Addendum

I feel like I am not done writing yet.

There is a Danger in my brain. It's not just the half-bottle of wine speaking (that's a normal night for me, wait until I finish the other half), it's a Thing that bubbles in my neurons and I don't feel like I can control it all the time. I hardly ever control it. I think that it mostly It controls me.

Maybe it's just the Loneliness.

I hope so.

Lyrics of the Day

"So why do I get so lonely, when there really ain't nothing wrong. Cause I can sleep just fine when you hold me, can't sleep at all when you're gone. And why do I stay out drinking, when I should just get back home? I guess the company of strangers is better than drinking alone." Joe Purdy Why Do I

Starting Over

Well, it took almost three weeks exactly, but it's come to this: I've gotten lonely.

I forgot what this was like. I remember, intellectually, that it took me more than two years to really start finding true and valuable friendships in Los Angeles. But emotionally, being here and knowing that I'm not just in and out in three months or so - it's more of a struggle than I was really anticipating.

I've been on my own almost every night this week, with PC working, and mostly I prefer it that way. I can come home and unwind, decompress and do my own thing. But I'm feeling more and more each night that weighty fact that I don't have my own friends here. I don't know anyone really, outside of my new coworkers. And don't get me wrong, my new coworkers are surprisingly cool and I know that we will hang out, but the lack of a friend or core group of friends is becoming apparent.

After all of this, this search for love and companionship, I'm in a relationship and I find myself longing for the thing that I've always had and occasionally took for granted: friends.

Is there some way to internet date for friends?

Lyrics of the Day

"You've got a new friend. Likes to go movies, likes to drink red wine. A film school drunk can be so hard to find." The Good Life A New Friend

Changes

I've been absent, and during this time, so much has happened.

I've finally done what many of you have been suggesting - you not knowing exactly what I was doing career-wise and why I was doing it. The traveling job gig was good, but in November I saw an online posting for a permanent job that seemed too good to pass up, so I sent my resume in.

Long-story short I interviewed for, and accepted a permanent job in southwest Florida (where it's WARM). Last weekend, after a nearly-3000 mile trek from Montana, PC and I arrived in Fort Myers, Florida to put down some roots and really see how things will be.

Pertaining to my last post: I think that I was displacing feelings. It's very difficult for me to compartmentalize completely and I tend to take just about everything out on whoever is around me at the time. Unluckily for PC, he's always there and is an easy target for my negative emotions. Though I'm still not sure how (or if) things will go for us, I'm now more conscious of where my feelings are coming from and try to check myself when I'm being unnecessarily negative. This is not to say that I'm completely sure about us now, but I'm now being more realistic and I'm willing to see how it plays out from here.

As you know, we have not really had a chance to test the relationship in any normal-life situation. Beyond the usual relationship trials and tribulations, we've had innumerable outside stresses that have made things tougher than they probably would have been had we met when we were both in stable situations. And it is entirely possible that I am off-base and that things will still be just as difficult and as much of a struggle now that we're going to be settled for the foreseeable future. But maybe not. Maybe this stability will show me (and us) that we really do want to be together and that we can do it realistically in a real-life setting.

So now we're in a wait and see situation. We are settling (as of last Saturday) into this beautiful place, with amazing weather (there's a cold-front moving through - it may get down to 50 degrees! And that's COLD for SW FL.), and great people so far. I'm liking my new job, PC has a job or 3 so far and it's ridiculously cheap to live down here. I'm hoping that I like it enough to look into buying a house toward the end of this year (while the market is still tanked) and we're going to take this time to see how the relationship is really going to play out. I can't lie. I can't tell you that I'm sure that it will go either way. But for now, things are pretty good and I'm willing to give it a bit longer to feel sure that I know which way it should go.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well she tapped me on the shoulder, she said, "Lets go inside, 'cause I've been looking all day long for someplace good to hide. We can ride it out, we can ride it downtown." Joe Purdy Cinderella and the A-Train