily ignored. I could pretend that it wasn't there at all, that it had never been there (though it had been, and for far too long). But as the weeks have passed and the lack of any contact beyond the phone conversations has begun to wear on my mind and my heart, that little peripheral thing has been poking its head further and further into the center of my vision.

My fear of commitment.

Remember that little thing? It's haunted me for as long as I can remember. It pushed me into attraction to unavailable man after unavailable man. It caused me to turn away from more than one good man. And now it's crawling its way back into my life and I think that it's starting to get to me.

It's the in-between moments. When we're not talking. When I have too much time on my hands to ponder the "what if's" and "am I sure's". When I think about spending Memorial Day in New York City with Blondie and SJP and that it will be Fleet Week.

You see, I'm good at being single. I'm used to being on my own and being able to do what I want, when I want to do it, with whomever I choose. You all might have noticed that. I like the option of making out with a cute sailor at a bar in Manhattan without it being cheating or making eyes at a cute employee at my workplace without guilt. I'm not good at being in a relationship. The last time that I was in a relationship, it lasted less than three months and I poured my whole heart into it. I'm not sure anymore that I actually remembered to retrieve my heart after the fact.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on Prince Charming, and the doubts and worries in my brain aren't his fault. Truly, in any realistic estimation, PC has been a nearly perfect long-distance boyfriend. He calls every day, some days more than once. He says all the right things, complements me constantly, tells me that he misses me and can't wait to see me. And still, I sit here on my couch on Sunday night and I worry about whether or not I made the right decision and whether or not I even deserve the praise that he heaps on me.

Blech.

I'm hoping that all of this junk will fly out the window on Friday night when I pick Prince Charming up at the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. I'm hoping that the magic that brought us together in the first place will remind me why I was crazy enough to enter into a relationship with someone that I barely knew - and a long-distance relationship at that. And maybe it'll show me that I wasn't crazy at all. And maybe that little thing around the edges really could be on its way out of the picture altogether.

Lyrics of the Day

"So why you wanna be there, when you could be here? You are slipping away. I awake with your replacement, a bottle in my grasp, in an unfamiliar place." Lagwagon Violins

Homesick

I've been quiet these past few days because reality finally set in for me here in Baltimore. The first 2 weeks were a honeymoon: figuring out the new job, exploring the new apartment, wrangling my bottles of wine in a county that only allows liquor sales at a liquor store. But on Friday it all started to sink in and I got a bit depressed. I started questioning everything: my decision to leave LA (like I hadn't spent the past 3 years hating most of it), the decision to travel the country ALONE, the relationship that I just jumped headlong into.

Thankfully, the doubts and depression only lasted two days. I had a good talk with Red and possibly a little too much of that wine that I found and woke up early on Sunday morning, ready to put my running shoes on and get my feet back on the ground.

It's been more eye-opening than I had initially anticipated, this sudden and complete change of life. It's been easier and harder and scarier and more fun than I ever thought it would be. Being away from all of the people that I love is strange and hard, but I'm meeting new people and I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be all that long until I'm back in California again.

As for Prince Charming, as I said, he's still in the picture. We've known each other for OVER THREE WEEKS now, so it's like we've been married for 25 years. Or not - but we are getting to know each other as best we can. It's funny, it's almost like having an internet relationship - I'm getting to know someone solely over the phone and email and yet I'm forming a real relationship with him. The big (HUGE, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS) advantage I have is that I already know that I find him irresistible. And we've discussed the fact that it's actually not a horrible thing that we have to get to know each other this way, because if we were actually in the same room we wouldn't actually get to know each other at all. We'd be too busy getting to know each other in the biblical sense to care what the other person had to say or was all about. So we're making do with what we have. AND...

He'll be here (in Charm City) in less than two weeks. I'm so excited I can barely keep my pants on.

Lyrics of the Day

"If you could choose anyone, would you place your bet on me to slay all these dragons and cross these uncrossable seas? If given the chance would you come sail away with me?" Aaron Espe Dragons