The End of an Era

All of this time, I have been constantly reassured in my relationship with The Kid that it is a finite thing, that it couldn't become more than it is because I'm packing up and leaving this month. Though I have had that reassurance, I have often gotten the feeling from The Kid that he would want more from the relationship if he could have it. Being the selfish bastard that I am, I ignored these little signs in favor of continuing the casual nature of our interaction. I rationalized that if it really became an issue, he would say something and I could address it at that time.

As my days dwindle to almost nothing and the time that I have left to spend with The Kid gets shorter and shorter, things become just a little strange. He behaves a bit more like a boyfriend than I'm necessarily comfortable with, but I just go with the flow anyway. We stay up talking after sex more than we ever did before, he cuddles with me just a bit more on the few nights when I stay over. Up until Sunday night, we had just sort of danced around the fact that I was leaving - mentioning it but never really dwelling on it or discussing the fact that it meant that this little arrangement was going to end.

On Sunday night, I agreed to take The Sister to watch The Kid perform with his improv group. I realize that agreeing to do this was almost a breach of our arrangement, but I figured that it was the nice thing to do; a small, kind gesture of farewell. So long and thanks for all the dick, and whatnot. I knew that I was in trouble when he came out and sat next to me after his part of the performance was over. But, as I said before, I was really just going with the flow. The Kid's roommates and a buddy also came to the show and afterwards The Sis and I ended up hanging out with them all night. We went back to The Kid's place and goofed off and drank and actually had a really good time. But as the night wore on and we'd had a few drinks, The Kid got more and more affectionate. At one point he even said to me, "It's not like I'm not going to miss you." I stumbled, not really knowing what to say to that and ended up spitting out a lame, "It has been good." I can't convey tone here, but I was trying to be casually complimentary, yet non-committal. I have no idea if I actually succeeded or not.

I have genuine feelings of affection for The Kid, I really do. He's a sweet person and funny and I've enjoyed the time that I've spent hanging out with him. I don't regret any decision I've made related to our interactions, nor would I change the way that things have happened or turned out. But I do have these creeping feelings of guilt whenever I sense that he's expressing more to me than I feel for him. He knows the score as well as I do, but I still feel sort of bad for not caring more.

The strangest twist of all was that The Sister really liked him. The Sis is rather more judgemental than I am and I was nervous about taking her to the show in the first place because I thought she'd be really critical of The Kid. But in an unexpected turn of events, she thought he was great. He played guitar and sang and she thought he was really talented (I don't disagree, I was just surprised at her reaction). She actually told me that if I were staying she would talk me into really dating him. I was struck dumb.

Either way, it's a moot point. I'm leaving on Sunday and he's leaving for a family vacation on Thursday. Tonight is possibly the last night that I will see him, though I'm not ruling out a later-night booty call tomorrow if he's open to it. I don't think there will be any climactic outpourings of emotion or last-minute revelations - I think that we'll just do things as we usually do and then we'll go on our merry ways. What else is there to do, really?

Lyrics of the Day

"Lookin' towards the future, we were begging for the past. Well we knew we'd had the good things but those never seem to last, oh please just last." Modest Mouse Missed the Boat