Disappearing Act

I'm afraid that I may disappear again for a short while, but I'm hoping to gain brownie points for my effort in warning you.

There's a lot going on in my private life right now, and I'm going to be dealing with family issues for the next couple of weeks. As wrong as it may be, my relationship and it's minor dramas are not at the top of my list of things to focus on right now.

I will probably be more forthcoming when I reappear, but right now the nerves are too raw. We're all lucky that teardrops don't smear typed words.

Lyrics of the Day

"Regretfully, I guess I've got three simple things to say: why me? Why this now? Why this way?" Ani DiFranco Grey

It Figures

So I think that I've figured something out. It's not much, but it explains a little bit. This job that I have, here in Columbus, it's unlike the jobs that I usually have. It's a start-up. It's rough and not well organized. The boundaries are ill-defined and I'm the only person that really knows everything that it entails. So at the end of every week, I sort of feel like I want to die. I'm so exhausted and worn out from fighting the adversity and the system that I come home and am barely able to pull myself off of the couch to climb into bed. And every Friday night I seem to find myself in a new pit of despair for some reason or another. Maybe it's the job as much as it's the Relationship.

Can I really do this for 13 more weeks?

Lyrics of the Day

"Dorothy wake up. Dorothy wake up. Dorothy wake up, it's time for work." Cursive Dorothy at Forty

On the Edge

So, I let things go. I let them simmer. It was a mistake, but a mistake that I didn't really know that I was making. I thought that things were getting better for a little while. And then I started noticing.

Noticing that (although I don't really like my job here) I could be in a perfectly mild mood when leaving work and as soon as I got into the car with PC (the car that we share, since we came here together and it's more cost-effective - please infuse the previous statement with a bit of bitterness since it's just one more way in which I have felt that I have nothing of my own anymore), I'm immediately on edge. I started noticing that I didn't really want to be physically affectionate with PC and that I would sometimes cringe or shiver inwardly when he would touch and hug and kiss me. I found myself becoming ever more short-tempered with small, stupid things. The fact that PC has turned the cup-holders in my car into his personal garbage/pen/change depository, making it nearly impossible for me to put cups into them. The fact that when he cleans he will pick up almost everything in the house, but he won't touch the dishes. In my (admittedly slovenly) world, the dishes are the really important thing - since you know, they rot. I know that these things are nit-picky and they are really just the tip of the iceberg with me - but it's what's behind my short-temper that triggered all of this. It started adding up. And then, The Dream.

Then, The Sister calls and she's seeing a new guy who is "perfect" and "amazing" and she's head-over-heels. And I'm happy for her, but more than that, I'm envious. I start thinking that I could meet someone who would be better for me. I could meet someone that wasn't so much work.

Hate me please, for what I'm saying. I hate myself.

I still don't realize, at that point, how much it's all bothering me. I think it's just a low mood point, because those aren't abnormal for me. And then I talk to SJP the other night. And she asks me when the hell I'm coming to LA to visit. And I realize that that is the only thing in the entire world that I truly want right now. To go to LA. To see my people. And I start looking at flights for Memorial Day weekend and I find one and I realize: I don't want PC to go with me. And it's not just because I don't have the funds to pay for his plane ticket too - it's because I want some time to myself, some time with my friends and The Sister and I want that time without PC.

After this realization, it's all a snowball. I talk to Red about how things are and she says to me, "You haven't been happy for a while now" and I know that she's right. I think very hard about calling my best friend from high school, because she was in a long-term, marriage-destined relationship with a really great guy and she just couldn't go through with it and I start wanting to pick her brain about how she dealt with leaving him. I start thinking about how much easier it would be if I was here alone. Or if I were to be alone on my next job. I start thinking about how all I've ever wanted in my whole life is to have a house and how I'm paying off almost half of a down payment in credit card debt because I've been supporting us both in one way or another for almost a year now.

And through all of this, I know how awful I am. I know that PC deserves so much more, and I've told him this before. I've said it over and over in fights and I said it again when I broke down on Friday and told him how I've been feeling. Red told me, quite correctly, that it wasn't fair to hold it in to the breaking point without letting PC know what was going on in my head. Even if it was risking causing him more heartache than I already have (which is saying something). Sometimes I really, truly believe that he deserves better and more. Sometimes I am convinced that there is someone out there that would really appreciate the emotional side of him that makes my skin crawl when I'm on edge. Sometimes I really think that we would both be happier if we were apart.

But he assures me differently. PC swears that he just hasn't "been being himself" and that he's not this needy, over-bearing person and that he doesn't want to continue that way. He swears that if I give him just a little longer, we will be happy again. And he may be right. And as Anonymous commented on my last post, I do owe it to him to give him that time and that chance.

I have 14 weeks left now on my renewed contract in Columbus. So that's what we have. 14 weeks to assess and adjust and see if it will all work out.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm sorry if I made you want to cry. You should know, I never meant to hide, I just hate bringing you down." Joe Purdy Can't Get It Right Today

"I know, it seems like I should say oh, oh well, as long as this is love. It's not all that easy." Counting Crows Anna Begins [Live]

The Castle Crumbles

I think that I've been doing the same thing to you guys that I've been doing to myself and worse, to PC. I've been pretending. I've been coasting. I've been complacent about my own feelings.

I'm beginning to feel that my personality is diametrically opposed to PC's. I got so caught up in all of this - in the thought of having found someone to be with - that I forgot what I wanted and who I was and I allowed so much to happen that I never intended. I, of course, allowed the money thing (which is so insanely out of character). But there's more. I became one of Those People. Maybe not the worst case That Person. I didn't abandon my life and my friends entirely, but I did become a type of That Person. It has been more than 6 months since I have spent any quality time with anyone in my life alone - without PC. It's a way of living and acting that I have never ever wanted and yet, it's something that I've done repeatedly. I let myself get drawn into a completely emotionally co-dependent relationship. Even after talks and appeals and pleas for PC to talk more to his friends and family (even at the risk of having him talk negatively about me), he still almost always bottles anything up that he's not talking to me about.

I'm just not sure, in all of this writing (though I do know that it's been much more abbreviated since I met PC), that I've ever tried to describe how PC is, or how the relationship has been. I could spend an hour reading back over my own self-indulgent rambling right now, but I'm in no mood to deal with myself.

PC is the most giving person that I have ever met. He's genuinely uncomfortable with receiving and is quite happy to cook all the meals, give all the massages and conform to all my quirks. But it's to a degree that has long-since ceased to be endearing. I'm an independent (you can translate to "cold" or "unavailable" at times if you would like) person and I can't actually stand to have someone running behind me making sure that I'm happy and comfortable and relaxed at all times. Sometimes I want to eat potato chips for dinner. Sometimes I want to lay on the couch and let the house be a mess and watch crappy television and not have to think about what might make me happier at any given moment. If this sounds terribly ungrateful, then I'm probably describing it correctly. For every thing that drives me more and more crazy about this relationship, I blame it on myself as much as I want to blame it on PC.

PC has a theory that he is incredibly good at reading people and making them comfortable. And to a degree, he's right. He is very good with people and can generally have a conversation with just about anyone. But the thing is, he gets too familiar too quickly. It's so hard to explain, and it's harder to explain why it makes me so horrifyingly uncomfortable. But he takes liberties. He touches people without invitation. He gives people nicknames (like calling a "Jim" "Jimbo" or calling a "Patrick" "P-Dog") without invitation or permission or even getting to know them first. And I'm not saying that I handle things any better, it's just that I'm generally an over-cautious and overly considerate person and it freaks me out. I do appreciate that he can get along with people and it's a lot of what makes him so good at being in the service industry, but he just goes too far too fast a lot of the time.

The thing that is the hardest, the thing that has brought me to where I am now, which is at a place where I would break up with PC if I hadn't brought him to Ohio and if I didn't feel like I probably owe him a bit more time, is that he is just so needy. I thought that it would end once we moved in together. In San Francisco, he would leave my house on a Monday morning, call me 3 times on his way home, talk to me at my lunchtime, talk to me when I got off of work and then call me 2 or 3 or 4 more times from work in the evening. It got to the point where I was snapping and becoming upset because I just needed a little down-time after a long day at work and a long weekend of togetherness. And he would back off. A little. For a little while. But I really thought that it would change.

But it didn't.

He's been slowly smothering me. Constantly touching and calling and texting me. Always asking me if I'm fine or what's new, like there was anything in the entire universe that he didn't know already. And I know exactly how I sound right now. I sound awful. There are probably a million women that would give anything for a sensitive, communicative, giving man. The problem is that I'm not one of them. I would give anything for someone who would occasionally share his feelings or thoughts; would walk away when I'm angry and let me regroup, instead of insisting on talking and talking until nothing being said makes any sense anymore. I'm exhausted by this relationship.

About a month ago, about the time that I starting writing here again in earnest (just like that friend that disappears in a relationship but comes crawling back when it ends or isn't going well), PC and I had a blow-up. As I said then, it seemed to be mostly about the money. Maybe. Or maybe it was just the simplest thing to focus my frustration on at that moment. And when he promised that things would improve and I lost the initial feelings of utter desperation, I just sort of let things start to slide. I just fell into the routine of life and ignored what was going on inside of me.

Last week, I had a dream. In this dream, The Ex suddenly appeared in a helicopter (having obtained his pilot's license - not altogether insane since he was an Air Force Reservist and last I truly heard of him he was being deployed to the Middle East) and he came for me and told me that he had made a terrible mistake in leaving me and that he would do anything that he could to win me back. In my dream, I actually thought out the process of breaking this to PC and I went with The Ex. I was ecstatically happy.

I woke up and I nearly sobbed.

Lyrics of the Day

"Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed. I ain't ready for the alter, but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine." America Sister Golden Hair

"I think I'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street. You say I choose sadness that it never once has chosen me... maybe you're right." Rilo Kiley That Good That Won't Come Out

More Internet Dating?

I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. Really. I was watching TV tonight and I saw a commercial for this dating website:

Farmers Only

I am seriously considering leaving Prince Charming just to try my luck with some good ol' country boys. Really, because I'm from Montana. And I know:

City folks just don't get it!




P.S. Now we (and I mean myself, Prince Charming and all of you[!!]) get 10 More Weeks!! in Ohio. My employer thankfully (or regretfully, depending on your perspective - or which minute of the day you ask me) agreed to extend my contract for the extra 10 weeks that I was hoping for. That keeps PC and me in Columbus until July 25, allowing us continuity of work to hopefully (finally) catch up on the finances.

And allowing me more time to meet some nice country folks.

Lyrics of the Day

"The mid-west farmers daughters really make you feel alright. And the northern girls with the way they kiss, they keep their boyfriends warm at night." The Beach Boys California Girls

One Year Later

One year ago, yesterday, Prince Charming and I decided (based on 3 insane days of spending any waking moment together) to begin a relationship. It was at about 5am, in the car from his apartment on the way to meet The Mother so that I could drive to Montana, and I remember being so nervous that I was nearly stuttering. I knew that I wanted to bring up something, that I couldn't just let those last 3 days be the beginning and the end of our interaction, but I had no idea what I was getting into. I had no idea that I would be losing my Single Status, gaining a Boyfriend and changing the direction of my life forever. Also, the direction of this blog...

So here we are, a year later. I'm not sure that the enormity of that length of time really makes sense in my brain. I don't really know where it's going to go from here either. Things have been better, though there have been set-backs and it seems impossible to avoid the occasional squabble. I've been caught between a rock and a hard place here in Ohio: my schedule is such that the best thing would be for us to stay here until the end of July, but I'm not sure that my current employer wants to spend the funds to keep me here (paying for a traveling employee is much more expensive than paying for a permanent one), and in reality, Ohio just really isn't my place. But it seems more likely today, after getting a very kind review from a higher-up, that we will be staying here in Columbus for the summer. So although the finances are still struggling to catch up and things are moving very slowly, it will help both PC and I to stay here and have continuity of jobs and paychecks. He's trying, he really is, it's just hard to predict your income as a server/bartender (which is what he is, if I've never mentioned that before).

So last night we went out for an anniversary dinner and had a nice time. We'll probably do a little more celebrating this weekend, when it's not a school night. Oh yeah, and I'm also for some reason determined that we're going to run a half-marathon (AGAIN) on Saturday. Mostly because it's here, so I feel like I should run it. Does that make sense? Nope. But I'm low on making sense a lot of the time these days.

Lyrics of the Day

"Why, why some people break up then turn around and make up, I just can't see. You'd never do that to me, would you, baby?" Al Green Let's Stay Together

Cutting Slack

Things are still on the better side of where they were, though the financial stress just isn't abating quickly enough for my obsessive brain. But finally opening up and talking to people about it has really made a world of difference. In all of my panic, I did manage to lose sight of a few things: PC really did intend to eventually become a contributing financial member of the relationship, paying off my bills would be a bit easier now that PC and I are living together because there isn't the expense of commuting for the relationship, and much of what got us into the financial situation that we are in came from Prince Charming prioritizing the relationship over making more money. SJP pointed this out to me in a long-overdue phone conversation last week. She said that she didn't think he ever intended to live off of me (and certainly not for so long) but that he had decided that love was more important than anything else; he was taking that leap of spending time with me instead of working and moving away with me to start over rather than building up savings, making enough money to pay all of his bills, etc. Non-romantic loser that I am, I would never have made that same decision, but I should have cut him more slack for doing so.

So that's where we are. I still have doubts. But to be honest, there wasn't much of a time when I didn't. There was a lot of time when I pretended (even to myself) that I didn't because I wanted so badly to match Prince Charming's enthusiasm and certainty, but I realize now that that is an unrealistic expectation of myself. I need to feel certain (or not to) in my own time. So I'm being patient, which is something very hard for me. But I was tired of fighting and tired of making myself miserable. It's just not worth it. But as I said a bit ago, I also feel like I finally made all of the points that I needed to make so I don't need to be constantly harping on the things that I'm still stressed about.

Lyrics of the Day

"Things are good we should take a Polaroid, a memento, before the moment's destroyed." The Good Life On the Picket Fence

Middle America

By the way, I'm in Ohio now. And really, I mean no offense if anyone out there who has an undying love of Ohio, but I won't be sad when I leave here. I guess I just had no idea what the mid-west was really like, and how different it is than the coasts.

When it snows more than 2 inches or so here, they close all of the schools. I've been in Columbus for 5 weeks now and I think there have been almost two weeks worth of snow days. If it's foggy, they delay school. If it's rainy, they let school out early. Why aren't I a teacher?? In Montana, it can be 40 degrees below zero and blizzarding and you dang-well better get yourself to school. The difference is that you don't have to stay on the playground until class starts, you can go inside.

I work with a young man who seems very cool and modern and "normal" by the standards of a girl who spent the most significant part of her adult life in LA. Last Monday he came into work and told a story about his weekend that involved taking apart a tractor and putting it back together. Cuz, you know, they just do that in Ohio.

They are so crazy about college football here, I've heard that every Saturday during football season, the town basically shuts down to watch the game. Even now, in the off-season (it is basketball season, but OSU did not make it into the NCAA tournament), you can't walk out your door without seeing whole families dressed in Ohio State shirts, jackets, pants, hats. It's like its own religion.

But here's the biggest travesty about Ohio: Two-Buck Chuck costs more than $3 a bottle.

Lyrics of the Day

"Somewhere in the middle of America, get right to the heart of matters, it's the heart that matters more. I think you'd better turn your ticket in, get your money back at the door." Omaha Counting Crows

Progress

Today I am feeling slightly less pessimistic and vindictive than I have been recently. I think that I have been typing a lot more with my emotions here lately than with any kind of objective eye. Not to say that it isn't within my right to do that (it's my damn blog after all!), but I think it has definitely made me more on the vague side when it comes to describing the actual events. This is one of the many reasons that I resisted writing for so long - I wasn't sure I should air my dirty laundry and if I did I wasn't sure I would do it in any satisfying way. But I think it is helping to share and it is helping to gain a little perspective, because obviously this is not the end of the world.

Yes, Prince Charming does now have a job. He actually has two, and between the two he is working somewhere in the neighborhood of full-time. Even though I doubted it in many of the darkest times, PC did not intend to live off of me forever. But he did take advantage to a certain point and he did handle the situation very poorly in Montana. I struggle so much with the debate of whether to try to prove myself rational by vilifying PC or whether to just drop it because at this point, things do seem like they have started to change (albeit, slowly) and they are on the way to a place where I can judge the situation from a more objective standpoint.

The bottom line is this: I'm still not happy, but I'm no longer catastrophically upset every other day. I think that things may continue to improve, but I'm still having a hard time feeling normal and feeling the same affection and desire for him that I did before. There were enough white lies told while he was upset and apathetic in Montana that I still have a hard time trusting everything that he says. And I know that is a red flag and I've told him this. I've told him everything so many times. Part of my frustration that I didn't feel like I was being heard, but after another terrible fight last weekend, I think I may finally feel that. So it's been helping...

I want to thank everyone for reading and offering such compassion. Whether things work out or not, and whether you think I'm nuts or not, it's nice to have an ear or two.

Lyrics of the Day

"We trade tit for tat, yeah that for this, and I don't think that there was an insult that was missed. I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry." Little Motel Modest Mouse

Resentment

So maybe now I am asking for advice. Maybe I do need some help, if I am to truly make a decision that is more than reactionary.

Can resentment be overcome?

Having been shouldering the financial burden of the relationship for so long (and anyone who knows me knows that I am more than slightly uptight when it comes to money), I can hardly feel anything besides resentment when I look at PC now. I just see how hard things are for me (however selfish that viewpoint is), and how long it's going to be before I can dig myself out and all of the other places that I had intended for all this money to go. Paying off student loans. Paying off my car. Saving for a house. Now I'm just paying off credit card debt.

It's partially my fault that it came to this. I allowed it to happen. It started small, but it grew and gained momentum until it was no longer under my control. But he allowed it to happen too. And he has delayed and made promises and never followed through.

I don't know where to blame him and where to blame myself anymore. But here's the really difficult truth: I do not like who I am with him. I have become someone that I barely recognize, and I'm that person far too often now.

Lyrics of the Day

"Still to come, the worst part and you know it. There is a numbness in your heart and it's growing." The Shins A Comet Appears

Owning Up

I have never been very good at expressing my feelings. I have always jokingly referred to myself as a man or a guy, because there are ways in which I am not the typical girl. But I didn't realize how much that would affect a relationship, or what it would do to the dynamics of a relationship that I would choose.

I may not be the most traditional of girls, but I never meant to find myself completely out of my traditional gender role. I hoped for a relationship on equal footing - for shared feelings and chores and responsibilities. But somehow, I have found myself in a relationship in which I have come to feel like I shoulder all of it.

Somewhere along the way, things that I thought to be temporary snowballed out of control and became a weight that I can no longer lift. I became responsible for being responsible in every situation that PC and I have been in and are in and I wasn't built to live like this.

PC and I got stuck in Montana, where we went for the supposed few weeks that I was taking off from work. A job that I thought was secured fell through and we ended up unemployed and trapped in my parents' basement for nearly two full months. During that time, we had only my savings to live on - the savings that I had accrued with the assumption that I would be unemployed for no longer than 4 weeks. Things devolved. I got depressed (I'm not one to have much self-worth when I'm not being useful) and PC got frustrated and rebellious and apathetic. We fought so much - I'm almost embarrassed to look my parents in the eye again. Night after night, the day's pretenses would fail and everything would break down.

Now, after securing a job (actually, the same job that I was supposed to have taken the first time, but that's a long story and not an important one), I thought that things would have gotten better. We have been in Columbus, Ohio for nearly 4 weeks now. And things only seem to be getting worse for me.

PC has apologized for actions of his that were hurtful and immature. (To assuage any fears: he did not hit me and he did not cheat on me. Both are deal-breakers of the permanent variety.) He has sworn up and down that things are different and that there's nowhere to go but up. But somehow, my mood goes nowhere but down. I can't look at him the same way anymore. Instead of seeing him as this attractive man with whom I have a definite future, I see him as a constant source of stress and uncertainty and I can't see past tomorrow, much less predict if we can make it work in the long run.

It's killing me. I don't think that there is any advice to be given, any words of wisdom that could possibly help. He has asked for two months to try to dig out of the financial mess that I have ended up in and to see what things could be like without my supporting him or the accrued debt hanging between us. I can't really see myself shutting the door completely at this point, so it seems that a little waiting-it-out is really my only option. But many days (like today) things seem worse for me than better, and his constant attempts at optimism just make me want to slam the bathroom door in his face, lock it and never come out.

Lyrics of the Day

"There's no talk of future plans, there's no romance, there's no good reason we should be in love - so I've been making shit up." The Good Life Playing Dumb

Venting?

I've never really done this before.

My only "true" previous relationship (with the Speed Freak) was filled with strife and pain and was bad and tumultuous a much greater percent of the time than it was good or even tolerable. So even though I ended up enduring about a year of that personally-created-hell, it wasn't actually a year-long relationship.

I've been with Prince Charming for 11 months now. It was 11 months on Saturday, actually. And I'm realizing more and more that most of the last 6 months or so have been far from perfect. My quandary is whether the good is worth all of the bad. Whether much of the bad has been situational (I dare anyone to have a perfect long-distance relationship), or whether there truly are ways in which PC and I are not ideally suited for each other.

I'm afraid to fully delve into it. I haven't been honest with the people closest to me in my life, and I'm not sure I can be honest here. It's not horrifying. There's no abuse and there's no cheating. It's not what many people I've met would consider a Bad Relationship. I'm sure that millions of women have lived through and with so much more, that sometimes I feel self-indulgent for being upset by things that have happened. And yet, at the same time, I'm ashamed of the things that I've allowed to happen and things that I've done. And all of this builds into a wall that I hide behind.

I know that I'm being vague. I know that I'm speaking in metaphors and hyperbole and that it must be more than frustrating to read. But today is an okay day. It's not the complete break-down kind of day that I had on Friday night after a conversation with The Mother and it's not the forget-about-the-complications-and-watch-South-Park kind of day that I had with PC yesterday. It's a middle-of-the-road day. But the turmoil in my brain refuses to quiet itself and I wanted to vent here. Unfortunately, my venting is half-assed.

I'll try to work on that.

Lyrics of the Day

"It’s been hard, we’ve both got our histories that haunt these homes - but I ain’t bathing in our misery. So pour me a drink and don’t pour it too weak and grab it from the top shelf. I ain’t asking for redemption and this ain’t no cry for help." The Good Life On the Picket Fence

Out of the Darkness

My life (love-related and otherwise) hit some pretty significant bumps in the road over the holiday season... hence the lack of communication in this-here forum. I never seemed to have trouble airing my dirty laundry when I was single; now that I'm not, well, it just seems a hundred times harder to talk about. I've been in pretty dark places for the last few months (just ask any of my friends who thought I was dead when I refused to communicate during the months of January and February) and I'm just now starting to find my way out.

What does this mean for me and Prince Charming?

Well, it depends on when you ask me. If you had asked me on Friday night, or any time at all on Saturday, I would have predicted catastrophe and heartache.

You ask me today: eh... not so much.

I've been contemplating writing for weeks now with no idea how to do it. I'm still not sure, but I thought I'd at least open up the door to my brain and see what would come crawling onto the screen if I allowed it. And I'm not surprised to find that all that comes out is the same vague uncertainty that I've felt living in there for what seems like so long now.

Lyrics of the Day

"Your head will collapse if there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself: Where is my mind?" The Pixies Where is My Mind?

13.1

In recent years, The Mother has become more and more of a Runner. Not someone that jogs occasionally for cardiovascular exercise, but the type that will run miles and miles (sometimes over mountains or in the snow or with torn muscles and stress fractures) for the challenge and the rush of it. And this running bug is catching. I've been intermittently impersonating a runner myself for the last 2 years, though I have no insane aspirations of completing something as mind-numbingly long as a marathon (which is 26.2 miles and The Mother has already done TWO of them). I did, however, allow myself and Prince Charming to be talked into running a half-marathon, 13.1 miles, that took place on the Las Vegas strip this past weekend.

Ouch.

The intention The Mother had, when proposing this insane trip to us, was that a December race would keep us training in the typically off winter season. But due to the rigors of my job in San Francisco, the painfully hilly landscape and my lack of a gym membership - I sort of let that whole training idea slide for the last three months. When I left Bozeman in August I was probably in the best shape I've ever been in, but the last three months of a mostly sedentary lifestyle and way too many nights of Chinese delivery have put me quite far out of shape. But did I throw caution to the wind and finish that godawful half-marathon anyway?

Yes, yes I did.

The first 8 miles weren't so bad. Miles 9 and 10 started to hurt and I positively hit a wall at mile 11. But I finished the run, hand in hand with Prince Charming (who could have left me in the dust at any time with his damn natural athleticism). And I guess, in retrospect, it was actually fun. Yesterday, when I felt like an arthritic 95 year old was not so much fun, but I think if I were to actually train for the next half-marathon that I could survive it and maybe even enjoy running across that finish line. I think.

Lyrics of the Day

"We're running just as fast as we can, holding onto one another's hands." Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now

Something Old, Something New

I promised myself (and you, dear readers) that I would get back up on the horse and post more often - and well, we can all see how that worked out. I was derailed in my efforts at renewed consistency by a job that went from darn-near-relaxing to holy-crap-I-can't-believe-they-expect-me-to-do-this-all-in-one-day-busy almost overnight. But as my last weeks here in San Francisco are beginning to tick down, I have been thinking more and more about all of the writing that I wish I was doing here. So here I am, trying to make good on my previous promises.

This past weekend I flew to Los Angeles to visit Prince Charming and all of my wonderful Angeleno friends. The Sister, who spent her summer in South America is back in LA and so I was there to spend time with a slew of people. When I first got to San Francisco, I had planned and spending more than just one weekend a month in LA, but it turned out to be easier and more relaxing for Prince Charming and I to spend most of our weekends in SF and that' what we've been doing. Anyway, this was my last trip to LA before the end of this California job, so I was trying to pack in as much as humanly possible.

On Sunday, Prince Charming, The Sister and I met My Married Boyfriend at my old favorite football haunt Barney's to watch the Redskins almost not lose to the hated Cowboys. We ended up having a fantastic time hanging out and yelling at oversized tv screens and by the end I was mildly intoxicated and beginning to realize that I really have no idea when I'm going to get back to LA next and then I was just caught up in a landslide of over-sentimentality. You see, I have always really valued the friendship that I have built with My Married Boyfriend and I have also really considered him to be the closest thing to my ideal man that I have meet in as long as I can remember. I've actually maintained a bit of a closet crush on him over all this time. He went pretty out of his way to hang out with us on Sunday and I was touched and enjoying his company and thinking how far from him and all my friends I'll probably be in January. In the midst of all this misty-ness I had a pretty amazing revelation: I think My Married Boyfriend is fantastic, but I wouldn't trade Prince Charming for him even if I could. Prince Charming has succeeded in becoming the only person that I want to be with and the only person I could even imagine myself being with. That's a huge leap for me.

Speaking of huge leaps: Prince Charming and I are moving in together. Or moving out together. However you want to describe it, in 4 weeks I am going to be leaving San Francisco to spend 3 weeks unemployed for the holidays and then will be moving on to a new job in a new city in January. Prince Charming will be doing all of this with me. We went from the horrible trouble of the long-distance relationship to the back and forth of the commuting relationship and through it all, we've only grown to love each other more and to want to spend more and more time together. It's amazing how fast we went from seeing each other once a month to seeing each other every weekend and how easily we became spoiled and realized that even every weekend isn't enough. So he's packing up and getting out of LA with me, and I'm shocked to say that I'm ready for this. I've never lived with a significant other - hell, I've hardly even had a functional relationship before PC, but I'm ready to move in. Plus, he's already received the hearty stamp of approval from almost everyone that matters in my life (even my grandfather, who told PC to call him Grandpa after the end of their first meeting) and will receive some of the final stamps from remaining family members at Thanksgiving this weekend. The Sister refers to him as my fiance when she talks about us and she told me that it would destroy her universe if we ever broke up.

Somehow, I have coupled up and am settling down. As much as I sometimes still can't believe that it's actually happened to me, I can't imagine things being any other way.

Lyrics of the Day

"Unknown quotients, you must be using potions. How else could you tie my head to the sky? This new convection has left me wondering why I can't concern myself with ordinary tripe." The Shins Girl, Inform Me

That Lovin' Feeling

I feel like I didn't do my relationship justice with my last post. I was so preoccupied with explaining that what we have is for real, but that I haven't had the easiest time in the world allowing myself to be loved and be in a relationship that I downplayed how wonderful it (and He, Prince Charming) is.

The truth of it is, I'm still in a state of disbelief. I have to look at Prince Charming, at least once each time we're together, and tell myself - remind myself that it's real. I have to remind myself that it's not impossible that I met someone that I could see spending the rest of my life with. I have to remind myself that I am, for the first time in my entire life, really and truly loved.

It's the most amazing thing in the entire world.

Lyrics of the Day

"I've been wishing on a star but I could never have imagined that I could land just where you are, after all this lonesome traveling." Teitur One and Only

Getting to Know You

When I look back on my relationship with Prince Charming thus far, especially the earliest days, I find it amazing that we've gotten to know each other so well. I find it even more amazing that PC hasn't run the other direction screaming yet, and at times I feel like I've given him ample reason to do so.

I always thought, in my oh-so-many days of Singledom, that I would be the coolest girlfriend ever. I'm laid-back, I'm not jealous, I like sports, I don't have any hang-ups about pornography, etcetera, etcetera. And while all of these things are reasons that I could be a very cool girlfriend, it turns out that none of that is really what it's about or what it's supposed to be about. I didn't really realize what I was getting into (though I wouldn't trade it for the world). It seems that I got far too used to being single and being on my own and not having my behavior or moods have much effect on anyone else's life, but being in a committed, heading-towards-forever relationship is a much different situation than I've ever found myself in before.

During the 10 days that PC was with me in Montana, I found that you just can't hide anything anymore when you're working your way toward living with someone. You can't pretend that your body is miraculously hairless every day - if you need to shave, the person that you're spending every waking and sleeping minute with is going to know about it. If you have a runny nose and can't force yourself to get out of bed, you can't hide from your significant other - you've got to allow them to suffer through it with you. If you're in a hopelessly black mood, there's just no hiding that from a man who pays the utmost attention to what you do and say. As a person who has a hard time admitting any type of weakness (even to myself), this is proving to be a difficult, though somewhat liberating, adjustment. And when I did have moments of hysteria in Montana (managing to misplace my wallet when I could have sworn that I should have it with me), I couldn't hide my frighteningly stressy side - PC got to see that along with the rest. But throughout the trip, my Prince Charming was unfailingly loving, understanding and tolerant.

All of these things that we experienced on a small scale in Montana, Prince Charming and I have been experiencing in an even more real way over the past six weeks. When, just before the end of Prince Charming's visit to Montana, I finally got the call finalizing my job in San Francisco I was really excited. Though San Fran is a good 5 to 5 1/2 hours from LA, I knew that PC and I would work out a way to see each other as much as possible. I was also excited about the prospect of spending three months in such an interesting and beautiful city. I knew that PC and I would be able to explore it together. And we have, we have managed to see each other every single weekend since I got to San Fran, which has been ever more eye-opening for me.

There is so much stuff that is wonderful: walking across the Golden Gate Bridge together, sleeping in the same bed on a regular basis, cooking in, eating out, watching football together, walking all over my neighborhood, checking out local dive bars. But there are things that have been tough too: my need to decompress at the end of the day and have a bit of space to myself, getting used to PC's less-than-compulsive tidiness / cleaning habits (not that I'm the tidiest person in the world myself - it's just that when I grab the tub of margarine out of the fridge and get margarine all over my hand, I know that I'm not the last one who used it), dealing with the conflict of wanting to share everything with PC but still needing to have some measure of privacy (including this blog, but that is a post for later), trying not to take any bad moods out on each other. But this is what it is, what it's supposed to be. We're building a relationship - a real, lasting, workable relationship - not some fantasy based on infatuation like everything else that I've ever experienced. And through all of it: the good, the great and the not-so-perfect, I've never begun to doubt that I love him or that he loves me. And that is really the most amazing thing of all.

Lyrics of the Day

"Is your figure less than Greek, is your mouth a little weak? When you open it to speak are you smart? But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me. Stay little Valentine, stay. Each day is Valentine's Day." My Funny Valentine Frank Sinatra

Meet the Parents

Although PC had briefly met The Mother at my going away party (those mere three days after we met), TM had been largely unable to form a true opinion about him. But when contemplating PC's imminent arrival in Bozeman in August, The Mother's opinion was not what was eating away at my mind. It was the introduction to The Father.

My father is just a bit scary. Not the Meet-The-Boyfriend-At-The-Front-Door-With-A-Shotgun scary, but he's got a very intimidating presence. He tends to sit back and watch and listen and he doesn't offer up his own voice very often. To a young man courting his daughter, that silence can come off as down-right menacing. I had more than one pre-pubescent suitor quake in his shoes upon visiting my family's house for the first time. In high school I avoided the situation as much as possible and there was no way in HELL that I would have introduced the Speed Freak to my father. I did make the mistake of introducing The Ex to my parents - a mistake because I still believed that I was in a relationship that was going somewhere at that time and The Ex had already decided that it wasn't. It just took me about three more weeks to figure that out. The point is: meeting my dad is a big deal. A HUGE deal really, and I was just a bit nervous of how it would work when Prince Charming finally made it to Montana. I was actually more nervous that PC would be put off by The Father than I was of it being the other way around - PC tends to make an almost universally good first impression.

I never should have worried. Of course, I couldn't have expected it to work out quite so well as it did. Seriously folks, in the end I think if I didn't marry Prince Charming my family would disinherit me.

The Father took to PC like he's never really taken to anyone before. The Father obviously warmed to PC quickly and engaged him in far more conversation than I would have expected. And Prince Charming did the same in return. If I analyze it, I'd have to say that PC's father has always been very hard on him and I think has maintained a largely disapproving attitude toward his son and I think that Prince Charming was nearly overjoyed to have a male presence that was both friendly and accepting. It was touching, really. And I think that The Father began to realize that, although he never had sons of his own, he could gain surrogate sons by marrying off his daughters.

Now that PC is pretty much one of the immediate family, there are very few hurdles left to scale before he's given full and complete approval. This is jumping ahead in the story a bit, but the most important of the final hurdles is about to be jumped this weekend: I'm taking Prince Charming to Bakersfield on Saturday to meet my Grandfather.

Lyrics of the Day

"Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by, and we fly just like birds of a feather - I won't tell no lie. All of the people around us, they say, 'Can they be that close?' Just let me state for the record, we're giving love in a family dose." Sister Sledge We Are Family

All Apologies

Oh, ever faithful readers (if there are, in fact, any of you left), I have been remiss in my bloggerly duties for far too long. It first started as just a few days during which I didn't have time to write, then grew into weeks and finally into hulking, guilt-inducing months of silence that intimidated me into ever further silence. But a wake-up call from a good friend and secretly-faithful reader reminded me that I have stories to tell that need to be told and should be read and here I am again to share them with you. My most sincere apologies for the disappearing act, I promise never to leave you so in-the-lurch without announcement again. The largest problem that I now face is how in the hell I can catch you all up on the events of the past months. It may be hurried or it may turn into a rambling, incoherent jumble of sentences but somehow, someway I will eventually manage to bring us all up to speed with current events.

Let's start somewhere around where we left off. I had returned from the all-too-brief wedding weekend with Prince Charming to slog through my final two weeks in Baltimore. And slog through I did, finally managing to pack up all of my earthly belongings into two suitcases and a huge box for shipping, boarding a poorly-booked flight home to Montana and landing back on my home turf late Saturday night, July 28. I spent the following days sleeping off my traveling exhaustion, hanging with my folks and doing nothing more than wishing that Prince Charming was already there, in Bozeman, with me. Being with my family again made me acutely aware that I really wanted PC to be with my family, a part of my family, my own chosen family.

There is no way that I can detail the entire ten, blissful days of togetherness. It would be too exhaustive, too repetitive and too difficult to dredge from my memory at this point. But suffice to say that we did everything we could possibly do and we had an amazing time. We did the Sweet Pea Festival with my family and with Red, who was also visiting. We floated the Madison River (basically you sit in an inner tube on a river, drink some beer and float on down it - if I've never described that before), spent a few days at my cabin, met endless numbers of friends and family and got really, really used to being together. Not to say that everything was 100% perfect - there were little bumps (caused mostly by my moods or poor stress-handling skills), but we navigated them fairly easily - especially considering that the anniversary we celebrated (with mimosas in the mountains) was only our four month.

Throughout most of our time in Montana, the future of the geography of our relationship was still in question. I had yet to hear word on any suitable jobs, and I was beginning to despair that I had been too narrow in my demands. But I had decided fairly early on that I needed to be back in California once I was done in Baltimore - not just to be near Prince Charming because I hated being so far away, but also to see if our relationship would weather being together as well as it had weathered being apart. It was the Friday before PC left that I finally heard on a job that sounded good and I accepted. Then I prepared to leave that following Thursday for my new place of residence and employment: San Francisco.

Lyrics of the Day

"Now are you gonna love me? Are you gonna fight for me? Promise that you'll never, ever leave me please." Aaron Espe Settling

The Wedding Weekend

The wedding was amazing. Although the time was far, far too short - every minute of it was worth it. Even the catastrophic way in which the weekend ended...

Everything went perfectly with my flights to Des Moines. I made it safely onto the hotel shuttle and Prince Charming (with his infinitely useful hotel experience) ensured my early check-in to our room so that I could get myself family/friends/wedding ready. I took my time getting ready, since I had over 2 hours to do it. While I was still in the process, PC was able to sneak away for a few minutes to come see me, which was wonderful. He then had to run back over to where the wedding party was for photos and I kept getting ready. The plan was for him to come back over to the hotel after pictures to meet up with me and his family, make the introductions and walk us over to the church.

Just before noon (the ceremony started at 1), PC called to tell me that his dad, stepmom, and sisters (one step, one half) were outside the hotel and wondering if they could come up to our room to brush teeth and freshen up after their drive over from Dubuque. Not wanting to be rude, but horrifyingly nervous of meeting the fam by myself and with little warning, I asked him to have them give me 10 minutes to finish getting ready and then they were welcome to come use the room. Despite my reservations and nervousness, Prince Charming's family was really great. His stepmom was extremely friendly and welcoming and it made the whole thing much more comfortable than it could have been. We all ended up walking over to the church together and I sat between his dad and stepmom during the ceremony. It was, just like everything else between PC and I, surprisingly easy.

The ceremony was gorgeous, though it was a Catholic ceremony, so it was a little too formal and structured for me. The bride was absolutely gorgeous and Prince Charming was breath-taking in his tux. There was a long gap in between the ceremony and the reception, during which I tried to take a nap and then PC and I got to spend a bit of alone-time together. I hadn't really considered how hard it would be to be the date of the Best Man, but there was a pretty large demand on his time - which of course I was cool with - it was his best friend's wedding after all. But once the reception got swinging, we had the greatest time. I sat with his family at a table, because PC was seated at the wedding party table for the beginning of the festivities. I actually had a lot of fun with them. I won over his stepsister (who is 20 or 21) by complimenting her shoes and we got along really well. I made good conversation with his dad and stepmom and just really enjoyed myself. Once PC's formal duties were over, we were finally able to really spend some time together.

We had a blast. I loved being in his world: meeting his family, his friends, seeing him in his element. And here's the kicker: I caught the bouquet. Yep, that's right. I totally caught the bouquet. Prince Charming and I had actually talked about it a little - he was hoping that I would catch it, but I told him that I was not going to embarrass myself and fight for it. I dragged PC's stepsister up with me and we stood demurely in the back. The bride through the freaking thing right to me. She launched it backward toward the crowd of single girls (it was a huge reception, so there had to have been at least 30 or 40 girls up there) and it just flew right toward me. I reached up and grabbed it and just stared at it - I was so shocked! But I was totally pleased too. As completely dorky as it sounds - I really think that things (actually, we both think this) with Prince Charming were meant to be, and it's things like this that just back-up that belief.

For the rest of the night we socialized and had a little wine and danced (I am a notoriously bad dancer, but somehow magically, I can dance with Prince Charming. It's inexplicable.). We had an amazing time. The night went too fast, as did the following morning, when we slept in and then ordered room service and ate it in bed. We had lunch with his family and then we went to the airport together. My plane was supposed to leave about half an hour before his, and we both cried when we said goodbye. Every time we see each other, it gets more amazing. And every time we have to say goodbye it gets harder. Every day that we're apart gets harder. I never knew that I could love anyone so much.

It was after I boarded my plane that everything went to hell. At the time that we were supposed to take off, we got word from the pilot that there was too much traffic in Chicago, my connection city, and that we were delayed. We ended up sitting on the runway in Des Moines for an hour and a half - long enough for me to miss my connection to Baltimore. They couldn't get me out until 2pm the next day, so I spent the night in a cheesy airport hotel and had to miss work on Monday. I was exhausted and stressed and there was just nothing I could do about it.

I finally got back to Baltimore after 6pm on Monday night. My journey home had put a bit of a tarnish on the sparkle of the wonderful time that I had with Prince Charming, but at least I had made it back in one piece. And I knew that no matter how hard the next two weeks (my final two weeks in Baltimore) were going to be, they would pass and then on August 2 I would be with PC again - in Montana, for 10 whole days.

Lyrics of the Day

"Way down below there's a half a million people, somewhere there's a church with a big tall steeple. Inside the church, there's an altar filled with flowers, wedding bells are ringin' and they should've been ours." Johnny Rivers Mountain of Love