Homesick

I've been quiet these past few days because reality finally set in for me here in Baltimore. The first 2 weeks were a honeymoon: figuring out the new job, exploring the new apartment, wrangling my bottles of wine in a county that only allows liquor sales at a liquor store. But on Friday it all started to sink in and I got a bit depressed. I started questioning everything: my decision to leave LA (like I hadn't spent the past 3 years hating most of it), the decision to travel the country ALONE, the relationship that I just jumped headlong into.

Thankfully, the doubts and depression only lasted two days. I had a good talk with Red and possibly a little too much of that wine that I found and woke up early on Sunday morning, ready to put my running shoes on and get my feet back on the ground.

It's been more eye-opening than I had initially anticipated, this sudden and complete change of life. It's been easier and harder and scarier and more fun than I ever thought it would be. Being away from all of the people that I love is strange and hard, but I'm meeting new people and I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be all that long until I'm back in California again.

As for Prince Charming, as I said, he's still in the picture. We've known each other for OVER THREE WEEKS now, so it's like we've been married for 25 years. Or not - but we are getting to know each other as best we can. It's funny, it's almost like having an internet relationship - I'm getting to know someone solely over the phone and email and yet I'm forming a real relationship with him. The big (HUGE, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS) advantage I have is that I already know that I find him irresistible. And we've discussed the fact that it's actually not a horrible thing that we have to get to know each other this way, because if we were actually in the same room we wouldn't actually get to know each other at all. We'd be too busy getting to know each other in the biblical sense to care what the other person had to say or was all about. So we're making do with what we have. AND...

He'll be here (in Charm City) in less than two weeks. I'm so excited I can barely keep my pants on.

Lyrics of the Day

"If you could choose anyone, would you place your bet on me to slay all these dragons and cross these uncrossable seas? If given the chance would you come sail away with me?" Aaron Espe Dragons

The Goodbye

Prince Charming had to work until midnight that second night, which was a Friday. I had dinner plans with The Mother and The Sister and so after dinner I just had time to shave my legs and get pretty before he called and I headed up to his house in North Hollywood. When I arrived there was no moment of doubt, no question about how to act or whether he liked me. I walked up, he kissed me and we went into the house.

Being as sleep deprived as I was, the details of that night, and much of the rest of the weekend, are more blurred than I would like. But I guess that's a price you have to pay for such a strange and wonderful meeting as I had. At the end of the night, it was really sometime in the morning by this point, Prince Charming made good on a forced promise that I communicated from The Mother: he helped me get a few hours of sleep. While I lay with my head in the hollow of his shoulder (a spot that seemed made especially for me, even that early on), PC told me a story until I fell asleep.

* * *

My going away party on Saturday night was a rousing success. I was actually surprised and honored by how many people came and by the wonderful things that they did for me and said to me. I never thought that leaving LA would be so hard, but it really was. I made so many wonderful friends there, met such fantastic people, it made the city home to me in a way that it could never have been on its own. I spent half of the night sobbing my eyes out with my arms around people that I love.

Prince Charming had to work that night as well, but he made his way from Universal City to Santa Monica as soon as he was able to. On the third night he knew me, PC met The Sister and The Mother. I couldn't believe it myself. The Parents had not met a boy of mine since The Ex, which had been almost exactly 2 years earlier. (Actually, The Ex is the only post-high school boyfriend that The Father ever met. The Father is not an easy to approach sort of man and I would never subject my chicken-shit suitors to his imposing countenance.) Though the meeting was brief and The Sister was in the middle of strife with her own man, the first impressions were positive.

I went home with PC one last time that night and we spent the few remaining hours together that we had. I was nearly delirious from emotions and lack of sleep, but those few hours were worth the sleep deprivation.

It was on the drive back to the hotel room that we had rented near the party location that things had to get serious. There was no way that this meeting could have been dismissed as a few days of "fun". There was too much connection, too much exchanged to just leave it at that. Being the commitment-phobe that I am, this was the hard part for me. For the first time, I stammered, I balked, I was nervous. I even had doubts. How could we realistically enter into any sort of relationship after knowing each other for a mere THREE DAYS. But my momentary misgivings weren't enough - not even for this faint heart. In the end, we agreed that there was too much potential, too much connection not to give it a try. We didn't want to look back on this meeting and think, "What if we had?"

And so, at about 6:00 am on Easter Sunday (two years, to the holiday, since The Ex had ripped my heart out and left it lying on his sap-stained sidewalk) I kissed my new boyfriend (oh yes, I really just said that) goodbye, or rather, see you later. We made plans for him to visit me in Baltimore and vice-versa, and to talk later that day. And then I walked up the hotel stairs to pack my things and start the drive to Montana.

Lyrics of the Day

"I met someone at the bar. He had a great smile and a great heart. He felt just like love, except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough." Maria Taylor Clean Getaway

The Next Day

Somehow, on no sleep, I made it to the dentist the next day and then I made it to the Uhaul center to pick up my truck and then I made it to help The Sister use the Uhaul to move some of her stuff into storage. The Mother was also in town at this time to help me drive my Uhaul of junk back up to Montana where I was planning to store everything during my stint traveling around the country.

The moment I walked in the door, The Sister caught on to my shit-eating grin. She asked me what I was so happy about and I told her that I had met a boy. "You had sex last night, didn't you?!" This is the standard question from The Sis any time that she thinks I got laid, and she's usually right. I grinned sheepishly and nodded. The Mother entered the room minutes later and that little scene was replayed almost word for word. I had contemplated not spilling the beans so quickly, but obviously there's nothing that I can hide from my family - nor do I really want to hide anything. I've always told The Sis everything, and I've told The Mother everything since I was about 19; they are honest relationships that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I spent the morning and early afternoon in a sleep-deprived, twitterpated haze. The three of us girls loaded up the Uhaul with The Sister's things and made plans for the evening. I parted ways with my fam to run to my now-former workplace to tie up a couple of loose ends. While I was there, I heard the text message sound from my cell phone. Expecting some kind of update or request from The Sis, I open my phone.

(For those of the queasy persuasion, or anyone who is pregnant, may be pregnant or has heart trouble please read the following text message with caution.)

"Hey sweetie, hope youre not too sleepy today and you got those teeth nice and clean. Cant wait to see you tonight. p.s. youre wonderful :)"

Okay, yes, I know that if you're not the love-struck recipient of this text message it's nausea-inducing. But my heart skipped a beat. There was always the thought in the back of my mind that he wouldn't contact me, though we had talked about getting together when he got off of work at midnight the following night. I'm not a Rules kind of girl, but even I know that sleeping with someone on the first date (much less the first night you've met) isn't the best idea. And yet, somehow, it hadn't been the wrong thing to do. Somehow, this guy was excited about me as I was about him and I really was going to see him again that very night...

Lyrics of the Day

"Fix your hair just right, put your jeans on tight, wear a dress so I can get it off real easy, 'cause I've been thinking I'd like to see your eyes open up real wide the minute that you see me." Counting Crows Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes to Hollywood)

That Night

So, being the impulsive and rule-resisting person that I am, I went back to Prince Charming's house with him. I promised myself that it would be innocent, that I would only let it go so far - and that's never been a hard promise for me to keep.

Never once that evening had I felt nervous or uncomfortable, and that didn't change once we got to his place. I feel like I'm sounding like I'm romanticizing this, or that I'm overstating what I felt - but I'm not. There was nothing weird about this at all; every word, every kiss (and there were an increasing number of those), every interaction felt so natural. There's usually a self-consciousness or a timidity to first time romantic-type interactions, but there really wasn't any of this here. I didn't know what I was expecting or what I was hoping for, I was just rolling with it.

For awhile, we were mostly talking. I can't even remember now what it was that we were talking about, but it all came effortlessly. Eventually there was less and less talking and more and more kissing. I remember that when I was dating The Ex, I thought that he had to have been close to the top (if not at the top) of my list of great kissers. And you know, there was actually a time in my life where I kept a mental list of the top five, but I've kissed far too many frogs since then to have kept track. But I digress. My point is that Prince Charming wins. He tops whatever hypothetical list I had or will have or could conjure up. It's not just that he's a fantastic kisser, though that's a lot of it, it's that we mesh.

I was talking to The Sister yesterday and she was saying that when you're in a relationship that is Right, there are physical ways in which you and your mate will just 'fit together'. And as much as I give her crap about her new-agey type spirituality, I actually agree with her. The science of attraction has so much to do with varieties of compatibility that I can't help but be convinced that being able to fit another person like a jigsaw puzzle piece is a great indicator of whether or not that person could be right for you in the long run. And that's what kissing Prince Charming is like. It's like completing a puzzle - not one of those easy, 150 piece puzzles though. It's like finishing one of those table-sized 5000 piece puzzles that you just didn't think you would ever be able to put together entirely.

Have I lost you all yet?

I know this is unlike me, but I'm being straight with you. This is really what it all felt like, what it all still feels like, and when I finally caved and slept with Prince Charming that night, I didn't regret it. I didn't regret it during, or after, or at 7 am when I was driving to the dentist's office after not having slept at all. It was an experience that was so perfect that I wouldn't have regretted it even if he had never called me again.

But he did...

Lyrics of the Day

"Kiss me wont you kiss me now, and sleep I would inside your mouth." Dave Matthews Band Lover Lay Down

The Curse

When Red and I set out on our last official Girls' Night Out on Thursday, April 5, we had no idea where the evening would take us.

We began with a plan to hit a local swanky joint in Red's neighborhood. It was a bar that I had never been to and I was really up for anything. I just wanted one last night out with my favorite girl before I left LA. When we drove by said swanky bar, there was a crazy crowd outside - especially for a mere Thursday night. We immediately decided to search for friendlier waters, and Red said she knew of another place just down the street. I said, "Oh, the Fox & Hound?" She said, "No, that wasn't what I was thinking of, but I love that place let's go there." So there we went...

Somehow, in a town full of beautiful and aggressive women, we found the one bar in LA that was FILLED with men. The moment that we walked into the place, we were bombarded with suitors from every angle. Very early on, Red uttered the words that she never should have uttered - The Curse:

"Wouldn't that be funny if you met the man of your dreams tonight since you're leaving in 3 days?"

That bitch.

She jinxed me.

At some point, as I was talking to a pair of very nice young men, I noticed that Red was talking to some much cuter young men. Being that it was my last real night out, I felt entitled to a little shallowness - so I excused myself from the company I was surrounded by and made my way over to Red and the cute boys. After a few minutes of conversation, a particularly adorable boy sort of approached me from the side and we struck up a bit of conversation.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't talk to anyone else for the rest of the night. From the moment that Prince Charming and I began talking in earnest, we couldn't seem to focus on anyone else. Suddenly the bar was closing and I just couldn't say goodbye to the Prince. The Prince, the two remaining fellows, Red and I decided to go to the house of the other two fellows for a "night cap".

When we arrived at the apartment, the fixation on each other continued. We isolated ourselves in a hallway and continued talking about anything and everything. At some point, we leaned in for the first kiss and it was electric. I think that I was halfway to head-over-heels right then and there. When Red got tired of telling one of the apartment's occupants that she had a boyfriend and that she had no intention of sleeping with him (true to her fabulous form, she had ventured to the apartment with me because she is the best wing-woman in the world), she decided it was time to call it a night.

Again, Prince Charming and I couldn't say goodbye. There was too much chemistry. My mind was reeling. I hadn't felt this kind of connection with someone since I had broken up with The Ex almost exactly two years earlier. This far exceeded the attraction and connection I felt with Irish. I was leaving town in three days and I had just met someone that I desperately wanted to know more about, to know better. Whatever was I to do?

Lyrics of the Day

"I've seen love go by my door, it's never been this close before. Never been so easy or so slow." Bob Dylan You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law states, basically, that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And what could possibly go so horribly wrong for me just three days before I was to move out of Los Angeles for good?

Oh! I know!

I could meet Prince Charming.

In the nearly six years that I lived in Los Angeles, I went to countless bars with countless people and not once did I ever meet a guy with whom I could have a relationship. I never even went home with a guy I met in a bar. There was a random make-out session or two in there, but really that was about it. I really, firmly believed that it was impossible to meet a man in a bar in LA. I actually wrote an entire diatribe about it last year.

So what do I do last Thursday night (the Thursday before I was moving out of LA on Sunday, just to clarify)? I meet possibly the most perfect guy I've ever met in my entire life.

There is so much to tell, so much really dorky, girly, gushy stuff that I want to share with you all - but I'm still in the throes of my crazy cross-country move. I'm in Montana right now, but only until Saturday morning when I fly off to Baltimore. After I get to Baltimore and get just a bit more settled, I'm going to bore the crap out of you with all of the details of how I think I could possibly be on my way to falling head-over-heels for Prince Charming.

"Wait a second," you say. "This does not sound like the LB that we've come to know and only be slightly annoyed by."

Well, you're not wrong. I'm wearing rose-colored glasses. I'm all hearts and butterflies and bunny rabbits right now. I'm actually almost making myself nauseous with all of the cuteness and the optimism. But you know what? I'm also enjoying the hell out of it.

Stay tuned...

Lyrics of the Day

"Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go." Bright Eyes First Day of My Life

The End of an Era

All of this time, I have been constantly reassured in my relationship with The Kid that it is a finite thing, that it couldn't become more than it is because I'm packing up and leaving this month. Though I have had that reassurance, I have often gotten the feeling from The Kid that he would want more from the relationship if he could have it. Being the selfish bastard that I am, I ignored these little signs in favor of continuing the casual nature of our interaction. I rationalized that if it really became an issue, he would say something and I could address it at that time.

As my days dwindle to almost nothing and the time that I have left to spend with The Kid gets shorter and shorter, things become just a little strange. He behaves a bit more like a boyfriend than I'm necessarily comfortable with, but I just go with the flow anyway. We stay up talking after sex more than we ever did before, he cuddles with me just a bit more on the few nights when I stay over. Up until Sunday night, we had just sort of danced around the fact that I was leaving - mentioning it but never really dwelling on it or discussing the fact that it meant that this little arrangement was going to end.

On Sunday night, I agreed to take The Sister to watch The Kid perform with his improv group. I realize that agreeing to do this was almost a breach of our arrangement, but I figured that it was the nice thing to do; a small, kind gesture of farewell. So long and thanks for all the dick, and whatnot. I knew that I was in trouble when he came out and sat next to me after his part of the performance was over. But, as I said before, I was really just going with the flow. The Kid's roommates and a buddy also came to the show and afterwards The Sis and I ended up hanging out with them all night. We went back to The Kid's place and goofed off and drank and actually had a really good time. But as the night wore on and we'd had a few drinks, The Kid got more and more affectionate. At one point he even said to me, "It's not like I'm not going to miss you." I stumbled, not really knowing what to say to that and ended up spitting out a lame, "It has been good." I can't convey tone here, but I was trying to be casually complimentary, yet non-committal. I have no idea if I actually succeeded or not.

I have genuine feelings of affection for The Kid, I really do. He's a sweet person and funny and I've enjoyed the time that I've spent hanging out with him. I don't regret any decision I've made related to our interactions, nor would I change the way that things have happened or turned out. But I do have these creeping feelings of guilt whenever I sense that he's expressing more to me than I feel for him. He knows the score as well as I do, but I still feel sort of bad for not caring more.

The strangest twist of all was that The Sister really liked him. The Sis is rather more judgemental than I am and I was nervous about taking her to the show in the first place because I thought she'd be really critical of The Kid. But in an unexpected turn of events, she thought he was great. He played guitar and sang and she thought he was really talented (I don't disagree, I was just surprised at her reaction). She actually told me that if I were staying she would talk me into really dating him. I was struck dumb.

Either way, it's a moot point. I'm leaving on Sunday and he's leaving for a family vacation on Thursday. Tonight is possibly the last night that I will see him, though I'm not ruling out a later-night booty call tomorrow if he's open to it. I don't think there will be any climactic outpourings of emotion or last-minute revelations - I think that we'll just do things as we usually do and then we'll go on our merry ways. What else is there to do, really?

Lyrics of the Day

"Lookin' towards the future, we were begging for the past. Well we knew we'd had the good things but those never seem to last, oh please just last." Modest Mouse Missed the Boat