Today I am feeling slightly less pessimistic and vindictive than I have been recently. I think that I have been typing a lot more with my emotions here lately than with any kind of objective eye. Not to say that it isn't within my right to do that (it's my damn blog after all!), but I think it has definitely made me more on the vague side when it comes to describing the actual events. This is one of the many reasons that I resisted writing for so long - I wasn't sure I should air my dirty laundry and if I did I wasn't sure I would do it in any satisfying way. But I think it is helping to share and it is helping to gain a little perspective, because obviously this is not the end of the world.
Yes, Prince Charming does now have a job. He actually has two, and between the two he is working somewhere in the neighborhood of full-time. Even though I doubted it in many of the darkest times, PC did not intend to live off of me forever. But he did take advantage to a certain point and he did handle the situation very poorly in Montana. I struggle so much with the debate of whether to try to prove myself rational by vilifying PC or whether to just drop it because at this point, things do seem like they have started to change (albeit, slowly) and they are on the way to a place where I can judge the situation from a more objective standpoint.
The bottom line is this: I'm still not happy, but I'm no longer catastrophically upset every other day. I think that things may continue to improve, but I'm still having a hard time feeling normal and feeling the same affection and desire for him that I did before. There were enough white lies told while he was upset and apathetic in Montana that I still have a hard time trusting everything that he says. And I know that is a red flag and I've told him this. I've told him everything so many times. Part of my frustration that I didn't feel like I was being heard, but after another terrible fight last weekend, I think I may finally feel that. So it's been helping...
I want to thank everyone for reading and offering such compassion. Whether things work out or not, and whether you think I'm nuts or not, it's nice to have an ear or two.
Lyrics of the Day
"We trade tit for tat, yeah that for this, and I don't think that there was an insult that was missed. I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry." Little Motel Modest Mouse
7 months ago