Monday, November 10, 2008

Of Death and Dying

Tonight it just occurred to me that I might not be as in-control of my own thoughts and emotions as I think I am. Once again I, horribly ashamed of myself, am watching Grey's Anatomy and crying for little to no reason. And I'm thinking how I've got to find a way to break up with PC and make him understand the reason and then I sort of have a realization.

What if all this stuff that is going on with my dad is changing the way that my brain is trying to process my relationship?

Things have been pretty good. Especially in comparison to how they were in Ohio, things have been quite good. PC is pulling his own weight financially and giving me more space (he's actually out right now, allowing me to cry and watch Grey's and write) and we're hardly ever fighting. And yet, I'm apathetic. I look at him and I know that I have feelings for him and I still feel like being with him is more of a burden than being without him. It's not fair. It's horribly unfair and yet I know that I'm doing it and I keep doing it.

We even talked about it. I told him how I'm feeling and how it's not fair. Somehow he doesn't agree. Somehow he thinks that this will pass and that we will work out.

Inside of me, I know this isn't true.

But what if I'm wrong? My father is dying - however slowly it's happening - and it's almost harder to watch what it's doing to my mom than it is to watch what's happening to him. She has to be strong and be the rock and still know that the man she's spent nearly 35 years with is going to be gone. How can anyone want to commit to that? How could I really want to commit my life to someone when this is how it turns out?

I don't know. I don't know what's behind my feelings. I don't know if they will resolve or change or whether I'll keep coasting until I realize that's all I'm doing.

Lyrics of the Day

"It's all the good that won't come out of me and all the stupid lies I hide behind. It's such a big mistake, lying here in your warm embrace." Rilo Kiley The Good That Won't Come Out

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Pull the Trigger....

Julie said...

Are you holding on to PC because you know he'll be there for you during this hard time? Or because you don't want to deal with a break-up and your father's illness simultaneously?

Anonymous said...

Feelings are feelings and not facts. The difference is that feelings change and there isn't always any logical reason for them.

I'm not telling you to deny your feelings for PC - good or bad, BUT.... keep in mind you are going through an extremely hard time in your life right now. Maybe it isn't the first time and it sure won't be the last.

I definitely think your feelings about your whole situation - and alot of it not having anything to do with PC - is coloring your preceptions of things. I think it would be the wrong thing to do to dump him when you're not really "totally yourself" and looking at everything through a veil of hurt and disappointment.

Maybe you have fallen "out of love" with PC and that is a sad fact of life; however, I think alot of peopler would have a hard time feeling romantic towards their partner when they are going through what you are right now.

I also want to say that I was one of the cynics that said to dump PC and that he would never change, etc. Reading this last post, I've had an extreme change of heart about this, which is rare for me. I think PC worked extremely hard to change the things that were causing issues, and I believe that he is beginning to be relaxed and not so insecure with the relationship and drive you crazy like before.

It seems like he really does love you as opposed to mere infatuation that I thought. I'm not saying that definitely means you are also in love with him and that things will be happily ever after; however, I do think you need to give him a real chance.

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you. I hope you are okay. Maybe you just need to be alone (or not trying to focus on any relationshops) during your difficult time. I'm sure PC would be okay with just being a background supporter since he really seems to understand and care. I also think that maybe you need to learn how to lean on someone sometimes and accept support instead of pushing people away.

I think maybe you could benefit from some personal counseling during your difficult time to help put things into perspective not only with PC but with everything else as well.

Take care.

chris said...

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

It sounds like you know you're going to break up with PC eventually, you just can't put your finger on why. Maybe I'm stating the obvious there, but I feel like stating it in a simple fashion makes it easier to approach. You're looking for complex psychological reasons for why your feelings are wrong and distorted. ("My brain and emotions are all messed up because of my father's failing health.") Rather than figure out why your gut is misleading you, why not figure out why your gut is leading you where it is? Your gut has been leading you one way (toward breaking up with PC) throughout all of your recent blog posts, and your mind has been fighting it. Do you know why you want to break up with PC, in your gut?

My knowledge about the situation is very limited, so hopefully you can put my comment in the proper context (with all the facts) and see if it's actually valuable. I can't really tell.

Anonymous said...

I believe the loss of a parent can be one of the hardest things in the world to deal with (I've lost both of mine), and in that, it's easy to forget what feelings you have or have had toward anything else outside of dealing with this loss. I didn't want anything to do (romantically or not) with my husband much less other things much of the time, when going through all of the tragic change, and at the same time my motivation with anything that i previously had interests in had taken a down-slope. For this reason I don't think you can 100% seriously judge the situation. If you've been together, giving it another chance for this second time and you still are happy sometimes, as hard as it can be like i previously mentioned especially since it is externally related to the problem, and you still have positive feelings toward PC, I think that is enough to go on and stay in the relationship. Especially, again, since this time for you is so understandably traumatic.
I'm sure he would always be there for you since he has obviously done the hard thing and put in so much good effort when things seemed easier to get out of and down for him as well. Maybe that is some of it to, the fact that you know that, and you feel bad that he's always there for you and you're always so drained without anymore worry or extra affection to give in dealing with all of this. But again hopefully and I'm sure most of the time, even though it can be hard, he understands.
Me just like everyone else can't really tell you what to do, or even what we think is best. Obviously though it seems both going together to Baltimore was a good idea because I'm sure you enjoyed each others company, had fun adventures together, and that in reality you are very good partners or even room-mates a lot of time especially with you describing yourself as being very independent. All the while I'm sure PC was a dependable support system.
More than anything good luck and it's so sad that bad things happen to even the best people.

Amanda said...

If you don't love him like *that* then don't fuck him around any longer. You need to end it and both move on.

Well, that's what I think anyway...

- Amanda

Anonymous said...

The last part of your post makes it seem like your feelings are less about PC and more about your father. I understand that the loss of a parent is a very profound thing.

When you look at it anoither way though, we are all dying, every minute. That doesn't mean we should sit around lamenting that someday - whether sooner or later -that we will die.

You have to embrace life every day. Celebrate the fact that your father is here now, even if it may be hard. You will regret losing the time you have left with him now later if you start grieving for him when he is still here. Some people die suddenly and tragically and at young ages.

The time we have with loved ones will never be enough, no matter how long it is. You ask how anyone can commit to a partner knowing this will be the outcome? The outcome for every one of us is eventually death. It is what happens in between birth and death that matters and if you find someone to share the journey with that you can love and trust and enjoy life with, that is the entire point.

Anonymous said...

Well???

Natalie said...

I think if you asked your mom if she would do it all over again, even knowing how it would end, she would say yes. Just think about those 35 years they had together! How awesome is that. Especially in this day and age when people get divorced right and left because they're too self centered to put another person's needs before their own.

I'm approaching 8 years of marriage and I know that one of us will die first. I don't know when that will be, but I know it will hurt. But when I think of all the times we've had together and our kids and all of the adventures yet to come, there's just SO MUCH GOOD about US together that I would never wish to undo it. That's not to say that there aren't times when he annoys the hell out of me. =)

As for PC, I think the question you have to ask is how good are the two of you together, really? You've had enough time to move past the crush/infatuation phase. Do you have common goals, hopes and dreams? Do you have common beliefs? Do you LIKE to be with him? Are you BOTH willing to put each others' needs before your own? Can you imagine yourself happy with each other 10 years down the road? Why or why not?