Dirty Little Secrets

I’ve been keeping secrets. I know that I swore I was going to get back to my fundamental honesty, but I may have fibbed – just a little, just a couple of times.

After my last date with AlienSpider, I knew it was done. I wrote a post about it being done. I vowed to take care of it quickly and just be through with the whole mess. But I didn’t. I kept putting it off. Some horribly lazy, apathetic part of me wished that he would just get the message and stop contacting me. I know that goes against all I’ve aimed for in Good Dating Karma, but I just wasn’t in the mood for another painful I-don’t-want-to-see-you-anymore conversation. But alas, he wasn’t getting the picture. Just as I didn’t get it with Tall Guy until it was nearly already over. We traded sporadic calls and text messages for a week and a half. I knew that I was just drawing it out and torturing us both – but I couldn’t help it. Then, finally, last night I bit the bullet and went through with it. It was mercifully simple and short. I think that he saw it coming, but was just sort of hoping that it wasn’t. I give him a ton of credit for being so sweet during the whole debacle. He just really wasn’t my type in the end, and I shouldn’t have resisted that fact as much as did. Oh well, chalk it up to Another Lesson Learned.

This all brings me to the Dirty Biggish Secret; this is the real thing that I’ve been hiding from all of you, and for nearly a month now. I’m tired of dating. There. I said it. I’ve been doing this for 4 months straight now, with barely a handful of decent dates to show for it, and no actual connections with anyone. I gave up every night off some weeks in the pursuit of a decent interpersonal connection, I spent countless hours emailing and talking on the phone with prospective suitors, I paid a decent sum of money to use the services of Match.com and eHarmony. In the end, none of it has done me any good. So I’m going to do it: I’m going on hiatus.

Now, don’t panic. I’m going to keep writing, and there may still be some dates in the near future, but I have got to give the internet thing a rest. I’ve realized that my selection process and the things that make me attracted to someone are such that, when combined, they make me extremely ill-suited for internet dating. I’m looking for that rare cross between intellectual and physical attraction – and I just can’t judge either adequately online. And I may still do what I’ve been talking about almost since the beginning of this blog, and rejoin Nerve.com to give their personals another shot, but not yet. I need a little time off. I need a little me time.

I have found, through the course of this blog, that I’ve learned more about myself by dating and writing than I really expected to. Having to coherently organize my thoughts, and really, explain myself in a way has been very good for me. So, while I’m on this little dating hiatus, I think that I will revisit a few of my past experiences and see if I can gain any new perspective on them. Maybe, helpful readers, you can help me gain perspective on them too.

Lyrics of the Day

"It does not bother me to say this isn't love, because if you don't want to talk about it, then it isn't love and I guess I'm going to have to live that." Counting Crows Anna Begins

Blogger in Beta

I have an actual, real post to put up today, but I'm having such a moment of distress that I'm unable to keep from talking about it. For some reason, I decided that I had to jump the gun and switch over into the new Blogger Beta format. Unfortunately, I had no idea what I was doing when I got myself into this. So if anyone has trouble with my blog, I apologize profusely, I really had no idea there were still so many bugs in the new system. In many ways I'm still a neophyte to a lot of this technology.

One of the major glitches is that people who are still using regular Blogger cannot log in to Beta and comment with their user IDs. I think this is ridiculously lame, but hopefully it's on the road to being fixed. For the time being, if you choose "other" you can still use your name and your blog URL to leave me comments. And if you guys didn't already know this - I live for the comments!

Also, if you're having problems viewing with certain browsers (like Safari), they're promising to fix that in the near future.

Cleaning House

I really meant to do a real blog entry today, but at some point I got so much junk thrown at me at once that I thought I was going to go nutty. I took lunch two hours late. So much for the light Tuesday that I was hoping for!

But, I just had to gush for a moment about the most exciting thing that I just decided to do. I am paying someone to clean my house for me! My work and social obligations have kept me so busy and so tired lately that this task has seemed more and more insurmountable as the days have passed, and I've been stumped as to what to do about it. But here I am, finally biting the bullet and paying someone to do it for me!

Tomorrow night I shall come home to a house that will be cleaner than it probably has been since I moved in. Hallelujah!

Best Laid Plans

The weekend ended up going fairly well, though there were some rocky starts and the Sunday plans ended up being scrapped altogether. Some highlights:

Friday

• The bar that SJP chose for her going-away party was strangely busy, even early in the evening. We spent half of the night fighting for space with the ever-growing group of revellers.
• An old friend-sort-of-person of mine, who I call My Husband for reasons that would take at least one entire blog entry to begin to explain, talked me into doing shots (only 2, but 2 more than I needed) at the end of the night. Fortunately I didn't feel the full effect of these until I got home, so there wasn't another "LB fell asleep at the bar" story to add to my repertoire.
• My friend LAJ (who is the same friend from this story from way back in May) had a bit much to drink that night. I was grabbing a ride home with her and Friend Guy and as we were walking out of the bar's large courtyard LAJ shot her arm out, took hold of a cute guy (who also happened to be a complete stranger) and kissed him full on the mouth. She released and walked on as if nothing had happened.

Saturday

• The Sister's birthday accidentally started out as a ladies' night at Barney's Beanery (which I learned is the 3rd oldest restaurant in LA - famously the last place that Janis Joplin had a drink), which was a ton of fun. The Sis, her girl Jam, my girl Red and I were the first to meet up. The sister was feeling strangely enthusiastic about getting to the fun, so we may have started a little too quickly on the shots. Then two more of The Sister's friends showed up, and we started taking some of the 135 photos that were taken (and that's only with my camera!) that evening.
• Luke Wilson and Johnny Knoxville happened to be hanging out at this bar that night too - a fun little birthday celeb sitting for The Sis. Jam (on her way to extreme drunkenness) tried to strike up a conversation with Luke (because he's adorable, that's why!), but he didn't seem to be feeling very social. Which seems like a contradiction, since Barney's has a notoriously social atmosphere.
• We walked back to The Sister's after the bar closed (but quite a while after, inexplicably) and somehow managed to stay up passed 4 am. Why oh why?

Sunday

• We had all sorts of plans and we ended up....... going to IHOP. Jam, The Sis and I were so hungover and/or tired that we managed to eat some greasy food and then spent the rest of the day sleeping and/or lazing it all off. Of course, that's always my idea of a perfect Sunday.

I haven't heard back from WY Guy since I emailed him last - which I'm a little confused about. He had emailed me through Match, and included his personal email address at the bottom. Wanting to minimize my time on Match (I'm sort of hiding from some people on there right now), I sent him an email from my personal email address and of course I identified myself in the subject line. But I haven't heard back, and it's been nearly a week. See what I meant about counting chickens?

Lyrics of the Day

"But we're all happy, 'cause the streets they're always there for us and it's quite scary when you wake up in the same old clubs." Shout Out Louds Please Please Please

The Weekend Ahead

This weekend will bring a mixed-bag of events, and of emotions as well. First and foremost, my fabulous friend SJP is leaving me! She's going off to Harvard on Monday to go to grad school, so she's having her going-away extravaganza tonight. It's hard to believe that she'll be gone, even though it's only for a year. We've been friends for so much of my time in LA that I'm having a hard time imagining the city without her. The upside is that I'll get to visit her in Boston, where I've never been.

Sunday is The Sister's birthday, so Saturday night is going to be her birthday celebration. I have very mixed feelings about spending the whole weekend with her. It's going to be fun, of course, but she's also going through boy-turmoil, and I don't know how much of that I'm going to be able to tolerate. I'm of the school of thought that if it takes that much effort, and if you have that hard of a time getting along and being happy, then you're not with the right person. But she's more stubborn about breaking up with people than anyone I know, so there's bound to be further drama before things finally come to an end. That said, there are some good activities on the menu - haircuts and shopping tomorrow, the bar tomorrow night, brunch on Sunday morning and the Silverlake street fair (or something) on Sunday afternoon. The Sis says that Cheese will be there in Silverlake, but I am promising myself not to get all involved in my attraction to him. No more unavailable men, damn it! That's an order!

I've invited The Figa Master and Red to join me at The Sis's birthday, so I'll have some moral support and partners in crime. Now, if I can just remember that picking up guys in bars is useless, I'll be okay.

Lyrics of the Day

"Silently closing her bedroom door, leaving the note that she hoped would say more, she goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief. Quietly turning the backdoor key, stepping outside she is free." The Beatles She's Leaving Home

It’s Over

My little heart is breaking.

All of my hopes have been dashed.

Brit Nurse is no longer single.

I have no idea whether the girl that he was spotted with is the same girlfriend that he broke up with and they’re back together, or if this is a new one. But I seem to have missed my window.

Pardon me while I cry myself to sleep.

Lyrics of the Day

“I'm on the outside of love, always under or above. Must be a different view to be a me with a you.” Nada Surf Inside of Love

My Double Standard

When I was in the throes of my infatuation with Tall Guy (who I was referring to as My New Boyfriend at that point), there were a thousand signals that he just wasn’t that into me. He never called me the day after a date, he was always the one to end the date, toward the end he started postponing dates and narrowing his availability. But I was so blinded by my hopes that he could be someone worth seeing for a while that I conveniently ignored all the warning signs. Once I figured it all out, I was ashamed of myself for being such a dunce, but twitterpation tends to foster all sorts of stupidity.

So, knowing how easily the mind justifies the actions of an object of desire, and being a victim of such justification myself – how is it that I can be so annoyed at someone for doing the same thing? I’ve realized that I have a hopeless Dating Double Standard, and I feel terrible about it. If I were dating a guy that I liked, and he made a reference to possible dates in the future, I would be excited about it. If he told me that he was trying to show-off my online profile to someone else, I would be overwhelmed with joy. If he referred multiple times to his opinion that I’m attractive, I’d be floating on air. But when the above statements are made by someone that I’m just not into, I think, why can’t he see that I’m just not that into him?
It was toward the end of my date with Mr. Hawaii last night that I realized what I was doing. I was silently judging him for doing things that I would welcome from someone that I felt a romantic connection with. And I was mentally scolding him for not realizing how I felt. And then I realized that if I were to state all of these feelings on my blog, people would think that I’m a complete bitch. Then I felt really terrible.

It’s not Mr. H’s fault, but there’s just no romantic chemistry there for me. He is ridiculously sweet, and definitely smart, and I think I would have really enjoyed getting to know him had it been happening under different circumstances. But the fact that there was this cloud of romantic possibility looming over each meeting was a problem. And, in retrospect, I couldn’t have realistically expected him to pick up the signals that I was trying to send. I mean, has a man ever picked up on a signal sent by a woman? I think not. They need to be told of our thoughts or feelings or intentions, because nothing else is obvious enough to the male brain. And often times the reverse is true – men can seem just as mysterious to women, and we need to be told things outright as well.

Chalk one more up in the category of Guys that I Just Couldn’t Be Attracted To. But I feel like I’m learning a little something with each guy, with each date. And hopefully I’m slowly learning to handle situations better, to judge my own feelings better, to refine my requirements a little better. Maybe some day I’ll be able to avoid going on dates that I’m reluctant to go on entirely.

Maybe.

Lyrics of the Day

"And dream of a love that made you feel more alive, worth any compromise. A love that will always keep you surprised and prove to be worth a fight." Maria Taylor Hitched

Counting Chickens

As we've all seen in the past, I need to be more careful in general about getting excited over every single guy that shows a little promise. BUT...

I had given up on WY Guy, who had not emailed me back since I responded to his initial letter before I went to Montana. Internet dating is tough like that: you can email someone once or twice or three times and they can still just drop off the face of the earth like they never existed. You get used to it eventually, and try not to develop too many expectations before you actually meet someone in person. Point being, it had been more than 2 weeks, so I figured that he was a write-off. But lo and behold, there was an email in my inbox yesterday from WY Guy.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I am strongly attracted to people who come from backgrounds that are similar to my own, so Wyoming is definitely on the list. I've actually dated a Wyoming boy or two in my day - which isn't hard in a town as close to the Montana/Wyoming border as my hometown is. So, he has that going for him. Also, he's very articulate over email, which is a big thing to me. (This is the requirement that I think gets me into more trouble than most, because many people who are good writers are not so socially adept.) He's in the masters program for film at USC and is my age. Oh yeah, did I mention, he's pretty dang cute too? There is some questionable facial hair, but I won't try talking him into shaving it until we're at least out of the email phase.

Lyrics of the Day

"Yeah, I was drinking. Yeah, she was drinking too, and, yeah, we made a connection – we came from the same neighborhood." The Good Life Lovers Need Lawyers

Uneventful

Strangely, though I did plenty this weekend to keep busy and saw many of my friends; I don't really have anything exciting to report. The Sister was asking me yesterday how my friend's birthday party was on Saturday night, and I couldn't really think of anything to say except: it was fun. The same goes for my other friend's birthday party on Friday night. Aside from feeling very strange being surrounded by a sea of "Silverlake Hipsters" (think long, faux-messy hair, super-skinny jeans, pre-ripped t-shirts, $200 items of clothing made to look like they came from a yard sale) and hitting McD's at 4 am with the girls, there just wasn't anything about my weekend to warrant an actual story. *sigh*

I'm going on my third, and probably final, date with Mr. Hawaii tomorrow night. I'm going to make a valiant effort to break pattern, and tell him on the date that I'm no longer into it. Of course, I'll say it as nicely and tactfully as I can - because that's how I am. I think that I've sort of [un]intentionally been getting my lack-of-enthusiasm across to both Mr. H and AlienSpider with my reluctant communication. But that's really more a result of my post-Montana hermiting than anything else.

I'm still riding high on my realization that it's okay to be picky, so it's allowing me to feel just a little less guilt than usual over the fact that I just can't get excited about Mr. H or AS. Which is a welcome relief. Now, if I could just meet someone I'm actually interested in, I'd be getting somewhere.

Lyrics of the Day

"And all you see is where else you could be when you're at home. There on the street, are so many possibilities to not be alone." Death Cab For Cutie Your Heart is an Empty Room

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I have been meaning to post this video, because it's vaguely hilarious, and also because this is just the sort of thing that people do in a small town like the one that I'm from. This video isn't actually of my friends, but this is how we entertained ourselves one night...






Lyrics of the Day

"Tomorrow we can drive around this town and let the cops chase us around. The past is gone but something might be found to take its place." Gin Blossoms Hey Jealousy

Better Than Internet Dating...

Well, maybe not, but this is really funny. I think I may just have to fly my ass to NYC, buy some of these babies and blanket the bars in LA with them:

It's a cocktail napkin and a come-on, all in one!

Exciting New Feature!!

I saw this on another blog, and I thought it was such a cool idea that I had to poach it. It's a guestmap. What it is, is a little link that will take you Wonderful Readers to a map where you can place a little icon at your location with a message. I signed it myself, to get things started. And you can sign anonymously, if you'd like - I would just love the visual representation of where people are as they are reading. The link is located on the sidebar, between the link to my profile and my list of links to other blogs. Plus, you can choose from a bunch of cute little icons - look at mine: I'm an ALIEN. Woo Hoo!

Lost Cause

I have gone way over the edge with AlienSpider. I know that this is my own fault, and I have no one else to blame – but man did I really foul things up this time. I should have realized when I became annoyed with him during Date #2 that it was time to pull-out before I dug myself in any deeper. But nooooo, I can’t just let well-enough alone.

I knew that I shouldn’t have gone out with AS in the first place once I found out he was an actor. I know that I harp on this point a lot (my Celeb List and uncontrollable desire to sleep with George Clooney notwithstanding), but it’s actually a big issue for me. I find myself attracted to actor-types over and over again, and in the end they always disappoint or rip my still-beating heart right out of my chest. Somehow, I manage to maintain the unshakeable belief that there will be an exception to the Actor Rule. Well, I think I should go ahead and break it to myself right now:

THERE IS NO EXCEPTION TO THE ACTOR RULE.

It first started to bother me when he repeated the fact that he was in a movie about alien spiders during dinner on our second date. Obviously, I was quite aware of this fact: I named him based on that damn movie. He then acted like it was new information when I mentioned that I used to work at a talent agency (I worked in the entertainment industry for 4 years before I got into healthcare), even though we had had an entire discussion about my company and how it ranked among the other agencies on our first date. Then he couldn’t remember what state I’m from, even though we had lengthy email discourse about our mutual desires to return to our home states someday (his is Kentucky). It was like having the first date all over again. Now, I definitely don’t hold anyone to the standard of remembering every thing that comes out of my mouth – but remembering anything would be a big help. I have been dating multiple people, and corresponding with even more, and I still managed to remember key conversational topics. Is it too much to ask that he do the same?

This is something that’s symptomatic of his true status as an actor-type. The focus on self and the desire for constant attention tend to outweigh the ability to thoughtfully listen to someone else speak. And it’s only gotten worse with subsequent conversations. On the phone on Tuesday, he got very excited remembering something that I had told him. “Oh right! You used to…” But I didn’t. The only thing that he thought that he remembered I had told him turned out to be something that I had never told him at all.

But, true to form, I could not confront the issue in person. I know that it’s chicken of me, but I just prefer to break things off over the phone. I just have to console myself with the fact that many people never have the respect to break things off at all, and just pull the classic Fade-Away or Disappearing Act. But that was most definitely my last date with AlienSpider. Actually, I hope that it was my last date with an actor period.

Unless, that is, George Clooney comes a-callin’.

What's that you said George? Oh, you'd like me to come home with you. Well, gosh, I don't think that I have any other plans...

Lyrics of the Day

“Everybody is so make-believe, it’s true. I used to be sad, now I’m just bored with you.” Ryan Adams Burning Photographs

Social Therapy

Sometimes, there's nothing more therapeutic than having dinner with an old friend. I don't think that I've had the occasion to talk much about my friend Flip since I started this blog, as he was in Spain for the last few months shooting a movie. He's one in my core group of friends from Montana, and it was more than a delight when he finally relocated to Los Angeles for his career.

Last night we went out to dinner alone, because all of the time that we've spent together since he got back from Spain has been spent in the group situations and we hadn’t had the opportunity to catch up at all.

It’s hard to describe the elegant complexities of individual friendships. Each person that is close to me has his or her own amazing qualities that make me thankful for them every day. Flip and I have developed an incredible relationship over the years; we can talk about so many things and relate to each other on so many levels. I think that we both really got to mull some things over out-loud last night, and that we both really needed it.

You see, I had a bit of a break-through realization last week, and it seems even more valid and hopeful after talking to Flip about it. I’ve been beating myself up for rejecting all of these guys who are interested in me, and thinking that I’m only doing it because they’re not the unavailable types that I’m nearly always attracted to. But there’s something much larger at work here, that I wasn’t even aware of until last week.

It turns out that underneath my toughened exterior of cynicism and open-minded theories on the Modern Relationship – I’m really just a big, fat, Hopeless Romantic. I’ve realized that I’m not dating in the interest of finding someone to date. I can’t bring myself to start a relationship with someone just because I sorta like them and they are at the right place at the right time. Subconsciously all along, I’ve been looking for A One. (I don’t like the phrase “The One” because it implies that there’s only one person for me or for each of us, and I wholeheartedly disagree with that type of thinking.) I’m not willing to settle for less than the type of person that I could see myself ending up with. And if I were to jump into a relationship with any of the very nice (but not quite it) guys that I’ve dated, I would be settling. Apparently I just don’t have that ability programmed into my DNA.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is for me to figure this out. When a lot of time passes between relationships, I start assuming that I’m doing something wrong. We all have these little insecurities that hang around in the back of our minds, and mine like to speak up during a dry-spell. [Maybe if I were skinnier, or trendier, or prettier, or used fewer large words, someone would love me.] On top of that, it’s very difficult to be a single woman in your mid-twenties. People question it a lot, as in: “I wonder what’s wrong with her that she can’t get a boyfriend?” But now I realize that I’ve been choosing this all along, and that it’s okay that I’m being so insanely picky. When someone who is right for me comes along, I think I will be ready for him.

But will I meet him on the internet?

Lyrics of the Day

“The sounds of the city sifting through trees, settle like dust on the shoulders of the old friends. Can you imagine us years from today, sharing a park bench quietly?” Simon & Garfunkel Old Friends

Shopping at Wal-Mart

I know that I’ve been quiet about my internet dating for a little while, and I think I had better be honest with you: I’m losing enthusiasm. I met more guys that I was interested in, and saw more action, in the 10 days I was in Montana than I have in the four months of this little experiment. I’m not sure how much I’ve talked about this so far, but I’ve always felt that LA was the wrong place for me to find a guy. I like a man who is really a man: he can fix things, chop wood, finish any food that I leave on my plate, pick me up and throw me over his shoulder on a whim, spends less time in the bathroom than I do, goes to a barber instead of a stylist, and other such measures of masculinity. Sadly, many of the men in LA are lacking all of the above attributes. Let me put it this way – LB looking for a S.O. in Los Angeles is like trying to buy organic produce at Wal-Mart:

I’m just shopping in the wrong store.

The men in Los Angeles are, traditionally, just not what I’m looking for. This dating almost feels like an exercise in futility, like banging my head against a wall. I was thinking that in LA, maybe 1 of every 10 guys I meet has the requisite qualities for me to be interested in him. But if I lived somewhere that was more populated by the kind of men that I’m attracted to (Montana, Washington, Oregon, Colorado), then 8 or 9 out of 10 men that I met would be possibilities. Playing the laws of averages, I’m really screwing myself by staying in Southern California.

See! In Montana I could end up with that guy there, or that one over there, or there, or there…

This is not to say that I’ve given up entirely – I’m still following through on leads and have a couple more dates coming up. I’m going to go on Date #3 with AlienSpider tomorrow night – though I’ve lost a lot of interest in him for reasons that I never really discussed here. I’ll cover them when I report on that date. And sometime next week I’ll have that rescheduled date with Mr. Hawaii, who ended up not having to make that life-decision that cancelled the date last time. I’m ashamed to say that I was hoping he would have to make that decision and that the result would be his moving out of LA for a better opportunity. See, it would have served two purposes: he would have had a great new opportunity that could’ve meant great things for his career and I wouldn’t have had to make that To Date or Not To Date decision with him. But alas, I am forced by the Gods of Fate to man-up once again.

Lyrics of the Day

"I have run, I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls, [these city walls] only to be with you. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for." U2 I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

The Celeb List

Last night I was catching up on Entourage (having been at a barbecue on Sunday night, and thus unable to watch it during its original airing), and there was a story line involving the idea of having a list of celebrities that are, well, exempt from the rules of cheating on your significant other. In other words, you and your S.O. make lists (traditionally 5 celebs each) and if you ever had the opportunity to sleep with anyone on your list, you would be allowed to. Apparently, this idea insinuated itself into my subconscious, because this is who I spent my sleeping hours with last night:

This is one of the many Men of My Dreams - Jeremy Sisto.

Even if I were in a relationship, I think I would have a hard time turning that down. But this begs the question: how exactly does one go about formulating such a list? There's actually an entire Friends episode concerning this subject, and it illustrates my fears: what if you leave someone off the list, but you end up with the chance to sleep with them?

This may seem like a small problem to some but for me, this is a critical issue. Should the list contain the 5 celebrities with whom I am the most fixated? Or should they be the 5 people that seem to be the most realistic? Should age range and marital status play a factor? Because obviously, if we're talking realism, I can't really list Johnny Depp - although he did recently purchase a house near my home town, he doesn't seem like the type to cheat on his supermodel S.O. with a small-town Montana girl. What ever is a girl to do?

A lot of me leans toward creating a list of celebrities that could at least be remote possibilities. As much as I want to put George Clooney at the top of that list, I know that would be shooting far too high. So I'm going to go out on a limb here and create a sample list, just for the fun of it. But keep in mind that this list is not binding, and I am free to change my mind at any time.

1. Jeremy Sisto

2. Dash Mihok

3. Timothy Olyphant

4. Ryan Reynolds

5. Jason Behr

Okay, so maybe it's not 100% realistic (Tim Olyphant has been married forever and has 3 kids - but I've been lusting after him for so long, I couldn't leave him off the list), and it's creepy that Alanis Morissette has dated two of the people on the list, but it's fairly representative of the types of celebs that I develop ridiculous grade-school crushes on. So if I am, in fact, going to cheat on you Dear Readers - it will be with one of the above, devastatingly attractive, men.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well, I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem. Aw, but I'd sure like to find out, so why don't you climb down off that movie screen?" Counting Crows Mrs. Potter's Lullaby

Take These Broken Wings

I was at a going-away party on Saturday night with SJP, for the fiancee of a friend of hers. It was at this amazing house in a very unlikely area of LA; I was going mostly just to hang with SJP, who is leaving me for higher education and boys with cute Boston accents at Harvard at the end of the month. We hadn't been out since the Colin Farrell night, so we had some catching up to do. On the phone, when giving me the instructions for getting directions to the party, she had said that she invited me because I had hung out with her friend and the fiancee before, and that I might meet some "nice people" there. I figured that this meant I was in for another* set-up.

Sadly, it was not meant to be. Upon my arrival, SJP informed me that the prospect (the cute roommate of the fiancee) not only has a girlfriend (drat!), but is also moving to San Francisco with the fiancee. ::sigh:: It was worth a try though, and actually good to know that she has a decent idea of the kind of guy that I should be set up with. So I'm going to entrust her with Boston Boy Scouting responsibilities, so that I can maximize the cute-talking man-buffet when I go visit her sometime in the next year.

(*For some reason, people have been feeling me out for set-up willingness recently. Even one of my bosses - which I thought was really odd. But hey, I'll take it where I can get it - I'm not one to turn down a blind date. Unless of course, it's arranged by The Mother, and then it's an automatic no-go. This is based on an emotionally catastrophic bad date that was set up by said Mother in the summer of 2000. )

The point to this post is that SJP reminded me that I feel the way that I've been feeling every time I get back from Montana. She's known me for a good few years now, and seen me come and go more than a few times. And she's right. I do always do this, and feel this way when I come back from MT. I get a little blue, I hole up in my house for a week or more, I fantasize about getting the heck out and seeing the world. But then something always happens: I get thrown into work, I have a few good nights out, a minute shift shakes up my 5-year plan. Whatever the cause, the result has always been that I remain in LA just a little bit longer.

But this time, I think that I mean it. This time, I think that I have realistic reasons for leaving and ideas of where to go and what to do. I'm not feeling bitter or hateful toward LA, it's just that I don't want to spend the rest of the few Single and Flexible years of my life sitting in one spot - just because I'm fairly comfortable here. You know what they say, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." And damn it, it's about time to venture out...

Lyrics of the Day

"We've got airplane rides, we got California drowning out the window side. We've got big black cars and we've got stories how we slept with all the movie stars. I may take a holiday in Spain, leave my wings behind me. Drink my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new." Counting Crows Holiday in Spain

(P.S. I totally meant to herald this post as some sort of event - before I completely forgot to pay attention to it and instead wrote a self-indulgent musing on whether or not to continue living in Los Angeles. Point being - this is my 100TH POST! Cue the trumpets and streamers and confetti and someone alert the marching band that it is time for their entrance. Okay, I guess it's not that big a deal, but I am rather proud of myself for keeping something going regularly for this long, and for making it to this auspicious number of posts. Here's hoping that I have at least a few more in me, and that somewhere along the way I go on a date with someone that I actually like. Cheers.)

Don't Know Why I Left

Main Street in my hometown, bustling with people for the Bite of Bozeman

Those inner-tubes just can't wait to jump into the river with a beer and get a-floatin'.

I was in MT for the Sweet Pea Festival. For those who don't know - these are sweet peas.

Concert in the park at the Festival.

(Check out that sky!)

Me, at my cabin, shooting a gun! I know what you're going to say, but I swear, those bastard little plastic cups totally had it coming.

If you turn your head a little, and squint in just the right way, and maybe hold your breath for a second - you might be able to see that little spot where I left my heart.

Lyrics of the Day

"I might just jump back on and ride, like a cowboy into the dawn, to Montana. Movin' to Montana soon." Frank Zappa Montana

My Big Mistake

There is something dangerous about hooking-up on vacation. It's not that you're a stranger in a strange land, or that you could get roofie'd when your back is turned, or that you could end up in a bathtub full of ice with a strange abdominal incision. It's that you could make a major, catastrophic mistake:

You could hook up with someone you actually like.

At that point, you're just doomed. Because obviously you're never going to see him again. Most likely he's forgotten about you by the time he recovers from his hangover the next morning. Probably he couldn't even remember your name by the time you said goodnight. So what do you do?

First, you look him up in your high school yearbook. You look at his junior picture and his senior picture, taking a little bit of pride in the fact that he was both older than you and cooler than you in high school. You reminisce about how he looks now, and how he looked just before he kissed you in the middle of the crowded bar. Then you hop online, surfing to the "search" page on MySpace, even though you know you shouldn't. You type in his name and hold your breath. Nothing. You realize that you managed to hook up with the only 20-something guy on the planet who is not on MySpace. You briefly consider checking Friendster and Classmates.com too, but you know you've already crossed the Creepy Stalking Line enough for one night.

It is then that you realize it. You've gone and done the dumbest thing you could do to yourself. You've turned a fun night of casual making-out in public into an imaginary idea of a possible relationship. You know it's wrong, you know it's impossible, you know he's moving to London to get a master's in International Relations. But you think about it anyway. You realize that he fulfills your Unavailable Man pattern perfectly, but that won't stop you from obsessing over him.

On the bright side, your Big Mistake has reminded you of two very important things: there are guys out there that you can find both interesting and attractive and that you can be attractive to them as well. So it's not a total loss.

Plus, I've never been one to turn down a good make-out session.

Lyrics of the Day

"And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss. So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it. But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split. The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won't exist." Bright Eyes Lua

Story Time

I'm nearly readjusted to being back in real life, though I'm still not happy about it. Why didn't I listen to my father and marry a rich guy? Then I could be living a life of leisure; eating bon-bons and doing charity work all day. *sigh* If only I had given up my feminine empowerment at a younger age...

It doesn't really get much better than my trip to Montana. When it was over, it felt like it had just flown by, but in retrospect there was so much that I did and saw. I arrived on Saturday and drove straight up into the mountains to see my fabulous friend The Singer play at a small music festival. Sunday I went to the beach (Well, the Bozeman Beach, which is basically a hole filled with water where a landfill used to be. But it's what we have there and we use it.) with my parents and that night we all went to The Singer's house to watch him perform some more in his back yard. He's amazingly talented, and I'm so proud of him for all of the work he's been doing on his music and all of the progress that he's made both professionally and in his performances. If you heard that boy sing a Billy Joel song, you'd melt right out of your clothing, I swear.

That was one of the very special things about this trip - of my core group of really close guy friends from Montana, all but one happened to be in town that weekend. It was a reunion of the type that we usually only get at Christmas and it was so good to see everyone and spend time with them. I'm really blessed with some of the most amazing and talented friends possible, and I'm thankful for them all the time. If only life was like the TV show Friends, and we could all live together in impossibly large apartments in the same town.

Tuesday night the gang and I all met up in a local park after a quaint small-town band performance. We met up at a local bar/poolhall (one of the classier places in town, and non-smoking) for pool and drinks and general revelry. You know you're in a small town when an old friend (who I used to have a crush on, about 7 or 8 years ago) shows up because someone he knew saw the group at the bar and called him. Old Crush has been a friend on the periphery of the group for a long time, but doesn't stay in touch as much as the rest of us do. By the end of the night, I realize that Old Crush thinks I'm hot. And not in a, "gee we're old friends and you look really great" sorta way. In a, "you're a hot chick and I'm going to try to get into your pants" kinda way. He ended up booty-calling me at about 3 AM, after I was already home in bed. I think I was too intoxicated to be as amused at the time as I should have been, but I woke up shaking my head at the hilarity of the situation. When I liked Old Crush back in the day, he messed with my head a little, but had no interest in me whatsoever. It was sorta fun to have the last laugh. Revenge is always the best when all you have to do is look good.

Lyrics of the Day

"Here's a song to all my friends, I know they'd like. I remember every drunken night at the old dive. Driving the ol' wreck, trying to make it home somehow, one more pit stop at our favorite watering hole." Lagwagon To All My Friends

P.S. Coming tomorrow, or this weekend at the latest, photos from my trip and stories regarding boys I went to high school with!

My Home’s in Montana

Before I reached the (pathetically late) nest-leaving age of 21, I found it nigh-impossible to move from my hometown of Bozeman, MT. My family moved to Maryland briefly when I was 8, but ended right back in Bozeman less than a year later; back into the same house, no less. At 18, I applied to and was accepted by a university in a town 3.5 hours away. I went. I came back every weekend. I came down with Mononucleosis and was back in my hometown two months after leaving.

I got onto the airplane to come back to Los Angeles at 7:00pm on Monday night. I settled into my window seat (a must for me, as I am obsessed with watching the world go miniature as the plane ascends) and nearly pressed my nose against the glass (or whatever it actually is). As we took off and rose above the valley of my birth I saw, really for the first time, my little town from the air. I stared, wondering just how it could look so small. How this little town could look like so little, like it could mean nothing, when so much of my heart lives there. And it does. This is not to say that I’m going back. I may never go back. But that’s where my heart is. It’s where I suddenly feel at peace with myself and the world and my surroundings and my struggles. It’s where the truest parts of me wake up and look around and wonder where the hell they’ve been hiding for so long.

I'm Baaaaaack

To be honest, I'm not quite ready to be back in Los Angeles, and definitely not yet ready to jump fully back into the blogging. I'm just now back at work (Blech. Being unemployed, however temporarily, was much more fun!), and trying to get back into the swing of things. I did have an amazing trip, and as hoped I have many stories to share. I may even disclose a little bit on that horrible drunk post from last week. But please have a little patience with me My Dears, as the MT to LA adjustment always takes a bit of time.

Lyrics of the Day

"How the hell can a person go to work in the morning, come home in the evening and have nothing to say?" John Prine Angel From Montgomery