Monday, March 10, 2008

Venting?

I've never really done this before.

My only "true" previous relationship (with the Speed Freak) was filled with strife and pain and was bad and tumultuous a much greater percent of the time than it was good or even tolerable. So even though I ended up enduring about a year of that personally-created-hell, it wasn't actually a year-long relationship.

I've been with Prince Charming for 11 months now. It was 11 months on Saturday, actually. And I'm realizing more and more that most of the last 6 months or so have been far from perfect. My quandary is whether the good is worth all of the bad. Whether much of the bad has been situational (I dare anyone to have a perfect long-distance relationship), or whether there truly are ways in which PC and I are not ideally suited for each other.

I'm afraid to fully delve into it. I haven't been honest with the people closest to me in my life, and I'm not sure I can be honest here. It's not horrifying. There's no abuse and there's no cheating. It's not what many people I've met would consider a Bad Relationship. I'm sure that millions of women have lived through and with so much more, that sometimes I feel self-indulgent for being upset by things that have happened. And yet, at the same time, I'm ashamed of the things that I've allowed to happen and things that I've done. And all of this builds into a wall that I hide behind.

I know that I'm being vague. I know that I'm speaking in metaphors and hyperbole and that it must be more than frustrating to read. But today is an okay day. It's not the complete break-down kind of day that I had on Friday night after a conversation with The Mother and it's not the forget-about-the-complications-and-watch-South-Park kind of day that I had with PC yesterday. It's a middle-of-the-road day. But the turmoil in my brain refuses to quiet itself and I wanted to vent here. Unfortunately, my venting is half-assed.

I'll try to work on that.

Lyrics of the Day

"It’s been hard, we’ve both got our histories that haunt these homes - but I ain’t bathing in our misery. So pour me a drink and don’t pour it too weak and grab it from the top shelf. I ain’t asking for redemption and this ain’t no cry for help." The Good Life On the Picket Fence

3 comments:

Samantha said...

I'm sure you will be able to express yourself soon. It's good that you are getting whatever it is out a little...

Emmeline said...

Wow. Well, when you're ready to give more details (if you ever are), we'll be here. Hope things turn out okay (whether that means working things out or breaking up, we just want the best for you!).

Em

Julie said...

Ah my friend, I am sending you many virtual hugs from Argentina.

I don´t believe there is such thing as a perfect relationship, long distance or not. But there is a great quote from Thelma and Louise: "you get what you settle for." So, would you be settling?

If it is any consolation, J and I have had some very rough times during our 4.5 years together. There were lots of fighting and lots of tears, but they passed.

Whatever you decide, I am here for you.