Tonight it just occurred to me that I might not be as in-control of my own thoughts and emotions as I think I am. Once again I, horribly ashamed of myself, am watching Grey's Anatomy and crying for little to no reason. And I'm thinking how I've got to find a way to break up with PC and make him understand the reason and then I sort of have a realization.
What if all this stuff that is going on with my dad is changing the way that my brain is trying to process my relationship?
Things have been pretty good. Especially in comparison to how they were in Ohio, things have been quite good. PC is pulling his own weight financially and giving me more space (he's actually out right now, allowing me to cry and watch Grey's and write) and we're hardly ever fighting. And yet, I'm apathetic. I look at him and I know that I have feelings for him and I still feel like being with him is more of a burden than being without him. It's not fair. It's horribly unfair and yet I know that I'm doing it and I keep doing it.
We even talked about it. I told him how I'm feeling and how it's not fair. Somehow he doesn't agree. Somehow he thinks that this will pass and that we will work out.
Inside of me, I know this isn't true.
But what if I'm wrong? My father is dying - however slowly it's happening - and it's almost harder to watch what it's doing to my mom than it is to watch what's happening to him. She has to be strong and be the rock and still know that the man she's spent nearly 35 years with is going to be gone. How can anyone want to commit to that? How could I really want to commit my life to someone when this is how it turns out?
I don't know. I don't know what's behind my feelings. I don't know if they will resolve or change or whether I'll keep coasting until I realize that's all I'm doing.
Lyrics of the Day
"It's all the good that won't come out of me and all the stupid lies I hide behind. It's such a big mistake, lying here in your warm embrace." Rilo Kiley The Good That Won't Come Out
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