Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Lie To Me

I've been lied to before. The Speed Freak tried very hard to cheat on me, and he may have actually accomplished it. He never told me the truth about any of that (or much else, really). The Ex lied unintentionally (and probably more to himself than to me) when he rushed me into the semblance of a relationship without the ability to finish what he started. But I'm not sure I've ever been so violated.

I'm losing sleep over this. I really can't believe that it really happened and was happening for so long. Part of me really wishes that I had been told earlier, when everyone else knew but me, so that I wouldn't have made the mistake of those last few months. But the rest of me knows that I needed to make this mistake, learn this lesson, and do it on my own. The people that protected me were doing the right thing, even if it is painful to think about how long it was that I was the only one not in on the joke.

The problem is that now I want to obsess over this information. I was, as a wise friend put it, spied on. I was spied on by a person who swore up and down that he admired my independence and respected my privacy. I let him share my computer, trusted him with my phone, told him about the existence of this space. Because he said I could trust him.

Is there an excuse for that? For being stupid enough to believe someone when they say something to you, even when you've caught them in blatant and bold-faced lies on more than one occasion? Is that the desire to trust or just some pathetic, subconscious attempt to keep from being alone?

The truth is that I can't figure out exactly how this is making me feel. I have flashes of near-livid anger. I have long periods where I can't really conceive of the reality I'm now living in. I have moments of nauseous anxiety and moments where I want to call him and tell him exactly what I think of him and his uber-creepy activities. In the end, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to call My Husband and apologize for putting him in this situation. I'm going to, definitively, move on with my life. I'm going to get everything I possibly can that belongs to him out of my house. I'm going to change my passwords, just in case. I'm going to try to get it through my thick skull that it doesn't matter how much he lied to me anymore, so I don't need to spend my nights thinking of things he could have lied about and analyzing the likelihood that he did.

Because, in all honesty, there are probably more of those things than I will ever know or ever want to know.

Lyrics of the Day

"Why you always making me cry? Why you always making me cry? You look me in the eyes and tell me all your lies. So why you always making me cry?" Joe Purdy Why You


Anonymous said...

In the end I think it all boiled down to immaturity and insecurity. PC was both and to some extent you gave him every reason to doubt your own commitment to the relationship.

I don't think what PC did was excusable, but I also don't think he is inherently evil or malicious. I think he was probably insecure and trying to understand or protect himself - maybe he'd also being lied to an cheated on before and was afraid that was going to happen to him here.

I will say one thing though... you kept having your own instincts about something not being right and it's probably a good thing you followed those. It's hard to say whether PC was spying all along because it is his own true nature or started as a result of problems in the relationship that drove him to "check up on you".

The bottom line is that you have a right to feel violated - If it were me I'd probably confront him - but I don't think that's the best thing to do. After all, what good is inviting more drama? You guys seemed to end on reasonably good terms and there is no point making enemies he left peacefully - although maybe you should change your house locks too knowing what you know. Anyway, you're out of this now and even if you didn't find all this out, you were pretty miserable with him for a long time, so maybe you should just take finding this out as a good thing as it only reinforces your decision to break up.

Samantha said...

Wow. This is alot to take in for you. I don't know what to say other than I hope you can give yourself a break and move on from this as quickly as possible. I'm so sorry for the pain you have gone through.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm not sure what to say about all of this. I do definitely feel bad for you that's for sure. But really, after all the positive things you had been saying about PC and his motivation and work towards doing better in the relationship, I'm not sure anyone saw this coming, or believed he would do something like this.
But in this situation, did he have reason to be worried? As the previous annonymous said maybe he was just insecure or damaged from previous relationships? We know for sure he called MH, but do we really know that he was reading your e-mails? I mean maybe you do have proof, and that's worst yet, but you know for sure it was not just a phone call? I don't know anything about PC besides what you have said in your posts, and I love how you wrote it neutrally in the latter stages of being together, as a reader I appreciated that, and found myself roouting for both of you individually and together. And because of this, I just don't want to believe that PC was the kind of person to be spying on you, and I hope you are for sure positively certain that this was the case, before we all, but especially you, have completely negative feelings towards him. Again we don't know everything, but it just sounds so bad.