So maybe now I am asking for advice. Maybe I do need some help, if I am to truly make a decision that is more than reactionary.
Can resentment be overcome?
Having been shouldering the financial burden of the relationship for so long (and anyone who knows me knows that I am more than slightly uptight when it comes to money), I can hardly feel anything besides resentment when I look at PC now. I just see how hard things are for me (however selfish that viewpoint is), and how long it's going to be before I can dig myself out and all of the other places that I had intended for all this money to go. Paying off student loans. Paying off my car. Saving for a house. Now I'm just paying off credit card debt.
It's partially my fault that it came to this. I allowed it to happen. It started small, but it grew and gained momentum until it was no longer under my control. But he allowed it to happen too. And he has delayed and made promises and never followed through.
I don't know where to blame him and where to blame myself anymore. But here's the really difficult truth: I do not like who I am with him. I have become someone that I barely recognize, and I'm that person far too often now.
Lyrics of the Day
"Still to come, the worst part and you know it. There is a numbness in your heart and it's growing." The Shins A Comet Appears
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6 years ago
8 comments:
I am sorry you are going through this and I hate to say it, but you REALLY have to want to overcome resentment. I mean REALLY want it! It sounds like you are ready to move on and I would be too. I was never able to overcome my resentment I had for my ex-husband. Believe me, I tried!
I've been enchanted by your journey for a long time now but you really have hit a wall with this situation. The answer is here….
“……he has delayed and made promises and never followed through.
…… here's the really difficult truth: I do not like who I am with him.”
Broken promises and any resentment over hard-won money kill trust and will certainly re-surface again ( and again!). So your choice could be difficult :- give him the two months, battle through it and sail on together or lock everything in (yet another) compartment and continue your odyssey, and your great blog. But I think that your quote says it all.
“Across the evening sky all the birds are leaving” ....it’ll be tough but don’t be afraid!
Maybe y'all just need a break? I honestly don't know. Resentment is a hard thing to get past. I think he needs to do something extraordinary to show you that things will be different. Empty promises will only serve to increase your resentment. He needs to take action rather than make promises. I think that a lot of the burden for saving the relationship is on his shoulders now, not yours. And it depends on how long you're willing to put up with his inaction.
Em
i agree with em 100%. it sounds like you've been pulling the two of yall and now it's his turn.
As one of the commenters on the last post said, I'm missing a few important facts in the story to be able to give advice. Is PC working? If he isn't, is he searching in earnest for a job? Where are his savings to contribute to pay off the debt? I know you said he has delayed and made promises and never followed through - but what were they? Did they have to do with him promising to look hard for another job and then he doesn't follow through? I hate to say it but everyone breaks promises at one point or another and it really does matter what kind of promises he isn't keeping to be able to gauge whether or not they are dealbreaker kind of things or not...
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am a long time reader and I know that it must be devastating for you to have to deal with this, especially with the expectations and hopes you had for this relationship. {{{hugs}}}
I too am wondering what the deal is with PC. Does he have no job and is making no effort to find one? What's the story there?
Honestly, if this guy is just being a jobless loser mooching off of you, then you need to cut him loose. If he's serious about you he'll help shoulder the financial burden, even if it means working 40 hours a week at burger king. But who wants to date a guy who can only work at Burger King? Although at this point, he'd better be doing SOMETHING to help out.
But really all of this advice is based on my assumption that he's sitting on his rear end all day doing nothing. So please enlighten us.
Also, what is there about him that would make you want to keep him around? Is there any kind of bright side at all?
Hey there... it is nice to have you back.
A few things. I know some of these things have been said already, but you did have insanely high expectations for your relationship with PC. No man or relationship could measure up to that indefinitely. You have been living in the fantasy stage of it - the "honeymoon" stage - and now reality is finally beginning to settle in. This is going to happen in EVERY long term relationship.
The glow of love and attraction experienced at the beginning is important, but it is also important that you can be a teammate and partner with this person in every day boring and unpleasant matters. That is life. There is always going to be curves that come at you, it is how you can handle them together that counts.
I know you feel taken advantage of and even betrayed by PC in some ways, but did you ever stop to think that this is a scarey time for him too? After all, he has also uprooted his entire life and given up his job/financial security to try to make the relationship work. Most full grown adult men would be mortified to be unexpectedly trapped in their girlfriends parents' basement for 2 months without a job or money. Maybe he could have or should have tried harder to get a job, but maybe he is also going through a period of depression and wondering if things are going to work out too. Alot of guys pretty much give up on trying if they are nagged at and already feelign bad. Not saying it makes it right. It's just typical male. Big babies! Then again, who likes to be nagged?
As weird as this sounds) he probably resented YOU for being in control of him since you had all the money and were living at your parents. How would you have felt if the situation was reversed?
I wouldn't give up just yet -unless you really want to - you guys have hit the first in a long series of bumps in the road of life. You can either talk about things and try to understand each other and help each other through, or you can let those bumps tear things apart. The thing to try to remember is your supposed to be on the same team. The bumps in the road are going to be there whether you are alone or together so only you can decide how you can best face them for yourself and he has to consider that as well. Relationships are not always easy. You both have to really want to be in it and to have it work.
Good luck to both of you
-Laurie
P.S. You guys move around ALOT. Doesn't that get costly? Would it not be better to pick a place and settle down and try to get good jobs for both of you? I know I wouldn't enjoy having to constantly be looking for a job especially in this economy. And they say a man's self confidence is most directly tied to his career so I am not sure how all of this is affecting PC. You might want to ask him. Why are you guys constantly moving??
I don't know if I adequately explained it when I began, but I'm moving around for work. My job allows me to contract myself out to employers across the country. The upsides are that the hourly rate is better than I would get in almost any permanent job, all of my housing is paid for, and I get tax free money every week for per diem expenses. I decided to do this to see the country, to pay off my student loans and to learn from as many diffrenet places as I could.
It was only incidental that I met PC just as I was leaving LA to start working this way. When it came to us continuing our relationship, I wasn't willing to move back to LA but he was willing to move with me and live rent free and see the country together. So the moving is stressful, but not generally expensive. The problem was that the job got delayed and we were stuck without income in Montana.
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