Those Three Little Words

I was jittery and impatient all day last Thursday before I left for LA. The hours simply couldn't pass fast enough to make me happy. I slept fitfully on the plane - but at least I did have a little nap before the evening's festivities. Red picked me up at LAX and we arrived at The Sister's party just after 10 pm. It was really sensory overload for me, being back in LA and suddenly being in such a chaotic social situation. And all the while I was counting the minutes, the seconds even, until Prince Charming would be off of work and finally with me again.

It was almost like the kind of magic I felt the first night that we met, seeing him in the flesh again after almost five weeks apart apart. Just being able to kiss him and touch him and feel his arms around me again was like coming home. And almost as heart-warming as this was The Sister's reception of PC - she hugged him and greeted him as if she was as happy to see him as I was. The Sister has never been like that with anyone I've dated. Often she hates them altogether, or is at the most grudgingly accepting. But this is so different, the way she just let PC in, I'm still amazed.

Prince Charming and I ended up DDing people that night and didn't get back to his house until after 4 am. And all night the words just wanted to slip out of my mouth. Earlier in the night when PC related a story to me about talking to a coworker that night, he told me that he said, "I'm going to marry this girl." Instead of freaking out and wanting to run in the face of commitment, like I usually want to, my heart melted. I was so ecstatically happy to hear that, I was floating on air.

When we finally got back to his place and made up for lost time, it almost felt like we had never been apart. Afterward, I lay there looking ar him and I just couldn't do it - I couldn't hold myself back and I said to him, "I am so in love with you." Out-load. I said it. And I meant it in a way that I have never meant it before. And Prince Charming told me that he loved me too and had been wanting to say it for almost two weeks and it was like our own little fairytale right there as the sun was rising and the birds were singing outside the bedroom window.

Lyrics of the Day

" I, I'm so in love with you. Whatever you want to do is all right with me, 'cause you make me feel so brand new and I want to spend my life with you." Al Green Let's Stay Together

Monumental

I told you all that I thought that this weekend would be monumental.

It was.

I'm still far from recovered from the lack of sleep, so I just can't bring myself to give the full details at the moment, but I promise that details are forthcoming. I should warn you though - you may need to bring your Pepto-Bismol, lest you be too nauseated by what I have to gush about...

The Day After Tomorrow

In 48 hours, I will be on the plane to Los Angeles. In 52 hours I will be landing at LAX where Red will be waiting to pick me up and take me to The Sister's going away party at Bodega Santa Monica. In 54 to 55 hours, I will be in the arms of Prince Charming, thanking all the powers-that-be that these 5 long weeks are over.

Tomorrow night I'll be packing my bags and hoping that I won't be too excited or impatient to sleep. Then I'll just have to suffer through one more day of work before I am on my way.

I have a feeling that this weekend could be rather monumental. Things may be said and things will be discussed. Lost time will most definitely be made up for. Friends will be introduced and hopefully approvals will be given. (After several relationship follies, I've learned to trust the input of others - not expressly, but it is always a good sign when your friends like your boyfriend.) Good lord I can't wait for these 55 hours to pass.

Lyrics of the Day

"I'm tired of calling you and missing you and dreaming that I've slept with you - don't get me wrong I still desperately love you." Teitur I Was Just Thinking

The Tip of My Tongue

Much of my (possibly now-former) commitment-phobia has been due to the petrifying fear of having my heart ripped out for the umpteenth time. Because even now some of that commitment-phobia still lingers, I had vowed that I would not be the first person to say "I love you." I know that's mostly childish, but saying those three little words is a risk of such magnitude that many people wait as long as they can to take that risk or they never risk it at all. My mind keeps returning to the episode of Grey's Anatomy (and say what you like, I love a good nighttime soapy drama - especially when there are hot doctors involved) where Callie has told George that she loves him and he blows her off for nearly an entire episode before telling her that he'll say it when he means it. That kind of scenario gives me nightmares. I've said it once before and not had it said back to me and it's not a good feeling.

But here's the thing: I really want to say it. I'm going to break down and tell you that I'm finally admitting to the fact that I am totally, head-over-heels in love with Prince Charming. And I don't think that it's in that damn-you're-so-attractive-and-you-like-me-back-I-can't-believe-it sort of way. That's the way that I was with the Speed Freak and I thought that was love at the time, but I know now that it wasn't. But this feels real. It feels monumental, but so easy all at the same time. It feels right. And almost every time we've talked recently I've wanted to say it; I've felt it on my lips and the edges of my teeth and the tip of my tongue. But at the same time I can't say it. I'm still scared in some underlying way; I'm still waiting for the bubble to burst and for the dream to end. I also don't want to say it over the phone. Anonymous was right in his/her comment on my last post: I do want to look PC in the eyes if and when I do tell him how I feel. Because although this is so scary and so new - I think that he feels the same way. And I know that we haven't been together that long, we haven't even known each other that long, but this feels like something real and something that can grow and deepen and just get better and better with time.

Lyrics of the Day

"What's the problem I don't know, well, maybe I'm in love. Think about it every time I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it. How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love." Counting Crows Accidentally in Love

The L-Word

What do you do when you think that possibly, maybe, sort-of you might have heard your boyfriend of two months (officially, today, if you can believe what a ridiculously short time that it's been) tell you that he loves you?

Admittedly it was mumbled, and he was really tired and it wasn't until it was too late that I realized what I might have heard - but I think that he said "I love you" before saying goodbye to me. I will not stoop to the level of asking him if he said it - that just seems like fishing to me. But he might have said it, I think that he said it, and you know what my reaction is? I want to say it back. How scary is that?

I guess that now I just wait to see if he says it again, right?

Lyrics of the Day

"I think I love you, isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say, I've never felt this way." The Partridge Family I Think I Love You

Another Countdown

It's now less than two weeks (actually almost about a week and a half now) until I FINALLY see Prince Charming again. I can't tell you what 5 weeks apart feels like, and if I tried it would probably make you all so nauseous that you'd vomit on your keyboards and short-out your computers. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?

Over the past little while, PC has become Super Boyfriend. I'm afraid to get used to it, because I know that these sorts of things end when the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship is over, but it's been really amazing. We're talking so much that I'm pretty sure one of us is going to have to switch wireless carriers, otherwise this relationship could hit the Guinness Book for expense. He actually called me at 6:00 this morning (it being a weekend, he knew that I didn't have to get up for work or anything and he just wanted to talk to me) and we talked for an hour and a half. Half the time he had me laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. It's still so amazing to me to be with someone that makes me feel so completely secure and cared for. I've never experienced anything like this before. I don't sit around agonizing over what he may or may not feel for me, I don't tiptoe around him and watch what I say, I don't have to hide or be dishonest or dress myself up for him. It just works. The only thing about it that's hard is the distance between us, and I'm realizing that even that isn't so bad. As far as long-distance relationships go, I think I've got a damn good one. I just can't wait to see how it could be when we can see each other more often.

So the weekend after next I'll be in Los Angeles. I'm not telling all of my friends that I'm going, because I just can't find the time to see everyone. I'm going to spend a bit of time with The Sister, because she's leaving to tour South America for 2 months on the 18th. Other than that, I'll be spending as much time as possible with Prince Charming. I'm also hoping to introduce him to SJP and LAJ, my two fabulous girls who will both be back in LA after extended absences.

This is going to sound completely insane and overboard and hasty, but I've been really honest on this blog up to this point, and I don't think there's much point in trying to ignore what's really going on in my head. I really think that Prince Charming is someone that I could grow old with. I can see myself with him, in the real long-run. I have feelings and thoughts and desires about him that I've never had about anyone. I want to meet his whole family. I want to see the towns that he grew up in and see where he went to school and where he hung out. I want to wake up next to him every day, come home to him at night. How freaking cheesy is that?

Lyrics of the Day

"I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches, build you a fire if the furnace breaks, oh it could be so nice, growing old with you." Adam Sandler Grow Old With You

The Long-Distance Blues

I have seriously got the Long-Distance Relationship blues. If I could play the harmonica, I would get up at an open mike and jam on how badly it sucks to be 3000 miles from the person that you might just possibly be falling in love with. Then I'd drink a bottle of whiskey and pass out in an alley.

I can't really write about it. It's too whiny, too annoying and would make for far too boring a blog entry. But I'm PMS-y, tired from my fabulous weekend in NYC and hitting my limit at the 3 week mark since I've gotten any lovin'. Mix said ingredients in a hot and humid alien city and stir and you've got a nice batch of Crazy, fresh out of the oven.

Lyrics of the Day

"I wanted to see you walking backwards, to get the sensation of you coming home. I wanted to see you walking away from me, without the sensation you're leaving me alone." Counting Crows Time and Time Again

Creeping Guilt

I haven't mentioned The Kid since I met Prince Charming. It's not becauase I immediately forgot he existed the moment that I laid eyes on PC, but my attraction and connection to PC did eclipse my arrangement with The Kid so completely tat I almost wonder why I did it in the first place. On the other hand, I don't have any regrets about hanging out with The Kid - it just can't compare to anything that I have with Prince Charming.

What I do have, concerning The Kid, is some increasing guilt. I've never had The Kid's email address, but we are MySpace friends and that's the way that we've communicated online. Shortly after I got to Baltimore, The Sister posted a comment on my page about the fact that I'm not single anymore. A day or two later, The Kid posted "Miss ya" as a comment on my page. When I realized the timing of that comment, I started to feel a bit guilty. I mean, there's been a bit of guilt all along: I did happen to meet PC the day after the last time that I saw The Kid. But I've been trying to push the feeling down: I could never have known that I was going to meet my Prince Charming in bar, three days before I moved out of LA. There was no reason to think I shouldn't draw out my time with The Kid as much as possible. Then, just last Wednesday night, I uploaded the pics that PC and I took last weekend onto my MySpace page. And while I'm absolutely thrilled and proud to have the pics to show-off, I do get a bad feeling in my stomach when I think about what to do / say regarding The Kid. Because we are friends, but the situation is just so weird.

Even my subconscious knows this. The other night I had a dream that I had promised to sleep with The Kid again, he even blew off someone else because he was sure he was going to be hooking up with me, and I felt like I was absolutely obligated to do it. I felt this even though I was with Prince Charming in the dream. My dream-self was in absolute agony over the situation. Don't worry though: in the end my heart just wouldn't let me do it.

Lyrics of the Day

" On the night you left I came over, and we peeled the freckles from our shoulders. Our brand new coats so flushed and pink, and I knew your heart I couldn't win, 'cause the season's change was a conduit and we'd left our love in our summer skin." Death Cab For Cutie Summer Skin

I Wanna Know What Love Is

All week, I've been floating. I'm actually rather astounded that my post-Prince Charming euphoria is lasting this long. Is this how it's supposed to be? I swear, most of the people near and dear to me would hardly recognize the optimistic, hearts-and-butterflies cheeseball that I'm becoming. Last night I went out to find a few things for Prince Charming's birthday package and found myself overjoyed at the availability of heart-shaped Post-It Notes.

So here's the question that I pose: how exactly does one know when she's in love / falling in love? I know that this question seems stupid, but I really don't know the answer. The first time that I said those three little (GIGANTIC) words was in high school and I felt pressured to say them after hearing them prematurely declared to me. I said it, but I didn't feel it. The second time that I said it was the only time that I meant it. But it was outside the context of a relationship, said to a close friend and had no real hope of being returned. Also, my realization of the presence of the feeling was a total surprise and so I never had a clue that I was falling. The last time that I said it was to the Speed Freak. We said it two and a half or three months in and at the time I really believed that I meant it. But once the relationship ended, the feelings faded. I saw him about four months afer we broke up and I felt nothing for him. Lust can burn out or fade away like that, but I don't believe that love does.

So, is it possible, after a paltry six weeks of dating Prince Charming, that I could really be falling in love with him? Well, from my extremely inexperienced point of view, I think that it's possible. I won't even admit to the frighteningly girly thoughts that seem to have taken up residence in my brain, but there do seem to be quite a few of them. And does it thrill me to no end that PC has used the words "My Love" more than once in the past week? Yes, yes it does.

Can it really be this easy or is this just a ridiculously exaggerated version of the relationship Honeymoon Phase? I'd like to believe the former. I spent a lot of years being single because I had no intention of settling for any relationship possibility that came along and it feels like this is the reward for my infinite patience. Either way, it's still the most amazing connective experience I've ever had and I'm going to savor the hell out of it.

Lyrics of the Day

"At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over, and life is like a song." Etta James

Head Over Heels

In all of my dating and relationship experience, I never truly understood the point of settling down with one person. I've never seen the purpose of giving up your freedom to center your life around one other person, for better or for worse. I mean, theoretically I wanted these things, but I didn't really understand why they were so important. Why would anyone want to compromise all of their personal preferences and goals and dreams just to avoid the not-so-horrible fate of sleeping alone?

But I get it now. And I don't mean the compromising part. What I am just now understanding is that you can want to be with one person, but that it's possible to do this without compromising anything. What lead to this astonishing revelation? Possibly the best weekend EVER.

I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging on my anxiety-ridden Fear-Of-Commitment post last week. I meant to write on my birthday (which was Thursday) about how lucky and loved I ended up feeling, but I ran out of time to do so. Then Prince Charming arrived on Friday night and all my thoughts of writing left my mind.

Even if I were to get as cheesy as I possibly could, I don't think I could fully convey the wonder of this weekend. I have never had this kind of experience - I'm still nearly reeling from the perfection of it all. I was really nervous picking Prince Charming up from the airport on Friday night. I didn't know if things would be awkward or if the initial attraction had been fleeting or if I would be able to make the weekend worth his taking four days off of work and flying all the way across the country. But just as those first three days that we spent together were so magically comfortable and amazing, my initial nervousness was unfounded and soon disappeared.

The initial attraction was not fleeting. I have never been so attracted to anyone in my entire life. And that feeling was just as strong by the end of the weekend as it was when the weekend began - if not stronger. But that wasn't the most amazing thing: it was everything else that was so surprising. Every single thing that we did together all weekend was so much fun and so effortless. We drank champagne and went to IHOP and took the Metro to Baltimore's Inner Harbor. We went for a three mile run, we watched "How I Met Your Mother" and he cooked me dinner (damn good dinner too!). Never once did I feel uncomfortable or like I couldn't be myself or like my personal space was being invaded. It was just incredible.

I don't want to get ahead of myself (well, I do, but I'm trying not to), but I think this one is going to last. I'm not predicting marriage or anything insane like that, but we're both in this for the long term. How do I know this? Because he told me so. He doesn't hide his thoughts or feelings or try to play games. He believes in honesty and full-disclosure and I don't have a doubt in my mind how he feels about me. This relationship will probably get a bit expensive: I'm going to fly him back out here in a few weeks, but it's absolutely worth it. I get it now. I get how couples can be each other's best friend and want to do everything together. I have very little experience with this type of thing, but I think I could be falling in love.

It's funny. Everyone always said that you find someone once you stop looking, that love comes along when you least expect it. I was becoming so cynical and part of me was starting to prepare for the possibility of never finding anyone. Then, as I prepared to radically change my life, I really did stop looking. And that was all it took.

Lyrics of the Day

"Don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now." Joseph Arthur Honey and the Moon

Disconnected

All through the fairytale that was my first few days with Prince Charming and through the ensuing euphoria there was a small thing at the periphery, hovering just close enough to out-of-sight to be easily ignored. I could pretend that it wasn't there at all, that it had never been there (though it had been, and for far too long). But as the weeks have passed and the lack of any contact beyond the phone conversations has begun to wear on my mind and my heart, that little peripheral thing has been poking its head further and further into the center of my vision.

My fear of commitment.

Remember that little thing? It's haunted me for as long as I can remember. It pushed me into attraction to unavailable man after unavailable man. It caused me to turn away from more than one good man. And now it's crawling its way back into my life and I think that it's starting to get to me.

It's the in-between moments. When we're not talking. When I have too much time on my hands to ponder the "what if's" and "am I sure's". When I think about spending Memorial Day in New York City with Blondie and SJP and that it will be Fleet Week.

You see, I'm good at being single. I'm used to being on my own and being able to do what I want, when I want to do it, with whomever I choose. You all might have noticed that. I like the option of making out with a cute sailor at a bar in Manhattan without it being cheating or making eyes at a cute employee at my workplace without guilt. I'm not good at being in a relationship. The last time that I was in a relationship, it lasted less than three months and I poured my whole heart into it. I'm not sure anymore that I actually remembered to retrieve my heart after the fact.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on Prince Charming, and the doubts and worries in my brain aren't his fault. Truly, in any realistic estimation, PC has been a nearly perfect long-distance boyfriend. He calls every day, some days more than once. He says all the right things, complements me constantly, tells me that he misses me and can't wait to see me. And still, I sit here on my couch on Sunday night and I worry about whether or not I made the right decision and whether or not I even deserve the praise that he heaps on me.

Blech.

I'm hoping that all of this junk will fly out the window on Friday night when I pick Prince Charming up at the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. I'm hoping that the magic that brought us together in the first place will remind me why I was crazy enough to enter into a relationship with someone that I barely knew - and a long-distance relationship at that. And maybe it'll show me that I wasn't crazy at all. And maybe that little thing around the edges really could be on its way out of the picture altogether.

Lyrics of the Day

"So why you wanna be there, when you could be here? You are slipping away. I awake with your replacement, a bottle in my grasp, in an unfamiliar place." Lagwagon Violins

Homesick

I've been quiet these past few days because reality finally set in for me here in Baltimore. The first 2 weeks were a honeymoon: figuring out the new job, exploring the new apartment, wrangling my bottles of wine in a county that only allows liquor sales at a liquor store. But on Friday it all started to sink in and I got a bit depressed. I started questioning everything: my decision to leave LA (like I hadn't spent the past 3 years hating most of it), the decision to travel the country ALONE, the relationship that I just jumped headlong into.

Thankfully, the doubts and depression only lasted two days. I had a good talk with Red and possibly a little too much of that wine that I found and woke up early on Sunday morning, ready to put my running shoes on and get my feet back on the ground.

It's been more eye-opening than I had initially anticipated, this sudden and complete change of life. It's been easier and harder and scarier and more fun than I ever thought it would be. Being away from all of the people that I love is strange and hard, but I'm meeting new people and I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be all that long until I'm back in California again.

As for Prince Charming, as I said, he's still in the picture. We've known each other for OVER THREE WEEKS now, so it's like we've been married for 25 years. Or not - but we are getting to know each other as best we can. It's funny, it's almost like having an internet relationship - I'm getting to know someone solely over the phone and email and yet I'm forming a real relationship with him. The big (HUGE, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS) advantage I have is that I already know that I find him irresistible. And we've discussed the fact that it's actually not a horrible thing that we have to get to know each other this way, because if we were actually in the same room we wouldn't actually get to know each other at all. We'd be too busy getting to know each other in the biblical sense to care what the other person had to say or was all about. So we're making do with what we have. AND...

He'll be here (in Charm City) in less than two weeks. I'm so excited I can barely keep my pants on.

Lyrics of the Day

"If you could choose anyone, would you place your bet on me to slay all these dragons and cross these uncrossable seas? If given the chance would you come sail away with me?" Aaron Espe Dragons

The Goodbye

Prince Charming had to work until midnight that second night, which was a Friday. I had dinner plans with The Mother and The Sister and so after dinner I just had time to shave my legs and get pretty before he called and I headed up to his house in North Hollywood. When I arrived there was no moment of doubt, no question about how to act or whether he liked me. I walked up, he kissed me and we went into the house.

Being as sleep deprived as I was, the details of that night, and much of the rest of the weekend, are more blurred than I would like. But I guess that's a price you have to pay for such a strange and wonderful meeting as I had. At the end of the night, it was really sometime in the morning by this point, Prince Charming made good on a forced promise that I communicated from The Mother: he helped me get a few hours of sleep. While I lay with my head in the hollow of his shoulder (a spot that seemed made especially for me, even that early on), PC told me a story until I fell asleep.

* * *

My going away party on Saturday night was a rousing success. I was actually surprised and honored by how many people came and by the wonderful things that they did for me and said to me. I never thought that leaving LA would be so hard, but it really was. I made so many wonderful friends there, met such fantastic people, it made the city home to me in a way that it could never have been on its own. I spent half of the night sobbing my eyes out with my arms around people that I love.

Prince Charming had to work that night as well, but he made his way from Universal City to Santa Monica as soon as he was able to. On the third night he knew me, PC met The Sister and The Mother. I couldn't believe it myself. The Parents had not met a boy of mine since The Ex, which had been almost exactly 2 years earlier. (Actually, The Ex is the only post-high school boyfriend that The Father ever met. The Father is not an easy to approach sort of man and I would never subject my chicken-shit suitors to his imposing countenance.) Though the meeting was brief and The Sister was in the middle of strife with her own man, the first impressions were positive.

I went home with PC one last time that night and we spent the few remaining hours together that we had. I was nearly delirious from emotions and lack of sleep, but those few hours were worth the sleep deprivation.

It was on the drive back to the hotel room that we had rented near the party location that things had to get serious. There was no way that this meeting could have been dismissed as a few days of "fun". There was too much connection, too much exchanged to just leave it at that. Being the commitment-phobe that I am, this was the hard part for me. For the first time, I stammered, I balked, I was nervous. I even had doubts. How could we realistically enter into any sort of relationship after knowing each other for a mere THREE DAYS. But my momentary misgivings weren't enough - not even for this faint heart. In the end, we agreed that there was too much potential, too much connection not to give it a try. We didn't want to look back on this meeting and think, "What if we had?"

And so, at about 6:00 am on Easter Sunday (two years, to the holiday, since The Ex had ripped my heart out and left it lying on his sap-stained sidewalk) I kissed my new boyfriend (oh yes, I really just said that) goodbye, or rather, see you later. We made plans for him to visit me in Baltimore and vice-versa, and to talk later that day. And then I walked up the hotel stairs to pack my things and start the drive to Montana.

Lyrics of the Day

"I met someone at the bar. He had a great smile and a great heart. He felt just like love, except no fear of losing, and it wasn't tough." Maria Taylor Clean Getaway

The Next Day

Somehow, on no sleep, I made it to the dentist the next day and then I made it to the Uhaul center to pick up my truck and then I made it to help The Sister use the Uhaul to move some of her stuff into storage. The Mother was also in town at this time to help me drive my Uhaul of junk back up to Montana where I was planning to store everything during my stint traveling around the country.

The moment I walked in the door, The Sister caught on to my shit-eating grin. She asked me what I was so happy about and I told her that I had met a boy. "You had sex last night, didn't you?!" This is the standard question from The Sis any time that she thinks I got laid, and she's usually right. I grinned sheepishly and nodded. The Mother entered the room minutes later and that little scene was replayed almost word for word. I had contemplated not spilling the beans so quickly, but obviously there's nothing that I can hide from my family - nor do I really want to hide anything. I've always told The Sis everything, and I've told The Mother everything since I was about 19; they are honest relationships that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I spent the morning and early afternoon in a sleep-deprived, twitterpated haze. The three of us girls loaded up the Uhaul with The Sister's things and made plans for the evening. I parted ways with my fam to run to my now-former workplace to tie up a couple of loose ends. While I was there, I heard the text message sound from my cell phone. Expecting some kind of update or request from The Sis, I open my phone.

(For those of the queasy persuasion, or anyone who is pregnant, may be pregnant or has heart trouble please read the following text message with caution.)

"Hey sweetie, hope youre not too sleepy today and you got those teeth nice and clean. Cant wait to see you tonight. p.s. youre wonderful :)"

Okay, yes, I know that if you're not the love-struck recipient of this text message it's nausea-inducing. But my heart skipped a beat. There was always the thought in the back of my mind that he wouldn't contact me, though we had talked about getting together when he got off of work at midnight the following night. I'm not a Rules kind of girl, but even I know that sleeping with someone on the first date (much less the first night you've met) isn't the best idea. And yet, somehow, it hadn't been the wrong thing to do. Somehow, this guy was excited about me as I was about him and I really was going to see him again that very night...

Lyrics of the Day

"Fix your hair just right, put your jeans on tight, wear a dress so I can get it off real easy, 'cause I've been thinking I'd like to see your eyes open up real wide the minute that you see me." Counting Crows Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes to Hollywood)

That Night

So, being the impulsive and rule-resisting person that I am, I went back to Prince Charming's house with him. I promised myself that it would be innocent, that I would only let it go so far - and that's never been a hard promise for me to keep.

Never once that evening had I felt nervous or uncomfortable, and that didn't change once we got to his place. I feel like I'm sounding like I'm romanticizing this, or that I'm overstating what I felt - but I'm not. There was nothing weird about this at all; every word, every kiss (and there were an increasing number of those), every interaction felt so natural. There's usually a self-consciousness or a timidity to first time romantic-type interactions, but there really wasn't any of this here. I didn't know what I was expecting or what I was hoping for, I was just rolling with it.

For awhile, we were mostly talking. I can't even remember now what it was that we were talking about, but it all came effortlessly. Eventually there was less and less talking and more and more kissing. I remember that when I was dating The Ex, I thought that he had to have been close to the top (if not at the top) of my list of great kissers. And you know, there was actually a time in my life where I kept a mental list of the top five, but I've kissed far too many frogs since then to have kept track. But I digress. My point is that Prince Charming wins. He tops whatever hypothetical list I had or will have or could conjure up. It's not just that he's a fantastic kisser, though that's a lot of it, it's that we mesh.

I was talking to The Sister yesterday and she was saying that when you're in a relationship that is Right, there are physical ways in which you and your mate will just 'fit together'. And as much as I give her crap about her new-agey type spirituality, I actually agree with her. The science of attraction has so much to do with varieties of compatibility that I can't help but be convinced that being able to fit another person like a jigsaw puzzle piece is a great indicator of whether or not that person could be right for you in the long run. And that's what kissing Prince Charming is like. It's like completing a puzzle - not one of those easy, 150 piece puzzles though. It's like finishing one of those table-sized 5000 piece puzzles that you just didn't think you would ever be able to put together entirely.

Have I lost you all yet?

I know this is unlike me, but I'm being straight with you. This is really what it all felt like, what it all still feels like, and when I finally caved and slept with Prince Charming that night, I didn't regret it. I didn't regret it during, or after, or at 7 am when I was driving to the dentist's office after not having slept at all. It was an experience that was so perfect that I wouldn't have regretted it even if he had never called me again.

But he did...

Lyrics of the Day

"Kiss me wont you kiss me now, and sleep I would inside your mouth." Dave Matthews Band Lover Lay Down

The Curse

When Red and I set out on our last official Girls' Night Out on Thursday, April 5, we had no idea where the evening would take us.

We began with a plan to hit a local swanky joint in Red's neighborhood. It was a bar that I had never been to and I was really up for anything. I just wanted one last night out with my favorite girl before I left LA. When we drove by said swanky bar, there was a crazy crowd outside - especially for a mere Thursday night. We immediately decided to search for friendlier waters, and Red said she knew of another place just down the street. I said, "Oh, the Fox & Hound?" She said, "No, that wasn't what I was thinking of, but I love that place let's go there." So there we went...

Somehow, in a town full of beautiful and aggressive women, we found the one bar in LA that was FILLED with men. The moment that we walked into the place, we were bombarded with suitors from every angle. Very early on, Red uttered the words that she never should have uttered - The Curse:

"Wouldn't that be funny if you met the man of your dreams tonight since you're leaving in 3 days?"

That bitch.

She jinxed me.

At some point, as I was talking to a pair of very nice young men, I noticed that Red was talking to some much cuter young men. Being that it was my last real night out, I felt entitled to a little shallowness - so I excused myself from the company I was surrounded by and made my way over to Red and the cute boys. After a few minutes of conversation, a particularly adorable boy sort of approached me from the side and we struck up a bit of conversation.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't talk to anyone else for the rest of the night. From the moment that Prince Charming and I began talking in earnest, we couldn't seem to focus on anyone else. Suddenly the bar was closing and I just couldn't say goodbye to the Prince. The Prince, the two remaining fellows, Red and I decided to go to the house of the other two fellows for a "night cap".

When we arrived at the apartment, the fixation on each other continued. We isolated ourselves in a hallway and continued talking about anything and everything. At some point, we leaned in for the first kiss and it was electric. I think that I was halfway to head-over-heels right then and there. When Red got tired of telling one of the apartment's occupants that she had a boyfriend and that she had no intention of sleeping with him (true to her fabulous form, she had ventured to the apartment with me because she is the best wing-woman in the world), she decided it was time to call it a night.

Again, Prince Charming and I couldn't say goodbye. There was too much chemistry. My mind was reeling. I hadn't felt this kind of connection with someone since I had broken up with The Ex almost exactly two years earlier. This far exceeded the attraction and connection I felt with Irish. I was leaving town in three days and I had just met someone that I desperately wanted to know more about, to know better. Whatever was I to do?

Lyrics of the Day

"I've seen love go by my door, it's never been this close before. Never been so easy or so slow." Bob Dylan You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law states, basically, that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And what could possibly go so horribly wrong for me just three days before I was to move out of Los Angeles for good?

Oh! I know!

I could meet Prince Charming.

In the nearly six years that I lived in Los Angeles, I went to countless bars with countless people and not once did I ever meet a guy with whom I could have a relationship. I never even went home with a guy I met in a bar. There was a random make-out session or two in there, but really that was about it. I really, firmly believed that it was impossible to meet a man in a bar in LA. I actually wrote an entire diatribe about it last year.

So what do I do last Thursday night (the Thursday before I was moving out of LA on Sunday, just to clarify)? I meet possibly the most perfect guy I've ever met in my entire life.

There is so much to tell, so much really dorky, girly, gushy stuff that I want to share with you all - but I'm still in the throes of my crazy cross-country move. I'm in Montana right now, but only until Saturday morning when I fly off to Baltimore. After I get to Baltimore and get just a bit more settled, I'm going to bore the crap out of you with all of the details of how I think I could possibly be on my way to falling head-over-heels for Prince Charming.

"Wait a second," you say. "This does not sound like the LB that we've come to know and only be slightly annoyed by."

Well, you're not wrong. I'm wearing rose-colored glasses. I'm all hearts and butterflies and bunny rabbits right now. I'm actually almost making myself nauseous with all of the cuteness and the optimism. But you know what? I'm also enjoying the hell out of it.

Stay tuned...

Lyrics of the Day

"Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go." Bright Eyes First Day of My Life

The End of an Era

All of this time, I have been constantly reassured in my relationship with The Kid that it is a finite thing, that it couldn't become more than it is because I'm packing up and leaving this month. Though I have had that reassurance, I have often gotten the feeling from The Kid that he would want more from the relationship if he could have it. Being the selfish bastard that I am, I ignored these little signs in favor of continuing the casual nature of our interaction. I rationalized that if it really became an issue, he would say something and I could address it at that time.

As my days dwindle to almost nothing and the time that I have left to spend with The Kid gets shorter and shorter, things become just a little strange. He behaves a bit more like a boyfriend than I'm necessarily comfortable with, but I just go with the flow anyway. We stay up talking after sex more than we ever did before, he cuddles with me just a bit more on the few nights when I stay over. Up until Sunday night, we had just sort of danced around the fact that I was leaving - mentioning it but never really dwelling on it or discussing the fact that it meant that this little arrangement was going to end.

On Sunday night, I agreed to take The Sister to watch The Kid perform with his improv group. I realize that agreeing to do this was almost a breach of our arrangement, but I figured that it was the nice thing to do; a small, kind gesture of farewell. So long and thanks for all the dick, and whatnot. I knew that I was in trouble when he came out and sat next to me after his part of the performance was over. But, as I said before, I was really just going with the flow. The Kid's roommates and a buddy also came to the show and afterwards The Sis and I ended up hanging out with them all night. We went back to The Kid's place and goofed off and drank and actually had a really good time. But as the night wore on and we'd had a few drinks, The Kid got more and more affectionate. At one point he even said to me, "It's not like I'm not going to miss you." I stumbled, not really knowing what to say to that and ended up spitting out a lame, "It has been good." I can't convey tone here, but I was trying to be casually complimentary, yet non-committal. I have no idea if I actually succeeded or not.

I have genuine feelings of affection for The Kid, I really do. He's a sweet person and funny and I've enjoyed the time that I've spent hanging out with him. I don't regret any decision I've made related to our interactions, nor would I change the way that things have happened or turned out. But I do have these creeping feelings of guilt whenever I sense that he's expressing more to me than I feel for him. He knows the score as well as I do, but I still feel sort of bad for not caring more.

The strangest twist of all was that The Sister really liked him. The Sis is rather more judgemental than I am and I was nervous about taking her to the show in the first place because I thought she'd be really critical of The Kid. But in an unexpected turn of events, she thought he was great. He played guitar and sang and she thought he was really talented (I don't disagree, I was just surprised at her reaction). She actually told me that if I were staying she would talk me into really dating him. I was struck dumb.

Either way, it's a moot point. I'm leaving on Sunday and he's leaving for a family vacation on Thursday. Tonight is possibly the last night that I will see him, though I'm not ruling out a later-night booty call tomorrow if he's open to it. I don't think there will be any climactic outpourings of emotion or last-minute revelations - I think that we'll just do things as we usually do and then we'll go on our merry ways. What else is there to do, really?

Lyrics of the Day

"Lookin' towards the future, we were begging for the past. Well we knew we'd had the good things but those never seem to last, oh please just last." Modest Mouse Missed the Boat

Down to the Wire

Well, here I am. It's my last week of work, and my second-to-last week in Los Angeles. I have a free moment (for once) in front of the computer and I find myself, well...

Speechless.

Or virtually so. There is so much that has been going on these past days and weeks, so much that is leading up to my departure and it's all inching its way ever-so-slowly toward denouement. I've been in a holding pattern in so many ways - no new dating prospects, no home improvements, no desire to find new and interesting crannies of LA to explore. On the other hand I've been running myself ragged completing paperwork and medical check-ups and contracts for my upcoming position that I've had time for little else. At the end of the day I'm lucky I brush my teeth before collapsing into bed. So I've been largely quiet here, and in writing in general. I'm feeling semi-reclusive, but I'm still trying to uphold social obligations and to see my friends as much as I can before I go. It's a strange and paradoxical space to be inhabiting, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's coming. It's still a small point right now, but it's getting closer. It's getting larger and brighter and I may have to break out the shades in a couple of days. But it's not here yet.

Lyrics of the Day

"Couldn't quite seem to escape myself. Far enough, far enough, far from Florida. We were all drowning in cruise control. Far enough, far enough, wasn't far enough" Modest Mouse Florida

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

I should have expected it, because it happened just about this time of year last year. Last year I ignored it, because I was still a bit bitter and pissed off and I was still living in LA indefinitely and I didn't want to risk establishing a connection that I wouldn't be able to get rid of. This year, I thought that there couldn't be any harm in responding, because I've let go of most of that anger and I'm leaving, so in some ways I have nothing to lose.

But my subconscious seems to think that I'm wrong.

Last weekend, I got a message from the Speed Freak via an old social networking site called Friendster. Friendster was a predecessor of MySpace but didn't take off in the same way. I've never gotten around to closing my Friendster account, but I never check it or update it anymore. Somehow, I do still get email updates when someone sends me a message on the site and last Monday I logged onto my email to find a message saying that the SF wrote me on the site. He wrote that he's through living in Chicago (where he moved to go to college while we were dating - the last 6 months of our relationship was long-distance) and that he wanted to get in touch with me. As I said above, I really felt like I had nothing to lose, so I wrote him back a brief, non-committal note letting him know that I'm leaving and asking if he was moving back. I honestly believed that I didn't care whether or not he responded or if he wanted to try to meet up or whatnot.

Two nights later I dreamed that he hunted me down (of course the dream location was outlandish and unrelated to real life, but that's beside the point) and was pleading for another chance while wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed his undying love for me. I spent the duration of the dream running and hiding and being completely mortified that I had ever been involved with him at all.

The sad truth is that is exactly how I feel. The power of infatuation and attraction and the attention that he gave me (at a time when my self-esteem wasn't precisely at the top of its game) drew me into a horrifically dramatic and painful relationship. So I guess that my subconscious can admit what I was sort of trying to avoid: that I still want nothing to do with him.

Lyrics of the Day

"You thought somehow you could just pretend, that you could figure it all out; the mathematics of regret. So it takes two beers to remember now, and five to forget." Ani DiFranco So What