Single No More

As I said before, things have changed.

I am no longer the girl that I was when I started this blog. For one thing, I turned thirty. I've left the mistakes and uncertainty of my twenties behind and I feel no need to look back. I'm also no longer confused, no longer looking, no longer wondering about the "why"s and "how"s of love and relationships. The answer is: Because.

Because you suddenly cannot imagine your life in any other way. Because you suddenly find yourself in a world that is gray when he's not beside you. Because you can be absolutely, completely, utterly yourself and he still looks at you like you're his own, personal angel.

Bombshell of bombshells: Joe Montana and I are getting married.

He popped the question on May 21st, with my grandmother's ring. My family was ready to hand it over after Thanksgiving, barely 5 months into our relationship.

Living with Joe Montana (since February, when he came down here from Montana) has been amazing. I cannot believe how easy every day is with him, even when things aren't so easy. He is more than I ever could have imagined. I've never been one to believe in things like Soulmates, or The One. But he is. He is The One.

For months, I've been ruminating on where to go with the writing, on how to carry on. And I've been distracted, jealous of my time with Joe Montana, feeling that every moment is special and important and it's so hard to tear myself away. But I do want to continue writing. I want to continue for me, because it's good for me. But I also want to continue for anyone out there that was where I was before I got together with Joe.

A year ago (tomorrow, actually) I was resolutely single. I was quite, and almost contentedly, sure that I was going to go it alone. I knew that things like marriage and coupledom weren't for me, and I was okay with that. I was almost happy about it. Compared to the catastrophes that I had weathered, being by myself was a refuge. It was safe.

And here I am. I'm planning a wedding that doesn't matter to me nearly as much as the marriage that I get to share with a man that I love more than breathing. I'm trying to reconcile my old, independent self with this new self that hurts when he's gone (as he is now, sent to North Carolina by his job, for two weeks that include the weekend of our anniversary) and can't seem to enjoy things as much with out him as with him. I'm here, thinking of how I want to write about what it's like to be in love. Not just in love, but in love now, here. To be in love in this time when love and relationships are so fleeting and I've found a man who promises me 54 years of love. (Due to his odd refusal to promise to live to be older than 86 is the time limit, and one I'm determined to convince him to reconsider.) So this is going to be my, somewhat hackneyed, focus in my next blogging endeavor. Love. Modern Love. Lasting, lifelong love.

And, despite the odds against it, how it can ultimately triumph over all.

Lyrics of the Day

"Ahh home. Yes, I am home. Home is when I'm alone with you." Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros Home

Lucky

How can I sum up what is now happening in my life without resorting to tired cliches or sounding like a Nicholas Sparks novel? Well, kids, I'm not entirely sure that I can. But, as usual, I'm going to give it the old college try. (Cliche #1. You can make this into a game. Every time I use a hopeless cliche, take a drink! You can then judge me as a writer by how drunk you are able to get by the end of this post.)

Remember when I talked about selling out? It's done. It's sold. It's been wrapped up, the shop's closed, the lights have been turned out. Whatever idea I had in my head regarding the noble cynicism of remaining single for-e-ver, it no longer applies to me. This is not to say that I'm a full convert to the side of marriage and coupling up. I'm not. I still think that it's beyond stupid to be in a relationship for the sake of not being alone and I can't even imagine the idea of deciding to marry someone that you have even the tiniest of doubts about. But I think I'm managing to defy the odds here. And here is where I go all sorts of sappy on you...

You know all those things that you're supposed to feel about the person that you choose to spend your life with? That they're your best friend, that you would support them in anything, that you would take a bullet for them, that they are the best, most wonderful person ever to walk the earth? Yeah. I feel those things. It's seriously embarrassing to see them laid out on the page like this, but it's all true. These are the feelings that I always thought I should be feeling for other men in my life; these are the feelings that I spent a good deal of time faking or convincing myself would come. Loving someone just for who they are? Check. Not wanting to imagine your life without them? Check. Wanting to become that cute old couple holding hands in the park? Check, checkity check.

(I hope you're drinking! Or throwing up in your mouth. I couldn't blame you.)

Someone commented on my last post, curious as to what is different about Joe Montana. Well, pretty much all of the above. But some of it is also base compatibility. We have a ton in common, but we also compliment each other. Where I'm high-strung, he's laid back. Where he gets stressed, I am calm and confident. There has always been space for one of us to be the cheerleader when the other needs a boost. It's pretty amazing actually. There is also nothing abusive or manipulative in his behavior - something that has been a problem for me in the past. I won't belabor the point, but everything that raised red flags early on in my last relationship has been completely absent here.

So now is the time for steps. The most exciting step is that Joe Montana is about to become Joe Florida. Well, I'm not actually changing his name, but he is changing locations. JM is joining me in Florida and he should be here, fittingly, by Superbowl Sunday. This step, moving in with him, means more than it may seem. After my last disaster, I vowed never again to have a live-in boyfriend. I am now of the mind that moving in together should not be a rung on the relationship ladder that falls between dating exclusively and getting married. I think that, for me at least, moving in together can't be a trial period or something that you do so that you can delay having to make the decision of whether or not you want to marry someone. To me, moving in means that a bigger commitment is already made. And I'm making that commitment. Taking that step.

The next step is a step away. I think that I have outgrown this particular space. There are no longer many misses in my adventures and there certainly isn't any more internet dating. This doesn't mean that I'm abandoning you all or that I'm done indulging my latent narcissism anonymously. It just means that I think I'm going to shift my focus and my location. I haven't done anything definitive yet, and you'll be the first to know when I do, but the move is coming. I hope you'll take this step with me.

Lyrics of the Day

"So if you wanna be with me, with these things there's no telling, we'll just have to wait and see. But I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery. Besides maybe this time it's different, I mean I really think you like me." Bright Eyes First Day of My Life

No Angle

I think about you all a lot. I think about posting. I think about telling you about Joe Montana and everything that happens and everything that I'm thinking. But then I don't. And another day passes.

So I've been wondering what it is that is keeping me away. Then I realized what it is. I have no angle on Joe Montana.

You know how it is. Nobody reads blogs for earnest self-expression and heartfelt words of emotion. People (myself included) read for entertainment. And maybe to identify with the author in some way. But not many people are interested in keeping up with something that resembles a 14-year-old's diary.

That's the problem here. I can't seem to take my relationship with Joe Montana and give it a spin. I can't make it entertaining. I can pretty much only tell you things that will make you want to lose your lunch.

Lyrics of the Day

"While you were sitting in the backseat, smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you. And I never told you til just now." Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros Home