The Long-Distance Blues

I have seriously got the Long-Distance Relationship blues. If I could play the harmonica, I would get up at an open mike and jam on how badly it sucks to be 3000 miles from the person that you might just possibly be falling in love with. Then I'd drink a bottle of whiskey and pass out in an alley.

I can't really write about it. It's too whiny, too annoying and would make for far too boring a blog entry. But I'm PMS-y, tired from my fabulous weekend in NYC and hitting my limit at the 3 week mark since I've gotten any lovin'. Mix said ingredients in a hot and humid alien city and stir and you've got a nice batch of Crazy, fresh out of the oven.

Lyrics of the Day

"I wanted to see you walking backwards, to get the sensation of you coming home. I wanted to see you walking away from me, without the sensation you're leaving me alone." Counting Crows Time and Time Again

Creeping Guilt

I haven't mentioned The Kid since I met Prince Charming. It's not becauase I immediately forgot he existed the moment that I laid eyes on PC, but my attraction and connection to PC did eclipse my arrangement with The Kid so completely tat I almost wonder why I did it in the first place. On the other hand, I don't have any regrets about hanging out with The Kid - it just can't compare to anything that I have with Prince Charming.

What I do have, concerning The Kid, is some increasing guilt. I've never had The Kid's email address, but we are MySpace friends and that's the way that we've communicated online. Shortly after I got to Baltimore, The Sister posted a comment on my page about the fact that I'm not single anymore. A day or two later, The Kid posted "Miss ya" as a comment on my page. When I realized the timing of that comment, I started to feel a bit guilty. I mean, there's been a bit of guilt all along: I did happen to meet PC the day after the last time that I saw The Kid. But I've been trying to push the feeling down: I could never have known that I was going to meet my Prince Charming in bar, three days before I moved out of LA. There was no reason to think I shouldn't draw out my time with The Kid as much as possible. Then, just last Wednesday night, I uploaded the pics that PC and I took last weekend onto my MySpace page. And while I'm absolutely thrilled and proud to have the pics to show-off, I do get a bad feeling in my stomach when I think about what to do / say regarding The Kid. Because we are friends, but the situation is just so weird.

Even my subconscious knows this. The other night I had a dream that I had promised to sleep with The Kid again, he even blew off someone else because he was sure he was going to be hooking up with me, and I felt like I was absolutely obligated to do it. I felt this even though I was with Prince Charming in the dream. My dream-self was in absolute agony over the situation. Don't worry though: in the end my heart just wouldn't let me do it.

Lyrics of the Day

" On the night you left I came over, and we peeled the freckles from our shoulders. Our brand new coats so flushed and pink, and I knew your heart I couldn't win, 'cause the season's change was a conduit and we'd left our love in our summer skin." Death Cab For Cutie Summer Skin

I Wanna Know What Love Is

All week, I've been floating. I'm actually rather astounded that my post-Prince Charming euphoria is lasting this long. Is this how it's supposed to be? I swear, most of the people near and dear to me would hardly recognize the optimistic, hearts-and-butterflies cheeseball that I'm becoming. Last night I went out to find a few things for Prince Charming's birthday package and found myself overjoyed at the availability of heart-shaped Post-It Notes.

So here's the question that I pose: how exactly does one know when she's in love / falling in love? I know that this question seems stupid, but I really don't know the answer. The first time that I said those three little (GIGANTIC) words was in high school and I felt pressured to say them after hearing them prematurely declared to me. I said it, but I didn't feel it. The second time that I said it was the only time that I meant it. But it was outside the context of a relationship, said to a close friend and had no real hope of being returned. Also, my realization of the presence of the feeling was a total surprise and so I never had a clue that I was falling. The last time that I said it was to the Speed Freak. We said it two and a half or three months in and at the time I really believed that I meant it. But once the relationship ended, the feelings faded. I saw him about four months afer we broke up and I felt nothing for him. Lust can burn out or fade away like that, but I don't believe that love does.

So, is it possible, after a paltry six weeks of dating Prince Charming, that I could really be falling in love with him? Well, from my extremely inexperienced point of view, I think that it's possible. I won't even admit to the frighteningly girly thoughts that seem to have taken up residence in my brain, but there do seem to be quite a few of them. And does it thrill me to no end that PC has used the words "My Love" more than once in the past week? Yes, yes it does.

Can it really be this easy or is this just a ridiculously exaggerated version of the relationship Honeymoon Phase? I'd like to believe the former. I spent a lot of years being single because I had no intention of settling for any relationship possibility that came along and it feels like this is the reward for my infinite patience. Either way, it's still the most amazing connective experience I've ever had and I'm going to savor the hell out of it.

Lyrics of the Day

"At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over, and life is like a song." Etta James

Head Over Heels

In all of my dating and relationship experience, I never truly understood the point of settling down with one person. I've never seen the purpose of giving up your freedom to center your life around one other person, for better or for worse. I mean, theoretically I wanted these things, but I didn't really understand why they were so important. Why would anyone want to compromise all of their personal preferences and goals and dreams just to avoid the not-so-horrible fate of sleeping alone?

But I get it now. And I don't mean the compromising part. What I am just now understanding is that you can want to be with one person, but that it's possible to do this without compromising anything. What lead to this astonishing revelation? Possibly the best weekend EVER.

I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging on my anxiety-ridden Fear-Of-Commitment post last week. I meant to write on my birthday (which was Thursday) about how lucky and loved I ended up feeling, but I ran out of time to do so. Then Prince Charming arrived on Friday night and all my thoughts of writing left my mind.

Even if I were to get as cheesy as I possibly could, I don't think I could fully convey the wonder of this weekend. I have never had this kind of experience - I'm still nearly reeling from the perfection of it all. I was really nervous picking Prince Charming up from the airport on Friday night. I didn't know if things would be awkward or if the initial attraction had been fleeting or if I would be able to make the weekend worth his taking four days off of work and flying all the way across the country. But just as those first three days that we spent together were so magically comfortable and amazing, my initial nervousness was unfounded and soon disappeared.

The initial attraction was not fleeting. I have never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life. And that feeling was just as strong by the end of the weekend as it was when the weekend began - if not stronger. But that wasn't the most amazing thing: it was everything else that was so surprising. Every single thing that we did together all weekend was so much fun and so effortless. We drank champagne and went to IHOP and took the Metro to Baltimore's Inner Harbor. We went for a three mile run, we watched "How I Met Your Mother" and he cooked me dinner (damn good dinner too!). Never once did I feel uncomfortable or like I couldn't be myself or like my personal space was being invaded. It was just incredible.

I don't want to get ahead of myself (well, I do, but I'm trying not to), but I think this one is going to last. I'm not predicting marriage or anything insane like that, but we're both in this for the long term. How do I know this? Because he told me so. He doesn't hide his thoughts or feelings or try to play games. He believes in honesty and full-disclosure and I don't have a doubt in my mind how he feels about me. This relationship will probably get a bit expensive: I'm going to fly him back out here in a few weeks, but it's absolutely worth it. I get it now. I get how couples can be each other's best friend and want to do everything together. I have very little experience with this type of thing, but I think I could be falling in love.

It's funny. Everyone always said that you find someone once you stop looking, that love comes along when you least expect it. I was becoming so cynical and part of me was starting to prepare for the possibility of never finding anyone. Then, as I prepared to radically change my life, I really did stop looking. And that was all it took.

Lyrics of the Day

"Don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now." Joseph Arthur Honey and the Moon

Disconnected

All through the fairytale that was my first few days with Prince Charming and through the ensuing euphoria there was a small thing at the periphery, hovering just close enough to out-of-sight to be easily ignored. I could pretend that it wasn't there at all, that it had never been there (though it had been, and for far too long). But as the weeks have passed and the lack of any contact beyond the phone conversations has begun to wear on my mind and my heart, that little peripheral thing has been poking its head further and further into the center of my vision.

My fear of commitment.

Remember that little thing? It's haunted me for as long as I can remember. It pushed me into attraction to unavailable man after unavailable man. It caused me to turn away from more than one good man. And now it's crawling its way back into my life and I think that it's starting to get to me.

It's the in-between moments. When we're not talking. When I have too much time on my hands to ponder the "what if's" and "am I sure's". When I think about spending Memorial Day in New York City with Blondie and SJP and that it will be Fleet Week.

You see, I'm good at being single. I'm used to being on my own and being able to do what I want, when I want to do it, with whomever I choose. You all might have noticed that. I like the option of making out with a cute sailor at a bar in Manhattan without it being cheating or making eyes at a cute employee at my workplace without guilt. I'm not good at being in a relationship. The last time that I was in a relationship, it lasted less than three months and I poured my whole heart into it. I'm not sure anymore that I actually remembered to retrieve my heart after the fact.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on Prince Charming, and the doubts and worries in my brain aren't his fault. Truly, in any realistic estimation, PC has been a nearly perfect long-distance boyfriend. He calls every day, some days more than once. He says all the right things, complements me constantly, tells me that he misses me and can't wait to see me. And still, I sit here on my couch on Sunday night and I worry about whether or not I made the right decision and whether or not I even deserve the praise that he heaps on me.

Blech.

I'm hoping that all of this junk will fly out the window on Friday night when I pick Prince Charming up at the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. I'm hoping that the magic that brought us together in the first place will remind me why I was crazy enough to enter into a relationship with someone that I barely knew - and a long-distance relationship at that. And maybe it'll show me that I wasn't crazy at all. And maybe that little thing around the edges really could be on its way out of the picture altogether.

Lyrics of the Day

"So why you wanna be there, when you could be here? You are slipping away. I awake with your replacement, a bottle in my grasp, in an unfamiliar place." Lagwagon Violins